Advice appreciated

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: sandi2
I'm not sure if you are a meek and gentle man who compromises his boundaries.........or if you have a mistaken concept about DBing. Your W spends time with you on certain days and time with the OM on certain days. It's almost like a visitation schedule between you and the OM. Do you believe your W will be genuinely attracted to a H who is willing to share her with another man b/c he fears losing her? That must be a killer on your dignity.

It is. But I also understand polyamory and I also understand needing to feel not controlled. Even though I didn't try to control her I can see I did. But just to clarify she has maybe seen him five times in total and they had sex twice. I know that's true since the messages indicate when I was gone they only met once and since she doesn't drive and we work at the same place that she doesn't see him a lot. They do text a lot but he works weird hours and I did see their messages are mostly about jokes. It wasn't just sexting although it took up a greater role lately. But I haven't seen any messages since early last w.

These are just my thoughts. I have seen the subject of "control" brought into almost every initial thread of newcomers. Some H's are guilty of trying to control his W. Perhaps they confuse leadership and headship of their family unit, to mean controlling. Traditionally, the H is the protector, provider, and leader over his family. Along with that position comes a tremendous amount of responsibility. I can see how the man would need to feel in control, when facing this grave responsibility.

Some H's who are shell shocked when they arrive to the board, have difficulty implementing the information they receive, and maintain a sense of balance. In other words, he decides EVERYTHING has resulted from him being controlling. In truth, that's not always the case. But then that H will be so concerned about not being blamed as controlling, that he becomes extremely passive. And if he was guilty of controlling, he has exchanged one bad trait for another one that's just as unattractive. So, know yourself and see the truth from a balanced viewpoint. Do not resort to supplication to win the heart of your W. Not faulse pride, but a show of self respect is crucial for the H who wears your shoes.

I was hoping that by not forcing her NC she would recognize it was challenging to me and not pursue OM. But detaching and GAL seem so risky especially when there is someone else that delivers some of what she needs (emotional support, sex - last time two or three weeks ago with him). Like, I know I need to stop pursuing her but it just nags at me because that is exactly what I have been doing all these years. And then when she does want to hang out I now constantly wonder is she doing this just to get me off her back and then she can go back to OM. That is an unhealthy thought and I cannot control HER actions but it makes leaving the house seem like a risky choice. Especially when one text message showed when I was getting her food she was just chatting away with him and that was a day before I found out what was happening.

I don't know how to convince you that your W probably does not have the same mindset as she had the day you M her.........unless, she veiled her true self from the beginning. Therefore, the response she may have had in the initial years of the MR, will not necessarily be her current response..........b/c her mindset has turned away from who she was... and has now become foreign.

I understand how you see a risk and can fear bad results. Would I be wrong to suggest most of the fear is due to how you feel uncomfortable in acquiring new attitudes & behavior that reflect male confidence that stands on your values and principles..........and therfore, you see less risk in adapting to a more comfortable approach, howbeit, with a weaker and lesser desired option?

And I decided to just nod and say well he is being a friend to you.

Take this as a warning. Do not paint a sweet picture of OM's relationship with your W. She is a M woman and he is a predator. If he was a man of honor, he would immediately sever this so-called "friendship". However, infidelity has no honor! You need to refer to the affair by the correct name. Don't try to give it a cleaner name or description. They have committed adultery. She continues to give him access, while she plays her mind games with her H. The OM is not a friend to the union of holy matrimony. Do not be the counselor for your W's indiscretation. Do not comfort her feelings for another man. It lowers the chance of admiration and attraction for her H.

Identify your enemy, and never trust it, nor compromise with it. Do not allow it to visit your camp, and spread propaganda. Never speak favorably of the enemy to your troops, for this causes confusion and division of loyalty. You must not have comradery with what would greedily devour everything you hold dear to your heart. If you give leeway and/or adapt to the appetite of your enemy.....that which you cherish will inevitibility decay and collapse. Never underestimate its power to enslave and destroy. Understand? When the enemy invades, you either advance or retreat to higher ground..........but never surrender to the enemy!

[Tobias]

I think my fear is mostly that whenever I am firm she showed anger and whenever I retreat she showed concern.

But I know I need to stop validating OM and what role he plays. You are right in saying he should have retreated. And I am trying to figure out if he tried to and she wouldn't let him or other way around. Especially since he is still living with his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him. (in fact she is living rent free apparently.)

My other fear is not knowing for 100% if she is being genuine. So we are going through counseling, we are both acknowledging flaws, but is she really interested in making it work? If so, then why the reluctance to stop talking to OM?

