Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
It's been a while since I have been on the boards.

I have been pretty busy with selling the house, trying to get things packed, donated, cleaned ..... and then finding a new place to live, and then working on top of all of that. But, I am happy to report that the house sold, everything is packed and in storage. I found a place to live (one of the physicians in our group has allowed me to temporarily live in one of her places) and I am all moved in. We close this Friday....fingers crossed.

Things with H have been interesting. I don't really know how else to describe it. Obviously we have spent a lot of time together, due to getting the house ready to sell. After it sold, we were still spending quite a bit of time together packing, cleaning and everything that goes with that. He has been more attentive to me. By that I mean he calls or texts on a daily basis. We speak about the house, but we also speak about a lot of other things as well. Our conversations, for the most part, are pleasant. He tells me about his day, and asks me about mine. We have gone on a few "dates" recently and those have gone well. My birthday was a few days ago and he got me a card from himself and a separate one from the dogs, and put them in my vehicle so when I got off of work they would be there for me to see. I thought that was pretty thoughtful of him to do. He did mention in the card that he is looking forward to us having some fun now that the stress of the house selling is over.

I do still find myself wondering just what the heck is going on between us, but I have decided not to ask that question anymore, or to spend too much time on it. I do not feel that we are piecing, but I can definitely see why people say that it can be more difficult then other areas of this MLC. He says he wants to "get to know me again"....... not really sure how I feel about that? That makes me feel that everything that happened (the affair) was as a result of me and who I was, or how I was acting, and nothing to do with him.

Whenever we are together, there is no outward affection in public. It usually happens when either one of us is leaving, and he is the one that initiates the goodbye affection, not me. I did mention that I found it odd that he kisses me good bye, or tries to initiate intimacy only in our homes, but never in public. I asked him why that was, and was it because he doesn't want anyone to think there is more going on. He said he doesn't think or feel that way at all crazy

I did ask him some questions about a female that he spent some time with prior to us speaking again. This is the same female that I have had issue with because she asked him out on a date a few weeks after we separated, and she knew he was still married. He did say that they both were interested in possibly pursuing something, and that they went out a few more times, but that they decided that the time was not right, and they stopped. BUT, they are still friends, and they speak and text and she is a client of his. I told him I have a big issue with that, and as long as he is spending time with her......talking or texting, that I had no desire for him to be in my life. I basically said "it's here or me" ....... probably not my best moment, but that was how I felt. He said they don't really speak much, but when I asked him to show me his texts from her or any other communication from her, he wouldn't. That made me very suspicious. Obviously he still speaks to her, and has things on his phone from her that he doesn't want me to see, or things that he doesn't want to erase so that he can show me. I asked him to show me his phone and let me read texts from some of his other friends and he said he felt like by doing that I didn't trust him. WELL.....I still don't.

He continues to be deceptive with hiding texts, or phone calls. When someone texts me if we are together I share it with him. He does not do that with me. That does not instill trust in me, and I have told him that. Not really sure how to handle that?

I told him I have some very hard and strict boundaries when it comes to things in my life now, and if he can not or will not stay within those then I will be just fine with him not being in my life. I think he was shocked to hear that, but I really meant it.

So I continue to move along with my life, and continue to make decisions that are best for me. I do sometimes find myself wondering how a decision I make might have an effect on him, but that usually does not last for long. I am not being selfish, but I am looking out for my best interest.

One day at a time.....

I hope everyone is doing well these days wink

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Promising update!

Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
So H made the last and final walk through the house this evening after cleaning everything up. He called me to let me know as he was leaving. I asked him "did you wave goodbye as you drove away?" He said he had a moment of pause and sadness as he drove off, and the reason for that was because he knows that he is the one to blame for me wanting to sell the house, and is also the one to blame for all of these changes going on in my life.

He said he knows that the choice he made to have the A ruined our marriage, and the life we had together. He also acknowledged that he understood why I didn't want to be in the house anymore. He said that he is sad because we built that house, and the memories in it together, and he ruined it by his choice to cheat. He then said "I'm sorry."

I didn't really say much, I just listened. I did end up saying "we definitely need to think about our choices in life because they don't just affect us, and as we have learned, those choices can have a huge effect on others."

I don't have any emotion about selling or moving out of the house. The way I look at it is this..... it is something that was a part of my life that doesn't exist anymore, and it is just a house. I can make new memories in a new place (with or without H) smile.

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
I am astonished how much progress and work you made on yourself since last December, you are such a strong woman, I am amazed by your transformation. I am so happy that you finally find some inner peace in that mess and you are rebuilding a life for yourself.

It seems that your H is entering a new phase, he is now able to look back at what happened without putting the blame on you anymore, that's a real change.

On my side, life is much better than last year or the previous years.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
Hey SKM, sounds like your H is regretting his choices and good on you to point out the ripple effect it has had on everything and everyone else around him.

