It takes two to tango (Pt. 7)

[SBJ]

Hey skm…just haven’t felt like posting in a while. I have still read up on everyone’s lives, but haven’t had the need to write myself.

I just spent the weekend with 60 men on a men’s retreat and it was truly amazing to see men let go and let God. The Holy Spirit filled the aid all 4 days. It is always crazy cool. This was the 7th one of these that I attended, but this time I directed it.

While it was totally amazing, it was also totally draining. It took all day yesterday to recoup. I have spent the last 6 months working towards this retreat with a team of 37 men. It is awesome to see so many men want to serve others.

At some point this weekend, I saw my W and kids at church. When I walked by them I reached out to grab my youngest son’s hand. My W immediately reached out and grabbed mine then I was able to grab the boys. When I walked by again, I again reached for his hand and she did it again. WOW, what a mind-#^$%.

I spent all Sunday evening and all day Monday spinning. This morning I feel a little better. I don’t know what is going thru her mind, especially since she is still pushing me to sign the D papers. I’m totally confused to say the least.

I hope everyone else’s lives have been a bit less batchitcrazy. You were all in my prayers all weekend. I don’t care what religion or denomination or affiliation anyone is on here…if you are a LBS and have a prodigal spouse, you are in my prayers and I know that God is a God of healing and reconciliation.

And looking at them Jesus said to them, “With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

[roist]

Was she stopping you making contact with S or was she making contact with you? Put it down to being a curious moment and don't dwell on it.

Glad your weekend and the work you did preparing it was fulfilling.GGood on you.

How is preparation going for your tough mudder?

[SBJ]

roist...she grabbed my hand to simply grab my hand.

TOUGH MUDDER:

The training is slow...almost done healing from a broken big toe. My stupidity caused it, so I will have to push for the next 6 months to get into tip top shape. Should be good for my mind, body and soul.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>
JOURNALING:

Just received an email from her telling me that usual stuff that a woman that has moved on will say. It was basically much of the same MLC speak, but this time she threw in the whole part that she is releasing me to find the love and passion that we both deserve.

She said that she couldn't come back to make me and our family happy since she would still be unhappy. Saying that I was a great husband and a great dad, but...she needs passion.

She also said that other than our children, that I am the only one that will still speak to her...she has shut out her family and of course my family, and is amazed that they don't really want to talk to her or have anything to do with her.

I have been told, from semi-unreliable sources, that she is still talking to the OM. My W is an incredibly smart woman, but is susceptible to being talked into something. She was brainwashed my a MLM when we were younger and now she has been conned by this OM (ex-con/recovered addict). He is a total BS artist. I know that as long as she is doing that that she will be in that giddy/euphoric state. She says that she has prayed alot about it all and how she knows how hurt I am, but she has to go thru with the D.

I just came off of an incredible High and seem to be body slammed back to reality. All that is lacking is my signature on the D paperwork. I have some friends telling me to stall and put in "morality clauses" and see if there is something that I could write in about an ex-con being in my kids lives. Then I have others that say to just pull the trigger and sign. Then I have family just wanting the chaos to be over.

Is the answer just to sign and continue standing?
Do I stop fighting for her since she seems to be gone for good?

I guess I was still hoping for her to turn back around before I had to sign on the dotted line. After this past weekend, I am spiritually and emotionally spent and then get this. WOW!

[peacetoday]

make sure your kids are safe, but they are old enough to tell you

I put all kinds of clauses in our D-to protect kids
none of them were ever needed in my case

sometimes when we let go of control we then get control


not sure how that works
but when we have covered every angle ,and there isn't much else to do and all arrows lead one way--we got to take the leap
not just in MLC but in everything
I know how hard it is to let them go..
sounds like your life is heading in the right direction and from your W actions, she remains confused and still cares about you but MLC will have to pull her out to sea for a while..she may regret it as most MLCers seem to regret their choices but that will take time

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

I have fought this one for some time ... however I never tried to delay it. All 3 mediation attempts I was at every meeting early (She cancelled or set new dates constantly). When she did finally file with the courts I was served Sept16, first court date Feb17 I was there and very cordial with her lawyer whom sat with me after. Next date is Aug17 I have yet to hear anything, maybe it happens, maybe a delay who knows but I will be there.