That her mindset is different from the day we met is something I realized a month and a half ago. But with that comes the fear as to what is the point of trying to fix it if she isn't yet willing to stop talking to him. And maybe she has stopped talking after the counselor. Maybe her saying she wasn't ready to do that made her feel sad and guilty and she is now in inner turmoil. So by giving her space and letting her work through things I hope she comes to the realization what needs to happen. Maybe I need to wait until at least the second counseling session next Wednesday.

Her recognizing that yesterday when she was about to be late for an appointment and her blaming me for that and me resisting the urge to fight and confront her about that but simply saying "that's not very nice" led her to apologize later at night and saying to me how she fell into old habits and how she took me for granted during that moment. Maybe that made her realize she needs to stop talking to OM or maybe she brought it up and he said something. Or maybe she doesn't know who she wants to focus on.

And all of that is further complicated by the fact how we both haven't slept well and how the weather is giving her major migraines. And how because of OM's hours he doesn't usually talk to her until midnight or 1am and him telling her she needs to go to sleep. All of this is happening at the same time when she has this inner turmoil about not being in love anymore, that she tried for a decade and now suddenly I seem to be finally getting it.

Do I need to be careful? Absolutely. But do I also need to give her some space to figure things out especially since we ARE going to MC? Probably.

Now do I need to stop validating OM? Yes, I have been way too positive about it. But I also just don't know to say how I feel about it without it getting to a fight....

[sandi2]

I think my fear is mostly that whenever I am firm she showed anger and whenever I retreat she showed concern.

I am curious about your personality type. Can you describe how you projected firmness to her?

My other fear is not knowing for 100% if she is being genuine. So we are going through counseling, we are both acknowledging flaws, but is she really interested in making it work? If so, then why the reluctance to stop talking to OM?

Many WW's want the best of both worlds. She wants to keep her H as her BFF, plus she wants to keep her OM. She gets the benefits of being in a M to you.......and she gets the thrill of an affair on the side. Currently, it appears she is not ready to end the affair. If you google affair addiction, it can explain it much better. When your W has not had contact with OM in a day or so.........she may get cranky, or other negative symptoms. On the way home from the counselor, she probably had the desire to talk to the OM, even then. She gets a "high" from contacting the OM, and that is why she is reluctant to stop.

But with that comes the fear as to what is the point of trying to fix it if she isn't yet willing to stop talking to him.

Well, if she was committed to working on the MR, and with that commitment she stopped the affair in its tracks..........the MC would certainly be more effective. Currently, your W may not be ready to get a divorce, but neither is wanting to end her A. The M can be saved, but it may mean that you have to emotionally let her go.

And all of that is further complicated by the fact how we both haven't slept well and how the weather is giving her major migraines. And how because of OM's hours he doesn't usually talk to her until midnight or 1am and him telling her she needs to go to sleep. All of this is happening at the same time when she has this inner turmoil about not being in love anymore, that she tried for a decade and now suddenly I seem to be finally getting it.

Is she talking to OM as she is lying in bed with you? Just wondered how you knew what he was saying to her.

I also just don't know to say how I feel about it without it getting to a fight....

We can work with you on what to say and do. For now, I think it is extremely important that you get out of the house and find things to do that you enjoy. Get a life without her involvement. Give her space from you........and try not to look heart broken as you do it. Take care of yourself, and let her take care of herself. Do not try to rescue her.

[Tobias]

sandi2: I probably am not firm but essentially I told her that if she continues to talk to him that she isn't giving saving the M a full chance. She said she isn't going to distance herself from the one person she knows here.

But I realized finally the true value of what I have read here so often: don't snoop. When I gave her space and privacy she did all of this. Now when I give her privacy I worry she is continuing it. I didn't know for sure what was going on until I started looking for answers. And what I found out devastated me. When I knew her best friend (a counselor) also knew about it and basically seemed to say that if she has set up her boundaries that she is free to do whatever she wants. That made me very upset as I trusted that person. On friday she spoke on the phone to that person and when I walked to the kitchen to grab some water I heard her talk about us and I lost it. I was basically looking for any confirmation she couldn't be trusted and of course with that approach I will only find confirmation.

So yes, I need to stop trying to push her.

