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The W keeps asking me to do things for her at my house. For example she left a wall mirror and she asked me to take it down for her so she can take it tomorrow which I did. Then she has a bunch of outdoor stuff that's in totes and she was asking me to bring them up to the house from the shed. A few other things she's asked lately too, I feel like she shouldn't be asking me to do these things since she left and we aren't together for now? But I'm a fool and I want to keep things positive so I do them. But I feel like she's taking advantage of my niceness? Should I say no you need to do that on your own since it's your choice for leaving or cont doing the things she asks?

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You should definitely tell her no. Trust me these W will take advantage of you being nice in a heartbeat. If she wants to leave, then she should make the moves.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
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Yeah I'm thinking the same thing she's always saying how hard this is and I've bent over backwards for her this entire time to do everything he way she wants it done. She's always asked me to not be at the house when she was packing and I did it so why is it so hard for her??

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It concerns me some using NC with my wife when I've had several people in her family and friends say to me they know her and when she's done she's done and there's nothin you can for her to get those feelings back. I'm sure a bunch of waw say that but I know she's told me about her past R and it seems pretty true that when she gets hurt or mad about something she's out and doesn't look back. But this is a marriage and she's never been in a R even close to as long as one with me so surely that ca change things? Maybe? Besides that I've done a lot better as of late not putting pressure on her and not taking about the R. I've been doing a lot of GAL things but I still find her popping into my head even during the things I love to do. It's almost been 7 weeks so I know it's still very early and her hurt has got to be very fresh and painful still.

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Sandi2, I would love for you to read my story and offer some of your amazing advice on my waw. Idk how to let her see this post but I would really appreciate it, reading her replays are just amazing and full of insight.

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Originally Posted By: Stunned
I tried to say it as nicely as possible and said shes always welcomed here as its still her home too but for now you aren't living here so id really appreciate it if you would respect my privacy and simply send a text or call before coming over for now.


Sounds like you handled that quite well. This needed to be done, basically you're putting her on notice that she no longer has full access to you or the house.

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I said I know you feel uncomfortable around me and dont trust me. i can see why cause I unknowingly lost track of meeting your most important need in the marriage and now that Im figuring it out its prob frustrating you even more wondering why it took this for me to understand it.And im sure you're not trusting my intentions as sincere. And because of this you built a wall to protect yourself from me. SoIm going to cont to work on my weaknesses so that you can eventually feel comfortable being yourself around me again. because I want to become the best person I can be for the future.


See above corrections. If you're going to share feelings with her, then make it about your journey of improvement, don't say you're doing it for her or for the R because to her (right now) it's "too little too late". Just acknowledge that you're taking what she has told you to heart and are working on yourself. I said something like that to my W and asked her for input, if there were other things I should work on. She offered nothing up. Looking back I think her attitude was "oh sure NOW he wants to be a better person, why should I help him now after years of trying to tell him what he needed to work on." Your W will probably see it that way too. I think it's OK to have that convo, but don't keep bringing it up. If SHE wants to share feelings well that's OK, but this isn't the time for you to open up.

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I know I need to put your feelings in front of mine and since I know how uncomfortable some of our talks have been for you Im not going to put that pressure on you anymore. This is on your time so when you feel comfortable talking about things it'll be your choice.


This is one of those things that you don't tell her you're going to do, you just do it. Put it into practice.

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She started crying when I said that and she said this is just so hard to go through, i tried to validate her feelings and said I understand how hard this is for you and im sorry youre feeling this way. I said I know that this isnt how she wanted our marriage to be. She cried for a few mins and I wanted so badly to just come through the phone and hug her.


Don't let the crying confuse you, it's just guilt coming through. It's not remorse. She still thinks she's doing the right thing and that she is justified.

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After her crying its like she snaps herself back into place of moving forward and said I hope we dont fight about money cause last time I asked you about the house you acted like you didnt want to talk about it (the house is only in my name and I bought it before we were married so she legally cant get anything for it) and I said I understand you feeling that way and If/When that time come we can talk about it then.


Just remember that there is a time for validation and a time for standing firm. When it comes to settling the D then put your business face on.

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So I told her how nice it was talkin to her and hopefully we can have more talks like that. she acknowledged it was nice too. (yet a mistake I know) i said it would be nice to jsut grab a drink sometime and talk


You were doing pretty well up to that point, but that's blatant pursuit. Don't go there!

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And now today because of that I want so badly to ask her to hang out but I know thats the worst thing I can do at this point.


When you can remove pressure from the WAS, often they do soften up a lot and will open up more and feel "safer" talking. DO NOT CONFUSE THIS with any interest in recon. On the contrary, she is only opening up more because she thinks there is no pressure to recon. If you start applying pressure again (asking her out to drinks or to come by to talk) then she WILL shut down again. So you really need to quit that.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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5 days after that talk I sent her a text on morning asking her if I could call that evening to talk. She said talk about what? I said just talk for a few mins not really. About anything. She texted back I don't know, then I said if you want to talk about how you feel about that we can. Her response was I just don't feel like we are at a place to just call and chat is all, not trying to be mean. So obviously the hour long talk the week before wasn't as good of a talk as I thought or maybe she enjoyed it too but didn't want to give me false hope of talking regularly. I'm sure that felt like pressure to her once again.

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My wife did the same thing...when she first told me she wanted a D I asked her a bunch of questions, etc. and she got pissed, didn't want to explain or anything. Now that I don't ask, inquire, try to talk, engage, etc she is much more friendly to be around. I even got a side hug when she came to the door on Monday. I have decided to not bring anything up ever again and she knows my number if she wants to talk, etc. I'm done chasing, talking and trying to explanations.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Originally Posted By: Stunned
5 days after that talk I sent her a text on morning asking her if I could call that evening to talk.


That's pressure. When you get the urge to do that stuff, pull out Sandi's rules and review them again:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2230603

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1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.


I actually printed Sandi's rules out and kept them in my pocket and read them several times a day. It's a good gut-check that keeps you from straying off course.

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She said talk about what? I said just talk for a few mins not really. About anything. She texted back I don't know, then I said if you want to talk about how you feel about that we can.


Yeah that's pressure, don't do it. If SHE wants to initiate a talk (which she probably won't for months, or even a year or more) then fine, you listen. But stop inviting her to have convos. It just makes you look needy and desperate to her.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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So the W just stopped by to get some of her outside stuff, I kept myself busy doing other stuff we talked a lil at the end. She made the comment "thanks for letting me stop by" kinda like she was bitter that I asked her to start letting me know when she comes by for now on. I said to her it's not like that you're always welcomed I just really appreciate it if you just let me know for now on is all. It makes me feel bad now that I made that boundary with her but it's the first thing I've done this whole process that's not on her terms so I don't thinj she likes that.

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