Fight, again I don't envy you the tension of him being there. I have a hard enough time when he is so far away.
You are going to have to let go of the need to know who he is talking to or what he is doing. When you do those things he knows you are not detached and that you sitting there on the shelf where you are supposed to be. That makes him comfortable because he has the object of his pursuit and Plan B right where he wants them.
When you do your surprise attack move-out you will certainly get his attention and he will figure out that you are moving on. Until then, try to ignore what he is doing. Trust me I know how hard this is and I completely stink at it myself. I'm still taking the bait.
Sounds like your gut instinct knows two things - that aggressive control is part of his pattern now and it triggers old learned feelings and responses in you. Good thing is you see that, so it is a great opportunity to GAL by teaching yourself your own way to do boundaries and assertion.
Detaching so you can be calm and acting with your head not your heart or fears. Really getting that you are only responsible for YOUR behaviour, not his. Knowing that you have the right as a human being to be treated with respect or to walk away from situations or people who can't or won't treat you that way. You sound as if you're making big steps already.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Thank you Job, OwnIt, and Treasur. Becoming more detached is the key. It was extremely hard at first, but I am finding as I become more practiced, it becomes exponentially easier.
More typical MLC-type behavior over the weekend . . .
On Friday, out of the blue H texted me to tell me he had picked S up (H has every other Friday off) and was going to take him to the park. When he got to the day care the teacher told him he had diarrhea a couple of times so H said he rethought his plan and just went home saying that because of the heat and diarrhea, S should stay at home. I got this text when I was 5 minutes from the day care.
When I called, H gave me an earful. I told him I was 5 minutes away and it would have been nice to have known ahead of time that I wouldn't have to pick S up. H spewed that he had to ambush me because I don't let him take S anywhere. (This is true. Since December, when I found out he lied to me about taking S to a work function, but instead tried to arrange a meet with OW; as an aside, OW refused. He brought S home 1 1/2 hour past his bed time and later than when he said he would be back. He didn't text or call me to tell me he was running late, so for an hour and half I paced the house concerned about S. I told him that I could no longer trust what he was doing with S and as long as we are both living under the same roof, I was not going to allow him to take S anywhere. I know I may receive a 2x4 for this. I was trying to lay a boundary - which he has strangely honored. I realize when I move out, I won't be able to control what he does with S. I can live with that. What I couldn't live with was H taking S to meet OW while living under the same roof.)
I calmly responded that it would have been nice to know ahead of time. He seemed to calm down.
At this point, does it really matter? No. So long as I don't already have plans, I don't care what he does with S. That is on him. Also, by dropping the rope, he won't be getting the type of reaction he expects. Which means he won't have another thing he can point to as justification for what he is doing.
Although there is a part of me that thinks the only reason he did this was to try to provoke a reaction from me. I get the feeling he is looking for fuel for his justifications. I feel this way because he didn't do a single thing with S for the rest of the weekend. MLCers do things like this, no?
Anyway, once I arrived at home, S wanted to watch a movie on tv. H told him no that he should go outside and play. (What?!? He just told me that he didn't want to take S to the park because of the diarrhea issue and the heat, but now he is telling S to go outside and play. I don't see the logic.)
The power went out Saturday afternoon and wasn't restored until Sunday morning. When it went out, H was at the store. I was about to take S out to get his haircut and some dinner when H returned. Bummer. I was trying to lift the garage door to pull my car out so I got delayed. If the power had not gone out, I would have escaped before H returned home. So we went together and had dinner together. Something we haven't done since he had me served. When we returned home H disappeared for a couple of hours claiming he had a paper due for school and needed internet access. Yea, sure buddy.
While waiting for food, I pulled out an old phone I have. In June before we went to his nephew's wedding I erased the phone, then loaded it with toddler videos, movies, and games for the plane ride for S. H saw the phone and saw S watching videos on it during the trip. When I pulled the phone out of my purse, H asked if I got a new phone. Really? Their brains are this Swiss cheese?!? I said, no, this is the phone I have been using since the plane trip for nephew's wedding. You would have thought that I was speaking Mandarin to him.
On Sunday morning our washing machine broke. And boy did H get mad. I told him I would take care of it, but he insisted on looking at it. He was already in a foul mood about doing repairs because, if you recall, he pulled the towel bar off the wall in our 2nd bathroom, the ceiling fan in S's room broke again after he tried to fix it a couple of weeks ago, and there are ants invading our house. I have never seen him this angry over home repairs.
