Betrayed Spouse - Round 2

[dale165]

Hi,

June 2 I finally began to take some action for myself. That's my anniversary so its easy to remember. I've made pretty good strides. I've distanced myself a great deal. Not total detached but getting closer. Since then, I speak with a M counselor and a marriage group once a week. I've been reading and writing a lot lately. DB is probably the 3rd book I've read cover to cover. I have a freaking library of self help books that have never even been opened. Since June 2, its rained here every last day so I'm trying to GAL but my version of GAL is outside activities. As far as the PIES, Ive been working on everything except emotional but I do have an psychiatrist appointment soon. I would like to find/work on the reasons for me not being outwardly emotional and loving. Acts of service is all I know how to do. In hindsight, I felt like if I fixed my wifes car that was enough but that's rarely enough in actuality.

Quick recap of my R:

Wife moved out 10 months ago with another man. She believes I don't love her enough to reconcile. She still says she's surprised that I even care she had an affair. She went from one of the best people I ever met to a constant liar and unreliable person. We still talk almost everyday but the duration and substance is lower. She is now looking to buy a house. I asked her why and she says she has nothing to show for her life so she wants a house (She seems like she is going crazy with material things and looks). I don't have much to say to her anymore. I do have a nervous excitement about my next chapter although I still want to reconcile but I find that waning a bit. I also find my eyes wandering at other women. My friends told me some women found out about me and are asking questions about my availability. I find that tempting because I'm lonely but know at my current state that will end in disaster. Plus I believe I shouldn't date unless divorced.

Just writing to get my thoughts down. Anyone see anything that stands out? Approach bad? Also, when should one just go total no contact and when should more drastic measures be taken. My gut is telling me this wont go any further without more drastic actions. I'm a little nervous about striking out but I would feel better going down swinging.

[Tread]

Dale,

My question is that W has been living with OM for 10 months now. If she is showing no interest, then it might be time to push for a divorce and move on. Sounds as if she's living it up, while your living like a monk. It might be time to start dating and see if that somehow moves your W towards you. Because it seems that what your currently doing isn't working. Also I suggest you stop talking with her.

[WshIKnw]

Dale, I don't feel very qualified to be giving you much advice, which is why I suggest you talk to a DB Coach. I do feel strongly about the advice I have given so far, though, especially about not going too much no contact on a wife that felt unloved. Since you aren't getting a whole lot of help from other people, I will chime in with a few more things.

First, I want you to think back over the last ten months. When did things seem to be better with your wife? When did things seem to be worse? How were you behaving and talking, or not talking, during those times? Do more of the things that have seemed to help your situation, and none of the things that seemed to hurt your situation. If you can't think of many things that have hurt or helped your situation, then I would wonder whether you have tried enough things -- experimented enough.

I wonder whether you have experimented enough, period. You seem to be in a rut with her, where nothing has changed much lately. Ask yourself whether that is true. You know better than we do. If it is true, consider the following. It is often said that it's foolish to continue doing the same thing hoping for different results. Clearly there is a question though as to how long you should do something before determining that it's not going to work. I can't answer that for you. I think you know the answer to that better than anyone. If you are a man of faith, I would advise seeking answers there. I will tell you that I have sought help from basically everywhere, during the last 7 months. You know what 180's are, right, Dale? It's doing the opposite of what you normally do, to try to elicit a different, positive response from your spouse. People build up habit and routine, in regard to how they behave and react to one another. Mixing it up a bit, throws your spouse off, and requires them to behave differently than usual. Different can mean something positive or something negative, but I'd say that at least you are trying new things, if you get some negative response. Just don't do those things again that elicit negative response. 180's also make you appear more interesting and exciting to your spouse, because it makes them wonder about you. It makes you appear more mysterious, which is very attractive to your spouse.

My gut is telling me this wont go any further without more drastic actions. I'm a little nervous about striking out but I would feel better going down swinging.

I think we both agree that you need to mix things up a bit, but be careful about drastic actions. Anger is your enemy. Anger probably fuels her ability to do mean things to you, like have the affair and leave you for wife stealer. If you do things that will likely make her mad, make sure they are things that earn her respect at the same time. Part of your problem, I believe, is that your wife lost respect for you, like I believe all wayward wives do. She has to respect you again, before she is going to be attracted to you again, and want to go back to you. So if your drastic measures are done out of love and to build respect, then I think they could be very good for you, even if they do make her mad. Otherwise, I'd say steer clear of things that will make her mad. Have you read Sandi's Wayward Wife threads? I consider them a must read. Sandi went wayward with her husband, and has spent a lot of time on these forums. She seems to have very good insight into the mind of a wayward wife, which is what you are dealing with.

Lastly, how much are you doing the DB techniques? For example, are you being mysterious, or are you telling your wife everything you are doing? I highly suggest the Last Resort Technique video series. I found a coupon code before I bought it, that took a good chunk off its price.

[dale165]

Sorry for the late reply, been out of town for an engagement party.

Tread,

Thank you for the reply. I have no problem with people dating when separated. For my situation I don't think it will work because I would bring a lot of baggage into a new one right now. I want to say I read some article before that said a good guideline is to wait 2 months to date for every year you were together. It capped at like 7-10 years. That's a big generalization but it just further made me think and realized Im not ready. Plus just from a personal stance, I don't think it would be right until we are divorced. Im not opposed to hanging out with people that includes women, I just never been the type to have women friends.

