Oh Cadence, how I wish we could find our way down off that roller-coaster. It's so hard. You think you've gotten to a good place and ready to handle the next whatever, then it comes, bam, and it hurts like a stab wound. I'd give you a hug right now if I could. I know we can't promote books but let's see if I can hint around at one I'm reading now that I think would be good for you too. ...
H just called and isn't coming Monday. BUT, we had a pleasant conversation. I didn't ask him if he re-scheduled. I just said OK, then can you go ahead and ship those clothes I asked for? Then we talked a while longer for him to walk me through 2 things here at the house that I couldn't figure out how to fix- garage door going down (eye was messed up) and gas grill wouldn't light (tank not attached right) and now both are fixed! We actually laughed a little.
I've made plans for all weekend to stay busy and also on birthday Monday, so it's all good. I wasn't even sad but just for like 15 seconds when he said I can't come Monday. And THAT'S a big improvement. Probably the medicine helped a whole lot with that.
Last edited by Cristy; 06/26/1709:45 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I felt ashamed to admit that I'd talked to a DB coach and didn't follow the recommendation. So I held back that information. And maybe I'm not following it because I'm a big chicken or because I don't feel good about how I look right now.
Hello cadence,
Please don't be so hard on yourself!
Don't be ashamed that you didn't follow the advice of your DB Coach. Whatever the reason, you just weren't ready.
It would be a good idea for you to have another session with your DB Coach. You could regroup and come up with a different strategy/homework. It is ok to tell your coach that you didn't do the homework and why. There are no bad grades like in school
Go ahead and call me at 303-444-7004 and we can look at the schedule and figure out a time that will work best.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I recognized it was a good suggestion, I just struggle with knowing that unless H deals with the stuff from his past, all it is going to mean is me getting sucked in again.
We do (did?) love each other, but I can't help the major thing that's wrong. I can help the day by day relationship, certainly.
I've been back to doing pretty well. I'm having busy days at work, and I've got a new gal at work who I like a great deal. And I think the feeling is mutual.
I was out on Friday night at an event with coworkers. It took me a long time to make friends, but now there's a select group of people who get together every so often, because we're all nice, giving, and laid-back people.
Then I just took it easy. I did some laundry, cleaning, and things like that. I slept like a rock. My dog who always wakes me up at 6am somehow let me sleep until 12:30 on Saturday. What the? I felt in a time warp for the rest of the day.
Something really jarring happened today.
My small department at work recently moved our office into a brand spankin' new one, off the side of a library. I work at a university and the library is a specialized one. From where I sit, I can see the lobby and entry/exit doors of the library.
I happened to look up from my desk, and who do I see? H's crazy exW. She's on her way out of the library and has her head craned to the side, looking at me.
I really don't know what to say or do. By the time I realized it was her, she was gone.
But I'm really upset. If there was a single solitary bright side to my R crumbling, it was not having to hear about her or see her. She is a strange blend of aggressive and clingy. We were never close. I said but a few words to her over the years, and she mostly treated me like I was invisible.
Also, she has zero business being there. She has the summer off from her work, but she does nothing even tangentially related to the library's focus.
I think the website recently got updated about our move.
I officially feel creeped out. I think she was there to see me. But not to talk to me, just to see me.
Part of me thinks you're reading her mind and assuming her being there is all about YOU...... but knowing what I know about her also makes me think you are exactly right. LOL. And we could BOTH be wrong.
Maybe think about it this way. She may have pretended like you were invisible all those years, but if she was there today being nosy, she gave herself away that you were never invisible to her and way more important than she would want you to know! Take it as a compliment that she was curious enough to make a trip there to "check you out!"
I hope you had your lipstick on.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
you're reading her mind and assuming her being there is all about YOU.
It's hard for me to detail how much it makes zero sense for her to be there without giving away too much detail about her or about me.
Quote:
but knowing what I know about her also makes me think you are exactly right. LOL. And we could BOTH be wrong.
No, we're right. I am so good at reading people, except when they are male and I love them. This woman is a pack of french fries short of a Happy Meal.
She was always walking/stalking by our place when we lived close to her, with her head craned. And she just couldn't leave us alone.
Quote:
I hope you had your lipstick on. smile smile smile smile
I didn't! And my posture probably wasn't great since I was stressed out and working on something on my computer. But she did get to see my nice big office in our brand new glass and light-filled space!
Journaling, but I'd appreciate any thoughts on this:
So, here we are. Mid-July. There is still no agreement on the house.
H finally got a lawyer after calling my mother toward the end of May and hearing that it wasn't likely that I'd want to work with him one on one. He'd been spewing at me and trying to pick fights before I moved out, and that's not someone I trust to have my interest in mind.
He and his lawyer drafted an agreement with a paltry amount going to me. My lawyer and I rejected it. Then there was a long stretch of nothing happening. His lawyer was, in my lawyer's words, "nagging" him about us putting something together. My lawyer asked me to put together an accounting of all my extra expenses from this, which I did, and asked that he not share it with H or his lawyer. It was simply to identify my bottom line.
I did a great deal of soul searching, trying to figure out what amount I'd feel comfortable with. I didn't want to be vindictive, but I also didn't want to protect H from consequences of his own choices. I wanted it to be about me. So tallying my expenses that came as a result of his decision was incredibly helpful to me. That's what I want - to be reimbursed for the fallout of his unilateral decision.
