Happy Father's Day to everyone! I'm one of the few of my cohort left here. I'm not sure myself why I keep visiting and occasionally posting about my rather boring life.
Life here on this shore continues pretty quiet. My L has written the "hello" letter to STBX's L and that's about all that's going on there I believe. I'm going through in my head what I'll say when the first meeting happens. Ideally we can sort things out in a fair fashion in a single meeting. Given the hourly billing rate of the lawyers, being simple and possibly not bothering to go through the numbers one at a time might be the best option. I have no clue though what the strategy or desires of the other side might be. There's really not much to fight over and what there is isn't complicated.
I was surprised the other day to get an email from STBX just after she put some money into the old joint account to cover a automatic annual payment that came out. I'd noticed the payment - it wasn't a lot and so I just covered it out of savings. It was nice of STBX to notice though and to cover it. I sent a polite one sentence (I can hear people gasping at the brevity) response back to her thanking her for the courtesy.
I do have absolutely no clue what's going on in her world though. Surprising I think because we do have a number of mutual acquaintances. I have no idea if she knows what is going on in my life either.
I thought I'd post today because it is Father's Day and these "anniversaries" do cause me to be thoughtful. Last year was the first Father's day I spent without my W by my side. I spent the day then with S22 and played mini-golf. On the agenda for today if the weather holds. She told me that she spent the day alone and in the city she grew up in but not visiting her own father. There was a grocery receipt that validated that. No clue on what she actually did. It doesn't matter.
I got a very nice card from D25 (she had a birthday) for Father's day and S22 and I will be heading out soon as well. We'll be having dinner in the village pub later. S22 is doing OK. He broiled up some steaks for our dinner last night and did a great job. He helps around the house a bit, not quite as much as I would like, but more than I might expect. Not sure how much, if any interaction he has with his mother. I'm pretty sure though that they have only seen each other a couple of times in the last 2 months. Sad in some ways because she is literally a 5 minute drive away (I believe) and I'm gone 14 hours a day.
In other news there's a 20 something who has started texting me almost daily lately. I used to be a bit of a father-figure to her and presumably still am but it is a bit weird especially when she sends me pictures that include her cleavage. I'm going to assume that it is all innocent though. I do laugh to think what the reaction of STBX would have been if we were still together and this was going on. She would have been much less than pleased. She was always quite possessive. There's no romance on the horizon for me. I do have a couple of good female friends who might become something more, or not. For a giggle I signed up on Match.com and looked around. There are a number of women on there of about my age and in my area. I then set my profile to hidden - not an avenue that I want to pursue right now. D25 agrees that it's probably best to get all the legal stuff sorted out before I consider anything else.
I start a couple of weeks of vacation this Thursday afternoon and hope to visit with some good friends and get some stuff done around the house. I also hope to get my little sloop out on the water for the first time in several years. I hope that she still floats and that the sails are ok. There will also probably be a certain amount of sitting around with a can of beer and a good book. I may be largely unsupervised but there is only so much excitement that I can take. It's funny in some ways how being a pretty boring and reliable guy works. I was chastised by the lady at the flower shop yesterday for being late picking up my roses and had to explain that yes, there were other things going on in my life that need to be dealt with <smile>.
I hope everyone is doing as well as they can. Time for me to head out for my usual boring and reliable walk around the village.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, you are always welcome here no matter the situation. Your life is far from boring and I enjoy reading about the things you are doing.
Be careful w/the young lady. Sounds like she may have a crush on you and may be interested in something a bit more than friendship, i.e., possibly down the road.
I think you are doing just fine and are right where you need to be at this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Andrew, What I particularly like about this update is the sloop. It validates something that a friend of mine said about the separation/divorce process following a lengthy marriage. He said that at first you really don't know what to do, because you're so used to being a couple that you've forgotten what you used to like before you and your ex got together. So, in his experience, separation and divorce was a time of remembering what he used to like to do and also figuring out what new things he wanted to try out.
I think it's marvelous that you'll be out on the sloop with a book and adult beverage. I imagine you reading something thoughtful and fun in the bright sunshine, getting a lovely dose of vitamin D.
good for you!
xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I was inspired to post today seeing that CaliGuy (waves) also posted an update.