I just wanted to wish you well as you enter this new stage of your life. Keep moving forward as you have been and let H see if he can keep up with you!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
Coly and Skyhigh...............thanks for the encouraging words. Sometimes I look back at when I first came to this board and I am amazed at where I am at today. Never thought I would be here, that's for sure smile

Closing went off without any issues. H sat next to me and signed and initialed every piece of paper he was instructed to, and basically sat there in silence. I could tell he was feeling very uneasy, but honestly it was the reality of the situation. When we were finished, I wanted to get him out of the office as quick as possible because I knew he was uncomfortable. We went to grab a bite to eat, and he tried to pay for lunch and his card was declined, so I'm sure that was another uncomfortable moment for him, but another reality check for him. I didn't end up ordering food, but I was fine having to pay for it for him.

I was driving back to work after just leaving H, and he called me to tell about how reality continues to sink in, and how sorry he was about putting me in the position of wanting to sell the house. He said he is really trying to express his feelings and emotions and wanted to call me and let me know how he was feeling, instead of sending it in a text. I thanked him for that.

Didn't hear from him for the next 2 days, which I thought was odd. I texted him asking if I could have the dogs as I have several days off. He immediately called me and said he could bring them over right then if I wanted. It was 10pm so him offering that was a bit odd to me, and given the fact that I moved 30 minutes further away from where the old house was, and of course 30 mins further away from him. He did bring them over that evening and we took them for a walk and spoke again about selling the house. After getting back to my place, he feel asleep on the couch. I went to my bed and the next thing you know here he comes climbing into bed with me, and trying to initiate sex.....which I politely turned down smirk

The next morning I was not amused about his actions the day/night before so I mentioned that to him. I told him I found it odd that I had not heard from him for a few days, then all of a sudden at 10pm he is ready to drop everything and come over, and not to mention assume that he can climb into bed with me and try to have sex. He apologized for trying to have sex. He also said he felt like he was going back into "his hole" since selling the house and the finality of closing on it. We spoke about other things and basically I reiterated to him that I am moving forward with or without him, and that I would be fine moving on in my life if things between him and I did not work out. I also mentioned that I thought he could continue to live in this limbo forever, but that I could and would not.

He said he is still trying to get to know me again, even though he knows I am still the same person. I politely corrected him and said "I am not the same person I used to be since BD" ..... he agreed. He likes the changes he has seen in me. I told him that I would be fine if he filed D papers and he said "I didn't say I wanted to file for D." He then said something that I think I know what he meant, but am still trying to decide if I am right. He said "I want physical touch with you, and I want to be intimate with you and I still have love for you." He then said, "that's why I signed 'love H' in your birthday card." I THINK HE IS TRYING TO TELL ME THAT HE LOVES ME BUT JUST DOESN'T WANT TO COME OUT AND SAY IT??? crazy

Anyway.....we spoke about other things and in no certain terms I told him that I never wanted to see his parents ever again because of how they treated me during this separation, and all of the horrible things they said about me. And if I am honest, they never really cared for me anyway. They never asked about me, my life, my family and never expressed interest in getting to know me at all. I told him that I realized that by me telling him that I didn't want to see parents it could also make him never want to see me again, but I am willing to take that risk. I told him I did not marry him for his family. He said he appreciated me telling him all of that. We ended up spending the rest of the day together, and had dinner and nice conversation.

So, I guess I will see what happens now. Sometimes I feel like I want to go ahead and proceed with the D because

- is this man really ever going to be able to make me trust him every again. He STILL hides texts messages
- will he ever be able to be transparent with me
- he is still speaking to that female client of his who he is so reluctant to give up their "friendship" .... the client he wanted to pursue having a relationship with
- is he ever going to be able to pay off all his bills
- is he going to let his guard down
- is he ever going to be able to be happy with what he has
- does he really want to be with me, or is he just afraid of being alone

So, I am continuing to move forward with my life, and continuing to try and answer all these questions smile

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
skm

Just read a bit and wanted to chime in here just a little bit as a few things jumped out at me in your post.

Originally Posted By: skm0619

I was driving back to work after just leaving H, and he called me to tell about how reality continues to sink in, and how sorry he was about putting me in the position of wanting to sell the house. He said he is really trying to express his feelings and emotions and wanted to call me and let me know how he was feeling, instead of sending it in a text. I thanked him for that.


One thing I have learned with MLCrs is the driving source, understand that this crisis is a form of depression. Throughout this depression will be waves of guilt as they spiral to the bottom you will see just what he is showing 'what have I done' but they still seem not to be able to help themselves and continue to do the things they believe will make them happy.