Wsh,

Thank you for such a well thought response. You have helped me realize that even though its been 10 months, I really have only been descent at DB for about a month. So I have not experimented enough. This last month I have not chased or brought up R once. Even though our conversations lack much substance, we are getting along pretty good. I do remember things getting better several months ago when she seen me GAL for several weeks. She found what I was doing interesting and asking me a ton of questions. I think I did that for her so it only lasted several weeks.

You are the second person to mention the video series. I will look that up again now. I am now open to new things. Being that I was sad and a naturally stubborn person, it was a bad combination to learn new things. So yes I believe you are right that I owe it to myself and M to at least continue. This last month has been going pretty good. I just find myself physically lonely a bit plus thinking of her one day moving back in. If she ever does, its going to be hard living with another person again because I took over all rooms and bathrooms! Another concern is my family and friends. No one has yet to be mean to W but it would be weird for her coming to Christmas parties and what not. I told her they would be fine but it would take some time and they would respect her if she actually showed some remorse.

[dale165]

One more thing WSH, the stuff you said also helped me realize that I'm blaming my wife for a lot of struggles I've had since discovery. Work suffered, depressed, more responsibility, anger etc. When a problem arised, I just said my W's affair is the reason for my poor performance and problems. In actuality, I'm responsible for myself. The affair is the first thing I say and that's all I say but I know I cant use that excuse forever.

[AnotherStander]

I have no problem with people dating when separated. For my situation I don't think it will work because I would bring a lot of baggage into a new one right now. I want to say I read some article before that said a good guideline is to wait 2 months to date for every year you were together. It capped at like 7-10 years. That's a big generalization but it just further made me think and realized Im not ready. Plus just from a personal stance, I don't think it would be right until we are divorced.

I think that's wise and prudent. I just mentioned in another thread that I started dating about a year after S. I thought I was ready, but months later I realized I started in too soon. I brought too much baggage and confusion into the dating, and it was clouding my judgment of WHO I was dating too. I think for me a large part of it was I was already past 50 and thinking I didn't have a lot of time left to try and start a new R. I felt a sense of urgency. But rushing back into dating is most definitely not the path back to happiness. Find happiness and inner peace first, THEN date

[dale165]

Thanks Anotherstander, totally agree! You can switch your age concern with my wanting children so I do feel somewhat urgent.

Funny thing is that I think dating may actually help. W is very jealous and when she sees I went somewhere she always wants to know who was there and further questions if women was there (I never gave her a reason to be this way btw).

But I battle back and forth because of my personal beliefs. Also would not want to hurt a third party.

[WshIKnw]

Funny thing is that I think dating may actually help. W is very jealous and when she sees I went somewhere she always wants to know who was there and further questions if women was there (I never gave her a reason to be this way btw).

But I battle back and forth because of my personal beliefs. Also would not want to hurt a third party.

Very interesting. You don't have to date, Dale. Just be mysterious. Don't tell your wife everything you are doing. If she thinks you might be dating, that's good. Let her wonder. I'd even go so far as to make it look like you are dating, without lying and saying you are. Just make it look like you are. When asked whether you are, just say that you refuse to answer that. Does your wife tell you everything she is doing? Probably not. But even if she supposedly does, that doesn't mean you have to tell your unfaithful, walk-away wife everything you are doing. Just a suggestion. You do what you think is right. MWD says to do these sorts of things, for the Last Resort Technique. I'm just making these suggestions, because you seem to be on the fence about wanting her back. If you don't want her back, then just ignore what I'm saying in regards to getting her back.

[dale165]

Thanks Wsh, I definitely still want her back. I miss her a great deal. The talk on dating may have went the wrong direction. I have no plans on doing that. To be blunt, not having intimacy for almost a year is what I was getting at. Sorry if I sound like a caveman.

I read the LR techinques almost daily for the last two weeks (exception last weekend). I have a few other notes that I read in the book often as well.

[dale165]

So the W came over today to get her CPR card because she said her work would no longer let her work without proof of it. Haven't seen her in 3 weeks. She started touching my arms, playing with me veins (She administers radiation via IV so she was always playing with mine bc she says others are hard sticks). Just general flirting as we were and still are extremely physically attracted to each other. I could tell by the way she looked at me she is regretting her choices. I'm very stubborn but she takes stubborn to the next level. I asked her how was her life and she says pretty crappy. I know her like the back of hand and when she is wrong she will go to the end of the world not to admit it.

So when we see each other sparks kind of fly again. She has told me this before. She doesn't like seeing me for this very reason. I was doing really well with GAL and don't want to backtrack with new emotions plus our convos lately have been descent. I have not brought R once for about a month now. That from bringing it up almost daily, so the tension is definitely dropping.

So I guess my concern is, since our relationship was doomed bc of lack of affection and emotion from me, should I continue as described? Mild flirting, checking in, general talk.

Yes I read the book, and yes I distanced myself quite a bit. I feel my new activities are giving me a little pep, more than when we were together. I just don't want to backtrack from getting my emotions wild again. I was actually starting to enjoy me life without her but of course I would still like to reconcile. Trying to find that balance. Looks like each step in this brings in a new set of challenges.