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Then detach. I would start acting as if I am moving on and have someone go over and pack your stuff. For someone to miss you they have to actually...miss you. Instead of being so transparent (telling him where you were going for your trip) be mysterious and vague. He needs to know that you aren't just saying the words but are really moving forward. He would be a fool not to chase you. Think back to when you first met, would you pine away for a guy who stood you up 4 times? No? Then why do that now. Make your plans and he can be the one altering them. Instead of you scheduling around his "visit" you can do your GAL and he will have to be the one diving in to find you.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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leahsue Offline OP
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Thank you Blu and Sara! I told H in a phone call this morning that I will not keep doing this tug of war about if he's going to visit, postpone, etc. I said it is time for us to sit down and talk about where we are, what direction we plan to move in, and if we are over, we need to tie this up neatly and both get on with our lives. I told him I would not fight him if what he wants is a divorce. I said I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, so I would have no reason to try and stop you, if that's what you want. I said you need to just man up and take a stand, and stop dragging this out about we need to visit, spend time together, etc., if you have no intention of doing it. I was calm, but I guess he knew I was serious, because he said, "We do need to sit down and talk. I will fly down next week." (That should make for a real happy birthday, right?)
I don't know if he will come, but I really am not going to keep putting off my life, waiting on him to visit or not visit. Enough is enough. I saw my IC this morning, and she even admitted that she would have thrown in the towel before now, and I was surprised she would admit that, since she introduced me to DB and has always been very pro-marriage. I think she sees that I cannot continue like this.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Leah,

I am glad you felt strong and confident in your position. See how you can flip the dynamic when you are strong? I guess it would make sense to say "hope for the best, but plan for the worst." I tend not to feel that way. I would say "assume the worst, plan for the worst, but know there is so much hope without this M in general." I also don't agree that when you guys see each other things will become more clear. Sadly, I think it's clear now. He is checked out and there very well may be another person (even tho he may deny it). I want you to try and think about what you really need and want in a life partner and if he has been that person in the last 6 months. All emotions aside, what is your bottom line?

I say all of this because in your heart/gut you know and have known that he is gone and just stringing you along. If he wanted this M to work, he would have already visited and he would be getting back to you on his own. Now that you are drawing a firm line and giving an ultimatum, he is moving. I still can't see how he is actually moving towards you. He doesn't seem to be showing care for your feelings, true remorse for what he has put you through, and any real commitment to making the M work.

He has been wishywashy and may continue to be that way. I am just concenred that you may have your hopes up and expectations, and that he then may come along and be the same as he has shown you the last 6 months. So if we are preparing you for the worst, let's assume he is coming to do the "honorable thing" and end the M in person. How will you respond if that happens? I would hate for him to catch you off gaurd, you react out of emotions, and then later regret that you were not prepared.

Even if he does the worst case scenario, it is never the final ending. People and feelings change all the time. Why not shock his system with your best DB techniques, GALs, 180s, and detachment? Even if you need to fake it a bit. How good would you feel to hold your head up high, listen, validiate, and simply agree to go your own ways. "I am sorry you feel that way. This is not the marriage that I signed up for either. Kindly send the rest of my belongings when you get home." Something that shows him you will be just fine without him. That will have him second guessing himself!

I hope I am not out of line. In my sitch, one of my dear friends always told me, "he's gone, it's over, he's never coming back." It hurt like H3LL! And she was the only one that said that to me. Looking back on it tho, it was very helpful in that it forced me to think about letting go and moving on. And while this wasn't her motive, ultimately it was my letting him go that brought him back.

Leah, this is a long, long road. People change and change their minds. You are and will be just fine right now without him. So keep living for you no matter if he comes and what he says/does. He may just show up and keep being wishywashy to keep stringing you along. If that is not the M you want, you can tell him to step aside and show him your life is going on. You get to teach people how to treat you. ... You got this. We are here for you!

Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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leahsue Offline OP
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Blu,
That was a hard post to read. And since we're being transparent, I'll admit the first time through I was saying to myself, ..... but this is not US. Blu doesn't KNOW H. By the end of the post, I realized how ridiculous that was. Of course you don't know us, but you know signs and patterns, just like it's so easy for me to read into other posters stories and see things repeated over and over.

