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No, you validate when she comes to you... You don't lure her in so you can validate...

Your goal is to GAL, find a passion, be the F'n person who she couldn't do without.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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OK, I am telling you this, like from Sandi2's point of view. Just tell her she doesn't come into YOUR HOUSE without your being notified and verified first.

PLEASE LISTEN TO THE WOMEN ON THIS SITE. If you do anything less, you appear desperate. Which we understand, but if you include HER in that conversation that we are having here, it will make her even more determined to RUN RUN RUN..

We are totally on your side, but we can't help if you don't listen to us.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Ok so at this point trying to validate her feelings is pointless and will make her distance herself farther away? Got it, guess I'll just stick with the non emotional stuff

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Originally Posted By: Stunned
W:ive had a lot going on in the evenings after work lately so im not positive but will try to. I am also worried about the conversation turning into one we have had many times and mentally i just cant do that anymore.


Validating response: "Oh I understand, you feel pressured when you see me in person. I am sorry you feel that way, but I will respect your boundaries. I think we can handle it by text, what I wanted to tell you is X, Y, Z."

By continually telling her that YOU want her to come by in person, you are pressuring her to get YOUR way and is that not "more of the same" behavior?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Originally Posted By: Stunned
W:ive had a lot going on in the evenings after work lately so im not positive but will try to. I am also worried about the conversation turning into one we have had many times and mentally i just cant do that anymore.


Validating response: "Oh I understand, you feel pressured when you see me in person. I am sorry you feel that way, but I will respect your boundaries. I think we can handle it by text, what I wanted to tell you is X, Y, Z."
I
By continually telling her that YOU want her to come by in person, you are pressuring her to get YOUR way and is that not "more of the same" behavior?


No you are right and so I sent her an email today basically saying that if seeing me makes you feel uncomfortable than we don't need to do that cause I don't want you to feel uncomfortable so she said she would call me tonight. I really need to focus on this conversation and what I want to say and not make it full of pressure cause I know that's pushing her away more. And only being less than 6 weeks into it's gotta be all still very fresh with her with loads of hurt still

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So yesterday evening the W called me so we could talk about some boundaries with the house now that she moved all her stuff out. I tried to say it as nicely as possible and said shes always welcomed here as its still her home too but for now you aren't living here so id really appreciate it if you would respect my privacy and simply send a text or call before coming over for now. i think at first she was kinda surprised and said "im not going to take your stuff or anything" I said I know you're not and I trust you wont but id really appreciate if you please just call. she agreed she would.

After that I felt compelled to bring up something that I realized when we were exchanging emails earlier in the week when she was very hesitant to meet in person. So I probably made a mistake but i felt I needed to say it. I said I know you feel uncomfortable around me and dont trust me. i can see why cause I unknowingly lost track of meeting your most important need in the marriage and now that Im figuring it out its prob frustrating you even more wondering why it took this for me to understand it. And im sure you're not trusting my intentions as sincere. And because of this you built a wall to protect yourself from me. So Im going to cont to work on my weaknesses so that you can eventually feel comfortable being yourself around me again. I know I need to put your feelings in front of mine and since I know how uncomfortable some of our talks have been for you Im not going to put that pressure on you anymore. This is on your time so when you feel comfortable talking about things it'll be your choice.

She started crying when I said that and she said this is just so hard to go through, i tried to validate her feelings and said I understand how hard this is for you and im sorry youre feeling this way. I said I know that this isnt how she wanted our marriage to be. She cried for a few mins and I wanted so badly to just come through the phone and hug her.

After her crying its like she snaps herself back into place of moving forward and said I hope we dont fight about money cause last time I asked you about the house you acted like you didnt want to talk about it (the house is only in my name and I bought it before we were married so she legally cant get anything for it) and I said I understand you feeling that way and If/When that time come we can talk about it then.

We talked for a while after that just small talk and some laughs from both of us here and there. Over all it really seemed like a talk we wouldve have before she left. It seemed like she didnt really want to get off the phone but I felt I needed to end it cause it was over 45 mins of talking. So I told her how nice it was talkin to her and hopefully we can have more talks like that. she acknowledged it was nice too. (yet a mistake I know) i said it would be nice to jsut grab a drink sometime and talk, she didnt agree but didnt shoot it down either. Over all it was a really nice talk, but who knows what she thinks of it. And now today because of that I want so badly to ask her to hang out but I know thats the worst thing I can do at this point. I'll just give her more space and let the talk simmer in her mind for a while, if shes even thinking about the talk.

At the end of the talk I just told her Im gonna keep doing my life for now and just have faith. She said I know and I left it at hope you keep in touch and then said bye.

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So my W sis n law started texting me today asking how I was told her ins was doing ok then she asked if I think there's hope or is she done I said I'm praying for hope. Then it's like she really started trying to discourage me say well I know her and I know in the past that when she doesn't feel the connection or love she's done and she sticks with her feelings. I just said I know that's what she's done in the past but she's never been married or had this long of a relationship so this is different to a degree. It's just really irritating when someone tries to but into your personal life like they know the outcome cause of things someone has done in the past.

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Yeah maybe you should have started out with "i'm not comfortable discussing this matter with W's family"?

Maybe then she would have butt'ed out and not discussed it any further. That could have spared you the irritating feeling.


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
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Originally Posted By: Btrow
Yeah maybe you should have started out with "i'm not comfortable discussing this matter with W's family"?

Maybe then she would have butt'ed out and not discussed it any further. That could have spared you the irritating feeling.


Yeah that could've been better, I think she's letting her own feelings bleed into her comments cause she's not happy with her husband so.....

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Very unfair of her, but at least you know why she acts that way then, so dont pay any more attention to what she says.


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
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