What's kinda funny is my dad commented to me that he thinks H just doesn't like to be reminded he has responsibilities. Lol! And my dad doesn't know a thing about MLC!!! When I told my dad about what happened at dinner re the cell phone, he reminded me that H doesn't remember anything unless it has to do with him. If something doesn't affect him or have to do with him, he isn't going to care. It is all about him. Hasn't HB reminded us of this? My dad also commented that he thinks H is going to go into a tailspin before this is all over. Dad thinks H is going to realize single life won't be the unicorns and rainbows he imagined. Isn't that what HB and the vets all tell us what happens? My dad is a regular MLC pro and he doesn't even know it. Or maybe God was using my dad to remind me of some things I needed to remember???
I went to see the house I will be moving into. It is half the size of our current residence and nowhere near as nice. But it is a place to live, it is cheap, and it is near family. All I can do is soldier on.
I feel your pain. Mine just picked up S for the day. I was trying to talk to him about some logistics stuff and once again he wouldn't look at me. At one point I stopped and said are we doing the not looking people in the eye thing again. I was trying to schedule an activity for him and S (that we had previously discussed) since we are leaving soon and I could see him thinking about how it would fit into his plans with OW2 as he was answering, since he was off work that week. I felt the rage boiling in me. After they left I texted him the day and time info and as usual, he has to let me know how insignificant I am by not opening it. I keep telling myself 3 weeks and I'm out of this part of the world (will have to come back on weekends and hopefully arrange movers). I told myself that's the last time I do him a favor. I'll just take S myself next time.
The new place will be nicer because he won't be there and his drama won't be there. You can't imagine how much more peaceful it will be not to have to deal with his nonsense. It will hurt at first, but it will quickly be preferable to be in his absence and then you will be complaining about the times you have to see him (like me).
OwnIt - The PA behavior just blows my mind. I really have a hard time with it from my H. My mom was that way and I had no way to express my frustration. So now, when I encounter that kind of behavior it really gets my goat. It's like I am making up for lost time.
When I came into work today, there was an email from a well admired colleague stating he is retiring and today is his last official day. This was news to everyone (except the head of this office). This is just like him to leave without any fanfare. No luncheon, no retirement party, no cake. Just an email wishing us all well and no forwarding contact information.
From where I sit, I would have liked to tell him what a pleasure it has been to work with him. I would like him to know that our office is losing a great resource and a tremendously talented lawyer. But really, he knows all these things. He doesn't need me to tell him. I will miss him.
I feel like crying. I know it is not all over my colleague's sudden retirement. It is about H too.
The lack of closure that I have been able to get. That makes me sad. The unspoken words. The unshared emotions. It is almost too much for me right now.
The two oddly parallel one another. At least I can recognize the emotions I am feeling right now don't just stem from my colleague's retirement, but there is some sadness over my situation with H in there too.
And with respect to H - what can be hard for me is the fact that even if I were to get answers to questions and get to share feelings, I couldn't trust any of it right now. I wouldn't believe a word he says. It would all be empty and probably just cause me more pain.
What I do know is I don't have to have the answers to move through this. I would certainly like them. But they aren't essential to healing myself. If some kind of intimate relationship were to develop in the future, well, we will have to confront this issue. For now, I will just have to table it. It's sitting on the shelf next to the box that has my love for H in it.
Fight I can so attest to that about not trusting even if you heard it. Yesterday when I was done looking at houses I felt such a joyless emptiness. I said Own, what is going on with you. You are looking forward to moving and being done with him. Then I said Own, you just don't trust him. So I stupidly texted him saying I was concerned about moving forward and selling the house because I didn't entirely feel that I have his cooperation in helping me get into another. He said he has reached the conclusion that S wants to move to new/old town and that he would cooperate. I told him that I didn't feel he was being candid with me and was now being controlling around money and making unilateral decisions. His response to that, "nope." Awesome. I feel completely better and reassured now.
There is no feel good. There is no closure. There is only wondering, confusion and pain until we replace those feelings with something else. I think that is why the advice is always to GAL. Action feels better than sitting around waiting. Action is forward-looking. Confusion and pain leave us mired in the past.