The thing is her actions have been more positive when she realized just how devastated I was to find out about OM and about my inner turmoil between giving her space and not being sure what she is doing what that space. Yesterday when I was so worried I had undone all the positives she actually comforted me and said we are making great progress but that she hasn't had a whole lot of time to herself. She does have a ton of appointments and people she has to see (and as an introvert she DEFINITELY needs alone time after that...in the past I couldn't really handle that but now that I am aware of it...I shouldn't need to question what she is doing with that alone time). She texted later that she is sorry things got so heated and that it is probably because we were hungry on Friday night and instead of eating first she spoke on the phone for three-four hours...with a brief interruption by me and how we both exhausted. When she came home she said we are making great progress but we have to take baby steps. Her actions confirmed those words.

But. There are two options: either she is deceitful and if that is the case why waste my time trying to find evidence for that. Or she is in a lot of inner turmoil herself and by not giving her space I ruin every chance she feels safe around me. I know I keep saying I need to do that but I need to find ways to silence those devil voices in my head. So yes, getting out of the home, focusing on myself is important but in doing so I need to actually do something or else those voices come in.

I will bring this up to our second counseling session. This whole incident opened up demons from my past (I had zero friends, was extremely bullied, never trusted people could like me let alone the idea that I would ever be able to date a woman--> my W came along and this past decade I finally got really over some of those insecurities so when she cheated on me and lied about it I was transferred back to that little teenage boy). I told W that a lot of that is on me and how it is not her responsibility to always account for what she is doing but that progress isn't linear..sometimes unfortunately after a step forward there are set backs.

She also said she was dreading the weekend...because the past weekends things have gotten emotional. First I uncovered the affair, then the next weekend she saw him (for the most recent time), the week after she felt sick and depressed and it was when we made the counseling appointment after I told her that I want to trust her but that I am very worried about what she does with that. Then this weekend the plan on Friday was because it was raining to watch some Netflix and order pizza. When she told me she needed to call her friend I was initially okay but I started talking myself on the ledge.

So my goal this week is to be aware and extra conscious about HER fears and worries about the weekend because I noticed she seemed anxious and I saw it as deceit and dishonesty rather than a legitimate worry on her part.

It's just confusing. I feel our situation is sort of fitting a lot of typical situations but they are more nuanced and complex. She IS making an effort to be more healthier in her interactions with me but in doing so she is taking time away from her own healing. She is showing more physical affection and she is more conscious about her words towards me. I just need to INTERNALIZE and act more consistently on only exchanging positive emotions. But often it is her who tries to address the issues in the M and I try to not get too deep with that but it has been a way for us to recognize each other's needs.

===
Oh sandi2 also asked about how I know what OM says. No she has been in her own bedroom for months (I kind of move a lot while sleeping and steal blankets and sometimes kick her... we need a king bed) But she has been saying that when I say I worry about her being up late and needing rest she says funny you say that because OM says those things too. She might be lying but like I said I almost feel as if they truly have more of a friendship that just got increasingly more serious.

Her counselor friend (not the one we are seeing BTW) said that she knows couples who always struggle around each seven year mark and I had been reading that. I just wish I would have been less threatened...because even back in March W asked to go to counseling and I kind of was meh about it. That would have avoided OM and it would have made getting back on track easier. But she recognizes she betrayed me and I recognize that our problems predate OM. Before Friday I wasn't sure if she saw that first part as she mentioned the second part.

[Coconut]

It's just confusing. I feel our situation is sort of fitting a lot of typical situations but they are more nuanced and complex.

My thought, your situation is following the script. It may seem more complex because you are trying to cheat the process; it's pretty consistently understood that you CANNOT work on the M while there is OM. Things are complex because you are trying to work on the M before the A is over or before either of you have worked on yourselves.

ps - I did the same thing, tried to work on my M while my WW was still in contact with OM. I snooped to find out if there was contact, every thing I found my W had a lie for, and I kept trying to work on the MR. It doesn't work. If I had to do my sitch again, I would have walked out the day I saw the texts, not said a word to her, just walked out the door and waited a couple of months before any contact. that way I could of let her do her journey without me having to see it, you can't stop the journey and I wasn't strong enough to deal with the thought of them together.

In your case, I think that's extreme, but I think you need to make a clear boundary of no open M, go dark and only interact by validating and being pleasant, and go find your own happiness.

[Tobias]

You may be right. In this case my W convinced herself that somehow she can just be friends with OM. She wants to talk about him and then I walk away and she then wonders why I walk away.

I really wish she had more friends here that she can hang out with. He truly is the ONLY person that doesn't know me and who she can hang out with.

But I need to quit wasting my energy. Either she is deceitful and there is no point in wasting energy OR she is trying and my actions make it harder for her. It's just really hard when she talks about at some point probably hanging out with OM. She frames it as friends and I want to believe that but I just don't see how this makes sense at all.

