All of this brings me to my question, what do you all think? What is your perspective? Have you dealt with a similar issue?
Let it go? Give it a try? Why or why not?
Hello FightOn,
Are you asking about the situation with your husband or with your son?
If it is about your son, ask your pediatrician about it at your next visit if it is still an issue.
If it is about your husband, don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
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Hi FightOn, I'm. It sure what your question is either. Is it that you want to know if you should bring up the issue of your Son's stutter knowing H won't like or as he is in replay that you shouldn't bring it up again?
Maybe you should just take your so to your peadiatrician as Cristy says to hopefully put your mind at ease. You can let H know afterwards.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I should clarify my question - it is about talking to H about my feeling about how he treated my concerns. If I did, it would be something along the lines of, "I brought up something that was important to me and I felt dismissed and criticized afterward. Perhaps that was not your intent. I would like our interactions to change so that neither of us feels dismissed or criticized."
Fight, that conversation is going to get you nowhere. He doesn't care about your feelings at all. I think you keep expecting things of him that he just isn't capable of now.
I wouldn't have even mentioned the stutter. I'd take S to the doctor, keep note of it, and only tell him if there was some impact of when he was alone with S (like Dr wants a record of each time it occurs and circumstances or something).
I feel like you are trying to get him to parent and he just isn't there.
I agree 100% w/OwnIt. Your h is out to lunch and isn't going to step up to the plate and be the parent that you are expecting him to be. He's not capable of taking care of himself...so how can he be a parent? He's in teenager mode and we all know how teens can be at times.
As for your son's stutter...take your child to the doctor and he/she may recommend a speech therapist or someone who specializes in this field.
Unfortunately, you are having to be both parents for the time being. I know it's difficult...but you can only rely on yourself at the moment.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are telling me what my intuition is telling me. I just don't like it.
I do expect him to be a parent. I find myself confused at times by his actions. For instance, I see moments where it seems he is trying to parent. So in my mind, I think, he does want to parent.
I should know better. Part of this is me wanting him to step up.
Thanks again Job and OwnIt for your input. I think I needed confirmation from someone else to have the confidence to believe my gut.
I am reaching out again to this community to help me think through an issue I am experiencing.
Over the last week I have noticed that S has developed a stutter. He is two years old. Yesterday morning, when S stuttered in our presence, I brought it to H's attention. I told him I felt like this was something we should note and keep an eye on. (Isn't this what parents do? i.e., Monitor behavioral changes so they don't become a bigger problem later.) He immediately stated something along the lines of well, I have several questions about this: is this even a problem, how many two year olds do this, is this normal?
I am kicking myself because I allowed him to divert my attention (yet again) and answered his questions and did not address the underlying issue. Ugh.
The way I see it, these are pretty valid questions. How did he divert your attention away from the underlying issue?
You might be taking things kind of personally because of the way you guys interacted in the past. I wasn't there for the convo, but it seems like you mentioned something, he asked questions instead of blowing it off totally.....
You both noted it. Perhaps he is going to keep an eye on it too, but didn't verbalize it. he acknowledged it was there.
Ginger1 -- you are right, the questions, by themselves are legitimate. Nonetheless, he managed to divert my attention by never addressing of how to address this issue. We have not discussed it. Should we wait and see? Who should we talk to?
The conversation and his questions centered around the validity of my perceptions that this could be a potential problem.
Perhaps I am being overly sensitive; I certainly recognize that possibility, which is why I presented the question here.
On the other hand, I have felt throughout most of the marriage, my opinions and views have been discounted or outright dismissed. Many times when I bring up a point of view, H will take the opposite stance. He often has a "contrarian" attitude about my opinions and ideas.
Regardless, I have let it go with H and have chosen to act on my own toward what I consider S's best interest. The bottom line is I know I cannot count on him to take parenting issues seriously. And realistically, since we are divorcing, my interactions with him will be limited.
What I take away from this is I need to learn the very difficult lesson that he is not the person I thought he was. I need to constantly keep in mind that I need to solely address the parenting issues unless and until he can step up to the plate.
On another MLC related note, I got my haircut over the weekend. My hairdresser is also H's hairdresser. H and her have known each other for close to 20 years. She knows what has happened because I have told her; H has said nothing.
She told me that despite knowing him for 20 years, he keeps her at arm's distance. She has always thought it strange, but just figured that is the way he is. I find this insightful because I am realizing he does this to everyone in his life. His few friends have told me the same thing. I bring this up because I feel validated by having this information. It is something I can point to and say, okay, it all isn't just in my head.
She also told me he asked her for references for laser hair removal and a liposuction doctor. H has always complained that he has a "fat" gut. Nothing could be further from the truth. He is in absolutely amazing shape. But when he was a teenager, he as rather husky and had to shop in the "husky" section; this seems to be something that has scarred him. The hair removal is no surprise. He meticulously shaves himself. Everywhere. I will leave it at that.
He also went to get a pedicure this weekend. And he has been buying some new clothes. He hasn't spent more than $300 to $500, but that is a lot for him.
Saturday night S and I went to a concert in the park with some friends. We had a picnic and it was wonderful. The food was delicious, the music was spectacular, the company friendly and light, and the weather was perfect. I just love attending those kinds of events. I would have had a glass of wine, but I was driving and had S with me. I don't like to imbibe when I am out and about with S.
I got home around 9 p.m. and H was out. This is the first time he has gone out at night since BD. He came home at around 9:30 p.m. I didn't ask where he went, what he did, etc.
I can't help but feel he did this as way of giving me the big middle finger. I feel like it was out of spite. He literally has no one he socializes with. He hasn't gone out with friends in years and years. The only friends he has are these women.
He did end up letting it slip that he was found a part we needed to fix a broken ceiling fan and he got a haircut.
I thought maybe some of this replay behavior would subside after he served me. But it all seems to be increasing. Have others on here seen replay behaviors increase after being served?
It seems like he is desperately continuing to look for outside things to fix his inside issues. I wish he would spend half as much effort fixing his inside issues than he spends on his outside appearance. I can't control him. I know. He has to learn this lesson on his own. Too bad he has to blow up his family in the process.
My ex's replay remained with him right on thru the divorce and unfortunately, he's stuck after all these years. Some of they ramp up their replay activities when we are served and more so right after the divorce takes place. They get an euphoric high thinking that life is going to be oh so grand now that I don't have that old ball and chair wrapped around my ankle...but they soon discover in about 6-9 months that things aren't so great. Again, each one is different, some go thru the crisis and others remain stuck in la la land.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I haf H served with my Response. He was very angry. In it, I request sole legal and physical custody of S, with visitation to H, attorney's fees, and spousal support.
I think it was the last two that really caused him to blow a gasket.
After I put S to bed, he asked me whether we were going to talk about "that" as he pointed to my Response. I told him we could, just not that night. (I was tired, he was furious, and I had work to do.) I told him we should set a date and time in the future. He started in on whether I was gping to get an attorney, we have to do what is best for S, blah, blah, blah.
He was angry and I did not want to engage.
This was on the 26th and we haven't discussed a date.
The next day, Thursday, he stayed out late. He stayed out late on Friday as well.
Today, I am feeling sad over the whole situation. I do feel a lot of compassion for H and his internal struggles. I have been doing a lot of reading about Developmental Trauma, which has shed a lot of light on the behaviors I see. Maybe that is another reason why I feel sad.
I am also saddened by the fact that some MLCers don't come out of the tunnel. How sad for them and the families they impact. Meanwhile, we all have to sit by and watch them unravel their lives.
I look at the sweet innocent face of my S and I cannot understand how anyone can look into his eyes and not want to do their best for him.
