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Why do you feel the need to be defensive?

What is the reason you came to these boards?

If it's just to support your choices, then say so. Then we know where you stand.

If it's to save your M and yourself, sometimes you'll have to listen, digest, and make changes.

Posters post for free, especially the vets,on their own time all with a common goal, to help others. Sometimes we tell people what they don't want to hear but need to hear to help them accomplish a goal.

You can take that personally, or you can really take the time to understand because you have a group of strangers who want to help you achieve your goals.

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Quote:
When I met my W, I worked out, rode motorcycles, played sports, built hot rods, would leave on a moment's notice to ride to the beach for the weekend (called it "gonzo traveling"), went canoing and slept in a tent, etc. THAT was the guy she was attracted to, not some super sensitive father type. When W left me and I turned into a quivering mess, everyone here said "you need to get back in touch with who you once were." I realized I had lost touch with that "rebel" I once was and had turned into a domestic guy mowing the yard, doing laundry, mopping floors, commuting to my white collar job every day. THAT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. I mean sure, women admire and respect a guy that gets stuff done at home. But what I am saying is that is not the sort of thing that gets them excited, makes them think about you when you're not around, makes them fantasize about you. By the way I did follow everyone's advice and got back in touch with who I once was, but I have the benefit of being older and wiser now so I can be sophisticated, domestic AND a "bad boy". I have a very young, very attractive girlfriend that is nuts about me, and I'm sure a lot of that is because of my changed attitude.


YES!!! whistle


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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You can't nice them back, my man. Your course is putting you on the path to D. I believe that whole-heartedly. I too once tried to nice my cheating wife back. Didn't work. Once I realized I deserved so much better, found my strength, stopped putting up with her sh*t, and made plans to move on without her and have a great life, man that changed everything. I went from pursuer to pursued. If you're the man of any lady's dreams then you'll be the man of her dreams.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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Man look at the two posts above me, I know I surely needed to hear that! My wife has told me months ago where did the Dale I met go. I became wild in a good way to Mr Geeky CPA with no life. Not saying you are doing this btw.

Also when I drink I start talking with a English accent and use the word bloody a lot! haha Figured Id break up the seriousness for a second!


M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year
T 7 Years

Wife left October 2016
Affair began August 2016

Me 31 years old
Wife 29 years old
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And park about my message above, that was not to be offensive. Hope you don't take it that way. While it is true, figured I would lighten the mood when a lot of the messages, including mine are sad and somber.


M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year
T 7 Years

Wife left October 2016
Affair began August 2016

Me 31 years old
Wife 29 years old
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
My advice does not change, and if you can see AS posted the same thing I did. Many posters have posted the same thing. I highly doubt we aren't all wrong and seeing things unclearly.


Often I will open a window and type a response while doing other things at work, so it can take me an hour or more to finally finish and send my response due to interruptions. Sometimes someone else has posted something in the meantime, as was the case this time with Ginger and 25. I did not see their posts until after I had sent mine. Which is to say, I wasn't repeating what they said, we were saying pretty much the same things separately. Why? Because you ain't the first cowboy we've watched in this rodeo smile Here's the best advice I can offer you right now- just stop everything you're doing and wipe the slate clean. Quit thinking you've got it all figured out. Forget strategies. Empty your mind. Take a couple of days to do that. Then....

START WITH A BEGINNER'S MIND:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=163492

Quote:
How SURE are you about things that are going to happen?

How much do you rely on the past, and the present, to predict the future? Especially about the "negative" things?

How would you see the situation you're in from an outsider's point of view? What if you were a third-party looking at the events that are going on in your life? How might you see things differently?

If you were to read your story on the board like it was someone else's thread, what would you post to yourself? What advice would you give to you? How well would you take that advice?!

If there was no past history to taint your views of the possibilities of things that could happen in the future, what might things look like?

If you were to put aside the "fact" that everything your partner is doing is meant to hurt you, what other possible explanations for some of their individual behaviors might you be able to come up with?

What areas of your relationship might it be helpful to "take off your blinders", and see things from a different perspective?

What does that dot that the teacher drew on the blackboard represent to you?!

What would your answer be to the "miracle question"? Your answer to how things COULD be, instead of the way that they are?

If you were to start things over from scratch, with a clean slate, what would your relationship be like? What would YOU be doing to help lead it into the right direction?

Now, empty your minds, and let's begin!!


Originally Posted By: Ginger1
A wise person once said " listen to understand, not to respond"


I LOVE THAT!!! I need to remind myself of that.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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I really needed to read these comments. Because W likes the nicer version of me. But I was never this extra nice guy and she fell in love with me. So being nice alone will not do it. I need to get back to the old me. The person was before I became a H and father. That person was bold and could careless if anyone wanted to leave him, because I had a philosophy that there were so many other women available. My issue is that I allowed time and comfort kill the person I was once was. All my GAL's have consisted of doing things I enjoy. But their all safe and peaceful. I need to go out, party and really enjoy myself. Come home with some real good stories...lol


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
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BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
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Originally Posted By: Tread
I really needed to read these comments. Because W likes the nicer version of me. But I was never this extra nice guy and she fell in love with me. So being nice alone will not do it. I need to get back to the old me. The person was before I became a H and father. That person was bold and could careless if anyone wanted to leave him, because I had a philosophy that there were so many other women available. My issue is that I allowed time and comfort kill the person I was once was. All my GAL's have consisted of doing things I enjoy. But their all safe and peaceful. I need to go out, party and really enjoy myself. Come home with some real good stories...lol


I mean that's really what married life is- settling down, having kids, creating a comfortable domestic environment, focusing on the family instead of ourselves, etc. It's ironic to me that we basically sacrifice our old self for the sake of the marriage and then later on get penalized with a BD for not being our "attractive" old selves anymore, LOL! So yeah, we need to get back in touch with who we were.

You weren't rude or mean to her before, but you were no doubt a lot more independent. You were happy with yourself and your life whether she (or anyone else) was a part of it or not. You took care of yourself and your appearance. Get back in touch with those attributes, and do it for you, not for her.

Years ago someone here used to post a Youtube clip that was from some movie, it was two guys having a convo about BD. I'm going from memory but one guy says to the other something like:

"So let me get this straight, if I want her back I have to act like I don't want her back, I have to be strong and independent. But I can't really just act, because if I do she'll know it's just an act and won't come back. So I really have to not care, because if I don't care about her then she will want to come back. Is that right?"

"Yeah, that's it!"

Wish I knew what movie it was from because I never did see it. Anyway, the point being that you not only have to find yourself, but you have to get to the point where you're doing it all for YOU and not for HER. Because as long as you do it for her it's just tricks to get her back and she'll see through that.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Mar 2017
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From Swingers

Mike:
Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Rob:
You don't call.

Mike:
But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Rob:
Right.

Mike:
So I don't call either way?

Rob:
Right.

Mike:
So what's the difference?

Rob:
There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Mike:
So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

Rob:
Right.

Mike:
Well that [censored].

Rob:
Yeah, it [censored].

Mike:
So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

Rob:
Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

Mike:
What do you mean?

Rob:
I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

Mike:
Well what if she comes back first?

Rob:
Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

Mike:
There's the rub.

Rob:
There's the rub.


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
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Hahaha! Thank you sir! I'm going to write that down on my "must see" list right now smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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