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PLEASE

I hope you took in the post from Another Stander and really really ponder it b/c you are getting feedback and I'm not sure you are taking it in. You need to read his post to you again, please.

This approach only works when you apply it.


Originally Posted By: Stunned
So the W just stopped by to get some of her outside stuff, I kept myself busy doing other stuff we talked a lil at the end.


Did you feel like you had to be there? I'm not arguing for or against, but asking.

Also Were you doing anything new or different or a 180? B/c if you are going to be exposed to her, then at least make it an opportunity to demonstrate change in you. Mystery or upbeat new hobby, new cologne and clothing, but something different...you want her to second guess her choices

NOT b/c of things you say...b/c that will backfire.


She made the comment "thanks for letting me stop by" kinda like she was bitter that I asked her to start letting me know when she comes by for now on.


I'm Not sure you are correct here^^. It's mind reading. Why not ask her what she meant, next time? Not confrontationally but b/c you are not clear on how she feels about it.




I said to her it's not like that you're always welcomed I just really appreciate it if you just let me know for now on is all.


Why not say, in an upbeat peaceful way "Yes I want to know when someone's going to be in the house, especially since I'm out so much. But as long as I have notice, there's no problem..." cool

Then change the subject and move along.


It makes me feel bad now that I made that boundary with her but it's the first thing I've done this whole process that's not on her terms so I don't thinj she likes that.




Why not be a mysterious busy guy who is GAL, who simply needs a little notice about someone entering the house?

I'm not saying to point out that it's YOUR house((!) b/c that can sound obnoxious and she knows it anyhow. ( IF IF she's bugged about asking permission to enter, my guess is it would be that, ad not the boundary per se. Just the fact that it's all in your name).

Anyhow, you freaking live there.

Even if you were both tenants, I'd say this to the person still living there. Tell the visiting spouse you need notice for safety reasons, among others.

As for you saying it 'made you feel bad", that's b/c of the story you are telling yourself.

It's nothing she said or did that is new.
It's how you chose to interpret a comment she made.

Detach buddy, a whole lot more.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

I just read your post again and missed this - -


she got her outside stuff.

So, why were you there outside around her, while she picked up her stuff?

Am I understanding this^^ accurately?

So, hmm, do you have a lot of your own things outdoors next to hers? Is it all safely attached/secured?

And now I'm curious , why would you need notice from her to get something of hers, that is outside?


IF i'm getting this vision accurately, it's really coming across differently.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 151
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
PS

I just read your post again and missed this - -


she got her outside stuff.

So, why were you there outside around her, while she picked up her stuff?

Am I understanding this^^ accurately?

So, hmm, do you have a lot of your own things outdoors next to hers? Is it all safely attached/secured?

And now I'm curious , why would you need notice from her to get something of hers, that is outside?


IF i'm getting this vision accurately, it's really coming across differently.


I wasn't outside beside her, I was building frames for some canvas album cover art work I bought and was putting up out in the garage. I was only near her for the first minute when she stopped by then she went down to the carport moved her stuff and I continued to build my frames and hang my art work. The only time I approached her was to inform her where I saw a snake the other day and to be careful. After that I cont to do my thing I inside the house hanging my art. I made sure to stay away. At the end she came inside cause I had a pile of some misc things on the kitchen table and that's when we talked for a min or two. The conversation last week about telling me before she came over had nothing to do with this day, it was a general comment for whenever she comes over and wants to come inside. She came inside and saw them hanging up and said it looked good, I said thanks and that I was trying out my interior decorating skills but her skills are much better (me trying to show words of affirmation)

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Oh boy. Well I get the sense that you are making excuses to be around her. "She's outside doing stuff so I will putter around working on projects outside." "Oh, I better go warn her about that snake I saw the other day (that is probably in another county by now)." "She's going inside, I think I'll follow her in just in case she needs something." DETACH. To 25's point, why were you there AT ALL. GAL means "get out" and do something. If you know she's coming over, then get dressed up and go do something. Maybe be pulling out of the drive as she's pulling in and wave to her and drive off. Make her wonder what you're up to.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I've probably pushed her so far away that there's no chance of her coming back, I HAVE to get my stupid emotions in check. I can't keep doing this if I ever want her to think about recon. I'll be out of country all next week so that should be a good start since I can't contact her if I even wanted to but this had to stop and insist wise up and listen to you guys. It's 7 weeks today that she left so maybe I can correct the shop if I can stick with it

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So just and observation when my W moved her stuff out she took ALL the pics of US even every single M photo. Idk why but that seems odd to me and I could view as a good thing cause she wants to keep them but now sure why? But she didn't take any M gift that had our anniversary date on it like a few glasses and a cutting board so maybe she wants the pics but not the M date? Again I'm over analyzing things I guess. Over all today I feel like I'm more determined than ever to truly GAL more and to focus on my 180s to just overall better myself cause that's the only person I can change.