My vacation thus far has been pretty good.
It had a bit of a rocky start when I had dinner with a good friend who unexpectedly got upset with me. Details are irrelevant. One thing that I think those of us who end up here learn in time is that the DB principles apply all through our lives. Two years ago I would have doubted myself and tried to "make it right". Now I just thanked them for their past friendship, wished them well and moved on. It did make me sad though - they were a good friend and I am still confused about what suddenly happened but know that perhaps I never will understand. Part of what DB is to me is the knowledge that there are so very many things in this world that I will never understand and that I shouldn't waste effort trying to. Sometimes when things get broken they shouldn't be fixed.
It's been raining here quite a lot. In parts of Ontario, Canada where I live we got 2 months worth of rain in about 6 hours last Thursday night. Quite a bit of flooding in the area but fortunately not in my own village. S22 and I reached out on Facebook offering assistance to anyone who needed it but it seemed that the actual impact was relatively minor. The rain has been sweeping through with heavy rains mixed with hail and strong winds and then bright sunshine. That means that even though I got the sloop out from under cover I spent more time bailing than fixing. I do still hope to get her out on the water this summer but it probably won't be during this vacation. There's a few minor repairs that I've identified that will keep me busy along with a bunch of stuff that needs doing around the house and garden. S22 and I also have tickets Friday to the theatre. I don't know if I can persuade him to wear the bow tie I got him for Christmas 2 years ago when the world was "normal".
The last couple of days have been pretty good. Yesterday and today I went for a couple of nice long walks (about 6 miles each time) and found that my mind does not spin nearly as much as it used to. There still is some spinning and probably always will be - hamsters I suppose. Yesterday I passed the time of day with a baby skunk from a reasonable distance.
Today S22 and I planned to go to one of the local farmer's markets. "20 something" asked if she could go along and she brought a female friend so the 4 of us had a nice day picking up fresh veg, fruit and meat. Right now the other 3 are off at a Christian Youth event while I am making my very first covered pie using rhubarb from my garden plus fresh berries from the farmer's market.
Even though part of me doesn't like the concept I've played around more with my match.com profile adding some pictures and content but it's still hidden. I don't think I'm quite ready to pull the trigger on that as of yet as (to me) it implies being able to make a commitment to some randomish stranger if things work out. It is all set though now when / if I choose to do that. For my profile I made sure to point out "Have all my own teeth" which is perhaps a plus in a rural area when you hit a certain age and also mentioned that I am a reasonably good cook and housekeeper. I figure I'll get the SIL army and perhaps D25 and "20 something" to review it before I post it publicly if I ever do. One thing that holds me back is the fact that once my profile is posted given that I live in a small area that it would be "very" obvious who I am and that I'm looking. I feel uncomfortable about that being as I still have ideas about gradually getting to know someone more "organically". Online dating to me seems to introduce artificial pressures.
I think I'm doing about as OK as could be expected. I like me, as I always have. Lots of other people like me too.
Oh - and no word from STBX - no clue what's going on in her life. S22 never mentions her either and nothing fresh from any lawyers.
The menu for the evening because Coly23 (waves) always likes to know what I'm cooking is a chicken stir-fry with fresh peppers and peas from the farmer's market. I've not done it before but am pretty confident that I'll muddle through.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey AP (waves back)! Dinner sounds fab! I love a good chicken stir fry and you know you really can't go wrong especially with some fresh from the farmers market veg! At the moment D and I are into courgetti spaghetti. Have you tried that as yet? Basically it is courgette cut to look like spaghetti but obviously much healthier. We have a spiraliser to do the job for us. Also cauliflower rice is a good alternative.
I was sorry to hear about your friend and the end of your friendship. Was this the friend who supported you right at the beginning of your separation? I know she got a little annoyed with you at times.. I think when we've been let down so badly by someone we love our ability to tolerate the behaviour of others is greatly reduced. And I think DB helps us see right through disingenuous people.
You sound like you have quite a following of young people at the moment! It's good because they keep you on your toes! I know my D and her friends certainly do. In fact they have asked me to join a party they were having in my house once but I politely declined and scuttled off to lock myself in my bedroom!
