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AnotherStander,

You apparently think I have had a conversation with S13 already. Which I have not. Right now I'm just figuring out how to address a question that I know is coming. Not trying to make my son hate anyone, but if that happens, then W has to look in the mirror at how her actions caused that. And if S13 is mad at me for not being a better H, then I have to live with that.

Was seriously hoping to avoid this conversation. But my W telling S13 the truth last week changes all that. I have no plans on bringing up the topic, but my son is very mature for his age. And knows that he can come to both his parents with anything.


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Kaizen,

Thank you for that answer. It has to be the best one yet. People on here assume that I'm trying throw my W under the bus. But your answer puts me in a position where I don't have to cover for her A. And yet to destroy the efforts I'm trying to make with her.


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Alright i have been trying seriously detach. But its gone nowhere due tot he fact that my W is constantly in face. Spent the last two night going out to GAL and a great time. But when I get home, its W sitting or laying next to me on the bed. Telling me about her day or asking me about mine. Living in the same home makes this impossible. If you were looking at us from the outside you would find it hard to believe that we are on the verge of the BD.

I am validating, 180s and GAL. But still she doesn't want to be in the MR. At this point, I am going to give up detaching while were still in the same house. But I will do so whenever I am out of town for training. Which will be every other week over the next four weeks. Maybe that will do something, but its hard to really miss your H who is always there. And my 180 is actually being more attentive to her. But still giving her space.


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I have a question for the group. Saved up the phone records like I do every month for legal purposes. And I noticed that my W contacted OM 4 times. On May 17th W got a approved for a company trip to D.C. for May 22nd. That evening she sent OM one text(probably letting him know that she will be in the area). OM just happens to live in VA, which would be a few hours away. W found out on the May 21st, which hotel she would be staying in. Also one text goes out to OM that day(probably informing him of her exact location). W then sends a text out to OM on May 22nd right before heading to the airport. Then W makes a 2 minute call to OM after checking into hotel. Other than telling me that she has arrived. S13 and myself didn't hear from her until about 6:40am in the morning of May 23rd.

All clues point to W using this company trip to meet up with OM. Now I'm trying to figure out, if I should let this go or confront W. The main thing I want to know is why? Every excuse W used for having the A is no longer relevant at this point. But yet after not seeing this guy for months. The first chance W gets, it appears that she plotted and risked everything. Including her job, if they were to find out about this. To sleep with OM again.


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Talked with a pastor yesterday who suggested that I tell my W that I know all about her DC trip. Been avoiding that conversation for a few days. But going out of her way to possibly have sex with OM again was my boundary. Going to be a few days until I can get home for this conversation. So any advice on the matter would be helpful.


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Tread, just drop it, lose the desire for control (when it comes to W) and start your journey... Shoot, if you want control, walk up to her the next time you see her, look her dead in the eyes and tell her, I'm Done...

Then take your eyes off of her, from that moment on, just tell us about what tread and child is doing..


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What Coconut said, X100.

If I've been shaken out of anything since coming to this forum, it is that this is the ONLY WAY to return to the person you love that is trying to get away from you. THEY ARE TRYING TO LEAVE YOU.

Let them go. It's the only thing you will look back on and be proud of-no matter how your marriage turns out.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Coconut,

So your suggestion is to not say anything to W about it at all? I'm all in agreement in starting my journey. Already have made strides in 2017. And have so much more planned. My issue is that W is walking around thinking she got away with something and probably bragging about with OM as if she has me wrapped around her finger.


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Originally Posted By: Tread
And I noticed that my W contacted OM 4 times. On May 17th W got a approved for a company trip to D.C. for May 22nd. That evening she sent OM one text(probably letting him know that she will be in the area). OM just happens to live in VA, which would be a few hours away. W found out on the May 21st, which hotel she would be staying in. Also one text goes out to OM that day(probably informing him of her exact location). W then sends a text out to OM on May 22nd right before heading to the airport. Then W makes a 2 minute call to OM after checking into hotel. Other than telling me that she has arrived. S13 and myself didn't hear from her until about 6:40am in the morning of May 23rd.


Have you talked to a L about this or are you just assuming you need this info for "legal purposes"? Because if you're in a no-fault state then it doesn't matter. Regardless, by going through her phone records minute-by-minute you're just torturing yourself. Let it go and start the journey to building a better you.

Quote:
Now I'm trying to figure out, if I should let this go or confront W.


I wouldn't confront her specifically about your snooping as that'll just look like "more of the same" behavior to her. And besides, she's clearly stated she's on a path to D so her likely response would be "we're getting a D, I can do what I want now." If you wanted to confront her about the A in general, and say something like "I know you're continuing the A and I really do not want you under my roof while you're engaging in that behavior, if you want to live a separate life then go and live it" then I don't think that would be out of line. Legally you can't really force her out but you can certainly make it clear you don't want her there.

Quote:
The main thing I want to know is why?


Brother, that's one for the ages. We ALL want to know that. I was married 20 years and 19.5 of them were wonderful. 6 months before BD my W told me through tears that I couldn't let anything happen to myself, because she simply couldn't survive without me. 6 months later I got BD'd. It's been over 5 years since BD and I still don't know why. And I'm sure I never will, because she probably doesn't know either. And your W probably can't say why she's doing what she's doing.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

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Originally Posted By: Tread
I have a question for the group. Saved up the phone records like I do every month for legal purposes. And I noticed that my W contacted OM 4 times. On May 17th W got a approved for a company trip to D.C. for May 22nd. That evening she sent OM one text(probably letting him know that she will be in the area). OM just happens to live in VA, which would be a few hours away. W found out on the May 21st, which hotel she would be staying in. Also one text goes out to OM that day(probably informing him of her exact location). W then sends a text out to OM on May 22nd right before heading to the airport. Then W makes a 2 minute call to OM after checking into hotel. Other than telling me that she has arrived. S13 and myself didn't hear from her until about 6:40am in the morning of May 23rd.

All clues point to W using this company trip to meet up with OM. Now I'm trying to figure out, if I should let this go or confront W. The main thing I want to know is why? Every excuse W used for having the A is no longer relevant at this point. But yet after not seeing this guy for months. The first chance W gets, it appears that she plotted and risked everything. Including her job, if they were to find out about this. To sleep with OM again.


Dude, how is this detaching??? It isn't. She's got you wrapped around her finger and is loving every second of it. Stop doing this today. Stop lamenting your situation and start working on your new life. Instead of you obsessed with her comings and goings, she should be interested in yours. She isn't because you don't have much going on for her to be attracted to. Change that dynamic starting today. Seriously. It will help.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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