The one thing I know is the MLCr has this fantasy in their head of how amazing life will be .... the LBS is roadblock #1, I feel my MLCr very well needs D to get through the tunnel ... I feel many really do to hit rock bottom TBH.

My Advice:
What you have to think about is the long term game. FEAR is what keeps us stuck. Think about it, you want something so bad because you are terrified of the life unknown. She will do as she will do, you have kids here to think about and whats best for them .... if your W can process through this crisis and come out the other side and return to be a good mom the kids win.
If during this time you can also change and become a better dad (I know I did as a result of this) its also a win for the kids.

Bottom line you have to become the best version of yourself that you can be

For me .... I had to give my M and my future to God. There was no other choice as I realized I was completely out of my league here and had zero control. When we struggle in quicksand we simply drown faster. Again ... FEAR. Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I truly believe He is in control of this. She needs to go through her journey alone just as you have had to do the same. No guarantee if your paths or any of ours here end up at the same point later or not ... but I do know we would not learn the lessons needed to be learned if we knew how the movie ends.

Focus on the mirror work.

[Gordie]

SBJ,

Good to hear from you and congratulations on the retreat. You put a lot into it and many men were touched. That is an awesome contribution to your community.

I feel your pain and I get the spinning. The physical touch, the semi kind words, the still pushing for d. What makes you hesitant to sign the papers? Do you disagree with the settlement? Do you think resisting will make your w change her mind? Is this your boundary, legal divorce, or is it just a piece of paper?

FWIW, at least your w is still going to church. We can't mind read and certainly can't soul read. Who knows what is happening in her heart.

I hope you and the kids are enjoying the summer days.

Gordie

[AndrewP]

Do I stop fighting for her since she seems to be gone for good?

SBJ - This ^^^^ was one of my own biggest struggles. I think that you and I have some similarities because we both come from a place of Duty and if I could be so bold, Pride.

I had a major mind shift quite a number of months ago which was perhaps easier for me because there was a very obvious OM involved. Give it some thought please. What ARE you fighting for? Are you fighting for something that doesn't exist any more? Are you just fighting for a dream? I don't mean to get you down, but give some thought and prayer to shape around your own motives. I strongly respect anyone who is willing to fight for a dream. I have read the story of Don Quixote and am a great admirer of that character. He did not fight to keep his Dulcinea, nor to shape her path, but rather he fought because she was worthy of having his service. Yes - my analogies are pretty crappy some times. And yes - reading Don Quixote is not for the impatient nor the faint of heart. It took me 3 years and I am still grateful that I did it.

I wrote my monthly letter to my children a couple of days ago where I commented that I hoped that their mother was happy. That is what I want for her. That is what love IS to me.

Blessings.

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{SBJ}}}}}}}
Sometimes the best way to fight for someone is to let them go with love and fierce compassion.

Make sure you've put everything in writing to protect the kids.

Trust in God.

Drop the rope, as Kml says, or be dragged.

In my case, I knew that the only way my husband would ever stop projecting all his MLC nonsense onto me was if I wasn't there. When you point fingers at the mirror but then the mirror disappears and you're left standing all by yourself, you have no more excuses for why you're miserable.

Pray, then sign the papers and trust that God has you both in the palm of His hand. xoxoxo

[SBJ]

Thank you all for your care, support and advice. Fear is a bugger.

[skm0619]

SBJ.....it makes me sad to read your posts. Mostly because we all know that you are such a wonderful guy, and you care tremendously for your family. Unfortunately your W still only cares about herself. We, the LBS, will NEVER understand how or why they can be so selfish.

I remember a conversation that H and I had not too long ago. He said, "there was a period of time during this separation that I didn't think about you at all or how the decisions I was making would affect you." That was very hard to hear, but it was the truth. Your W isn't capable of thinking about anyone but herself right now, and sadly, nothing that you say or do is going to change that.

I have no idea what it feels like to have someone who is pushing for D papers to be signed. I'm sorry that you are in that position.

I wish I could say something to make it better