Sorry to read this Cil and I hope he's doing okay. I would extend an an offer of help should he need anything and he can then choose to reach out or not.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for the support and suggestions, everyone. I texted him soon after I posted, in between frustrating convos with D26 (she comes by her controlling nature naturally, I guess),and then had to go to a 3 hour class. He called about a half hour before the class was over, so I called him back while walking out the door when it ended. D26 says she prompted him to call before she left because "mom's really worried". He told me his story about how it hit him at night and he thought it was gas...took everything that works on gas and it just got worse. 2 hrs later while on the phone with his brother, his brother urged him to go to the hospital. Of course, he didn't. He finally called D at 4am but she didn't pick up til 5. He wanted her to drive him to see our family doctor an hour away (at 5?), but she took him to a close-by hospital. According to D (when I spoke to her again later), he still didn't believe he was going to have surgery even after they prepped him and told him that they believed his appendix had perforated! They were right, of course.
Anyway, he was in good spirits, out of pain, but kept saying he thought he would be at work by Thursday. Um, no. Fantasy land or wishful thinking. I told him I would call today to check on him...I'm sure the numbness from surgery will have worn off by now and he might feel a little less like conquering the world. He was upset by the fact that he didn't get some of the yardwork done and was freaking out a bit because Assistant A was having her bachelorette party at the river this weekend (he will be recovering there and he also likes to "host" by being available to help...and make pancakes). I emphasized that I was willing to help out however needed and he just said he appreciated that (I'm sure its a polite way of introducing "no").
In talking to both D's, they seem to be working out who will stay with him to have care covered. I've been insistant that they let me help, but after sleeping on it I realize that my reasons are controlling. I still have so much work to do on this aspect of myself. I'm feeling left out, pushed aside, helpless, and jealous. As much as I care for, worry about, and want to help him, those previously mentioned feelings are mine and have nothing to do with his feelings, which should be in the forefront. I've made my concern known, now I need to back off (aside from my follow up call to check on him this morning) and respect what ever wishes he has. Unfortunately, its hard to tell if what I get from D26 are from him or just her. Well, I made my offers and will again this morning...what ever will be will be. Bluhh.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Honey you know I love you, right? So here's my 2x4:
You've been fired from the job of being his wife.
That doesn't mean you can't be his friend.
So - if your friend was in this situation, what would you do in terms of assistance?
In other words Cil, how can he miss you if you aren't gone?
Detach. Detach. Detach.
This is an opportunity for chickens to come home to roost. He didn't want to be married, so he ought to know what that means - in good times and in bad.
No vengeance or vindictiveness intended towards him. Simply that you are not his wife, so don't act like it. Tough to do when you still care, and were married for so many years, AND it hits your core issue of being left out.
Step back. Treat him like a friend. Let the chips fall.
xoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks, Bfly! I'll take that well-deserved 2x4. As I said, I came to that same conclusion after sleeping on it; but hearing you say it (visually, on the screen!) just solidified the whole mental head-slap. I plead temporary insanity from worry!
I did do the follow up call this morning (actually I texted, he called) because I told him I would. It was nice and he really is feeling better(but sore), so Im good with the decision to back off. The Ds will take care of him. And I have a lot of reading to do...about therapy. Maybe I'll learn me some stuff...
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Still backed off, but I feel badly for D26 right now. XH still hasn't been released yet from the hospital, so she's been driving to spend the day with him every day (3hr round trip) while dealing with her own medical appointments and work. He doesn't want to see or communicate with anyone right now, so she's fielding all calls and is his only visitor. He only speaks on the phone to make sure business is being taken care of or if D26 is not there. She plans to take him to her house this weekend if he's released...I'm sure he'll fight with that idea, but not my problem.
