I have been thinking about you a lot over the last month. I've had a few bumps in the road, and some sunny times and gone to post a few times but the words won't come, I don't know how to put into words what's happening. It doesn't feel like there is anyone to talk to, or tell at the moment. Feeling loved, but feeling lonely and alone much of the time. I wonder if it is the impending feeling of the change coming. I guess it frightens me.
Anyway I really just popped by to say hello and reach out to someone. You've never minded in the past.
Hmmm, It was a little vague but I'm going to to piece this puzzle together yet. Let's see, let's see. Bumps. Sun. Speechless. Lonely. Change. (Gasp!) You were driving and after the sun got in your eyes ended up running over a mime, got charged with vehicular manslaughter and sentenced to solitary confinement because you couldn't post the $.85 bail!?! Oh, Jelly, I'm so sorry! If he had only stayed behind his glass wall none of this would have ever happened!
OK, so maybe I didn't hit the bulls-eye on this one. But whatever is going on we are all here for you. And yes, I am always delighted to have you post on my thread and am glad to get snippets of what your world looks like these days. So you're welcome to share what you'd like, or just keep it light to have a pen pal.
Nothing new on my end. Work going pretty well, I don't feel entirely safe yet but I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm having a good month and am feeling more and more like it's not luck because I'm working really hard. Not playing much pool although I'm going to a tournament in Wisconsin next weekend. I've been playing a little online poker instead. My best friend thinks I play world class poker and is trying to convince me to let him put a bunch of money in my account to play some big ticket mutli-table tournaments, so we're talking about what shots to take there. But mostly just hanging out with the family. I am feeling less and less compulsion to be the best, I just like to play. Of course I still bring my best every time I lock horns so you can never count me out.
Some good times with the family that just make me smile. We had breakfast out this morning, then went for a nice long walk. Played a game of 500, I tried not to get too impatient with them when they'd make a bonehead play. We watched a movie and had pizza night. But ok, ok, let me get to the best part.
D10 had a homework assignment to make a video collage of some of her interests. So here's what we did. We had a video of her introducing herself saying "Hi, I'm D6. I really like playing games. Of course sometimes they can be pretty tough, but that's ok, I'm just learning..." (she said this really cute and kind of shrugging). Then we cut to the collage (I wasn't in any of the video, it was mostly just the games and her hands). Her placing a checker in a Connect 4 game that trapped me by threatening a connects 4 on each end, me blocking one threat, then her getting connect 4. Then her solving a code in Mastermind and me flipping the shield back to show she solved it. Then her winning a game of Sorry by drawing a 7 and moving her last two pieces in with a 2 and 5 (7's let you split the total between two pieces). Then her playing Yahtzee, showing 3 sixes and then rolling two dice and they both come out sixes as well. Then her playing chess and executing a 3 move smothered checkmate. Then a Monopoly board and me rolling a 7 and sliding my car to Boardwalk and running out of money before I can pay her the total. Then her playing checkers and executing a 5 jump finish to clear the board. Then her playing Uno, throwing down a wild and calling the color "blue", only for my D6 to play another wild and saying "No, green!", then D10 slaps down her last card which was a green 7 and says "GOTCHA!". Then my daughter shooting a trick shot in pool pocketing two balls in one shot, then calling the 8 in the side and drilling it in. Then finally, of course, her and D6 playing draw poker, D6 obviously makes four 9s and D10 lays down the royal flush. At the end of this all is the exit clip, D10 saying "As I said, I love games. I could play them all day long-" at which point she is interrupted by me yelling from far away, "D10, would you like to play a game of backgammon?" (uptick on backgammon like I'm trying to find a game I can beat her at), only for her to look at the camera and finish by saying "Excuse me, I have to go take care of something". She exits right and the screen fades.
Boy, do I wish I could share this video with you all. It is so adorable. She is so cute on camera. And it is so funny. Because it is all true, but then we exaggerate it of course. I know you guys get the idea, but it was artistic and it's hard to really explain how awesome it turned out. I have watched it 6 times or more and tears come out of my eyes it is so funny. And I'm so proud of my little girl.
OK, that's all I have today. Tomorrow they go to their mom's for mother's day so not really doing much. That's ok though. I'll think of something.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hey JB, I've had times when I had a reluctance to post for any of a large variety of reasons. I won't lean on you to do so if you don't feel up to it for whatever reason, but I am on the lookout and thinking of you. Make it a great day.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Zues, I posted a few days ago on my thread not having seen your post. Drop by for a coffee and chat some time. I'd love to have the opportunity to connect.
J, sorry for the delay. I did track down your thread but didn't have anything come to mind to contribute. That's the hard part about the forums, all we have in common is posting back and forth, so when there's nothing to post, there's not much back and forth.
It's funny, I've always thought that long distance relationships are a mirage that trap people who fill in the gaps created between the lack of personal contact with fantasy, and that like substituting unknown DNA with frog DNA and this can lead to disasters on the scale of tyrannosauruses wreaking havoc and eating supporting characters.
