The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Sorry I dont post much on others' threads right now, but it usually takes me a while to think out and type a response and...I've never really learned to type...I still "hunt and peck", although its less hunt and more quick pecking.

So quick (for me) update. XH is still in the hospital. He had complications, had a tube put in from nose to stomach (which he fought) and was miserable. D26 has been handling this sitch mostly alone, was feeling the burden, and had orchestrated a plan to have me bring her sis, D25, up to visit this weekend. After much discussion (XH had been firm on no visitors) and a quick text to XH, D25 and I saw that part of the plan was an attempt to get me up there. D25 did not want to be a "pawn" and we both decided to abide by his expressed wishes.

I also went against advice here and sent short texts to H Saturday (to check if he was willing to see D25) and the next two days to see how he was. He called back both times to talk.

Yesterday he called back in the afternoon to say D25 and I could come up (they had taken the tube out of his nose). D25 decided to go separately, either later or today. She won't, most likely. The avoidance is strong, with that one. So I went alone.

We talked. He had showered before I got there (he warned that he hadn't yet for almost a week, so I was surprised)and I commented on it, but he kept speaking of being old and ugly. Seriously. Worse than ever. Even commented to the nurse that I visited even though he was so ugly. After about an hour, I went to leave but he asked that I stay. I ended up getting ready to leave after another hour and mentioned that I'd like to stop by the river house (his house) to see D26 and her H (they are staying there right now to take care of the place and to be close in case he is discharged) and stick my toes in the water.
She had warned me when I told her I was driving up (an hour and half drive) that I should ask him if it was ok. Which puzzled me, because he insisted I keep the key and that I was welcome to use it when no one was there. I really didn't even want to go inside.

So I asked. He suddenly changed demeanor, got very closed off, and told me in about eight different ways that I could only go if I promised it was just to see D26 and for no other reason...but went on and on. I explained that I almost never get to see her and that would be the point, but that it was such a pretty place and hot that day that I had thought it would be nice to be in the water for a bit...but I realized that that was his home and I wouldnt go. He then started to act upset with himself, said "I know its not fair...I don't want to say no to you!" He then explained that there wete lots of changes, he'd painted the dock, there was a new piece of furniture in the kitchen...I cut him off. I told him I wouldn't go. It was ok. I even smiled. I explained that it was his home and I expected him to do what he wanted with it. (but in my mind I was thinking...you just allowed a bunch of people you had never met to be there over night for a bachelorette party for an employee that you've been having issues with while you couldn't be there because you were in the hospital! Ugh. MLC!) D26 walked in right then so I gave her a hug, but I was a bit shaken and trying to hold it together. She was surprised to see me still there, but also surprised that I was leaving right away after she had arrived. I gave her another kiss, said goodbye, and left. Only had a minor almost meltdown in the car..but its his house.

I apologized and explained my abrupt departure to D26 later that night. I told her I would return the key to the house as I was no longer welcome there. She told me to hold on to it...not to be so hasty. He's working through a whole lot and trying some new things...like not letting so many people take advantage of him (he's a "Mr. Nice Guy...and that has been a huge issue). She explained that he felt horrible that he had said that and upset me...it was part of his practicing the boundary setting and he admitted that it was because he was so comfortable with me it was almost easier...but not really what he wanted.She told me to just chill. He's a messed up guy trying to work through a thousand things at once. And that he was very happy I drove up to visit. I said, "yeah. He's bored to death there and had something to break up the day." Her counter was that no, there was more.

I'll send him one more "hope you get out today text". Then I'm off to class. I'm not a great DBer...but at least I'm ok with having visted him when he was low...whatever his feelings.

[Gordie]

Ciluzen,

I wish I had some helpful advice for you but I don't so will just offer my support.

Interesting that there are so many mister nice guy types that are either WH or LBHs. Is that just a categorization of weak men?

[bttrfly]

Honey you're a fine DBer. Is there a contest to see who is the best? or a rank order? We all got dealt a very $h!tty hand and are all trying to make the best of it. Some situations that come up are handled in a more ... traditional DB way than others, but we are all making efforts, learning and supporting each other.

Don't be quick to cut off - you may end up regretting it if you do. I'm saying this as much for myself as for you as I've had a situation in my life arise lately where my first inclination is to cut off and I'm struggling on some days to stop myself for doing that, as I've done so before with damaging results all around. Don't want to do that again! Don't want that for you either!

How's class going?
xoxoxo

[ciluzen]

Gordie, I appreciate the support. As to the "nice guy" issue, I think damaged applies, as well.

[ciluzen]

Bttrfly, I apparently lost my long reply to you. I'd love to hear what your sitch is, but understand it sometimes takes a bit to wrap your mind around it. I'm sorry you're struggling with it. I know you'll work through it and come out with even more wisdom soon. I won't cut-off, but I'm going to have to force an extreme effort to let things go after this. Or I'll lose my head.

My piece (and peace) I lost yesterday was that XH called to apologize as I was getting ready for school. I was not prepared to talk and was in a hurry, so I ended up dwelling on what he said all day and didn't sleep well last night. School is fine so far, by the way. Lots of reading.

Basically, he realized that there had been changes made to the house and he assumed I would be hurt when I saw them (a new piece of furniture, the dock was painted, other changes) so he made the decision to tell me no...to protect me from being hurt, and thus ended up hurting me. I sense a pattern, here.