I truly appreciate your candidness, painful though it was. And I think I agree with you about preparing myself for the worst. I'd much rather be prepared on that end, than have expectations for a good visit, and it be a visit where he ends it. I'm not sure how I can begin to prepare for that mindset. Any suggestions from you (or any other vets!) would be so welcome.

I feel a bit sick just thinking about it. But painful as it may be, I can't continue like this, so I'd just as soon face the music and begin to heal, either way.

If anyone is going to offer suggestions for my prep, I do really well with specifics that I can relate word pictures to in my head. I'm for sure going to use the one where all my friends on this board are peeking in the windows, all lined up in a row, whispering for me to STFU! That makes me laugh just thinking about it.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Hi Leah,

I'm so pleased to see your latest post. You drew a boundary.

I meant to respond to your previous messages but didn't get a chance. I was going to point out the similar pattern I saw setting up again: you disappear from the board for a few days, and come back after having passive-aggressively lashed out at H from the stance of a victim. I was going to tell you that something happens to you in those days. You either talk to someone who encourages you to think yourself a victim, or your brain takes you to that place. Whatever it is, it isn't helpful for you and your goals for yourself.

I also saw you leave your own life on the backburner and step back into actively planning his trip. Whereas I'd urged you to be so busy cheerfully GAL and enjoying your days that his trip was simply another thing that was happening, and not central to your life.

And now I said them.

Yes, the window thing is great. You can picture that again because that is what we'd be doing. Also, I'd be adding in "you're no one's victim, Leahsue. H doesn't determine your worth. Don't go hurt and negative because that's not you!"

H's visit is going to be one of the biggest challenges of your life, Leah. I really want you to review what I showed you about your patterns and do your darndest not to let your patterns take hold. You are strong and straightforward. You do not speak in riddles, you do not expect H to be a mindreader about what you "really want." You accept that you made choices that got you where you are today (but of course, you couldn't have predicted the curveballs from H); no one did this to you.

Moreover, you remember the stuff about how women need caring but men need appreciation. You will do nothing that looks like pursuing him, in words or actions. You will be welcoming and friendly, but strong. You will validate what H says even if you disagree with it. If you disagree, your validation will be something like "I see that differently, but I acknowledge and accept how you see it."

Even if H starts off negative, DB your sweet behind off, Leahsue. He may need to see the validating version of you to second-guess himself. All of this will be easier if he says he wants to R, but even if he says the opposite, all is not lost. Remember DR. Re-read it. If he goes negative, your challenge is going to be whether you choose to take his words personally. He may want to pursue D if he's depressed, frightened, or has lost confidence in himself.

It's going to be okay and show emotion, Leah, but your H is a Nervous Nelly right now. He can't handle anything that resembles pressure, so even if you get emotional, remain strong and do not allow yourself to think of yourself as a victim, because then you're going to be tempted to lash out. Recognize that he's scared, too. He has shame and he doesn't know why he did what he did. He might be in simple-surface-level land where my H lives, where he crafts reality to fit his emotions. "If I did that, I must be unhappy with my life" versus "If I did that, I'm struggling with something and it might be inside me."

Does that help? I guess I'm going to be at that window saying a lot more than "STFU" because I know this is going to be so challenging for you. I recognize that and I feel for you. It's scary. I'm trying to prep you knowing your personal triggers and traps (we all have them!) to best set you up for what you want.

Your anxiety is going to be your challenge. I have gone to my doctor and I have a prescription for Lorazepam. It's this little pill that I can take when I'm struggling with my anxiety and it just tones everything down a bit. It lasts for 14 hours. And if I were in your shoes, I'd be taking one during H's visit, because that's a stressful situation. Maybe you could visit your doctor and see if you can get something similar? It's a controlled substance that you are only supposed to use occasionally (it is not meant to be taken daily), so they're not going to hand it out like candy. But perhaps it's worth a shot.