Originally Posted By: skm0619

Didn't hear from him for the next 2 days, which I thought was odd. I texted him asking if I could have the dogs as I have several days off. He immediately called me and said he could bring them over right then if I wanted. It was 10pm so him offering that was a bit odd to me, and given the fact that I moved 30 minutes further away from where the old house was, and of course 30 mins further away from him. He did bring them over that evening and we took them for a walk and spoke again about selling the house. After getting back to my place, he feel asleep on the couch. I went to my bed and the next thing you know here he comes climbing into bed with me, and trying to initiate sex.....which I politely turned down smirk


So in a way you threw out a line and he quickly reacted. I see his reaction, and the stunt in the bedroom as an anchor check. He hid till you contacted him as he is dealing with the house selling, I know you wanted the dogs but this would have been a good time to let him sit in it a bit IMHO. Something you will have to do through this .... the MLCr has to figure this out for a bit on their own.


Originally Posted By: skm0619

The next morning I was not amused about his actions the day/night before so I mentioned that to him. I told him I found it odd that I had not heard from him for a few days, then all of a sudden at 10pm he is ready to drop everything and come over, and not to mention assume that he can climb into bed with me and try to have sex. He apologized for trying to have sex. He also said he felt like he was going back into "his hole" since selling the house and the finality of closing on it. We spoke about other things and basically I reiterated to him that I am moving forward with or without him, and that I would be fine moving on in my life if things between him and I did not work out. I also mentioned that I thought he could continue to live in this limbo forever, but that I could and would not.


Its good you called him on his stunt. However the highlighted portion .... just like here ... actions not words, don't tell him what you are doing ... just do it, if he catches up great, if not ... its on him.



Originally Posted By: skm0619

He said he is still trying to get to know me again, even though he knows I am still the same person. I politely corrected him and said "I am not the same person I used to be since BD" ..... he agreed. He likes the changes he has seen in me. I told him that I would be fine if he filed D papers and he said "I didn't say I wanted to file for D."

I would caution about planting this seed. He may be one of the types who will just go through the crisis without the need to file and you may get fed up and file yourself, but seems this approach is more of a bluff you are calling... you may very well be fine if he filed, but I do not think this is something you truly want so if you do not ... do not bring it up, if you do .. again, actions ... just file if thats what you want to do and you are ready to move on. When I find myself here I recall the quote "I may give up, but not today" that helps me get through one more day.

Originally Posted By: skm0619

He then said something that I think I know what he meant, but am still trying to decide if I am right. He said "I want physical touch with you, and I want to be intimate with you and I still have love for you." He then said, "that's why I signed 'love H' in your birthday card." I THINK HE IS TRYING TO TELL ME THAT HE LOVES ME BUT JUST DOESN'T WANT TO COME OUT AND SAY IT??? crazy

He may love you ... but at this point its not quite enough is it ... given the list you have posted below that I will address.


Originally Posted By: skm0619

- is this man really ever going to be able to make me trust him every again. He STILL hides texts messages
- will he ever be able to be transparent with me
- he is still speaking to that female client of his who he is so reluctant to give up their "friendship" .... the client he wanted to pursue having a relationship with
- is he ever going to be able to pay off all his bills
- is he going to let his guard down
- is he ever going to be able to be happy with what he has
- does he really want to be with me, or is he just afraid of being alone

So, I am continuing to move forward with my life, and continuing to try and answer all these questions smile


Thats quite a list ... about 'him'. To truly move forward this list will have to become more about you than him. I suspect once the selling of the house subsides you will see him drift a bit further as he checks off his list of "Things that make the MLCr happy" and even after that list is done it takes time for them to come to terms that there is something else off.

You are doing well in this, use this time to work on you. You will not be sorry you did regardless of the outcome.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
S
skm0619 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 213
Thanks for your great responses Caliguy smile

I agree with what you have said. As much as I would like to think he is progressing in this MLC, he continues to show me that he isn't.

I want to believe that he is doing things and making decisions with less selfishness, but unfortunately he isn't. As much as I would like to think that when he returns a call, or answers a text message (when before he wouldn't), is a sign he is improving, honestly these are things that most polite, non selfish people do without having to think about it.

I really do mean it when I say I would be fine if he filed for D. But I know that he won't because he lacks the courage to make such a difficult decision. I have already filed in the past, and he didn't sign the papers, so if there is going to be any D at this point and time......it will be filed by H, not me.

I haven't brought that subject up in a very long time, and I don't plan on bringing it up again. He knows how I feel, and I am pretty sure he can sense that my life continues to move forward and quite frankly has improved since all of this non sense has happened, and his remains stagnant.

It is a long list of things about HIM, but I guess I need to see that he is making changes in those areas before I would even consider taking steps to think about any kind of reconciliation. If he cant be transparent, or feel like he has to still hide certain things, then he definitely is not the man for me. I know that all of that is about control for him, and that is something he has to figure out on his own.

I can totally see where people just decide that this is too much work and decide to move on without their spouse.

