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I wish I could say the dreams go away. Well okay, for the very most part I guess they do. But just last night I had a dream about exW. It's happened before too. Now I can assure you I'm beyond done and detached. We never talk, been divorced 11 years, and I'd never ever take her back. Yet I've had dreams with her in them. They are just that, however - dreams. I've had dreams of being chased, kissing a really hot friend, getting accused of doing something I did not do. They are just dreams. Out of our control and if you ask me, they mean nothing. smile.

Last edited by Cadet; 06/23/17 10:48 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message

DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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kml Offline
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How did things go in court?

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Originally Posted By: kml
How did things go in court?



Good news/Bad news. Bad news first - the motion to dismiss was filed Monday (wtf??) and so the judge agreed to hear argument FOR that motion in September... cry

I'm bummed the motion was not filed sooner so the DA could drop it or set a damn trial date, etc. So this is yet another step. And another trip and more money, etc.

GOOD news - despite my "file the motion earlier next time" comment, I do like the lawyer. I believe the DA will drop the case once they actually finally review it (the DA had about 45 files on the table and it's clear we have an insane system for processing cases that is NOT speedy) I did not criticize the L we hired for several reasons, esp since d19 trusts and likes him.

I think the L is a little delighted/surprised to have a client who appears provably innocent, which I can personally attest to being rare when you are a defense attorney in criminal law.

It's one thing to believe a client's version of events (uncommon, too) but another thing to have film of it.

Good news #2 is that the photos and videos (taken from different sources including the idiot attacker who posted his own video, then took it down, BUT which my s31 kept a copy of)

all taken together show about 90% of the whole event. My kid is the victim.
I understand the police at the time wanting things to stay calm and arresting both people in an altercation, I mean, I GUESS,

but why on earth doesn't the DA and our L take 5 minutes to just look, and drop the case against my kid (and charge the idiot with assault b/c it's ON FILM...) sigh...


Oh, and The idiot was arrested again last weekend and he is in the news! Same guy who shoved and hit my kid is "famous/notorious" for being a professional agitator. I didn't know this was a real thing, like you can go around protesting, or protesting a protest, and somehow raise funds and live off this crap.

AND HE did not show up in court again, incredibly. Maybe he's off harassing someone else and asking for funding for his "defense of America" or whatever. That makes like 3-4 bench warrants out for his no shows...

Also on HIS site, he humbly calls himself "courageous, but not a hero"....who says this??

PROBLEM is my d19 does not want to be the poster child for any of this. But it's turning political. I mean, the idiot IS political and that's not a shot against the side he's on.

Heck, I probably agree with more than half of this moron's positions, though I'd bet money he's never read a book on a topic, and he clearly does not have a real job.

And he's violent and mean and dangerous and drinks way too much and brags about it and he's 28. I don't want him on my "team", if you know what I mean.

I'm not sure how to handle things if it really does get more public than it already is b/c I want to pursue all legal avenues of redress against this horrible person.


But it's D19's call, and she just wants it to go away.

Now working on college tuition for THIS fall. I cannot see a way to pay for it this semester. All based on h's past earnings so she won't qualify for aid, and from what I can see, no one officially cares that he cut her off,

and I'm unemployed. Ideas are welcome.

FWIW D19 is going into her junior year and has made Dean's list all 4 of her semesters and has a good solid support network.
It will kill her to take a year off, but I don't have alternatives yet.

I could not tell her this this week, b/c of the other crap. Oh and it's her birthday.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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PS

evidently h is in touch with d19, but they are obviously not close. I know they argue but can't say what about exactly. D19 mentioned to me that she told h he mistreated me and then - whatever....

H did not notice the birthdays of s31 or d28 & they have not spoken in months

None of the kids contacted h on Father's Day. So he's the victim again. Either b/c I "turned them against" him or b/c they are so ungrateful and spoiled.


I suspect his OW would like the money he "retired" from earning...
but I can't even go there. I mean, I hope I'm wrong about her.

I'll say this. Even when I'm fully ready to date, I won't date a man who is separated but not divorced

("what does sep mean to you? And oh, does your wife know you are 'separated'???) and if the guy has no r with his kids,

at this time of my life, that's too much baggage and it's a red flag to me. There are situations wherein kids can be turned but all of them?? And at this age??

H and I won't be married but he will still be their dad.

OH - h told d19 he's "not good at improving relationships"....

can't decide what that^^^ comment means, (it's almost like an insight)

but my reply - vis a vis our children would be

SHOW UP and SPEND TIME with them...it's not complicated


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 170
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I'm chiming in with no emotional support again:( Sure wish I knew what to say but I still like reading your stuff if that counts!

If you and H maintain separate residences and you take care of D, its possible it may fly on FASFA. You would be considered custodial parent. Its still possible school administrator would want to use H's income but hopefully she would qualify for needs based scholarship based on your income.

My specialty is tax and have done a few FASFAs for clients but its been awhile. Its worth a shot though.

Last edited by Cadet; 06/28/17 03:21 AM. Reason: Start a new thread message

M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year
T 7 Years

Wife left October 2016
Affair began August 2016

Me 31 years old
Wife 29 years old
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kml Offline
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What about H's parents - didn't you say he stands to inherit money? Maybe an appeal to the grandparents about what an excellent job D19 is doing in school, and how H has cut her and you off, they might come through with the money? (Or shame H into doing so?).


Also, are your older kids working now? Might they be in a position to contribute since their educations were paid for?