I have not communicated with him since I said I would back off; only with her (although once while she was sitting next to him). For some reason, my head was spinning on the whole "I need to be there to speak to drs, help him, comfort him" idea as if we were still together, even though you all are right...I was fired from that. I'm very thankful for the 2x4 and support. Although I care about him, it really hit home that I really need no involvement in this. He asked that I be informed. That's all. Just like his family and office staff. I offered my help...twice. He heard me and appreciated it. I'm sure others have offered help in various capacities. But right now he only wants D26 to be there. I guess that's a gift I should be thankful for. So...I am. And it has been a load lifted from my mind.
Now I just feel better offering emotional and mental support to D26. She actually seems to enjoy venting and talking on the way home from her visits (everyday they say they will "most likely release him" then don't). I think it gives her a chance to vent before she gets home to her husband. Better my attention be turned there.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Just want to say that, from my vantage point, this is a time to sit back and really watch how he copes with all this. MLCers fear sickness, death and (I suspect) hospitalizations. I suspect he is facing some big fears in that room.
I know you want to help. But, this is a chance to see how this affects his behavior and then evaluate if this is what you want in your life. I do not mean to infer that you are a fair weather friend and walk off because things get tough/he gets sick. I know that is not you. But, is he going to be the sort who always distances in sickness? Has he always done this or is it new? Are you always going to be left on the outside due to his not letting people in and would you be okay with that? Because that is a certain kind of relationship. Clearly, you have a lot of love and kindness to give.
If I were "to do" anything? I might ask d26 to, offline, mention to one of his attending doctor's that he is going through a depression. Not sure if you want to involve her though.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Just want to say that, from my vantage point, this is a time to sit back and really watch how he copes with all this. MLCers fear sickness, death and (I suspect) hospitalizations. I suspect he is facing some big fears in that room. I'm kind of doing that, but my info is now filtered through D26. He has never been one to go to the doctor, but he is in medicine and is the grandson of a very well respected head of surgery. The worst patients, you know. He has been complaining of getting old, aches and pains, things not working as well as they should. A year before we separated, he had gone to our family doctor (who he had seen once in five years) to get his "midlife" exam...and a referral was made to see a specialist for another exam (you know...50 yr old man stuff). They called him, they called me, then they sicced his doctor on him when he wouldn't make an appointment (I took the message). When I asked him why he wouldnt call he literally SCREAMED at me. Yeah...its fear more than the arrogance I thought it was. Who knows what I'll hear, but I know this is not an enjoyable time for him
I know you want to help. But, this is a chance to see how this affects his behavior and then evaluate if this is what you want in your life. I do not mean to infer that you are a fair weather friend and walk off because things get tough/he gets sick. I know that is not you. But, is he going to be the sort who always distances in sickness? Has he always done this or is it new? He doesn't often get sick or doesn't allow it to matter. He has missed work 3 days since Ive known him, and that was with chickenpox, super high fever, and dermagraphia (stress related). He tries to ignore it or sleeps a lot, usually. That's how he deals with anything unpleasant...big mask if he has to be around others, and sequesters himself away from others to sleep it off when he doesnt. He's an "ignore it and it will go away" type.
Are you always going to be left on the outside due to his not letting people in and would you be okay with that? Because that is a certain kind of relationship. I don't know about now...he always would eventually open up a bit...he even has a bit before we stopped directly talking; when I "backed off".
Clearly, you have a lot of love and kindness to give. I do and I try. Thank you.
If I were "to do" anything? I might ask d26 to, offline, mention to one of his attending doctor's that he is going through a depression. Not sure if you want to involve her though. Our family doctor has heard me speak of my theory about his depression. I wasn't sure if XH still even considered him his doctor until D26 said he wanted to go there instead of the ER. As for bringing that up to an attending, I'm not sure D26 is all in on that idea nor if I would push that while he's fighting an infection. She's pretty protective of him right now...just like she was of me when I was depressed last year (she even mentioned that yesterday). She just sees it as taking care of her "aging parents" while we are helpless (eye roll). It is an interesting thing to observe, though, from my point of view. And my learning curve lately...steep.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
It is an interesting thing to observe, though, from my point of view. And my learning curve lately...steep.