I had to start a new thread since that one was already too long. Just so everyone knows from the start of this thread. I have made the decision to go see my wife in person. I am going to dress nice and just ask her out to lunch and to get out of the house for a little bit. If she completely shuts me down and can't stand the sight of me then I will have my answer, which will push things along. Then I can make a much more clear decision about what I want to do next.
Oh damn.. Cali, don't take this the wrong way, but that sounds like your about to control of your life.. The best thing I can tell you, is if your gonna go see her, make it on your terms. Go say hi, if she shuts you down, tell her you wanted to make sure you tried, and goodbye.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Oh damn.. Cali, don't take this the wrong way, but that sounds like your about to control of your life.. The best thing I can tell you, is if your gonna go see her, make it on your terms. Go say hi, if she shuts you down, tell her you wanted to make sure you tried, and goodbye.
That wasn't to clear to me. Did you mean to take control of my life? If it was, my life hasn't been out of control. That is the one thing I have tried to get across to everyone here. I very much have a life and nothing has changed as far as my daily activities go, minus my wife of course. It seems like you understand my point of doing this. Being in limbo is crap. She told me a month ago I was going to get the divorce papers in the mail that week through text. Of course I haven't seen a damn thing from her. I'm tired of playing this game. She either loves me or she doesn't as far as I'm concerned. If she loves me then she will honestly want to work things out, because I know what I need to do and how I need to change. If she wants out then I know the love isn't true. I love her and put up with everything that was thrown at me, even the real fact that I could be physically taking care of my young wife in a few years. Anyway..... here goes nothing.
Cali, was looking through your post from a couple of months ago:
Quote:
I then told her I could drive to see her instead, but she told me again she just didn’t know if it would be good because she said she needed time. I ended up texting her later that day that I was respecting her decision to take time and I wouldn’t ask her to come and I wouldn't ask to come up there and I wouldn’t bring anything up unless she did. She simply texted back a thank you.
The last time you did this you promised her you wouldn't ask her to come, and that you wouldn't come there. So, what has changed that makes you think that breaking your promise is the healthy thing to do? Don't answer, just think about it. I'm sure you've heard that snippet that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.
You tend to get very, very defensive like C-nut said. All we're doing is trying to help, we give you the tools. It's up to you whether to pick them up and use them or not. But I'll warn you that it's hard to build anything without tools.
I had to start a new thread since that one was already too long. Just so everyone knows from the start of this thread. I have made the decision to go see my wife in person. I am going to dress nice and just ask her out to lunch and to get out of the house for a little bit. If she completely shuts me down and can't stand the sight of me then I will have my answer, which will push things along. Then I can make a much more clear decision about what I want to do next.
Sounds like a good plan. We all have our limits when it comes to being passive and living in limbo. At some point you have to fish or cut bait. When you truly don't care which way it goes, and know you'll be fine, is when it's that time.
Okay I'm one of those who thinks you should have moved across country for her so yeah, I'm not opposed.
At this point I think you have nothing to lose by doing this unless you blow it. I would have given her a day's notice, btw.
Not enough time for her to try & change your mind but for her to shower, think ahead of how she feels, what she wants, and for her not to panic or feel intruded upon by a guy at the door "surprising" her.
You're not a man returning from combat whom she's waiting for...
You need, for you both to say your peace face to face...This need not be "The Finale" but it may give you some closure.
AS LONG AS you arrive with no expectations of her slapping her forehead in a seismic change of heart, packing her suitcase and leaving with you...(this is Not The Graduate where you get to rescue the bride from the wrong groom) you could be fine.
I hope this will be a great seed planting trip. Not "the Finale" and not necessarily closure, but a gesture that creates hope, and not much more at this point.
Oh and you better handle /anticipate the possibility she will have plans with others and NOT change them, b/c she's not ready to do that (and she did not know ahead of time)
and she will feel great pressure from you just expecting her to rearrange her life b/c you "finally" showed up. That may make her flee, but since you are only there for X days, which she needs to know btw, she can meet you
And You need to have plans of your own...no matter what.
so you will need to be "content" with maybe a lunch and dinner with her, or just one face to face conversation.
I think you want hope AND OR closure, but maybe the goal can be a conversation In which you will listen more than talk and
show passion without anger,
optimism without insensitivity to her pain,
and a willingness to move on in your life, glad that you two met and wishing her the best. Because you want her last image of you to be one she will remember and MISS...
good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
if by chance she opens up her schedule for you, don't be a jerk and say you're busy.
But if she does not change her plans or some event and does not invite you to join, handle it.
Your goal really, is one good conversation face to face, in which you present your best self.
To make sure her lasting image of you is a strong attractive loving h.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Cali, was looking through your post from a couple of months ago:
Quote:
I then told her I could drive to see her instead, but she told me again she just didn’t know if it would be good because she said she needed time. I ended up texting her later that day that I was respecting her decision to take time and I wouldn’t ask her to come and I wouldn't ask to come up there and I wouldn’t bring anything up unless she did. She simply texted back a thank you.
The last time you did this you promised her you wouldn't ask her to come, and that you wouldn't come there. So, what has changed that makes you think that breaking your promise is the healthy thing to do? Don't answer, just think about it. I'm sure you've heard that snippet that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.
You tend to get very, very defensive like C-nut said. All we're doing is trying to help, we give you the tools. It's up to you whether to pick them up and use them or not. But I'll warn you that it's hard to build anything without tools.