Last edited by Cadet; 06/28/17 05:20 AM. Reason: Combine posts
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Dale

thanks I'll try. H's income from 2015 (the last tax forms I have) is too high, not even close. And I'm a joint filer on that one AND the IRS says he under reported, so that's another complaint of HIS...amazingly

no taxes filed for 2016 and I won't sign any settlement till that is filed, again, jointly cry

But I will see what I can do.



Originally Posted By: kml
What about H's parents - didn't you say he stands to inherit money? Maybe an appeal to the grandparents about what an excellent job D19 is doing in school, and how H has cut her and you off, they might come through with the money? (Or shame H into doing so?).


it's crossed my mind often. I'm not sure what the heck h has told them (but I know he has bad mouthed me far far more than I ever knew, some of which is distorted to an insanely unfair level) and I was fairly close to my FIL"s wife. She told d28 something about h "always talking about Alaska, why is 25 so surprised he wants her to go.." And d28 told her "dad never talks about it at home", which seemed like a surprise to FIL"s wife.

I know h brought OW to meet them in their Mexico mansion. -Feels Like I never existed. That part hurts me a lot. Then again, to my family, h is dead. They recall him, but they dismiss him based on behavior they witnessed themselves.


Grandparents love our kids, & I THINK they loved me, and my kids are FIL"s only grandchildren. BTW he's a hard working self made but also selfish man, to be clear.

Oh & AND h complained loudly and often to them about d19. It's true that D19 gave us a harder time as a kid but to be honest and fair, we gave her a lot less than we gave the other kids in terms of TIME...(& now in terms of money I guess). And d19 noticed.

Just before Father's Day, she told h recently that HE "did not raise" her. H argued the point, but d19 said "Dad, let's do the math...you were 'commuting' or just living elsewhere for almost 9 of the 11 years we lived in house...you were Not there for me" And supposedly this was news to h. He said something like 'that seems like a lot"...

I mean, wtf?

SO BACK to the grandparents, why don't I /awk/tell them? I think I'm afraid. Yep, that's why I'm resisting this. Like somehow I'll be blamed, or ignored. OR b/c h has lied to people about what HE IS paying - which is a lie. And h might be crazy enough to believe it, you know?

According to my L, When the judge ruled that h pay "temporary support in the amount of X" - h turned to his L & said "I'm not paying that the rest of my life!" Dan, h's bff informed me that h told him he'd have to pay X amount forever.."

When I told bff "no, it's temporary and he hasn't paid anyhow"< his bff admitted that "H didn't tell me that part"...

So then I think about having d19 ask and then for her to be refused, OMG it would kill her heart. Ugh. So much rejection.

cry


Also, are your older kids working now? Might they be in a position to contribute since their educations were paid for?



They'd be willing but they are not able. Rather than explaining, suffice to say they're not able to at this point.

I feel bad enough about s31 taking on so much responsibility that ought to be mine or h's.

SO how can I mention this to the grandparents without sounding like I'm b1tching about h? Remember that h and I were on TV 14 months ago with a "wonderful m", which is the m I thought I was in...(freaking idiot, but I'll bash myself on that more later).

what about me saying (I knowingly say more than I should so you guys can edit)
this?

"Dear inlaws,

I'm Not sure what h has told you about our divorce but we obviously have very different narratives about our m. I'm baffled at some of the comments he has made to our children, b/c they are simply untrue & our children know this.

In any event, I thought you should know that h has cut D19 off of tuition, and is not in contact with our other children. This is not because of anything I have said or done, regardless of what h believes, tells himself, or says to others. He chose not to acknowledge their birthdays and he chose not to see them on his own and he chose not to be an involved father for a decade now. That's all separate from his treatment of me.

I hope the r's between them changes. FYI d19 is happier at college than anywhere before. She has made the Dean's list all 4 of her semesters. She has a good support system there.

H's income is used to determine financial aid and thus, d19 does not qualify even with her grades.

H told d19 that it is my fault he is cutting her off. This is both false & grossly unfair.

In case h has misinformed you, he's Not paying what the court ordered & h never has. H claims I had nothing to do with his career achievements or present earning capacity, but that somehow my professional resume & earning capacity "easily exceeds" his.

He has fought every single part of the most reasonable offers & his "negotiation strategy" seems to be to a scorch & burn, punish all family members for not validating his poor choices.

I can no longer help h with the illusion that he's a family man.

In any case, I thought you'd want to know that he's doing this to d19.

You are my children's only grandparents and I hope their relationships with you continues to be the source of good family memories that it has been for them and me.

Love, 25"


Below is what I WANT to say but a lot more calmly...


H has inflicted tremendous pain on the 4 people who loved him the most. H has betrayed me in every way a h can betray a w and is now betraying our youngest, most damaged child.

The wedge he has driven between himself, me and our kids, is exclusively a byproduct of his long term deceit, terribly nasty treatment and abandonment of us, and his utter lack of self awareness.

Due to h's demand that everyone -[i] even those who know ME,
validate his choices and his very public flaunting of his "happiness" - no matter how cruelly handled, our children see him a in very bad light. This infuriates h so much that he punishes all of us. Hence the financial stoppage.

That is going to eventually sadden h b/c he will have no descendants, OR it won't sadden him b/c he lacks empathy at a cellular level.

Besides, In his NEW replacement family h will spend time and your wealth, and h will be hailed in that world.

Life ain't fair.

Signed, the bitter scorned stbxw. "
[/i]


So, guess this^^ won't help?
cool


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Me-70, D37,S36
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