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WillDo Offline OP
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I can't express how grateful I am for your update. I will read over and over again. Interestingly had a tough discussion today. Mainly put into action on being more assertive.In summary, she complained about the past and even of recent events which leaves me puzzled. As has been said to me, she is not trying to hurt me. She is unhappy and trying to find happiness.

Acceptance is not there. I can feel it. Trouble is Resistance is there. And what you are advising or maybe I am adding up what I hear/feel is that I am resisting to her decision. That I need to let go.

Knowing depression, I can feel how my updates might seem low. My apologies. Well that is what W had to cope with possibly. But I came a long way with mindfulness and lithium. That is the only reason how I continue to cope. Otherwise I would be clinically depressed. And as I said before my psychiatrist had advised to show anger to not get to the depressed state. The danger is being aggressive but keeps you more sane. I am saying these because there may be people out there who are lost.

Coming back to journalling.

Oh we discussed but I talked more this time. She is confused on how to leave. And blames me for not agreeing to go to the other house. She now says it will be too far. Said let's rent it out and she takes the money to fund another rental flat. The conversation flow towards saying that she can get me kicked out of the house. Stating also that the house belonged to both of us and then she said she wanted both places to be sold. Blame me of not being considerate. Said I earned more and I could afford moving out. Said I would be more happy and free. At one point she asked about the conversation and pictures I had caught her with OM but I said I will not discuss it again (she keeps denying).She blamed for leaving the house to work abroad. I reminded her that she agreed to it. Blamed me for my illness and me doing everything halfway. I told her that I apologies for my wrong doings and yes it was an illness and a struggle. I survived and gave prosperity.

Divorce. Under the law of the country we were married, she keeps saying that she will accuse me of something to get the ball rolling. That would make it dirty. I need to read into these more but again. She keeps threatening me and drawing me as the bad husband. In her works everybody around her is happy. I said really? Lots of our friends got a divorce. What makes you say that? (I know: OM divorced twice and can do what ever he wants. He is her role model)

I am trying to capture what happened but I left it saying that if she is talking about separation, I said we already are living in different rooms and having different lives.

I will read your update again roist.

Good night!


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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Again woke up. Only way to let it out.

It was sad. At the start my D felt that we would argue. She experienced it before. Asked W if she loved her or me more. Then she asked if she loved her twin more.

This is tough. I should only pray and ask for the best. Law of attraction.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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Journalling

After I prepare breakfast, she rushes downstairs says she wint eat anything I prepared and says she will look for jobs out of town and that I would not see the Ds easily. Also said that she wouldnt pick up the girls from school. She wouldnt do a favour. She will go to yoga directly. And she is on her phone of course.


She can do whatever she wants.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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We are going on a trip next week for 5 weeks. God help me.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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I suppose I gave in and accepted me movingto the small flat.
She threatened and threatened and threatened me. She was so nasty.

Still maybe hope but as you all have said maybe will give different perspective.
I feel invredibly alone and lonely. I told her that. I couldn't be upbeat. An emotional crackdown for me. The Ds didnt understand what was going on but hugged me. One would normally never hug or kiss. Today she did. I feel bad.

She seemed victoriuous. She said to me yeah that I cant always get what I want.

I feel treated so unfairly. As if none of my sacrifices matter.

I might be doing harm but this is how I feel.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Apr 2015
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People treat you how you let them treat you.

I read something yesterday:

"The moment you take responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you can change anything in your life"

It's time to change.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
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WillDo Offline OP
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This is my low-esteem that never left me that Sandi had referred to.

I had felt that marriage had brought me on track. The relationship had increase my self-esteem. Followed with redundancy, depression, money issues... As things got better I see her fly with OM.

I am responsible. I have done many changes and still I am where I am.

Now she just texted me she had a soar. Blaming me on the impact to her physical health. My mental health is blown up, no concentration, feeling the loneliest person in the universe and she is complaining to me.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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What changes are you going to DO now?

Whatever you have done has not worked or at least not yet. But more immediately you have a big change heading your way. Are you only seeing the downside of moving out? This moment is full of potential. It can be the start of you living the way you want to live. I am not downplaying the loss of your w and family BUT this can also be an opportunity to find yourself and grab your life between your hands and shape it to be great.

Like it or not you are about to separate. That is a sad fact. I am sorry but you can either wallow is what you haven't or thrive in what you have. Think of everything you can possibly do? Seize the opportunity to live.

You don't need to explain but I don't understand why you let her push you out. Why did you decide to give in? Secondly I don't understand why you are going on this trip together.

Are you on anti depressors?If not maybe you should reconsider.II feel you need help getting out under your despair.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
W
WillDo Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
That's for sure. Though don't have the optimism and desire to grab anything. My mindset right now is what ever I touch breaks. My W admitted that she sees me as unlucky. Everything I have experienced including at a point being hospitalised for a 1 night. I am taking lithium for my depression.

Why did I? Her threats and willingness to speed up the divorce process. And logistics with the kids. And the trip is for her a business trip. While she is attending a course, I will look after the kids who are out of school. The training is in US and we are in UK.

I just don't want to go to the other flat. I want to be a room. I am confused. Each day going down. Just don't understand why last night she started this conversation again.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 284
W
WillDo Offline OP
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I will have to go to basics to avoid depression. Mindfulness and GAL.

It is probably frustrating for some and normal for others. Mr Nice Guy depression maybe but grabbing the moment is not easy as it sounds.


Me: 43, W: 43
M: 16, T: 18
D - 7, D - 7
ILUB: 26 August 2014
Still living together
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