Yes, Going Dark sounds more severe, and I haven't gone there yet. LRT is more about be a better you, GAL, detach, but be positive and receptive when your spouse initiates something. But then pull back and be the one to end the conversation.
You should definitely be doing that, and I apologize for leading you astray and vow to read DB again so I can brush up on terminology
Originally Posted By: holding
Weight loss - that started happening immediately after BD
Hahaha! We call that the "BD Diet", and as far as I can tell it is THE MOST EFFECTIVE DIET currently known to mankind. It has roughly a 100% success rate, everyone that participates loses a ton of weight
Originally Posted By: holding
Wearing cologne - that's something I do maybe once or twice a year, but I've thought about it lately. But I feel like it would be too obvious. Thoughts?
Well the purpose of these things is twofold. One is to get your W to notice something is different, but the other is just to make you feel better about yourself. She will probably notice some of these things and will no doubt say something to you, if she does then just smile and thank her for noticing. If she asks you "why" then just tell her that she helped you realize you had let yourself go and you're trying to work on yourself. That response tells her that you're taking her comments and BD seriously, but that you are changing for yourself and not her, right?
I often hear that you should stop snooping, and it seems to be accepted as gospel. But if snooping can show that there's OM, that changes the approach.
So can we have a conversation about exactly why snooping is bad? Is it that it prevents me from detaching? Does it lower me and turn me into someone I'm not?
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
When you snoop you find out things that will make it harder to reconcile (lots of bad mental movies), you get upset and then cycle and say and do things you shouldn't (escalation rather than de-escalation), and by doing so you are focusing on the wayward instead of on yourself.
I did my share of snooping and let him know that I knew. Now he has a lot of shame around me. Definitely not paving the way home. I stopped and am much happier.
Thanks, OwnIt. I guess I'm struggling with the possible infidelity. I've always told myself it was a dealbreaker. Now I'm wondering if it's something I could maybe get over, but I'm not sure.
I just don't want to be someone's plan B.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
We all must face this issue. I think you can never really make that decision until you see the person standing before you and how ready they are to own their part of it and how committed they are to make the marriage something better than it was before.
Ownit is right -- for one thing it's ethically wrong and living with high integrity yourself can really help you feel better and more in control.
Secondly Ownit is right that you'll get snippets with no context and you'll obsess over it and your brain will supply the worst possible interpretation of anything you find which will make you feel even worse--it's much more self-damaging than you appreciate. Someone described it as punching yourself in the face.
Third when she finds out you're snooping she will resent you more and reinforce your position as her adversary.
Finally it does not change your approach, it really doesn't matter. Focus on you and on not pursuing.
I saw a snippet that W sent her initial EA partner that said "you asked for what you wanted and you got it :)"
My brain of course took that to mean it was a PA and not an EA, and I dreamed up all kinds of torrid scenarios where that was acted out.
What it actually meant is that the office admin had brought chocolate cupcakes in for his birthday because he had asked for them
See the problem? I tortured myself for days for no reason.
After the fact I wished I had a mind eraser to unsee everything I found because it hurt me much more than it helped anything
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
What do y'all think I should do about the email I got from the couples counselor saying my relationship is over? Should I ask W to comment on it? Should I just forget about it and move on?
I haven't been able to talk to my IC about it yet.
I have a feeling it will come out eventually, the next time W sees the couples counselor (either with me or by herself). I don't want it to look like I was too scared to approach W about it. But then again, the strong and independent thing is probably to just deal with it internally and move on.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Those are great responses from Acc and OwnIt. I'll just mention that I too snooped early on and Acc's comments were exactly my experience- I got little bits and pieces that I could not decipher so of course spun the worst out of them and it ended up being completely off-base. One of the more ridiculous things I did was to look at W's paperwork we both had to fill out for the MC. When I saw she mentioned she had been physically abused in the past I couldn't believe it, I had never laid a finger on her! Why would she say this, what was her goal? I really wanted to confront her, but admitting I had snooped was almost worse than the accusation I thought she was leveling against me. Then when we were in MC the C actually asked her about it and she went into the abusive relationship she had been in.... before me. Oh. And even more stupid, I knew about that relationship but had forgotten since it was so long ago. Why did I assume she was talking about me? LBS's are the masters of negative spin!
Originally Posted By: holding
What do y'all think I should do about the email I got from the couples counselor saying my relationship is over? Should I ask W to comment on it? Should I just forget about it and move on?
I thought I was clear on that before, but I would delete it, fire your C and seek out a solutions-based C or a DB coach.