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
skm

I have been there ... its really easy to get caught up in every little move they make and analyze it trying to predict a tunnel emergence ... truth is... MLC takes time and a watched pot never boils.

As far as the D issue is concerned ... the way I have personally approached it is this: I am coming up on about 4 years of this, I do not really consider myself married at this point but according to the state I still am at the moment. The D is in process and I have no idea how long it will take before its finalized, again ... almost 4 years later. That paper that will say "Cali you are officially divorced" at this point is not going to change my life, nor what I do. May only give a semblance of closure but I really don't think the LBS will get that from the D papers as this all makes no sense how the MLCr seems to explode like a buried torpedo leaving the LBS dazed and confused for some time.
Bottom line, the D does not change my day to day, maybe one day when I decide to enter into a relationship and it moves forward then we will see, but no sense wasting energy towards that as right now I have plenty of work to do on myself.

The 'List of Him" .... I get it .. I really do. I think after all we have been through its really easy to set up criteria of what we need to allow them back in, however ... he has yet to knock on the door in that way, and until he does making such a list only fuels into the negative/punishment of all this.
I entered into a relationship last year, it only lasted a few months and ended. I was thinking during that time how strange, for me to be with my MLCr I required a list about 10x larger than yours, yet for this new person I was open to about anything. That's when I realized I still wanted to punish her for what she did .... and I get it ... we need to trust them and they demolished that, but you know what? Its up to them to earn our trust ... it is not up to us to tell them how to do it.

I had a touch and go about 2 years ago, I had a similar list, the transparency was one, know what happens? They show you what the want to show you, they do what they want to do .... in my case she had a second phone. Yup ... 10 months later I discover the OM is still in the picture, she just went to deeper lengths to preserve that rush. I only share this to show that until they are out of this crisis and show full remorse and willingness to earn our trust and rebuild the relationship its pointless to have a To-Do list
That list should be a simple "What I want in a partner" tyupe list and be applied across the board.
I recall reading something some time back about how if one has to waste their energy looking around and making sure that person is faithful then its really not a relationship any of us would want.

He is not there just yet, till then look inward and see what you can do to become a better person for your own sake.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
S
SBJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

As far as the D issue is concerned ... the way I have personally approached it is this: I am coming up on about 4 years of this, I do not really consider myself married at this point but according to the state I still am at the moment. The D is in process and I have no idea how long it will take before its finalized, again ... almost 4 years later. That paper that will say "Cali you are officially divorced" at this point is not going to change my life, nor what I do. May only give a semblance of closure but I really don't think the LBS will get that from the D papers as this all makes no sense how the MLCr seems to explode like a buried torpedo leaving the LBS dazed and confused for some time.
Bottom line, the D does not change my day to day, maybe one day when I decide to enter into a relationship and it moves forward then we will see, but no sense wasting energy towards that as right now I have plenty of work to do on myself.


Cali, I think that the timing is what alot of us have a problem with. In my case the D papers are ready to sign and it's just less than a year from BD.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

The 'List of Him" .... I get it .. I really do. I think after all we have been through its really easy to set up criteria of what we need to allow them back in, however ... he has yet to knock on the door in that way, and until he does making such a list only fuels into the negative/punishment of all this.
I entered into a relationship last year, it only lasted a few months and ended. I was thinking during that time how strange, for me to be with my MLCr I required a list about 10x larger than yours, yet for this new person I was open to about anything. That's when I realized I still wanted to punish her for what she did .... and I get it ... we need to trust them and they demolished that, but you know what? Its up to them to earn our trust ... it is not up to us to tell them how to do it.


So, you think that we should have a list for us. A list for our improvement and about things that we need. But, we might make a list that our mlc'er might not ever be able to live up to.

Originally Posted By: CaliGuy

I had a touch and go about 2 years ago, I had a similar list, the transparency was one, know what happens? They show you what the want to show you, they do what they want to do .... in my case she had a second phone. Yup ... 10 months later I discover the OM is still in the picture, she just went to deeper lengths to preserve that rush. I only share this to show that until they are out of this crisis and show full remorse and willingness to earn our trust and rebuild the relationship its pointless to have a To-Do list
That list should be a simple "What I want in a partner" tyupe list and be applied across the board.
I recall reading something some time back about how if one has to waste their energy looking around and making sure that person is faithful then its really not a relationship any of us would want.


I agree with the list thing. If you don't have trust and transparency, there is no need for a list. I had a mini touch this weekend that I totally misread. I have to harden the eff up a bit more. I guess I was hoping that she would emerge from the tunnel before I had to sign the papers. Here in Texas, once both parties sign the D papers it goes to the judge. Once signed by him you have 30 days to make changes or cancel and then it is final. WOW! Seems fast to me.

Sorry to hijack skm...


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard