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#2748734 06/28/17 12:25 AM
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roist Offline OP
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I WAS OR WHAT 9


As my last thread is nearly full I prefer to post in a new thread for a new beginning. A dramatic sentence that my post may not live up to!! I feel live wears me down and when I realise that I appear stuck again, I find the motivation to put in a new effort to change this. I am not specifically speaking about my situation but more in general.

I don't post that much in my own threads because I prefer to use the time it would take me to post, to figure out what I am going to do. I don't have all the answers and know posting here can help, but for now I feel a better use of my time is soul searching and solution finding.

In general I am low on energy at the moment. I assume it is to do with other non r stresses in my life, which I am seeking solutions for. I still manage to do some sport so I doubt it is physical. I am keeping an eye on this to be safe but not adding it to my stress list yet!!

But to start a new thread maybe it is time to discus my situation a little. Although still a few months away I will be at this three years shortly. I am fairly confident to make that mark and to be still with my W. It is possible either of us could hit a breaking point, but I don't think so.

So where are WE at. At a glance pretty much where we have been. Maybe one day I will take the time to analyse in-depthly the changes I notice, but for now an overview is enough.

A lot is missing from our R, but recently there has been a slight increase in better moments together. Nothing ground shattering but still improvement. These moments are still separated by nonconnected moments but objectively there seems to be more. Last week we chatted easily for over an hour one evening, covering many topics including future home improvement projects. In itself it wasn't huge but compared to other times where conversation is laborious or non existent, it was nice.

W does not initiate physical contact but more and more puts herself in situations where I usually will. Not sexual but still contact. Earlier on this would be shrugged off or avoided. There have been a few moments where she has placed her hand on me during banter. Again small stuff, but still am improvement.

I could list on and on micro improvements. Are these worth it. No. But they highlight a possibility of more. Time will tell.

There have been moments where I wasn't as nice as I would like to be and others where I outright needed to not spend time with her. At other times I pushed slightly towards her doing stuff alone or me taking the kids on my own. Sometimes I pushed harder than I prefer. But regardless my W has almost systematics chosen to stay around or come with us. In the future I will forge out more time alone with my.boys because I really want it. There seems to be less of a pull awayness about her. She is not all in but definitely not all out either.

So in essence the limbo continues. I am OK with that for the moment. I am not happy to just sit back, give it time and see how it developes. I will continue to try to chip away at her walls, at my imperfections and at improving the connection between us. Recently I read three M/R books:
1. ILYBNILWY book
2. SSM by Michelle
3. SSM guide for men

Shortly I will note some points I took from these. Until then best wishes to ye all


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2748735 06/28/17 12:30 AM
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was or what 9

Last link didn't seem to work.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2748892 06/28/17 09:53 AM
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Hey Roist, sorry I don't have any words if wisdom at the moment. I also seem to be at a low point. I just wanted to pop in to offer my support and say that I appreciate all the encouragement you give me on my thread smile


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 #2748899 06/28/17 10:16 AM
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God bless you roist...I hope and pray that all goes well.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
SBJ #2748942 06/28/17 08:47 PM
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Thanks coly & sbj.

The lows help us appreciate the highs more.

Over the last six months my focus was primarily on other stuff but every now and again I put a little effort into improving my knowledge and hence adapting/tweaking my approach with W. That is why I read three books recently. I will take learnings from all three, mix them with what I do already and enhance my approach.

I have a few delicate balancing acts that are not easy to perfect. I don't stress about that anymore. I do my best. If I fail, it is not a loss. Those balancing acts are:
# detaching yet remaining attached. I have not fully detached but I think I can readily accept either outcome. At some points it is harder to be attachedthan detached!!Here everyone is encouraged to detach. People forget that it is the outcome you should detach from most of all. Detachment is not easy to achieve but is essential. In most cases here it is better to fully detach. I feel my situation is an exception. Feel free to contradict my opinion.
# show W I do not need her versus wanting to be with her. Early on I did a lot of work to eliminate my need for us to stay together. It was hard but I got there. Once that need is gone, it became a choice to want to stay together. A choice I make consciously and unconsciously each day. The balancing part is demonstrating to W my independence and unneedinesswhilst not becoming cold nor distant. Early on I had to fake it.
# accept less than ideal situation as a phase to get through versus not being happy with how things are. I have not settled for less. I am accepting less for now. I deserve more. I will have more. In the meantime I accept without resentment where we are. My W is giving all she can at the moment.Believing that helps me put aside my needs and desires temporarily.
# giving space versus building connection. My W is available to me every evening. If I am OK with TV/series/DVD that is often how we spend our small window of time after kids are in bed. I am often tired so that is OK but I want more. That is not living. So some evenings I have other stuff to do first, or for most of the evening. It is not easy to judge how much space and how much together time W prefers, so I do what works best for me whilst remaining considerate. W appears to wait for me so we can do nothing together on the couch!! Together I like, doing nothing I like less. But slowly I am introducing small stuff we could do together and more often than not W is up for it.
# supporting silence versus fruitless conversation. I have a simple solution to silent treatment, I go get busy. It is often just before I get up to leave that W will open up a conversation. She seems to sence my imminent departure. I don't prefer to do stuff alone but it beats feeling alone together. Sometimes I do chip away to try engage a conversation but mostly it is better to not pers8st unless she is receptive.
# being attracted and being repulsed by her. Every day there are moments I genuinely see great things about my W. In those moments she is beautiful and great. Everyday I also see her lost soul and distant interactions. That person is not someone I want to be with. I look for the former as much as possible and ignore the latter as much as possible. My W has her own inner battle raging. I am rooting for the former! I am lucky that at least once a day there is a moment that I am in awe of my W and see why I stand. That moment may only last seconds but still.