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Originally Posted By: Stunned
So just and observation when my W moved her stuff out she took ALL the pics of US even every single M photo. Idk why but that seems odd to me and I could view as a good thing cause she wants to keep them but now sure why?

did you want any? If so, please ask her to make you a copy. Do not ask her why she took all of them.


But she didn't take any M gift that had our anniversary date on it like a few glasses and a cutting board so maybe she wants the pics but not the M date? Again I'm over analyzing things I guess.

yes you are massively over analyzing. Maybe she didn't want to take things of monetary value without discussing it or she's not interested in having reminders of the date, etc. I have seen so many gestures or behaviors like this analyzed and it's almost funny how wrong we are. Takes too much energy to guess.


Over all today I feel like I'm more determined than ever to truly GAL more and to focus on my 180s to just overall better myself cause that's the only person I can change.
\

True! My suggestion would be to make a few specific goals for GAL, rather than "overall better".

Like you "will join an organization/team/club/church this month.

Sign up to Volunteer or coach or take a class or study a musical instrument this week, etc.

Start an exercise program this week, reach out to an old friend within 48 hours.

Plan a trip (and you already have a job with travel!!)

This^^ will yield results. Most of them cost little or nothing. And you will feel better, and detachment will become easier in time.

Hang in there


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Originally Posted By: Stunned
I've probably pushed her so far away that there's no chance of her coming back, I HAVE to get my stupid emotions in check.


Don't beat yourself up, we've all been there and it is tough! For many of us it is the toughest thing we've ever been through. There IS a chance of recon though, so don't give up hope! I really believe in the power of positive thinking, if you convince yourself there's no chance then there isn't, but what if you said "you know what, this WILL turn around and we WILL be happily married again" and you thought that every moment of every day? What if THAT was your attitude, and you went through life happy, knowing that eventually you would have the M you want? There was a woman that did exactly this. Her H was a full blown MLCer and she basically told him "you go do what you need to do, I know you'll come back some day" and every day she worked on living her own life and left him to his crazy disaster of a life he was living. She didn't wait for him, but she KNEW he would come back and they would have a great M again. And years later, they did! It was a great story to read about because she refused from day one to let him bring her down, spoil her attitude or take her on his roller coaster. She was in the M for good, but she wasn't going to play any part in his games.

Quote:
It's 7 weeks today that she left so maybe I can correct the shop if I can stick with it


You're fine, still very early in the sitch. Most of us start out as terrible DB'ers. We beg, plead, pursue, do all the wrong things. Don't dwell on what you did wrong, think about what you can do right from now on!

Originally Posted By: Stunned
So just and observation when my W moved her stuff out she took ALL the pics of US even every single M photo. Idk why but that seems odd to me and I could view as a good thing cause she wants to keep them but now sure why?


Like 25 said, don't read anything into it. Who knows. We had a room divider in our house that W put photos in, there were 12 photos of friends and family including a wedding photo of the two of us. After S I asked her if she wanted it and she took it to her house. For over a year when I would drop the kids off or pick them up, there was that divider in the entry and that wedding photo staring at me first thing when I walked through the door. I never read anything into it, but I did wonder why she left it. She even swapped some other photos and left that one. Anyway she did eventually take it out. I have no idea why she kept it that long, maybe just a nostalgia thing.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: May 2017
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Another stander,

That's for the positive feedback, I have been thinking fairly positive for the most part but I do have some bad times and that's usually when I post on here hah! It's so strange cause I truly feel in my heart that this isn't the end of us I can explain it but it's a feeling I've had the entire time. I really feel like a lot of. Is still has to do with the Ivf and miscarriages cause she's really checked out of life all together, all she wants to do is just have fun with her friends and family and. It worry about anything else. That also makes me feel like she's overall depressed cause everytime I see her she doesn't look happy, and maybe that's cause she's seeing me and that makes her unhappy. Either way I can clearly see the pain and hurt in her eyes still when I look at her and it kills me knowing I contributed to that pain.

I will continue to 180 my life I've read countless books, getting in the best shape I've ever been in, going out with friends as much as possible. Flying to the Caribbean tomorrow (on a trip I booked for both of us the day after the miscarriage) but I'll make the best of it cause like you said I can't let her take me down her sad path. She's in turmoil for sure, I am too but I need to drag myself out of it and carry on, still praying for recon but making the best out of life if and when that day comes. And I'll be so prepared for recon with all the things I've learned and discovered about myself, about her needs and just about Nanking get a M work all together.

Things will get better I know it, with or without her..... stilling praying with her of course.

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On the wedding photos issue-


They are by far the best pictures that I have of me at that age.

Heck if I'll throw those away...

just saying


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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