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T384 #2748109 06/23/17 03:33 AM
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May be going to your dad's place for the night just to sleep


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
T384 #2748115 06/23/17 04:05 AM
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Quote:
He said he was coming to stay the night tonight. I think I need to leave while he's here. I don't have any plans and most of my friends are busy so I'm not sure what I'll do.


Go out to a movie? Get a little dressed up and treat yourself to a nice cocktail or glass of wine or Shirley Temple?

I might lean toward letting him see that you are out and about and coming home late as opposed to staying elsewhere for the night. To me, the first is more genuine and the latter might look like game playing/pursuit.

Plus you'd be taking advantage of the one singular perk of him making this decision - he'll be 100% responsible for the kids and that means you get a break and get to start rebuilding a sometimes-kid-free social life.

Are you thinking of a longer term plan, T0? It's good that he's coming over to take care of the boys (because he can see your progress and the boys have stability) but at some point allowing him to come stay and do his parenting time when he prefers and in your house is shielding him from consequences.

At some point, there should be a shift to a set schedule and him taking the kiddos. (I feel more strongly about the set schedule - so you don't end up in a situation where he's all "Hmm, I'll go to this concert, and then three Tuesdays from now I don't have plans so I'll watch the kids" because that is cake eating. He doesn't get to pick and choose based on what is most convenient for his new social life. You need predictability and so do the kids.)

I strongly suggest that once things have settled, you be the person who says "H, now that you're moved out and established, the boys will do best with a set schedule. Plus it allows both of us to plan. Here's what I'm thinking will work best. Review it and let me know what you think." This action is very clearly Not Pursuing, because you are accepting his decisions and actively creating more distance.

He wanted to be a part-time single dad, so let him. That comes with some restrictions and less freedom than he enjoyed while married to you, since you served as the primary caretaker. Let him get a taste of the responsibility!

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^^^ x2.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
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I think tonight I'm just going to go to the gym and tomorrow I'm going to tell him I have plans in the evening and need him to watch the kids. He had last weekend off.

In regards to the schedule that is a conversation that needs to happen but he's living at his boss house and has the boss daughter (who is 32 with a 12 year old) present there. Not an environment I want my kids sleeping at. So I will give it a couple weeks of no R talks and then pursue the schedule. UNLESS He pulls this concert I have plans I'm not coming by stuff.

He told me he would stay here two nights a week being mondays and Wednesday's. IF he continues to talk to OW I will have to approach that while he's staying the night in the house. That's not something I'm going to do now but it will be eventually.

Anyway my plan is gym tonight and out with friends tomorrow night. I won't stay the night out. The baby is too young for me to be gone overnight. I will only go out for a few hours and probably will come home around 12ish. It will probably make him happy I'm going out so that he will feel justified in continuing his R with boss daughter. That's what happened last time. He saw me out via FB friends tagging me. Then he started posting about him and OW being out. So that will be a xonsequence I have to deal with.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2748140 06/23/17 07:13 AM
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Do what is in YOUR best interest: BLOCK HIM on FB.

Easy.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
T384 #2748141 06/23/17 07:37 AM
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Quote:
It will probably make him happy I'm going out so that he will feel justified in continuing his R with boss daughter. That's what happened last time. He saw me out via FB friends tagging me. Then he started posting about him and OW being out. So that will be a xonsequence I have to deal with.


Well, even if he does, how classless. You going out does not imply another man, so taking you having fun with friends as a green light to broadcast his affair is a bit much.

And, T0, I know it would hurt to see something like that. But remember that you are not your emotions.

First of all, he's left. You aren't together right now, though you are still M.

Second, you know that whatever he finds with an OW is not likely to compare what he had with you, and sometimes they need that stark comparison to get it (they're so busy running and demonizing us so they can run that they forget all the amazing things we do bring to the table that other women don't necessarily have. Particularly one with a kid herself who supports a man leaving his wife while the baby is still a newborn...)

Third, he has done this before. Yes, ouch, but what was the outcome of that? He realized he was still in love with you. So what exactly is so scary about him doing it again? What is the likelihood he'd come to a different conclusion than that, especially when you're busy GAL and getting happy and non-anxious T0 back?

Yes, the house is a curveball. And, should he want to play house with OW and her son, rest assured his "new life" (at times separate from his kids but full time with a son that isn't his) is not going to be easy for him. Stepparenting - or being close to one - is incredibly emotionally taxing. I've done it. I can't compare it to having my own kids because I don't have them, but those who have done both say that stepparenting is harder work. All the work, none of the decision-making power, and tons and tons of conflict.

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I guess my thought is now why did he come back?

Was it truly because he wanted me or because it was easy. Because he got dumped by OW and didn't want to be alone ? I now question all of his answers and explanations during R.


This being the second time for me is scarier. He's been down this road he knows what the outcome was and yet he's still willing to do it again.

Maybe he just doesn't love me and was here out of convenience. I don't know.

Also who knows what he's telling the boss and the daughter. They both have a lot of nerve commenting on my pictures of my kids on FB I posted the other day.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2748146 06/23/17 08:06 AM
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T0, I would advise you to stop trying to get into his head. Stop worrying about why he came back the first time and instead think about why y'all didn't work on things and change things enough for BOTH of you to stay happy.

These are improvements you can make in your*self* to make you a better, happier person and (eventual) partner, whether that's with H or someone else .


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
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Our C said H does something that I get a negative feeling and then instead of reassuring me he gets negative feelings about my negative feelings and then he pulls away further. He said we have to break that cycle.

He said it started with the flowers. I said I was uncomfortable and H didn't reassure me the way I needed and it snow balled from there.

I don't know... I'm feeling discouraged today. I'm trying to work through it but to be honest I wish he wasn't even coming over tonight. I'm half tempted to send a text that we are going somewhere and won't be home. I just feel like watching a movie with my kids and relaxing. Not having to fake moving on in front of him. I'm sure I'll feel better in a couple hours I'm just tired today. The baby didn't sleep well and the boys have been out in the pool all day and then I picked their friend up and they're playing soccer outside. I'm just sitting down to work on schoolwork and am having a moment of why is this my life. Why does he have to do this again. More importantly why do I want him so badly.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
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Amen to the stepparenting thoughts above! And I HAVE done it. You can love the stepkids with all your heart, but they aren't your HEART the way your own are. It won't be easy for him.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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