Hi. First post here. Heard this forum has a lot of supportive people.
So, a month ago my (ex)-wife dropped the bomb. She wants a divorce. It came as a surprise to me, but afterwards I totally understand the issues and can see the marriage from a third-person view.
We've been together for 9 years and were married for five. We have two children, 7 year old and a baby. The first born caused a minor depression for me because I was not ready to have a child yet. I've been absent at times emotionally but I think I've still kept my wife happy since she wanted to have a second baby with me that we tried for over half a year.
My depression became worse just before the baby was born because I graduated and have not been able to find a job. It had not been diagnosed and neither of us have been able/realized to search for help. I have been extremely negative and have not seen a good future for myself. I was extremely clingy. I've spent way too much time in my own world. My wife has been super stressed with her studies in a very demanding field and with the baby. She does not realize but her behavior added to mine and we got further apart. She has said that she had thought divorcing me a few years earlier.
The reasons she said were that I am too negative and that she felt I did not want to be with them. She said she's been going through this in her head for half a year. Also, I have feelings but I don't love you.
I have been thinking and I've come to the conclusion that I'm losing the love of my life. I do not need my wife but I want her. I can see my failures as a husband and I've already seeked help, lost nearly 20 pounds and overall forced myself to be positive regardless of the situation. I understand I should have felt this way earlier but I can't change my past. I've forgiven for myself and my attitude is to learn from my mistakes.
I am moving out tomorrow. It was super hard today to tell our first born. I got so emotional when she started hugging me very hard, not saying a word and two tears came from her eyes. She said everything is fine but we all know how hard it is for kids and they don't really even realize what it means.
I spent this month trying to be the best husband. I was never absent in my own world, I helped with everything, was positive... My wife said she felt nice and was happy that I was so positive, but fears it was only show and that I'm really depressed. I actually, kind of for the first time in my life, feel that I have a future. I have been so much more confident in job search, which is probably due to better food, exercise and forced positiviness.
I have no clue what my wife meant with when she said time will show, when I expressed that the old relationship was not going well but I would be lying if I wouldn't want to start over from scratch. She said earlier the six months thinking period will be enough to show if this was the right decision. With everything else, she is projecting a future without me. She saved our picture behind the new one in a frame which I found odd. Right after the divorce I was very emotional and she suggested that we could go somewhere as a family every now and then and see if something happens but she has not said anything about it anymore and it feels that she regret saying it, especially when she told our daughter that we would never be together anymore as a family.
I would really want to see my future with her. But I am convinced this is a lost cause. I have no clue whether she found a new guy or not. Honestly I'd hope she would be with someone because she won't take a year off from the university. It's going to be hard for her and it's killing me that I can't support her properly anymore, ever.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Do those comments normally hold any value or are they there just to ease their own guilt and pain? She even said and guarantees she would talk straight.
I feel that the love we had is completely gone on her side. She has been fine with me around (even asked me to join furniture shopping etc on several occasions) but when I'm away she doesn't text me at all unless it's very urgent.
Am I supposed to bust detach and keep very low contact? Some coaches advice to initiate talk whenever I see her and then listen. Always show interest in them but nothing about myself. Is this against the detaching if I show interest in her life? Should I just keep talking about how my kids have been while I haven't seen them?
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Do those comments normally hold any value or are they there just to ease their own guilt and pain? She even said and guarantees she would talk straight.
I feel that the love we had is completely gone on her side. She has been fine with me around (even asked me to join furniture shopping etc on several occasions) but when I'm away she doesn't text me at all unless it's very urgent.
Am I supposed to bust detach and keep very low contact? Some coaches advice to initiate talk whenever I see her and then listen. Always show interest in them but nothing about myself. Is this against the detaching if I show interest in her life? Should I just keep talking about how my kids have been while I haven't seen them?
I repeat Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. right now you need to do what is best for YOU not some tactic that is going to try to win her back.
What can you do to see your kids more? What are you doing about your depression?
I repeat Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. right now you need to do what is best for YOU not some tactic that is going to try to win her back.
What can you do to see your kids more? What are you doing about your depression?
Do you realize that she is depressed too?
Yes, I know. I was just wondering how I should interact with her. Not show any interest? I don't think it's really harming my healing process.
We have really open rules about seeing kids. I can see them whenever I want or my older wants to see me. Also they are coming to my place every second weekend, can't take them more due to my current job.
I am seeing a psychiatrist. I am eating better, seeing my friends, trying to pursue my dreams by doing baby steps towards them daily, interacting in online communities and exercising nearly every day for multiple hours.
She claims she is not depressed, or at least that she doesn't have the post birth depression. She doesn't want to go talk about the problems to anyone. I do realize that she is extremely unhappy and wants to pursue happiness on her own.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
She claims she is not depressed, or at least that she doesn't have the post birth depression. She doesn't want to go talk about the problems to anyone. I do realize that she is extremely unhappy and wants to pursue happiness on her own.
So she TOLD you she is not depressed and you believe what she said? She is unhappy - this is a sign of depression.
You can not tell her these things -she will not believe anything you say either - keep your mouth shut and be the best possible DAD you can be. Show her by ACTIONS not WORDS
So she TOLD you she is not depressed and you believe what she said? She is unhappy - this is a sign of depression.
You can not tell her these things -she will not believe anything you say either - keep your mouth shut and be the best possible DAD you can be. Show her by ACTIONS not WORDS
Why are you attacking me? Or am I interpreting it incorrectly?
She is unhappy towards the marriage, not overall. Of course. Seems quite happy towards her new friends from university. Constantly smiling on her phone and also always online in WhatsApp. Affair? Perhaps.
Of course I trust someone who seems quite indifferent and actively pursuing a new life. She's been going through these feelings over months or years. I am not saying anything that isn't true and it's been only a month and half.
I am not trying to convince her. I have not said anything about the relationship since the third day after BD. Nor has she really.
So I am not supposed to talk about her life when I see her even when it makes me feel more happy or discuss about what our kids have done? Just be with my kids, dump them for my wife and leave? I thought being interested in her life sincerely, not demanding or convincing, would be the best choice. This is how we have been this month and every day she's been cold at first but seemed happy, more talkative and laughed more later the day.
I believe that communication is the only way. I will never do NC or show no sincere interest in her life unless it is to completely start a new life without any will to reconcile from my part. I won't be falling into mind games because they never build a good R. Of course I won't text her unless it's important.
Of course I show it too. Like I've stated. This is the most important part. But just being with my kids without any other interaction probably will never get us closer. I will let her go, but still be her friend.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Just now we are dividing the stuff that I get to take and she doesn't seem unhappy at all, jokes around and seems normal. We are like we would have been on normal days in our R.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
