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I think dropping the rope, in many ways, is probably seen differently by many people, depending a lot on where they are on their journey.

To me, it's more of an action than a feeling.

Detachment, on the other hand, is a feeling. You don't get that until later.

Dropping the rope is what you do in the meantime. It's letting your H go do whatever his little selfish heart desires while YOU protect YOU. Block his number for a few hours each day. Stop seeing yourself as a victim of his bad behavior, and start finding *opportunities* in the madness.

If I could turn back the hands of time to 2014, I would have had even MORE fun! I would have told myself to join an all-women, kicka$s, boot-camp style exercise group (which I recently did and cannot. get. enough. of. it., but I totally should have done it back then to start feeling better about myself and to develop another community of supportive, encouraging female friends to lift me up and push me when I most needed it). That week-long beach trip I took alone with the kids? I would try to find ways to take more of them. Even just weekend trips. I would have used my "babysitters" more, and I would have gone out to TRY to laugh with my girlfriends. Or even cry at a good, sappy movie. I should have gone to the club and cut a rug at least once. I would take that zip-line adventure I was researching. And I would take that freaking pottery class I've always wanted to take!

But, alas, I couldn't squeeze ALL that fun in because H was noticing just the *little bit* of fun I was having and decided he wanted to come back and be a part of it!

I know it's harder with a baby and while you're working and in school. I was there in 2006, too, remember? I've gotchu, girl. I'm right there with you in as many ways as I can be.

But, T, you CAN do this. I know you can. Things are going to work out. I know you don't believe me, but they WILL. In a year from now ... just you wait ... you'll see! You'll be a different person and will look back and wonder why you fretted so.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
T384 #2747992 06/22/17 09:17 AM
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Originally Posted By: T0324
The house thing isn't a control issue for me... as much as it is the permanent decision of him leaving me behind.


It's not permanent, though. Houses can be sold, tenants can be found to live in them and pay the mortgage... It's only in your head that this is The End and that's why it's so scary. Nothing is permanent in life except for death.

Quote:
How do I save my M? What am I supposed to do?


The exact opposite of what your instincts are screaming at you to do.

You are supposed to do nothing. You are supposed to let H go, knowing that the space he seeks is possibly just what is needed for him to process things in a way that don't involve blaming you for his unhappiness.

Quote:
I feel so lost ... part of me wants to shake him and say what are you doing we have this beaitudo family.


I don't know how to say this in a way that isn't going to hurt, so I'll just say it. He's still the father to those beautiful kids and he still has a beautiful family, even if he's not with you. Your M is the glue to that family and if he's leaving it, then the kiddos and you will still be a family and the kiddos and him will still be a family. But this idea that the family is always 5 people with you and the kids as a package deal, and he's leaving the kids because he's leaving you, is false.

I mean, look at divorced families. Some get along and say they're "still a family" but conditions have to be right for that. More commonly the parents move on and welcome new spouses and - maybe - new kids, and that's the new family unit.

Unfortunately, families do divide. They aren't the end all be all.

Do your best not to lump yourself in with your kids. Parenting discussions/communications should be brief, informative, and focused solely on the kids. Don't lump yourself in because H will just see that as pressure, and it may cause him to back off from the kids.

Most of all, this man has three kids. Don't shield him from that reality. The more you can do to show him what it will be like to be the single divorced dad to 3 kids, the better chance you have of that not coming to fruition.

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Why aren't we enough ???


T0, this is from your own childhood. Whatever is driving you to fear that you aren't enough and you aren't worthy of love is driving how you are reacting to this situation.

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The other part of me wants to say I know what you've been doing I know what you're up to please don't insult my intelligence and walk away.


This is better, but until you could say something like that with a genuine smile on your face and without any sarcasm or venom, you should not say it.

T0, you are a hardcore anxious pursuer. Your H is a distancer. You are not the same person. You are not enmeshed and exactly alike. What feels like the source of survival to you feels like suffocation to him. He's in crisis mode and he naturally wants space. He is thinking of buying a house because that is something he can control. That's why it's attractive to him.