[sandi2]

If I had to do my sitch again, I would have walked out the day I saw the texts, not said a word to her, just walked out the door and waited a couple of months before any contact. that way I could of let her do her journey without me having to see it, you can't stop the journey and I wasn't strong enough to deal with the thought of them together.

There have been WW's to come to the board saying that's exactly what their H did.......and it was him immediately walking out on her that had her in tears and begging for help from the forum, b/c it yanked her out of the fog or fantasy (whatever you want to call it) and she became the LBW.

Personally, I agree with Coconut, and believe that action would be very effective in most cases with a WW. The problem is trying to convince the newcomers. First, they won't do it, and they have a zillion excuses for not walking away. (It all boils down to fear). The majority of LBH's in newcomers fit the descrription of the NGS......and nice-guys just don't work that way. Second, I'm sure hands would be smacked if that became routine advice on a M saving forum.

IMHO, the effectiveness comes in walking away immediately upon learning about the OM. That's why dropping the rope works so well. However, by the time a lot of guys come to the board, they have been in their stitch for weeks/months. When the H waits around trying to do this & that, she knows he's not going anywhere anytime soon. So, she continues to play him.

[Tobias]

So we had our second MC session and it was rough because we addressed the big elephant in the room that she feels unsafe and I feel like her interactions with OM feels like an invader.

The counselor basically encouraged both of us to start thinking about "I" rather than "the marriage". Basically she reinforced what is discussed in the DR book. I am relieved W is now exposed to this approach to basically translate unhealthy thoughts, emotions, behavior to healthier expressions. It turns out W has her own fears just like I did but it will be interesting to see if we both start exchanging this type of language.

Counselor was emphatic to W but called out that the depression is way deeper than the M.

My goal (which I know will be challenged but I am going to have to be resilient) is to not add any emotional turmoil until we see the counselor again on Monday. If successful it will have broken the chain of subsequent weekends where something happens. Anytime OM is brought up I get unhealthy thoughts. Any other situation I am easily able to validate, nod, and just relax.

W also seems worried that if she asks me to go to dinner that I think everything is fixed. Despite me telling her this will take a long time and that no I won't see it as fixed. But what IS true: anytime she takes a step closer she takes two steps back. Now that I know her fear and now that SHE knows a way to possibly break that cycle perhaps we can all relax.

W. did implement the technique after we got home.

It's amazing. We never set our M up right and I think that has made her to think that despite being together for almost a decade and having quite a lot of good times as well that she thinks we are just not compatible at all. I am stubborn enough to think that I would like to try being a better person and as such having a much better situation.

But sandi2: she mentioned to the counselor how early on she wasn't sure but kept hearing her friends say he is a nice guy. That I was like a father figure. She did grow from someone who thought she had agoraphobia to now someone who wants to explore. So you are pretty spot on. BUT the depression is also a major factor. And the counselor said she doesn't think it's the marriage but that it goes way deeper into her past.

Anyway. Baby steps and I need to stick to not having emotional turmoil even IF she is talking to OM. Hopefully, she now realizes on her own how that is not helping matters.

[Tobias]

Last night we had our third session (yes a bit early but we are going on a trip, W is first going somewhere alone and later we meet up in a place she would love to do her PhD in).

I have done a mediocre job in GAL (mostly due to the fact W doesn't drive and we work at same place and so our lives intersect and interconnect quite a bit). With OM still in the picture not anymore (at this stage at least) as a PA but I suspect still an EA (although W says it is mostly jokes and she has shown me a few texts here and there that indicate that is the case).

We are entering what seems to be the end of two months of me recognizing I might actually lose her and so my sleeping has been tricky. She is exhausted as well. So that increases the chances for emotional meltdowns (on both our parts). For the most part I have detached and done 180s except for when OM is mentioned (W. says she realizes she messed up (she used a different word but I want to respect the moderators here), she also wants to be honest even though she realizes it might be painful for me).

The MC has been a life saver. While I still need to work on myself and not talk myself on the ledge the MC has essentially calmed my anxiety down by highlighting things I tried tell W. Ironically, in the car ride back my W said "she says things that I have been trying to tell you which is a great relief to me" and I laughed and said "funny you say that, because I feel like she is saying things I have been trying to tell YOU". Which shows that a fundamental issue between us is interpretation of words. I didn't disclose that here yet but I am originally not from the US.

