Flotsam, part II

[OwnIt]

I think this is more your issue than his. I am seeing that as a bit of a theme with you recently (like the yard work).

Given the MLC and the fear of death, I'll wager it is nothing more than he sees his own mortality in this man's death and would want to be remembered if the same thing happened to him. Sometimes people act like things are no big deal because they are in fact the big deal (my H refuses to acknowledge that his f'ed up mom who is the source of his drama has any bearing or impact on his life).

You have to detach more. You are in the anger phase of grief and everything he does at this point is pissing you off.

[Treasur]

I agree with OwnIt - I don't think his behaviour about his fellow officer is about you, I think it is part of his MLC churn and avoidance. Was his lack of emotion initially unusual for him? Not uncommon for men in tough professions, though. But the bracelet is inconsistent with that.

[FightOn]

Hi OwnIt and Treasur - Oh yes, this is MY issue, not his.

"Given the MLC and the fear of death, I'll wager it is nothing more than he sees his own mortality in this man's death and would want to be remembered if the same thing happened to him."

I didn't think of this ^^^. Thank you for sharing that perspective. This resonates with me so I do think this might be part of it for H.

Oh yes, he is pissing me off. Big time. I am working on detaching more. Just when I think I am getting the hang of it, I am tested. (Like the bracelet.) I think it is good. It helps me find the issues and work on them.

Treasur - I love the "churn and avoidance" description. That is exactly what they do, isn't it? His lack of emotion was not unusual for him, not at all.

I am working on not giving the why's of this too much more headspace. There is just no way for me to know.

The only thing I can do is work on the fact that this has stirred up a lot of emotion in me.

[OwnIt]

Fight I've been a lot more emotional lately and I think it is because I am finally letting go of all my hopes for an intact family for my kids. Everyone keeps telling me that my kids are doing great and it's me that is the problem. I'm seeing that now and have started with a new counselor with the agenda to just get over it already. Would love your thoughts on what I just posted on my own thread if you have a minute.

[FightOn]

OwnIt - You are not a problem. You have a problem that you are working very hard to deal with.

For all of us, our hopes and dreams of an intact family seem to evaporate before our very eyes. I know I share that feeling. It rocks me to my core. I strongly believe that family is one of the most important thing in our lives. Keeping it healthy and intact, should be a priority. For me, I strongly believe it is best for the children to have two parents in one home (absent abuse). I also believe that working on what you have is often the best course of action because you carry with you all your problems into your next relationship.

I believe in my vows and the promise that I made.

I am coming to realize that some of my disappointment in all of this also lies with myself. I am disappointed that I chose my H as a mate (but then again I wouldn't have S, so I carry a lot of mixed feelings around this one). I am disappointed that I didn't do the work to resolve my childhood issues sooner. I am disappointed in how I handled conflict in the marriage - I really wish I handled things better.

Part of letting the marriage go may mean resolving our disappointments with ourselves?

[OwnIt]

Fight, I think that is ultimately the key. I share the disappointment in choosing this person and the dilemma over what that would be like in view of my children.

By saying I'm the problem, I mean I'm the one who isn't moving forward. The kids are there and are getting frustrated with me. My friends, family and counselors are frustrated with me. None can understand why I don't file for divorce. I hear it from one or more people every single day.

I don't believe in divorce and do not believe that I should have to file as the person who upheld my vows as best I could. Yes I get that he is seriously messed up and will likely not be any better.

But, for now I have support that maintains our lives and has helped me get out of debt and pay my daughter's tuition, I have health insurance I don't have to pay for, I am not paying lawyer fees (yet), We have gone from outright enemies to neutral for the most part in our interactions with one another. I am learning a great deal about myself, what I will tolerate, what I won't. How I need to improve as a person and as a partner in a relationship. I am fighting from a position of strength and not taking the crumbs that are being set out for me.

The thing I am not mastering is not losing my cool now and again and wanting this to be over and resolved. I see that as more my control issues than anything he is doing. What he is doing is not greatly changing. He is paying the bills, sometimes he contacts the kids and sometimes he doesn't, sometimes he visits and sometimes he doesn't. He seldom contacts me and I seldom contact him.

I think the two of us are in a similar place and struggling with similar issues. Yours has filed, I don't think mine will. But then again there is no guarantee that yours will go through with it.

[Treasur]

The emotions are odd, aren't they? And how they can nibble at you and suck you into doing stupid stuff? And writing your own 'stories' which then upset you or make you angry?