You really do sound happy AP and I'm looking forward to more updates from you!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I think sometimes people leave friendships because someone has outgrown the other
the dynamics are no longer the same --same things in R and M and especially when the MLCer goes out in replay and all growth is stunted while the LBS grows by leaps and bounds
maybe thats what happened with your friend, but I also understand it is painful and sad to let go of people you care about
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
One of the challenges with being more or less alone and on vacation is that I do run out of people to talk to. Thank you to anyone who has wandered by as I talk about my days. Once I am done with vacation the "journaling" will slow down again. One of the big things I miss about having someone by me is I don't really have anyone who I can share my thoughts with. S22 is rather closed and gets uncomfortable when I get introspective. He's rather like his mother that way only more-so. She did like talking about her own life though (but not her feelings) and after nearly 30 years the listening and related validation provided the basic conversational needs I had.
Happy Dominion Day / Canada Day to all those out there who are also celebrating all things Maple Syrup and moose related.
Yesterday I had the great pleasure of seeing the production of Treasure Island at the Stratford Festival here in Ontario, Canada. I've always enjoyed live theatre although I don't get out to see it very often. STBX was never a fan, she complained that especially with Shakespeare that she couldn't follow along with the dialogue. S22 went along with me and even though the production was aimed at a children's audience it was amazing and we both quite enjoyed it. I recommend anyone who is able to catch it to please do so. I do believe that there are a couple of people on here from this same general geographic area. If you are able to bring a child between 4 and 12 it will be even more fun. One of the things I loved about it was how they made the cast completely gender blind. Many of the the characters such as Dr. Livesey were played by female actors. Even though I generally prefer that a production not stray too far from the original work, this one was indeed inspired and certainly kept the spirit of Stevenson's book.
When we got home I checked the mail and there was an unexpected parcel from D24 containing a book of poems. I'm going to take a chance here because we shouldn't be citing non DB books but the book was called "Good Poems for Hard Times". I don't recall that Michele ever did a book of poetry so this isn't a direct conflict of the forum rules. I immediately contacted D24 and thanked her with I will admit, a tear or two in my eyes for her kindness. This will be a comfort to me for some time I am sure as I work through it. I don't tend to read a lot of poetry so will probably take this book in small bites as needed which I think it will be well suited for.
I had a nice dinner with the SIL army and my brothers out at my youngest brother's farm (S22 had other plans), ate a bit too much and got to spend some time carrying around my 1 year-old nephew who I am quite fond of. SIL2 suggested updating my still-hidden match.com profile to include a picture of us to show that I do indeed bond with children. According to SIL1 who still has some visibility of STBX via Facebook, there has been no apparent change in anything. She did mention to me that she had prodded STBX a couple of times a while ago saying that she hoped we would get back together and only got vague statements in return. I asked her not to do so going forward. I do expect that STBX and her guy are still a thing but what sort of thing I have no clue. We did talk a bit about the logistics of separation agreements and my SIL shared stories of friends and acquaintances where things ended up being rather unbalanced. I really don't know how mine will turn out nor at what speed it will progress. I'm certainly in no hurry although I would like to be able to close the entire chapter of this story and start a new one where our Hero is unfettered and seeks a new future. Until the settlement is decided on I think it best to not make many changes in my life.
When reading the program from the production of Treasure Island this morning, I was surprised to learn that Robert Louis Stevenson was a friend of William Henley who was also the inspiration for his character Long John Silver. Before I head off for my usual scone from the bakery and then dive into the laundry and house-cleaning (rainy day here plus first weekend of the month) I would like to leave you with this poem which has been very meaningful to me and I hope will provide some comfort to others on their own journeys.
Originally Posted By: William Ernest Henley
Out of the night which covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeoning of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Journaling - Just feeling thoughtful. Nothing much happening here.
Second last day of vacation. I didn't do a bunch of the things I'd intended to do although I did get the sloop cleaned up during one of the breaks in the weather last week. Yesterday could perhaps have been a good day to take her out but I had a bout of stomach flu that made it seem to be a good idea to not stray too far from home.