He explained that he realized that it was really not his decision to make and that was my home, too, and that he's never denied anyone entrance to that house. It wasn't fair to do that to me.
So, I told him he had every right to tell me no...it is HIS house. He reiterated that at one point it was mine, too. Here's where I needed a tall STFU smoothie. I was honest...I said it was never my house. That, as I see it now in the clarity of hindsight, his decision to purchase that house was the first time he did not treat me as his partner.
His response was to "agree" and say, yeah. Its the first time I didn't let you tell me "no".
My response was to tell him I had never told him "no"...I just wanted to give my opinion and voice my concern that we couldn't afford it. But that I loved to go there and enjoy it and do work on it after the decision was made. But that it increasingly hurt to have to share it with someone who had his attention more than I.
It led to a mini-R talk (not so much from me). Which led to him saying "we've been over this before". That's his cut-off.

Basically, I realize that he's working on himself and who he is. Almost dying (he was close) has probably given a new wrinkle to his thought process. He felt it necessary to revisit the "being used" by others bit, but has changed his thoughts to the idea that those people also enjoy him. That he is a like-able person (I agreed...he is). And that he liked people (went on to list a bunch of people I didn't know and activities he's done with them. He's hanging out with a lot of people with kids in middle and highschool. I'm jealous, I'll admit. I love children, too.

Then he said I hate people. (sound of brakes screeching)

Um. I don't. I'm shy...I'll admit that. I would lock myself in a room or avoid doing fun things with "the group" when the feelings of watching he and Bubbles interact got too overwhelming, but I was friendly otherwise. With everyone. Once again, I think he's confusing me with his mom. She really did dislike EVERYONE. He would always dismiss certain things she said with, "well she doesn't like anyone...not even my dad. Not sure if she really likes me or my brothers, either." So, projection again. I can't fight that, other than to deny it or debate it. I just don't have the energy.

He left off with telling me how he debated on who to call when he needed to go to the ER and that I was "on the list". That I was always on the list. That he would hope that I would call him if I was in an emergency sitch, because he'd drop everything to be there. I told him, "but you didn't do that for me...you called our D". He repeated that I was on the list. I wonder how many others are there?

He hoped that I would always know that I could borrow the truck or call if I needed help, but that he wanted to have me affect his life as little as possible and that he wanted to have as little effect on mine as possible.

So here I am dwelling on it. I think I'm going to have to figure out a way to not use his help at all, even though its there. His words are there to push me away gently, but I'm not so sure about his actions. I really need some distance.

[AndrewP]

CIL - I think what it comes down to is a lot of blather from him. Him saying that you can count on him was just said to make him feel good - IMO.

I've found on my own journey that the number of people that you can "really" count on is rather small and one of them stares at you in the mirror every morning. I've also found that the people you can count on turn up in the oddest places and aren't the ones you expect them to be.

I've also found that for some people that there is a price to pay for their support and it usually is an unbalanced transaction. I had a good friend who I was able to lean on a few times and then ended up being their primary ear for whenever they had anything to vent about often for many many hours. One of the things that has humbled me though is the number of truly kind and random people that have be there for me from a lady at the coffee shop who dashed around the counter to hug me because she thought I was having a bad day (I was), to a former employee who dropped everything to have dinner with me and then gently explained to me how I was an idiot (I am).

What I'm trying to say is be open to the world. Don't let others paint your portrait nor plot your destiny. If (God forfend) you truly need help one day, just reach out your hand like I have done and I guarantee you that you will be surprised at who helps you and lifts you up.

[ciluzen]

Thank you, Andrew. I believe what you said is very true.

I have decided to put some distance between us. My NC unless he initiates plan is painful because he does initiate...but its just to make sure I'm there. Whatever is going on with him...he holds me at arms length; just enough to give me hope, which crushes me .

I have two weddings that I have RSVPed to that he was planning on going to, as well. One is his assistant's. The other is my D26's best childhood friend (I refer to her as my third child). I won't miss either wedding, but I'm rethinking my actions that set me on a direct course to spending time near him. I'm also rethinking my "need" to borrow things or use his help (even when offered). I need to take care of things myself without him being involved, as well as build up my own toolbox.

I also have decided to unfollow everyone on FB that was part of the extended "family" of friends we met through Bubbles. They will all be at the vacation home off and on this summer I'm sure. At this point I just don't have them in my life...almost no contact. I won't unfriend...they've done nothing bad, but I just don't want to see reminders. And they chose him and not me, even though we never asked them to choose. XH had the right idea...it does hurt still, but I need to protect me; he doesn't.

Learning about CBT in school, amongst other things. I need to make a habit of stopping those negative thoughts before they take over.

[kml]

Is it bad that I really want you to show up at those weddings with some hot guy on your arm???

[ciluzen]

It has been suggested to me by others many times. I even have a hot young guy who has volunteered. But that wouldn't be authentic action on my part, unfortunately. But bad? Nahhhhh.

[OwnIt]

Ciluzen,

Sorry he is still baking. My checks to make sure I am still there but he does it a mean way. At least yours is somewhat loving, if clueless to your feelings. I hope you guys enjoy some nice time at some point this summer at the vacation property.