Here again part 8

[T384]

That's what my dad said --- he said it's all going to come crashing down on H again, that it's all so predictable.

He thinks he's going to hurry up and buy a house and live this great life and that I'm the problem I'm holding him back etc etc. he said in a few months or maybe longer he will be back crying to my dad about what he's done.

That's why my dad gave me the same advice to step back and let his world fall apart without me so that he can see the common denominator is him. However my dad doesn't want me to save this marriage. He has told me
Many times if I take him back he cannot be in my life the way he is now because then he said there's something wrong with me to put myself through this again.

[leahsue]

Your dad is hurting for you T0. One of my favorite sayings is- a parent can only be as happy as their unhappiest child. And I believe that totally. ((((T0)))))

[skyhigh]

Block him on FB and don't share any information about your whereabouts.

Something about OW, usually they have self esteem issues and problem of their own, what kind of woman is willing to engage in a "special" relationship with a married man... they crave the attention they are finally getting from someone and in return they stroke their ego and validate everything and question nothing, they play the perfect girlfriend. At first, OW play it very light (they want to please them so badly) then they start to make demands (they want their cake and eat it too), that's when the fantasy starts to catch on reality. Also, step kids are a big throw back into reality. Talking is something, you say and show only what you want others to know or believe but sharing daily life is "welcome to reality", you can still hide some of your bad habits for a while but usually not for long, also you accept a few things a the beginning but after a while you become irritated. Limerence feeds on fantasy.

Cadence is right also about working on a schedule or a least scheduling time he has the kids, he needs a dose of reality, I remember I took 2 kids with me for a sport event week end and he stayed with our youngest one (10 at that time), he had to reorganize his little gym/nap/going out with his buddies schedule not only for one night but from Friday afternoon until Sunday night, he couldn't just come and go.

No R talks at all, work on being detach, at first it's very tough, you have to fake it then little by little it comes along, and one day you have it. It's doesn't stop the anger or the frustration but they do hurt you the way it was, you are becoming "waterproof". Read the thread of Psysara and skim0619, how they struggled with detachment until they realize it was the best way to survive, thrive and actually have a positive impact on the relationship with their WH.

You can do it, even if now you feel powerless, angry, frustrated and desperate. All those feelings are NORMAL, you have been hit with something terrible, you are suffering from PTSD, so get help, don't think you can do it without being help (I thought I could do it without it), I have a medical background, one of my friend tried to persuade me to see my FP, I refused many times, until one day, I had enough of crying, not sleeping well, also those obsessive thoughts were really an obstacle to my daily life and being the mom I wanted to me. He prescribed me with Wellbutrin, it helped me to detach even more, I took it for 6 months and I stopped.

I have to go...

[cadence]

Our C said H does something that I get a negative feeling and then instead of reassuring me he gets negative feelings about my negative feelings and then he pulls away further. He said we have to break that cycle.

Sounds like your C is describing pursuit and distance. Even though you get the negative feeling, you're looking to H rather than self-soothing. And then H distances, and you react to it, and on and on.

In the pursuit and distance thread, there is a book recommended. Excerpts were pulled from it. I am currently reading it and there is a ton of information in there that you could find useful T0.

I don't know... I'm feeling discouraged today.

Me too. I've gone down on the rollercoaster right before a fun evening with coworkers. Hopefully that will lift my spirits up.

Why does he have to do this again. More importantly why do I want him so badly.

I wonder the same.

[cadence]

I mean, I am wondering the same about my own situation!

[skyhigh]

Last week I listened to a podcast about the influence of the negative circles in relationships: how it pushes spouses away from each other slowly but surely and its negative and devastating effects of couples. How we expressed sadness, needs, anger, and fear with aggressive/nasty words and how in return it makes feel the other spouse being rejected and reduce to worthless all the efforts he/she could have done the previous days, that person in return reacts aggressively or with nastiness to defend/protect herself/himself and stop all effort in the relationship without understand that behind that "attack" was just a need to reassurance, the first person who was in need of reassurance then feel the other doesn't care about him/her and ...the circle continues until one gives up on the relationship. The conclusion was: we have to be very cautious about our interactions with each other (domino effect), if we don't break that negative circle, there is no way to improve the relationship, it will get worst with time and one partner will withdraw (distancer) while the other will keep pursuing (pursuer), until the pursuer give up too.

[T384]

I'm exhausted. H came here straight from work. Showered and put all his clothes in his truck.

I haven't said anything. We both were sitting in the living room watching tv. I didn't make conversation and neither did he.

Am I supposed to sit out there or do I go in my room? I don't even know. I am so tired I'm tired of all of this. I just want things to be okay. I feel like I should just give up. My family keeps telling me it's over forever and he's never coming back.

I did tell him I needed him to be here tomorrow to watch the kids because inhad somewhere I needed to be. He said ok

[skyhigh]

Go to your room, it makes easier to detach and it gives him the space he wants.
Take a long shower, take care of yourself, lay down, close your eyes, sleep, rest or listen to some relaxation podcasts. Read the thread on detachment (I know I am obsessed about it but it's was lifesaver) and the one about the distance/pursuit.
I will be here for you, dear H is ready to sleep, my kids are having fun at their friends' places.
I am enjoying my glass of wine...

One day at a time.

[T384]

Thanks Sky,

I just want to know there's hope .. I feel so beat down and it is so hard hearing everyone tell me it's over and he's never coming back. My
Mom has been so supportive until this week. She said it's over. He's not coming back. She was the only one that was my cheerleader this whole time. Cause she knew I wanted to save my M. Now I have nobody that thinks there's hope.

The boys had a friend over. H came with us to drop him off and we stopped to get pizza. He asked if the boys wanted to watch a movie. I'll probably retreat to my room and give him space. He is so quiet and distant with me. He looks so empty inside when he's around me but when he's talking to the kids he's all upbeat and happy

[Train]

((((T0))))) I know you're tired. Don't overthink anything tonight, okay? How about you just stop all the stinkin' thinkin' and just get lost on Pinterest or something tonight?

Sending big hugs.