If you kept reading further you would also see that a little later after that she invited me to come see her for the weekend all on her own and it was after I said those things to her. I know my wife well and there are some things that she needs to see from me. One major thing is she needs to see that I put her first. Of course, most of you think that me going there is not about her being first, but me. That being said, how I feel about it is not that way. I really don't want to go see her
Cali, was looking through your post from a couple of months ago:
Quote:
I then told her I could drive to see her instead, but she told me again she just didn’t know if it would be good because she said she needed time. I ended up texting her later that day that I was respecting her decision to take time and I wouldn’t ask her to come and I wouldn't ask to come up there and I wouldn’t bring anything up unless she did. She simply texted back a thank you.
The last time you did this you promised her you wouldn't ask her to come, and that you wouldn't come there. So, what has changed that makes you think that breaking your promise is the healthy thing to do? Don't answer, just think about it. I'm sure you've heard that snippet that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.
You tend to get very, very defensive like C-nut said. All we're doing is trying to help, we give you the tools. It's up to you whether to pick them up and use them or not. But I'll warn you that it's hard to build anything without tools.
If you kept reading further you would also see that a little later after that she invited me to come see her for the weekend all on her own and it was after I said those things to her. I know my wife well and there are some things that she needs to see from me. One major thing is she needs to see that I put her first. Of course, most of you think that me going there is not about her being first, but me. That being said, how I feel about it is not that way. I really don't want to go see her and would much rather stay home and not spend the money I don't have to do this. It's the much harder thing for me to do between the two. I would rather just let things be the way they are, stay home and enjoy family and friends and then next week fly to Hawaii for a couple weeks for work. Instead I just got home and I am going right out back again to see her, then as soon as I get back home I will be turning around and flying back out again. So as I tried to explain on here, this is exactly the opposite of what I would do and want to do. My wife definitely understands this about me because my down time is when I'm home and not on the road. It was one of her complaints about me traveling and what not, so doing this will surprise her and not in the way you all think it will. I'm not saying at all the she is going to be crazy excited to see me, but it will at least show her the I put her first before my wants.
P.S. Sorry about this double post, but I somehow hit the tab and enter button on accident earlier.
Haha! Tell me about it. No one was interacting with my last few big posts and then I say I'm going to see my wife and there it goes, like you said, BAM!
Okay I'm one of those who thinks you should have moved across country for her so yeah, I'm not opposed.
At this point I think you have nothing to lose by doing this unless you blow it. I would have given her a day's notice, btw.
I fly in on Thursday, which I have no plans of going to see her that day. I'm heading straight to my buddies place for a good bar-b-q and to catch up with a long time old friend and one my best friends! I have debated on what to do a lot as far as letting her know. I definitely don't want to give her friends and family to start bad mouthing it the whole idea, but I do want to give her notice. I was thinking the I would call her Thursday night and let her know I'm there. One one hand I think the element of surprise is a good one and if I go over in the morning she will be by herself. On the other hand I don't want her upset her by showing up before she can be presentable.
Not enough time for her to try & change your mind but for her to shower, think ahead of how she feels, what she wants, and for her not to panic or feel intruded upon by a guy at the door "surprising" her.
You're not a man returning from combat whom she's waiting for...
You need, for you both to say your peace face to face...This need not be "The Finale" but it may give you some closure.
AS LONG AS you arrive with no expectations of her slapping her forehead in a seismic change of heart, packing her suitcase and leaving with you...(this is Not The Graduate where you get to rescue the bride from the wrong groom) you could be fine.
I hope this will be a great seed planting trip. Not "the Finale" and not necessarily closure, but a gesture that creates hope, and not much more at this point.
Oh and you better handle /anticipate the possibility she will have plans with others and NOT change them, b/c she's not ready to do that (and she did not know ahead of time)
and she will feel great pressure from you just expecting her to rearrange her life b/c you "finally" showed up. That may make her flee, but since you are only there for X days, which she needs to know btw, she can meet you
And You need to have plans of your own...no matter what.
so you will need to be "content" with maybe a lunch and dinner with her, or just one face to face conversation.
I think you want hope AND OR closure, but maybe the goal can be a conversation In which you will listen more than talk and
show passion without anger,
optimism without insensitivity to her pain,
and a willingness to move on in your life, glad that you two met and wishing her the best. Because you want her last image of you to be one she will remember and MISS...
good luck
I really don't see this as the Finale or that by any means she is going to come home with me. Those thoughts haven't even crossed my mind honestly. All this is to me is a much needed face to face and a move in some kind of direction. She told me the other day that when I asked her about her weekend and if she did anything exciting that she pretty much just spends all her time at home and reading. Like I mentioned before it seems that the whole magic of being back home and having friends and family over everyday has worn off quite a bit. I highly doubt she will have much for plans, but I am there for 4 days which will include 2 week days and the weekend. If she does have plans and wants nothing to do with me then I really am fine with that. Like I said I am staying at a friends house who I have been wanting to go see for a few years now, so I will enjoy my time no matter what. I will not let her ruin because she simple can't.
I really like the way you put things here and planting the seed. That puts into words what I have been thinking. I want her to know that I am here for her and I am putting her first. My goal was for a simple conversation. I figured if we could go out for a bite to eat and just enjoy the day with maybe a 30 or so discussion about things when we have time would be a good thing. I really want us just to have a nice time together and just enjoy each others company. I don't want it to be a drag where all we do is discuss things because that isn't fun for either one of us, I'm tired of the same old stuff anyway and I'm ready to move past it.