H wanted to get it on the market as soon as possible. Again, it's July now.
My lawyer got back in touch with me, and wanted to know if I wanted to draw something up. He sent me something where I ask for cash up front in exchange for agreeing to all the terms of (future) sale. It's much more than I want, with the intention of negotiating down.
However, I'm stuck on this thought: How is this MY problem? Why should I be paying for my attorney's time in drafting documents, rather than receiving them from the guy who so desperately wanted to get rid of me and the house?
Obviously, I don't want to drive him to throw his hands up and get the property foreclosed upon. I think that is unlikely, since he has a significant amount invested in it, and I don't. I have a little bit. He has much more on the line than I do.
I really don't want to speculate too much on what is going on. If I had to guess, H is frozen, as he gets when he incurs too much stress. I am guessing the post-Cadence life isn't as breezy and filled with carnal delights with intelligent, sane, and beautiful women. I am guessing he has heard from a select few people "You did what??! But you seemed so happy."
But, I know nothing. He hasn't reached out, and it's not my job to reach out and try to solve this for him. I was always the rational balancing personality when he was mired down in stress (mostly caused by the ex-wife) in the past, and that's not my job anymore, because he fired me.
I am comparing myself to those who stand, who don't file for D and let their S be the one forced to make that call. I am thinking about me. I don't want to draft an agreement and have that on my shoulders when I never wanted any of this in the first place. I don't want to pay the elevated rate for my lawyer to prepare documents. I want to concentrate on work and school, since H's springtime shenanigans meant that I lost my 4.0 GPA (I'm down to 3.97 now, and I'm mad as heck about it).
So, folks, how is this my problem? Am I right to not want to propose any terms, force him to drive the sale if that's what he wanted so badly, and do nothing other than respond to his proposals?
I am in a similar place to you in some respects. First, you know that real estate has a season and in general it is before school starts. You are getting late in the year. Talk to your realtor and find out how much a sale in a colder time, for e.g. January-March would cost.
If you don't want to sell and move then I don't think you should be paying for the lawyer (and remember I am a lawyer). I was doing ok sitting tight until I decided that I actually want to move. Our house has appreciated a lot and in addition to regular realtor fees and a transfer tax I'd have to pay 25% of proceeds to the IRS if I sell before next summer. Uh, no thanks. Oh yeah, and mine is avoiding the separation contract using every trick in the book (I never saw it, I'll get to it soon, it's not acceptable--but I won't say what exactly I don't like about it).
Therefore, if you don't have any other impediments, and don't want to move, don't push the agreement. Keep in mind though that he could file for the divorce and then you will be paying a lot more to the lawyer.
Just some clarifications on my sitch: I am not living in the home. I moved out. H has two kids, and I am just me. He was making it unbearable for me to live there, and given that they are a family and I'm an outsider, I couldn't stay. I did my best to stay sane and calm while there and not give him more ammunition, but he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. He had plenty of notice that I was going, but as he learned I was serious, he'd say "no one is making you leave".
He put down money on the house. I didn't. I was making payments toward it, and when I told him I was leaving, I told him that I wouldn't be making those payments because I could not afford two places at once.
He had been engaging in some magical thinking, where he thought the house would sell quickly, that he'd incur little financial consequences, and he'd get his "downpayment back." I can't tell you how many times I heard that phrase. This would be selling less than a year after we bought it, and it was a fixer upper. The only way to make money on it would be to make improvements. That was the plan for us to do for the next 5-7 years, until he got angry and simply had to end our relationship and sell the house.
I moved.
He was in a rush to sell, but isn't pushing it forward now. He has much more to lose in this than I do, especially if I pushed for half of the proceeds as we are on the title 50/50. Many in my life tell me to do that, and I just don't think I could be happy with myself if I did.
I got an attorney through my employer's Employee Assistance Program before I moved out. H was acting very irrational, and I was scared. I wanted to protect myself against foreclosure - again, not because I lose much, but my credit would tank.
H always had this vision of us working out the terms of sale, but after how he treated me he was the last person I wanted to trust. I wouldn't meet with him and he had to get his own lawyer.
So that's where I'm coming from. Also, we were not married, just making the plans to make that happen when he decided it all needed to end.
As for maximizing the selling price, that's nothing that I'm concerned about. I plan to ask for a flat fee. As for selling it quickly, I'm not making the payments and I've already moved, so that is also not something that I'm concerned about.
My heart aches through all of this, as it's not easy for me to think of H potentially suffering, but I did all I could to prevent him from getting himself into this mess, but he insisted. So now he's there, in the mess. There is really no reason for me to rush or to pay more to have my lawyer create agreements, right?
Sounds like the only issue you really have is that your name is on the mortgage, correct?
Do you have any other entanglements with him?
If he doesn't pay the mortgage then obviously it will go into foreclosure and assuming there is a loss on the books you will get a credit ding (7-10 years is a long time).
If you aren't planning to move or finance any major consumer debt like a car, then it probably isn't the worst thing in the world.
So what has he hired the lawyer to do? Come after you for 1/2 the mortgage payments or the down payment? Unless you signed some kind of promissory note to him then I don't imagine he has any legal recourse regarding the downpayment.
Interesting situation, but not one that seems to be much that you can do anything about.