Maybe 10 years from now he will come back and admit that he was wrong in what he did. But you can't wait for something that may never happen.
I know that when you move and put some distance between the two of you that things will be better. I know that when I move and put (more) distance between us things will be better.
There is an ending for us. I think it is just a whimper and not a bang. But, while we have no control over this chapter, we entirely own the ones which are not yet written. I would rather look forward to those with some degree of hope.
I have been off the grid for a little while because I am in the midst of a lengthy jury trial. OwnIt - you probably totally get it!!! I haven't been doing as much non work related reading or writing as I would normally be doing.
H has been out of town since the 13th. Too bad I have been too swamped at work to enjoy the peace and quiet at home. We have texted very little. But he is more chatty in the texts that he has been in the past. We FaceTimed twice so he could talk to S. They were both short session, and in fact, during last night's session, S was having a tantrum so there wasn't much communication going on. Several times S tried to turn the phone off. Lol!
Having the physical distance from H has been really nice. While I have not had much time to really think about it, just the lack of his physical presence has been a relief. Sometimes I do catch myself wondering if this is how it will be when I move out. It seems to have helped with deepening my detachment. The real test will be when he returns. If I still feel the level of detachment I feel now, well, I will be grateful.
There are moments where I feel I could not care any less about H. My love for him is safely on a shelf, locked away. I don't care what he is doing, who is seeing, or who he is talking to, or who he's with. And for the first time in a very long time, I r-e-a-l-l-y feel it. In trying to write about it, all I can say is I feel peace. I think that is what I am feeling.
I feel like I can step back and see him for the hot mess he is.
I will confess that throughout this process I have sometimes questioned some of the teachings and practical advice I have been given and read about. Whether it be because of my skeptical nature or because of my "it's all my fault issues." But during this break, I feel my eyes opening and I am getting a greater perspective. I can really start to see and truly feel that 1) I am not responsible for my H's affairs; 2) the marriage is not responsible for H's affairs; 3) that there is something deep inside him, that he doesn't even realize is there, that is causing him to react to things in his life with these maladaptive coping mechanisms; 4) that he is running from facing himself; and 5) that life with OW will not lead him to greener pastures (this last one is a biggy for me and still a bit of an issue, but I do feel it less and less over time; I can't say if that is because I think they are still really broken up or if it's b/c I am learning to let this go).
One of the hardest parts of this for me still is the fact that there is nothing I can do about any of the above. He is no longer interested in my opinion (sometimes I think he never really was interested, even before MLC, he just went along to get along) and my words carry no weight. That is part of this process. And really, I am no longer interested in his opinion and his words haven't carried any weight with me for a long time. Is that part of detachment? Is that part of falling out of love?
I do still struggle with the difference between falling out of love and MLC. The lines between the two blur. Maybe they are interconnected. I do have trouble accepting the fact that his love for me is buried deep inside him. I'm not sure it's there. Admittedly, to maintain hope, I would like to see something more concrete on this. But that is MY want. Having blind faith in some things is really difficult for me right now.
I also wonder if the reason I'm not seeing anything more concrete on the issue of whether he really still loves me is because I need to just let him go completely. Is the lack of evidence and the deepening detachment an indication that I am being freed of my bond to him. I still question whether I'm being released, so right now, the answer is probably, no I am not being freed.
I apologize for the random nature of this post. I don't have a lot of time to organize my thoughts and feelings, but wanted to get as much as I could down before I have to return to work.
Fight I love the place you are reaching. I think once you are not living with him the healing can begin. He would have gone through this no matter who he was with. You owe it yourself and your son to have a glorious life and to focus on the happiness moving forward rather than the sadness of the past.
There are moments where I feel I could not care any less about H. My love for him is safely on a shelf, locked away. I don't care what he is doing, who is seeing, or who he is talking to, or who he's with. And for the first time in a very long time, I r-e-a-l-l-y feel it. In trying to write about it, all I can say is I feel peace. I think that is what I am feeling. Always grateful when I get that feeling. Never imagined I would, but it is a more peaceful place.
I feel like I can step back and see him for the hot mess he is. Yup. Stepping back does help you look at things more objectively.