Hugs! You're going to do great. You're going to grow leaps and bounds, no matter what. (I can't believe I just said that to you, though, because my standard response when people say that to me is "I have enough character, thank you very much. I'm ready for happiness!")

Have you read others' stories, Leah? Recovery from an A is possible. Recovery from an MLC is possible. The common thing you'll see amongst the LBW who got the WH back is recovery of self-esteem, self-worth, and rock solid emotional strength. They are at a point where they have consistently treated themselves kindly and detached. If you find yourself getting anxious, it might be good to read through the threads of LBW who have survived it: BluWave above, Train, and Raine are a few off the top of my head. Narrow their posts to "topics created" and start at the beginning and read their journeys. It's really enlightening. They did not get to where they are without pain, facing fears, letting go, and the growth that comes with those things.

If you can't find someone's threads, the search function above works pretty good. You can also go to google and type in the username you're looking for and then a space and the following (without the quotes) "site:divorcebusting.com" That will tell google you want to find the user on this site.

Another idea is a DB coach. I had a session a few weeks ago when I didn't know where to turn. 50 minutes of a conversation specific to my situation and some tailored advice? Yes please. It's perhaps something that you'd like to invest in for yourself so you can be best prepared for the near future.

(P.S. What is it with heartbreak and birthdays? I recently faced a milestone one of my own. I was upset that I was on my own for it.)

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leahsue Offline OP
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I had such a good weekend surrounded by my kids and their spouses, then a great lunch today with my special 5 Yaya girlfriends, came home and had a gazillions posts from loved ones on FB, (I'm not a big FB fan except on birthdays!).
While I was at lunch I got a call from a florist saying they had delivered something but since I wasn't home, left it on my front porch. I DID NOT get my hopes up or have any expectations thanks to you guys. But when I drove up and saw it I knew it was from H. He knows how I feel about white roses, and there were 2 dozen, with a balloon and a box of chocolates. The card said, "Leah, I'm so sorry I can't be there. Love, H." I missed a call from him a few minutes ago, then he texted and said Happy birthday. I sent out 2 packages today with the stuff you needed.
I texted back and said OK. Thank you for the flowers.
I had truly decided over the weekend that I'm not going to invest any more emotion in this R. And when I saw the flowers, I honestly didn't feel anything at all. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. But whatever it is, I'm in a very good place today, and SO blessed to have such a wonderful support system during this chapter of my life, (and you guys go right there at the top of my gratitude list!)


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
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leahsue Offline OP
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I started to feel kind of bad about not showing more appreciation for the florist delivery today, then my S34 called and I told him that- He said MOM, HE SHOULD BE THANKFUL TO GET A THANK YOU AT ALL!

So funny how everyone has a different view of things. That's why I think it's good to not be afraid to share your real feelings with those you love and trust- otherwise, you don't get real honest feedback.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Joined: Mar 2017
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Happy birthday, Leah! I appreciate you so much. You're just a ray of sunshine - even when you're not wink

That's great about the flowers. It must have been a nice, or bittersweet, moment.

I am happy that you're not feeling much about them, because that's good for you at this stage. It would be easy for you to feel all squishy about getting them, and then start developing expectations.

You're sounding much more even and calm these days, Leah. I like it. I bet you like it, too!

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leahsue Offline OP
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PLEASE my friends on here, help me with these new emotions.

IDK if it was b/c of my birthday........ but beginning last night, and stronger this morning, I truly do not think I care what he does or doesn't do. Is that a bad or scary thing for me?

I JUST DON'T CARE. I know I can make a good life in front of me, that does not include him.

Since I didn't respond to his call or flower stuff yesterday, except to say "thank you", he will not contact me for a few days, or weeks. But what's scary to me, is that I DON'T CARE.

I want to love somebody, as a life companion, and have someone to enjoy what should be the best days of our lives..... but I'm suddenly wondering if it even needs to be HIM. I don't want to have to beg someone. And clearly he has other priorities right now.

I really think I may be free, from myself.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 275
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You've detached, Leah!

You've reached the point where you're not basing your emotional well being on what he is or isn't doing. And you know you're going to be okay no matter what happens.

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