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Originally Posted By: DonH
Why does everyone need to know where I'm having lunch or whatever? I guess it looks like I lead a very boring life and never go anywhere. Not at all the case. I just rarely post about it. to half a year they break up and they go back and either

I see friends who post all sorts of things about or with a new girlfriend or a new boyfriend. Then in a couple of months delete or hide all of the posts after they break up. I can't tell you how common this is. Perhaps it's a "thing" and I just don't know it?

Yet, I do enjoy seeing what everyone else is up to. Where they are, what they are doing. Others say they enjoy hearing the same from me. I don't know, it's just not for me I guess.

I know I'll never get married again. Wonder if I'll ever change my FB status to "in a relationship"? That really would be a milestone for me!


First, Don, because FOOD IS LIFE!! But don't check in unless I get to see your meal.

A week before FF and I broke up, my friend asked me why I hadn't changed my FB relationship status. I said because 1) I am superstitious and it feels like a jinx, the second I post it, it will end and I will have to explain.
2) People who really know me, will know I am in an R.

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Now I can say, that's something I've never done - posted a picture of my meal. Lol. I have "checked in" a few times - nearly always out of state.

See, had you changed your status... You'd have said "I knew it...!"

I can tell a lot about a person by what they post online. Perhaps others can tell a lot about me by the lack of what I post online?

Never really thought about this but my R status on FB has never changed! Then again my profile pic has only changed like 5 times so... Gawd I'm boring!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Quote:
I know I'll never get married again. Wonder if I'll ever change my FB status to "in a relationship"? That really would be a milestone for me!


Quote:
A week before FF and I broke up, my friend asked me why I hadn't changed my FB relationship status. I said because 1) I am superstitious and it feels like a jinx, the second I post it, it will end and I will have to explain.


I do not post a status at all. It was clear to me early on that if you post your status as single, then there will come an incredibly awkward moment in a new relationship where you might be expected to change it - or might change it too early. Same with a breakup.

Even right now - I've told sociopath ex boyfriend that there's no possibility of us dating until he is at least a year into his sobriety. In reality, I never plan to date him again at all, but knowing him, making that too clear to him at this point might derail his rehab and I DO want him sober, not just for his sake but because it's safer for all involved if he gets and stays sober. If I had a FB status, it might still say "in a relationship" - giving him false hope - or changed to "single" - triggering a possible scene. (Plus it would mean lots of well-meaning inquiries from people that I don't really feel like discussing the situation with). I'm really happy right now I never posted a status - was just thinking about this on my drive into work this morning!

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So, "If I had a FB status, it might still say "in a relationship" - giving him false hope."

Okay, true enough but then: "I've told sociopath ex boyfriend that there's no possibility of us dating until he is at least a year into sobriety."

And how is THAT not false hope? I mean, just trying to keep it real here. Are they BOTH not false hope?


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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There's a difference between being his girlfriend now ( which I have tried to make clear I am not) and removing all hope for the future (which runs the risk of him not staying in rehab long enough to get sober). Yes, it's still false hope, but if my status said in a relationship, it would imply I still AM his girlfriend.

Subtle differences, sure, but important ones at the moment, and made much easier by not having a public relationship status at all.

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before the days of social media and announcing our relationship status, the only public display was wearing a wedding ring. Either you are married or you aren't!

No one work a sign that said "It's Complicated"

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"wore"

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Interesting weird but good experience.

Had an amazingly bad dream the other day. Was in a house h & I owned and he had replaced the carpeting with sheets of the same color (nothing like yanking the rug out from under me).

Heard him talking with OW about their future dream home, met her and in my dream she's a muttering hillbilly, but she held a baby really close to her face so I couldn't slap it I guess.

And the neighbors came over to tell me they thought I knew b/c "everyone knew".

("Dear subconscious, can't you be more original?? Why not "hit me in the head with a hammer"??)

ANYHOW of course i felt gross. It was ruining my day, but I had an appointment with my T.

T was talking about how much energy it took me to maintain the illusion that h was a good father even if flawed, that he really loved our family (and me) and valued our time together.

I like to think it was once true, and that he changed...but she's right, I spent so much emotional and mental energy buying into the wrapped up crap about how THIS job that was only 4 hours away during the week

was for a pension/opportunity or that he had to "take care of his mom - out of state, check out a job somewhere else", etc etc

Fact is, h has been out the door for awhile and my enabling the pretense didn't do my kids any favors. They saw thru it and saw me pretzeling myself to believe in him.

And he's been a weird $h1tty man to me all year now. He's NOT a guy who wanted to spend a lot of time being a dad/h. That is now, self evident and I don't mean b/c he left. But b/c MY blinders are off. At least for now.

His fb posts are crazy - hurtful - but crazy looking.

I guess right now and for the past few days, I'm thinking I may have dodged a bullet.

If h could leave me behind in CA for the tundra (and was actually THERE when I had my first seizure on the east coast)

then he'd bolt if I were in a car crash in 2 years or was paralyzed or had a stroke in 20 years. He has not been there for me for a long time, with a few spurts of involvement now and then (enough to convince me that he was in the m, and maybe he was but not fully).

He's not reliable and he's a lousy partner for ME. If he completely changes for OW, then I guess he'll have learned something from how lousy he was with his original family.

But at this moment I feel a sense of freedom from someone who would not have been good to ME again.

Maybe the nightmare hurt me so much I have a protective wall of detachment growing.

And I'll take that any day.

off to Beantown to keep d19 out of jail for the assault/arrest.
I know she'll prevail ultimately, but this ain't cheap and it comes at such a lousy time for me personally (not that it's fun for d19 either). She's terrified and furious.

Nope, h does not know any of this. & Certainly not paying...

after Monday I'll try to scramble for college money out of the universe b/c I literally do not have it. I can pay my rent till the July hearing.

But that's for future 25 to worry about.

cry

Now, back to my detachment


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Quote:
and in my dream she's a muttering hillbilly,

Lol - giggling over this.

Don't worry, the dreams go away over time.

Good luck with D and her legal issues. Hopefully it will be quickly recognized that she was the victim of an assault.

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Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
and in my dream she's a muttering hillbilly,

Lol - giggling over this.

Don't worry, the dreams go away over time.

Good luck with D and her legal issues. Hopefully it will be quickly recognized that she was the victim of an assault.



Thanks. I was actually disappointed in how uncreative the nightmare was.

I mean, really? "Sheets that look like carpet" replacing the rug I was standing on,

and the "future dream home" I somehow could read and hear on a cell phone between H and OW ... (she did mumble & mewl when I approached, in the dream).

Sheesh, you'd think there'd be better metaphors. Or at least more subtle.

("What 'symbolism'? I mean, maybe it was just the tuna salad...")


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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