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LH19 #2746374 06/10/17 02:08 AM
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IslandH Offline OP
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I woke today feeling full of anxiety, plagued by the thoughts of the woman I thought was only meant for me sharing herself with someone else. These feelings come in waves and I really struggle when they sweep over me. Its hard to even fathom why I still dearly love her and that I am willing to make it work. I think I also have a feeling of loss, the partner that has been there for me for so many years is now, not only the cause of so much pain, but is absent where before she was there for me during the hard times, its like a double whammy. Our children are my only source of distraction at the minute, work doesn't seem to have the same effect.
I'm finding it hard that W is literally having NOTHING to say about the MR and I'm at a dead end with nowhere to go with the situation. LIMBO...ugh!!
I've made the decision to completely blank our anniversary this week...it's going to be extremely tough, especially as I know we will have plenty of well wishers within the family.


Me-37 W-37 D-11 S-7
T:17
M:13
Discovered PA: 07/31/16
IslandH #2748261 06/24/17 01:51 PM
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So the anniversary went by without a word said about it by either of us, it was a tough day, that was one of the hardest things to do. Today I am feeling so resentful at the fact it seems that my WAS seems to get her cake and eat it. We are trying to "deal" with the sitch behind closed doors with nobody needing to know right now, but I feel that she doesn't have the real life problems with OM that we have/had in our R, so as far as she is concerned its the perfect scenario. As far as I am aware she is still seeing OM, and she has no worries when it comes to kids/home because I am trying to be that perfect man that she doesn't want to leave. I feel like I am making it easy for her. As for living in the same house I have no reason to not be there when she decides she wants to have her social life. I am keeping communication to a minimum and making sure to do opposite to what I used to do in most situations (complaining about things not done like chores and grocery shopping etc) i just do what I have to do myself which in turn again makes it easier for her. I know its still earlier in my DB attempts but not sure what will change in the near future without any drastic measures.


Me-37 W-37 D-11 S-7
T:17
M:13
Discovered PA: 07/31/16
IslandH #2748278 06/25/17 04:18 AM
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IslandH,

Just be prepared for W to feel as if your changes are fake. This is exactly what I have dealt with in my own sitch. My advice is to change, but no so much so quickly that your W doesn't recognise you. It has to be gradual, so it doesn't come off fake.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
Tread #2749803 07/06/17 03:18 AM
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IslandH Offline OP
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Heading to Europe for 3 weeks for a "family" vacation which is going to be strange/difficult. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?

Still finding it difficult to obtain a copy of either book discreetly without her seeing, we are not on the mainland very long before we head to Europe so still trying to get it somehow. Someone NEEDS to convert this book to file for Michelle!!!!


Me-37 W-37 D-11 S-7
T:17
M:13
Discovered PA: 07/31/16
IslandH #2749833 07/06/17 04:55 AM
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Originally Posted By: IslandH
Heading to Europe for 3 weeks for a "family" vacation which is going to be strange/difficult. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?


IslandH,

If you'll pay all of my expenses, I'll go with you on the European vacation and run interference between you and the family. In addition, I'll give you my copy of Michelle's book for free.

Such a deal! When are we leaving?

doodler #2750117 07/07/17 05:34 PM
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IslandH Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: doodler
Originally Posted By: IslandH
Heading to Europe for 3 weeks for a "family" vacation which is going to be strange/difficult. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?


IslandH,

If you'll pay all of my expenses, I'll go with you on the European vacation


Thanks doodler, I may just take you up on that...or better still why not take my W place!!!! laugh


Me-37 W-37 D-11 S-7
T:17
M:13
Discovered PA: 07/31/16
IslandH #2763130 09/25/17 06:35 AM
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Ok so I finally managed to get Divorce Remedy whilst on vacation and discreetly pack it so as no-one would see it. I have read the book and tried to implement it to my best ability, I am however struggling on the GAL part due to work commitments and also I'm not seeing much difference in the W's attitude towards me, even after trying the 180's I've not seen much of a change. It's difficult to gauge as she has never really been unpleasant...apart from her obvious indiscretions, but she has always been somewhat polite. We have spoken once about the A and that was over a brief text conversation which i saw wasn't going in a favorable direction so cut that off before it went too far. Is it just going to be a case of sit silently for the A to die of its own accord? I don't see things progressing much while she is still seeing the AP. Detaching is also difficult, I have been quite upbeat around her and our kids but I feel terrible for the most part, even so much as it is affecting my ability to focus at work. I find my mind wandering constantly thinking about what she is doing and who she is with. Hopefully things will run their course soon enough...


Me-37 W-37 D-11 S-7
T:17
M:13
Discovered PA: 07/31/16
IslandH #2763141 09/25/17 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted By: IslandH
and also I'm not seeing much difference in the W's attitude towards me, even after trying the 180's I've not seen much of a change.


You won't, not or months or even a year or more. At first she'll think you're doing 180's as a trick to get her back (which is probably true). You need to do 180's for YOU, to become the best "you" that you can be. Eventually she'll realize you really have changed, and THEN her attitude towards you might change as well.

Quote:
Is it just going to be a case of sit silently for the A to die of its own accord? I don't see things progressing much while she is still seeing the AP.


The idea isn't to outlast the A, it is to work on yourself independent of her and her A. You have no control over her and her A, all you have control over is you. This is why you get out and get a life, because right now you are codependent (it's a normal byproduct of being married) and you need to break that.

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Detaching is also difficult, I have been quite upbeat around her and our kids but I feel terrible for the most part, even so much as it is affecting my ability to focus at work.


Yes that is unfortunately a normal part of it. Again, this is where GAL'ing will help. I know you say you don't have time, but you've got to make time for it. GAL'ing is extremely difficult when you just want to curl up in the fetal position somewhere, but the more you make yourself do it the easier it gets and the less you think about your sitch.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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