A few days ago I paid for and activated my match.com profile. Got a fair number of views in fact and contacted one lady - no response. I've put it back to hidden - a waste of money perhaps but I just felt so darned uncomfortable about the process. On another site they mention the "pick me" dance and it felt like that to me. It seems so arbitrary and shallow - like shopping for a painting for the wall more than finding someone to share your life with. What bothered me the most was finding myself judging the suitability of others for me.
Last year at this time I was very heavily into the "pick me" dance with my W thinking that her A had been over for some time (it wasn't). One of the things that has come over me possibly triggered by my brief foray into online dating is the sense of the surreal that I still feel from time to time. It's rather worse right now. Waking up yesterday and again today I had to remind myself that yes - She's gone - I'm alone - and this is my life now and will be for the foreseeable future.
Next month in August will be both what would have been our wedding anniversary and is also the anniversary of my first vacation spent alone. That one involved a suicidal episode on my part. It was a very dark day and I almost did something that would have made a number of people very sad. A friend of mine who was chatting with me on the weekend remarked that being on vacation alone must be weird and difficult. Yes, yes it is after so long making plans and accommodating the wishes of another it does make me feel rather lost.
It's not a bad life. In fact in many ways it's rather good. Certainly better than many people have it regardless of their marital status. It's just not the life I would have chosen. My dark days are only grey now, not black like they were. I do still try to find one piece of Joy to cherish each and every day. There is a lot to be thankful for.
Having S22 here is also odd. Perhaps because he knows it hurts he never mentions his mother. On the other hand being home and around him on vacation I see no indication that he interacts with her at all. Perhaps there are text messages but that's it. For Pete's sake - she's only a 5 minute drive away and works a morning shift when S22 is normally asleep anyway. Has he cut her out of his life? Is it the other way around? No clue and yes, none of my business. Our own interactions have been good. Having him here does remind me of his mother a lot - they have similar personalities and of course he was "our" son but generally he preferred interacting with his mother to me.
One major thing that I tackled was just about the last un-touched domain of the house since my W left. The laundry room. STBX was a bit of a pack-rat and hoarder and the laundry room was one of the places that was impacted. When it got filled she just started filling another room. I'd done some basic purging / organizing about a year ago when packing up her things into boxes but never really dealt with much else. On the list for my vacation was to repair a cabinet that had been behind a pile of stuff for a couple of decades and that when we moved in all those years ago I had just tacked a piece of cardboard over the hole "temporarily". Well I removed it and what I had thought was just some missing boards was in fact 2 missing drawers. So - down to the workshop I went and built 2 new drawers with drawer fronts that matched the existing carpentry. I'm rather pleased with them. I also went through all of the bottles and shelves and did a thorough purge. Part bottles of cleaner that I will never use got drained, rinsed and set out for recycling. For those who had been "playing the home game" and who remember my adventures in emptying the big freezer you will be amused that I also discovered that I own a rather industrial sized juicer, some broiling pans that I didn't know I had and a waffle maker as well. I also have a life-time supply of stain remover - why in heavens name did we have a need for so many bottles of that stuff ...
I took an "after" picture and SnapChatted it down to D25 and she remarked that she had never seen the laundry room so clean which I confirmed that yes - it had never been that clean.
There continues to be nothing from any lawyers. My expectation is that my former W is dragging her feet on doing the required but actually un-necessary financial disclosure paperwork. She was never one for filling out forms. There is a strong temptation to call her and see if we can get things sorted out but I presume that it is best to just let the process go on. We both know roughly the financial positions of the others although I have a lottery ticket that I haven't checked yet. There are no custody issues - in fact I wish she "would" spend some time with S22 / D25. There's not a lot of assets involved and hopefully she's not looking for support. I'm making do - but supporting S22 is a fair drag on my budget. We are both probably doing about as well financially separately as we were together.
Ah well - as the song goes "the sun's too bright, the sky's too blue" - "gonna take this heart-break and tuck it away - save it for a rainy day". The sky is indeed blue, a nice change from what it was so I'm going to head off to the farmer's market. Then this afternoon I'm taking S22 over to the local blood-donor clinic. I've been not allowed to for many years because of my heart-attack so it's good that he's kept it up.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
