H is going to another concert. Our ticket broker text me on accident instead of H saying get back to you with a price on that concert. I said ? He said oh sorry meant to send that to your H.
Also he rented a storage unit yesterday.
He and I had limited interaction. He told me he would be st the house by 6. He showed up at 9. I didn't say anything just let him know i had made him a plate for dinner on the stove. He asked me how the kids were. I just said I didn't get home from the office til 6 but that my dad said they were good.
He stayed on the couch and was in the bathroom a lot. I think that's when he's texting OW. He also worked out for awhile and took some more things. Again I didn't say a word. I watched a movie in my room with the kids. I sent the boys out to the living room to say goodnight to H. He didn't say goodnight to me and I didn't go out there to say anything to him.
I spent all night last night reading through all my old threads.
It is eerily similar to now but also different is that makes sense. His lying. His saying it will work out all while planning behind my back is the same. BUT last time he wouldn't be around me or have anything to do with me. This time he seems more comfortable to be around and do things as a family. This makes Me more concerned. Like he's not as angry or enthralled with an OW as he was last time.
Everyone says there's no way he will come back twice. That I'm crazy to even think that he would even consider it.
He's already done this and knows how it ends and is willing to do it again. Therefore it must be what he really wants. That he just came back last time because he got dumped by OW and was lonely. All this stuff is so hard to hear and I know they don't say it to hurt me but to help get me angry to say F you and move on.
I just want someone to tell me what to do to give me a fighting chance. Yes I know no R talks. But am I crazy for wanting to stop this a second time? My dad said I need to be evaluated for mental problems to want to have him in my life when he can walk out on us a second time. He said no matter what I did or how much of a PITA I am you don't walk out with a newborn. He said every marriage goes through its stuff but you don't succumb to weakness.
I sit here and wonder if it's me. If it's not H and it's just me. And he will be happy with someone else and never leave that person or cheat on them. Last time I didn't think it was me as much because he was so cold and angry. He had changed so much so I KNEW he was going through something. This time I am doubting that. Because he's still around still doing stuff as a family I mean this weekend was normal yet he still got a storage unit looked at a house and is buying tickets for another concert.
Today is the first time I've cried since last Thursday. I just feel so beat down. I want to make things better. I want to have my kids have their parents together. I don't want H with another woman and I sure as hell don't want to be with another man.
How can he see me as the person he did. I mean we have no interaction nothing positive nothing negative just neutral as mention. It's just kind of bill related. There's no light breezy conversation. He doesn't initiate and neither do i.
I just feel like I'm doing this all wrong again. Especially after reading through my threads last time. It took me months to figure it out and I feel like I'm in the same exact place. My feelings that I wrote are literally identical to now
When my ex left for OW, I figured it was all me. I said "what could I have done differently to make him happy and not cheat and stay? Then he went on to marry the other woman. They have been married longer than we were and together for the same amount of time we were. So, I asked myself "what did she have that I don't?
I know exactly what it was. The person he wanted me was not the person I wanted to be. I sustained being the person he wanted me to be for 9 years until I could not anymore.
What is important is not who you are to him. it's who you are to yourself. That you are the person you want to be.
I know you would like a quick fix. I get it. But there is none, and you are doing just fine, I don't think you could do anything differently. This is his issue now yours.
As far as your father, it really is a catch 22. from the outside it is reasonable to see that it is insanity to take back a guy who walk out on the mother of his child when their baby is born. My dad did not take kindly and still does not to this day. Looking back, for me, I was just desperate to keep my brand new family together. But I knew a man who did that to me and my child is not the man I wanted as my husband.
He is being selfish right now doing what he wants when he wants and is considering no one else right now. You didn't drive him to that. he is choosing to evade his reposnibilities. And you can't make him, no matter what you do differently or perfectly. he has to make the decision himself.
TO, We are here to support you. We walked in your shoes and felt in our hearts those excruciating feelings of despair. The positive I see right now is that's you are not getting in arguments or R talks, that's a huge achievement. Now, you need to do something about those obsessive thoughts, I know more easy to say than do, you need to see your family practionner and ask him, what you can take to help you while breastfeeding. It's very tough to project yourself in the future in those conditions.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I wish I could stop these thoughts but I just keep feeling like it's me or what should I have done differently... like I failed. I failed our boys. What reason do I have for this being over besides he just isn't happy.
He's making permanent decisions to move on with his life. Buying a house, moving things out, storage unit, concert tickets this is all like last time except last time he wasn't moving his stuff out at this point and didn't get a place until 5 months after moving out and only did it month to month.
I just can't help but think there's no hope if he's willing to obtain a 30 year mortgage. That's pretty telling to me
You can stop thoughts. It takes practice, but you can. Google thought-stopping techniques.
A bit of neuroscience for you: these pathways that you go down are built into your brain's architecture since you were young. The more you allow the pattern, the more cemented the pathways.
The good news is that there is plasticity in the brain. You can get rid of the pathways that cause you to spiral, simply by breaking your pattern. You cannot allow thought A to progress to thought B and then on to C. You have to be ready to pick up when thought A happens and stop it there.
This is the only way.
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help but think there's no hope if he's willing to obtain a 30 year mortgage.
Well, according to my H buying a home with a 30 year mortgage isn't a big deal and less than a year later you can just sell it again. No big deal.
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That's pretty telling to me
"Telling" about what, T0? What are you trying to do here? Mindread? Soothsay? Predict?
YOU CAN'T DO THOSE THINGS, T0. It's a waste of time.
What this all comes back to, T0, is you trying to be in control. You are unwilling to let life happen and believe that everything will be okay, and I believe this tendency of yours is what stifled your H in your marriage because it meant you had to be in control of him, too.
You may be under the impression that someone controlling only is maybe male, and yells, and things like that. But a softspoken woman can be incredibly controlling if she's not willing to drop the rope and let life happen and know it will all be okay.
H didn't say I was controlling. His complaints that he told me were that he didn't feel appreciated. C said my need to know everything is going to be okay comes from what happened last time. That because H lied so much my brain tells me to keep asking the same question and maybe on the 10th time he will tell me the truth. He tried to explain all that to H.
I wasn't snooping like this last time... once I found out about OW I went back and looked at the phone bill but didn't do these things I've done now.
I'm just fighting with accepting it's over and there's no hope.
I'm comparing this to last time and it seems more hopeless to me. That's why I'm spiraling today. The reality of my new life.
I don't act like this in front of H. Last night I casually had a plate on the stove when he got home. The boys and I had a dance party in my room then my youngest went out to show h while he was on the couch and S6 wanted me to dance too I just laughed and said I didn't want to scare anyone.
This place really is my outlet.
I jut want someone to tell me what to do how to interact and how to let go. I know that's all unrealistic by the way. But that's where my mind is. I want everyone to tell me what move I should make and when to make it. I'm so afraid to do more damage.