OK that is a snapshot of my daily abalancing acts. But tbh it is just how things are and not a head wrecker where I stress to find the best way to navigate this situation.

I will note some stuff I picked up during my recent reading and then will more than likely drop away from my thread again.

Thanks for reading.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2748943 06/28/17 09:29 PM
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Specifically you comment about "giving space versus building connection" is so similar to my situation. We have been doing the same with my W. But recent events are derailing me due to being on the brink of separation.

Wish you all the best. Stay the course. Decrease the number of books is wise. I did the same, even stopped looking at some all together not to get confused.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
WillDo #2749004 06/29/17 03:40 AM
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Roist - just want to say kudos to you for the quiet work you do over there. I read the list of your balancing acts and the way you remain present through it all is commendable.

I particularly empathize with the last act of seeing glimpses of beauty in your wife and cherishing those in a sea of distant interactions.

It is helpful to read this; just as helpful as the advice you give. Thanks for taking the time to post.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
roist #2749093 06/29/17 01:17 PM
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Roist,

Have you been spying on me?

Your list is awesome for a bewildered LBH like me who is constantly second guessing himself.

The two hardest for me:

Detaching and maintaining attachment.

Giving space while building connection.

I used to think these were contradictory things. I now see the wisdom of them.

Peace,

Gordie


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie #2749373 07/02/17 11:48 PM
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Busy weekend. Interactions poorer than usual. I will review my contribution to that and move on. It is how it is. Sometimes I wonder if I am.too accepting of the situation, too resigned to it being that way. Sometimes it is all I can do is to keep standing regardless, but at times there is room for me to do more to change things.

In that vain of thought, here are some snippets I gathered from a book recently. These are things that resonated with me and that I wanted to note here for my easy future reference.

"The moment you take responsibility for EVERYTHING in your life is the moment you can change ANYTHING in your life." Quote from Hal Elrod

Regardless of who is right or wrong you must take responsibility for your contribution to the state of the M. No more blaming. No more excuses. No looking for quick fixes. Do whatever it takes to regain W's respect and build a world class M.

W does not want you to read her mind. Too easy and superficial. She's a treasure trove of beauty and complexity. She wants you to dig and to work for it. She wants you to pull it out of her. She wants to know she's your priority. She wants yo know youcare about her pain.

Intimate and lasting M are forged when we anticipate the day to day needs of W and spring into action before asked.

Ask yourself:what's one thing I can do this week to begain moving from zero to hero in Ws eyes.

Each morning answer:
1 name 1 thing grateful for about W
2 what's 1 thing I can do TODAY to be a better H?
3 what's one thing I can do TODAY to communicate my love and appreciation for W

Each evening ask:
1 what did I learn today about W or myself
2 what's one thing I could have done differently/better today?
3 what do I want to say to her before falling asleep

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Choose carefully.

Ask W weekly what it would take to have perfect R.

A lot of people give up when they get negative feedback.Sone get mad at feedback. Others ignore it. Best response is : "thank you for caring enough to share that with me" without feedback we cannot improve.

Use W feedback to determine what needs to change,what will I do differently this week,how will I track progress and whose help will I enlist

At end of conversation ask is there anything else she wants to say.

Agreeing with W helps her feel heard.

For a M to thrive: keep choosing her and show it.

The essence of romance is " I'm thinking about you"

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also". Whatever you invest in , your heart will grow more fond of/more attached to

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.

If you want a different harvest, begin planting different seeds TODAY

I reiterate my message that these ate just notes taken out of context for me to refer to later.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2749375 07/02/17 11:55 PM
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thank you Roist. So much here also resonated with me. Certainly many things I could have and ought to have done differently while married. I'm happy for you that you've been given the opportunity to use these while still together.

Hang in there xoxoxo

It's a process. A marathon, not a sprint.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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