I really resent how my H's actions have brought a whole bunch of dark WTF stuff into my life. At times recently, I have felt punch drunk by new WTF shocks. But I have also realised that I have invited that in sometimes and then felt a burst of rage about it. An example was that when we did speak briefly recently, STBXH said a couple of things which mind reading could translate as OW no longer being in the picture. I told myself to not take the bait. Then a few days later when I received a parcel and realised it was sent from the city where OW lives, I was furious about more lies... But here's the thing, the actual words he said were the normal MLC unclear blah...might have meant that, might not. I lied to myself in effect that I was detached and it didn't matter...meanwhile my head quietly spun a story...and then I got angry at 'evidence' the story wasn't true. Really angry.

But I chose the story. I chose not to ask him directly. I chose to go online and check the dispatch office for the parcel. I chose to replace the original story with one about him being a lying xxx. And I chose to let the anger ruin my day. I don't know the truth. I've just told him that I will not chat to him as he now wants. That choice was just about my boundaries, nothing to do with OW. We are not rebuilding but almost divorced, so OW is not relevant other than financial links. It was a self-inflicted WTF wound.

Fortunately, reading posts here helped me see that and I could also give myself a self-inflicted 2x4! The truth is that the more time we spend in their heads (or MLC lives), the less time we are spending in our own. We sabotage our own detachment and GAL. I think MLCers bring enough lies to the party; our job is to be as gently honest with ourselves as we can, and it's hard to look at your own squirmy bits isn't it? I can't understand much of my STBXH's behaviour but I can choose to understand what drives mine. How I can feel a mix of emotions all at the same time and how stories built on sand don't help. (I have a virtual self-created box set of him staying in our favourite hotel in Paris with OW, buying wedding dresses and sex romps by the coast if anyone is bored!)

[OwnIt]

Treasur you are indeed a treasure. I haven't had any insight to add to your thread but am impressed by your strength and your self-reflection. This really resonated with me.

[Treasur]

Thank you OwnIt...I am a while into this now, although didn't see it for MLC until about a month ago...duh

Tripped over a fab line from an old post by Nitty...my favourite silver lining for this week

"I've learned some valuable communication skills that will come in handy during extremely stressful situations, like, say, during a Zombie Apocalypse."

[FightOn]

Hi Everyone!

I am reaching out again to this community to help me think through an issue I am experiencing.

Over the last week I have noticed that S has developed a stutter. He is two years old. Yesterday morning, when S stuttered in our presence, I brought it to H's attention. I told him I felt like this was something we should note and keep an eye on. (Isn't this what parents do? i.e., Monitor behavioral changes so they don't become a bigger problem later.) He immediately stated something along the lines of well, I have several questions about this: is this even a problem, how many two year olds do this, is this normal?

I am kicking myself because I allowed him to divert my attention (yet again) and answered his questions and did not address the underlying issue. Ugh.

Notwithstanding that ^^^, which I believe I handled poorly (in retrospect, perhaps I should have validated his concerns, but then ask to continue to address mine? ). I felt criticized by his questioning. I felt like my concerns were sidelined and dismissed (we never really addressed the heart of the issue).

I do not feel like bringing this up again. Some of my reluctance stems from a lack of motivation in wanting to deal with H. Another part of it is a bit of a defeatist (I don't know if that is the right word) attitude. And what I mean by that is if past behavior is any indication of future behavior, and since he is still in replay, and since he is still behaving in a way to justify his behavior and choices, then what can I expect to gain by bringing it up?

Another confrontation? Most definitely. A conversation that goes nowhere? Yes.

I would love to show him that I can approach old problems in new ways. I would love to demonstrate my ability to discuss this issue without blaming or criticizing or raising my voice or get emotional.

But then I ask, where would this even get me? It certainly wouldn't turn the tide on the divorce. I don't expect him to suddenly have an "a-ha" moment, smack his head, and say "wow, I was wrong about us all along." Admittedly, I would like it to have an impact on how he sees things. However realistically, what I know is that we cannot do anything to influence or change them.

Then on the other hand I say, yes, while this one interaction may not have an impact, if we continue to have positive interactions in the future, can't THAT have an impact? Or is that hoping/expecting too much?

Am I afraid? Yes. I am afraid that bringing this up again will only provoke him into a fight. He will find a way to verbally jiu jitsu me into being the villain and ultimately giving him more justification for the divorce. I am not confident enough that I can defend my new insight without getting upset or led astray.

All of this brings me to my question, what do you all think? What is your perspective? Have you dealt with a similar issue?

Let it go? Give it a try? Why or why not?