If you do not give him space, your marriage will end. If you do not learn how to thrive in that space and use it to refocus on you and enjoying your life, man or no man, your marriage will end. If you do not get a handle on your anxiety that causes you to act out in ways that work against your cause, your marriage will end.

T0, we are not powerless because we are more than our emotions and our insecurities. You are more than those things. What can you do to feel more in control of yourself and not so buffeted about (recognizing that you're still in shock and are - very understandably - grieving)?

Do you see a counselor about your anxiety? If not, would you? Have you tried things like yoga and meditation, things that help us understand that mind, body, and reality are all different things that we have a degree of control over?

I wasn't around years ago, but I took a peek at some of your threads near the time of R from the first time around, and you were doing SO well. You knew you were a whole and worthy person with or without H. You were busy and doing things you wanted to do. You did it once and you can do it again.

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Train - I started going to the gym this week. I noticed a drop in my supply though which I know can happen so I have to ease back into working out. I swear I am not as emotionally unstable as I sound here. I vent here and to my mom...

Today was a good day. I hope that means tomorrow will be too. The physician I'm working with knows I have a newborn so he signs me off for the full day and I'm usually out of the office by 3 if not earlier. Monday he gave me the whole day off! The manager said he likes to reward the people that work hard and show an interest in learning. I am thankful I decided to go back to school regardless of where this goes because I will have a good career to support the life I want to give my boys.

As far as going out and doing stuff. Since I went with the boys last night I rescheduled with my girlfriend for Saturday which works better anyway. Sunday my dad and I are taking the boys on the boat. Monday Tuesday Thursday is school and Wednesday I'm taking the boys on a local train that takes us into the city with some of my friends and their kids. We also have theme park passes so my dad said he would watch the baby next weekend so I can take the boys alone. Florida is so hot for the baby to be out all day.

I'm working o dropping the rope .. I think that action will come before detachment.

I just have to figure out to balance being a neighbor, enforcing boundaries but not being a bitch lol

He sent me a text today asking how my day was. Then sent another text asking how the boys were. I haven't replied yet. I'm too busy wink


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2748000 06/22/17 10:29 AM
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Cadence - I don't know why my anxiety is so bad. My C thinks because like PTSD of last time... I'm not sure. I was never this anxious before. But I can feel myself spinning. I try to post here or reach out to my mom so I don't knew jerk and say something or do something out of emotions.

I will get back to that person in 2014. I promise


M 31 H 34
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BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2748002 06/22/17 10:34 AM
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Oh and he sends me that text asking about my day after he's been on the phone with he realtors all day. Like I'm an idiot.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2748005 06/22/17 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted By: T0324


He sent me a text today asking how my day was. Then sent another text asking how the boys were. I haven't replied yet. I'm too busy wink


THIS! Priceless! You've got your great sense of humor back, too. Hang in there, girlfriend!


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Ha if he only knew I was breastfeeding doing laundry and cleaning puke off my clothes lol

It's super frustrating he's going to ask me about my day like he cares after being on the phone with the realtor since he got preapproved yesterday. It's just because he's in a good mood he's going to get his house now.

I just replied 'the boys are good' he replied cool and that he was with my uncle stopping at a friends house then going for dinner. I didn't respond.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2748012 06/22/17 11:47 AM
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I don't know if you remember the story, but when I was snooping/following H's activities, I saw that - after weeks of lying to me - he booked a hotel room for two.

I bought a bouquet of hideously redneck flowers and a "best wishes" card, signed it "your wife," and dropped it all off at the hotel "concierge", telling them I had been the couple's matchmaker and just wanted to leave my well-wishes.

Oh boy, did I hear about that one! Lol!

I'm all about you coming up with a discreet wink-wink way to let H know that you know about the new mortgage. But YOU have to be in the proper mindset to pull it off. And it must come from a place of strength - almost like you already know it's going to eventually be a bust - and not a place of desperation or being a victim.


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Haha that's too funny.

Ya he got some
Mail here today from a realtor. I was thinking of using that.

I thought I would just say here H don't forget your mail... for your new mortgage and walk away.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
T384 #2748016 06/22/17 11:56 AM
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Hmm, see? I think that smacks of high-browing or "gotcha" instead of "I don't give an eff."

We need "I don't give an eff."


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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