I can really start to see and truly feel that 1) I am not responsible for my H's affairs; 2) the marriage is not responsible for H's affairs; 3) that there is something deep inside him, that he doesn't even realize is there, that is causing him to react to things in his life with these maladaptive coping mechanisms; 4) that he is running from facing himself; and 5) that life with OW will not lead him to greener pastures (this last one is a biggy for me and still a bit of an issue, but I do feel it less and less over time; I can't say if that is because I think they are still really broken up or if it's b/c I am learning to let this go). All true. And maybe necessary medicine for him. And OW? Who knows? But a relationship built on chaos and hot mess is unlikely to be a good place long-term. And it was never about OW; it's about him being a hot mess and he carries that with him until/unless he does the work on himself.
One of the hardest parts of this for me still is the fact that there is nothing I can do about any of the above. He is no longer interested in my opinion and my words carry no weight. That is part of this process. And really, I am no longer interested in his opinion and his words haven't carried any weight with me for a long time. Is that part of detachment? Is that part of falling out of love? Yup. Yup. We're on opposite sides of the street. MLC man isn't interested in any opinion but his own or those who agree with him. We don't want the opinions of MLC to run our lives. It is detachment. Is it falling out of love? I don't know. Mr MLC isn't the man I love. If he turned up on my doorstep (and some people have had this happen), I think it would be easy to see the difference if the person we love was in their eyes and voice again, instead of the dead eyes/cold voice thing. That's the battered person we love.
I do still struggle with the difference between falling out of love and MLC. The lines between the two blur. Maybe they are interconnected. I do have trouble accepting the fact that his love for me is buried deep inside him. I'm not sure it's there. Admittedly, to maintain hope, I would like to see something more concrete on this. But that is MY want. Having blind faith in some things is really difficult for me right now. Understandable. I think this is the most painful thing for me. To see someone behave as if so many years of love and friendship are erased. I don't know if they still love us or even remember it. I do know that they did and we didn't imagine that. I do know that a healthy person can't end years of a shared life without feeling some regret and emotion about it. I comfort myself by saying that unless my H gets well, his take on it is not very reliable so better to trust my own judgement! But it hurts to go from someone to no-one, from wife to stranger or enemy. Detachment though does help you see how far from 'normal' that is, how a normal M falls apart as opposed to what we've experienced. I'm not sure people in crisis are capable of focusing on other people enough to do what we would see as love.
I also wonder if the reason I'm not seeing anything more concrete on the issue of whether he really still loves me is because I need to just let him go completely. Is the lack of evidence and the deepening detachment an indication that I am being freed of my bond to him. I still question whether I'm being released, so right now, the answer is probably, no I am not being freed. Yup and yup again. Maybe it becomes a different kind of bond? I've often thought how I would feel and what I would do if he'd died instead of becoming mentally ill. Would I still love him and miss him? Yes. But I would also have to let that love and yearning sit on a shelf because my H would be unavailable to me, and I would need to start living a different life without him.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I am done with my trial and was promptly greeted with a bout of stomach flu. I have not been up to reading or catching up and have been trying to sleep off this flu.
In the meantime, a short update.
H was away for training for about two weeks in August while I was in trial. It was absolute heaven. Not having to tolerate his passive aggressive nonsense was absolute bliss.
But alas, all good things must come to an end. When he got back, much of the same PA craziness.
His porn obsession is amping up as well. He is up to about an hour a day trolling free porn sites. Sometimes even visiting the ones where you can "chat" with the girls and tell them what you want them to do. Nice, huh. I am no addiction expert, but I tend to think an hour a day is obsessive/excessive. And I'm not anti-porn, to each their own. But I think his interest is corroborative of some kind of sex addiction. <-- Mind reading, I know. I'll stop now.
Strangely enough, H has been very nice and very helpful while I have been sick. It can be easy to get lulled into a false sense that something about him is changing when he behaves nicely to me. How sad that I have been conditioned to think behaving like a decent human being is a sign of "hope." I know otherwise. But I have to admit that there are moments I feel the pull toward false hope.
Realistically, I suspect he is up to something and that is why he is behaving so nicely.
I am continuing to make preparations for leaving. I hate to do it. I really do. I still want to have hope things will change. It seems to me, things rarely do for those marriages so deeply affected by MLC. This is so far from the family life I had envisioned. Sometimes, I still can't believe all this is really happening.
Or maybe God was using my dad to remind me of some things I needed to remember???