Last week we were told to focus on healthy versus unhealthy thoughts, emotions and behaviors. As I mentioned last week W. immediately implemented it, that gave me hope and patience. However, friday morning came around and I knew she would be anxious for the weekend. She then went on to say that she had told OM vaguely that maybe they would go get drinks later that night. I felt that was gas lighting on her part and I initially detached and later decided I needed to express how I felt to avoid something greater down the road. Initially I wanted to see if she would actually go but that to me seemed like a more potentially explosive scenario.

Something that gave me hope happened. She initially was hesitant but then proceeded to discuss this using the language of healthy and unhealthy and told me that she came up with a rule not to hang out with OM if we had a bad night or if we weren't in a good place. I told her I want to trust her that it is just friendship with OM but that I would be much happier if she went for drinks with ANY other friend (male or female). She understands that. She also expressed initial reluctance in counselor bringing up her depression but she realizes it plays a bigger role than she gave it credit for. That gave me an opportunity to validate her concerns about my behavior the past decade and I said that I am relieved she recognizes that and that one of my biggest regrets was not recognizing my own role in our problems and essentially blaming everyone on HER depression which led to isolation and anger. I know the technique by MWD calls for not going beyond my own role and I am sticking to that probably 80% of the time but my W has expressed fear and she sees that as me rather than the connection to OM. I do think she slowly is beginning to to connect the dots and of course it's my own fault for being wayyyyyy too accommodating once I found out about OM.

But in MC we were asked to report on the healthy/unhealthy behaviors and I reported on our Friday situation that was a huge fire being gas lit and it actually slowly dying out. W nodded and MC asked W if she agreed. So then the MC asked about the emotion with the communication (which was labeled as thoughts). W said "regret, but that isn't an emotion so she went with frustration" MC asked why: "it just feels like too little too late". MC asked me. I said I kind of agree with W about frustration and me recognizing I should have done this sooner but that I am also hopeful that we are finally communicating (honestly, we have talked more about real things in the past few weeks than in an entire decade) but that I have also felt exhausted. Which W. said as well. W. was then asked for the behavior associated with it and she said the communication and not leading to a huge fight gave her rest. MC then said you know what is so great about what you both just said? W was confused and was looking at words like frustration and exhaustion. MC said you are FINALLY on the same page. Even though it doesn't feel like that, you both have the same emotion. That is an important stepping stone and both of you need to continue looking at your individual contributions: "what am I contributing to this relationship...not marriage...but relationship" which of course was what I was familiar with so I validate a lot (especially when it's legitimately true what W says) and the MC seems to appreciate that. W. also nods a lot for the things I say. MC was going to express something that seemed to be about our future potential but then caught herself and said no, what I think isn't important. She said... you two in three weeks have done a lot of positives and I have never seen any couple get there THIS quickly. She said she cannot guarantee the end result (mostly because of course W feels pressured and doesn't know where she stands) but that if we continue the focus on individual contributions that whatever the outcome is we will both be in great mental places.

Because we had the trip planned and we won't be able to see MC next week she had us write down up to five things we would both do on this trip for ourselves. I was already planning to not expect anything romantic and basically letting W rest and maybe do fun things exploring the city but this activity helped us get on the same page. MC encouraged both of us to release something that is holding us back (not necessarily about our relationship but something that affected us).

When we came home. We both went to sleep early. But we both woke up around midnight. We spend some time together and W started kissing me. She wanted more but I told her I have been so exhausted these past few months that I don't know how much is possible. We cuddled a bit. But this is when I realized why I also need to focus on GAL and getting rest. It's started to affect my overall health and of course that decreases the chances of me being someone I can feel good about.

So two months in and about a month since I discovered about OM. My progress was greatly halted and undone after I discovered about OM. My fear to lose her made me want to accommodate her keeping OM in her life. Partially that is because of my guilt that she feels trapped and has lost close friends who either live out of state or moved away from us.

But W. is going to MC, she validates my worth, she has been honest about how she is interacting with OM and how she is just not sure how she feels about a future together (unless of course she is telling OM all sorts of other things but I highly doubt that). She does every now and then talk about possible things in the future but then catches herself and it is clear now that she is afraid that doing so makes me think everything is ok. Perhaps that fear has SOME merit but I do realize this is a marathon.

My commitment to GAL and detaching needs to continue. W. does recognize I am giving her space and that space makes her want to hang out with me. There are just a few moments where I need to control my emotions better. W said last week: best way for me to open up to you is through patience.

Things I need to do better (I am typing it out because it holds me more accountable) is not reaching out to her. She WILL come to me... she has shown that. Did I have doubts about her sincerity? Yes. Did I worry me not expressing how I really feel about her and OM? Yes. But if we have a future together I need to give her space. Especially now that she recognizes just how complicated her own actions have been. But the "nice" thing about that is that when W points out she messed up and apologizes for that it gives me an opportunity to validate her by saying thanks for that apology and I appreciate that but I also want you to know that I recognize the problems started way before OM.

TL;DR (sorry I am not succinct but I also type these long posts as being cathartic for me so I can let go off these thoughts and focus) IF and WHEN I actually GAL and detach it will likely increase the time W wants to spend with me. It will show her that I can be a stable person she would want to be with. And by me moving beyond the past, she has an opportunity to do the same. It may not work out, but we won't get to a better state until we both let go off the past. I will say that either I am really stubborn or I have fallen even more in love with W. (or a combination).

[Tobias]

So we came back from our trip and for the most part it was nice. W. showed a lot of intimacy and spoke about me applying for jobs there. But she also still texts OM. I confronted her about that and she acts defensive and says they are just friends and how I am blackmailing her if I want her to go NC because (I assume) she doesn't know what will happen between us.

This is the only thing I confront her about because to me the OM needs to be out of the picture. I know I wrote something else in the past on here but it has been rough. I feel like giving her space makes it hard when I know OM is still in the picture. And it may not be a PA at this stage anymore but it sure feels like an EA. W even said he isn't a bad person when I mentioned that my initial reaction was more based on my expectation that OM would just leave us the [insert cuss word] alone after he knew I knew.

The trip was nice and it does confirm that we need to be in a different place. Not that moving will fix everything but it might help offer a fresh start. The problem is we cannot think and talk about that until we have figured things out. So I don't know what to trust from my W. when she gives me compliments and talks about feeling empowered thinking about us in a different place...but also saying that she doesn't feel in love with me again. She did acknowledge for the first time that bringing OM to our home was disrespectful. Her actions towards me are mostly warm but there are moments when she lashes out. She says she is scared and it is very clear she thinks my changes are temporary and that it feels too little too late. TLTL should be an abbreviation on here haha!

She said she cannot work on herself and be a whole person when she is worried about how I will feel and react. I told her that I can give her space but that knowing that OM is still in the picture makes it harder...and that I don't think either one of us can be a whole person until OM is out of the picture. She has also mentioned that while she loved being with me on this trip that she needs space and thinks she needs to move out.

So why did I lose my cool? Well our MC told us it was good she wanted to mediate in a natural park where we would go to. I told her during the session that I wanted to do that myself. Right in the middle of the hike a mutual friend who had JUST moved to the area texted her and when she said that I saw she had texted OM. Earlier on the trip his name was nowhere to be found. I get it. I shouldn't snoop but I felt so disrespected at that moment that on this hike where it should be about us independently W decided to text OM. And of course it wasn't snooping as so much I saw her phone when she spoke to me. She said it was just to wish him happy 4th. After that we did not stay distant long... she spoke about not having bad thoughts of another trip. She did reach out to me and comforted me.

The next day before we left she once again spoke about my plans to apply to a job and encouraged me to do so. She says she is uncertain about the future. I told her so am I. She mentioned how she feels we are sexually compatible and how that is nice. She thinks I am attractive. I just don't know if her saying the scenery being different might make everything a lot easier is sincere or not.

She is making an effort I just don't know why she is so reluctant to not talk to OM. I assume it is because she wants a fall back option for when things don't work out but she wants to leave the state in a year and OM wouldn't be in the picture.

I don't want to think it all falls back to money concerns and her feeling her image would be tarnished.

This morning I dropped W off at work as I needed to head back to the house to wait for the AC maintenance. When I dropped her off I mentioned how maybe I would be back in time for her lunch and after I said that she said how she needs to study for her GRE test (to get into the PhD program) and cannot become a whole person if she worries how I feel etc. So that is when I mentioned how I said I don't think either one of us can be whole with OM in the picture. She called that blackmail. Later she did text me saying she hates that we fought and the conversations turned back to more neutral tone. But I just have a hard time trusting her. If she moves out I worry that fear will only increase. She would also not be able to see me and I worry that will make it even more likely she is gone.

My plan right now is that our fourth session is tomorrow (THANK GOD our MC encouraged us to come in tomorrow instead of waiting longer.) and I will bring up that I just cannot get past the fact that OM is still in the picture. Maybe the MC can then say we should either just call it quits or encourage W to really think about that.