But, on the other hand, I think the same could be said of courting in general, people putting their best foot forward, performing their mating dance, shining in the light of new relationship endorphin rushes, and unaware of their own dysfunctional wiring. At some point, what's the difference.
I've always figured that marriage is like a voyage across an ocean by raft. No point in waiting for a sunny day to set sail, there are going to be plenty of storm tossed nights no matter how nice it is when you cast off so don't sweat it. The same way, even if you do fall into a 'trap' due to the LDR factor, I don't think you'll face any challenges that wouldn't confront every other married couple. You'll feel like you made a horrible mistake, like you were wrong about who he was, you didn't know him at all, you aren't compatible, you didn't know how important something or other was to you, he's changed, he hasn't changed, you feel lonely, you feel smothered, you could never be happy again until he does this or that, you can't live this way, you can't imagine living the rest of your life without feeling differently than the horror that is your marriage, and so on. Great news though- this is the price of admission for marriage! Congratulations! Now you get to deal with that, find the positives, and enjoy the surprising times that aren't as bad as all of the others!
Maybe I should make it my mission to crusade around and crash weddings every time they say that "speak now or for ever hold your peace" part. But really, I do think if more people had realistic ideas of how this was supposed to work it would help. But probably not.
You are doing good JB. Being happy but directionless and confused is a long way from suicidal and depressed. I'm so glad you decided to upgrade your emotional problems. You can handle these.
The thing about enjoying the moment has been said a million times in a million ways. Life is what happens while you're making other plans. The precious present. Live each day as if it's your last. If you can't snort it with a rolled up hundred dollar bill you can't afford it. You know what I mean. Basically just a heap of cliches about not letting tomorrow's uncertainty spoil today.
I don't know who you are either, or where you're heading. And if that causes some distress, that's ok. It's probably good, it's probably necessary because you're asking questions that will force you to find answers you might need to steer the ship and go the direction that is most Jelly. But in the meantime enjoy your relief from the darkness and make a point to do a few things that slow you don't and make you aware of the here and now. Daily appreciation has been my pillar through all of this.
I know for me most of my 5 year plans don't come to pass. I make them, and they serve a role of getting me to move the direction I want to go, but I haven't had the experience of moving in the same direction for 5 years without some cataclysmic life force changing my course. Like steering by the north star, you don't reach it, you just use it to go the right direction. But I ultimately get somewhere I needed to be, and I enjoy the journey as much of the time as possible.
Hope you can do the same and that you keep posting here and there when you're up to it. It's good to hear from you and know you're doing so well. Relatively. Keep it going J!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Oh my goodness. This has probably been on the net for a while but I just saw it yesterday. If you feel like it, search for "Lions can jump 36 feet" images (it should pull up a flyer with a 'fun fact' along with some comments). For whatever reason this just struck me as epic and it has brought a true, deep joy to me. Enjoy.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm good and I'm good. What I mean is that things are going swimmingly right now, truly never better. But beyond that, I am feeling very grounded. I understand that this will change at some point. This is life, and there will be more suffering in my future. But I have faith that I can endure that suffering and find meaning within it and appreciation in whatever cards I am dealt. And in the meantime, when the sun is shining, I will allow myself to enjoy the sunny days as well.
It has been about three months now since my pay plan at work was adjusted and I could take a deep breath and feel safe financially. It has still been hard work, a little stressful, difficult to hit goals. But most of the pressure is pressure I put on myself. Financially I will be ok. And my boss assures me that I have ZERO to worry about, that I have a bright future on the team. So while I get a bit anxious at times, at least it's all internal and not external pressure. That's usually my MO, I push myself hard so my own pressure kicks in before the world's pressure. It means I get hard on myself and a little anxious now and then, but it also means I am blessed with good employment and livable income.
I got a new car a few weeks ago. Nothing special. I spend less than 10K on my cars. Last one had over 160K on it and was 14 years old. Not terrible, but I drive a lot for work (25K/year), I ferry co-workers around in my car going to appointments, and my kids are growing. My little Saab was getting old and cramped. So I found a Kia Optima with a manual 6 speed transmission with like 60K miles on it. Fun to drive, mid-sized sedan, and just a bit newer. I'm getting Alpine speakers in the front because the stock ones are garbage. Hey, in return for not blasting off a ton of money on a new car I get to spend just a hair dressing up the one I get. It's very affordable and my mileage allowance will more than cover it. I'm not very materialistic but I allow myself to enjoy the reasonable necessities.
It is Summer so the kids are out of school now. Every minute we spend together is priceless. And I love that I have a job where I can come home from work at 3PM Monday and Tuesday when I have the kids, then work hard and put in a few hours from home on Wednesday and Thursday when they're with their mom. I taught them how to play 500 (bidding trump game, now rummy). It is very fun to play. In fact, tomorrow for Father's day though it's not my weekend I get to pick them up for a FD lunch, then I'm going to play one game of 500 with them before dropping them back off with their mom. That's like my perfect 2 hours.
We're still reading, we're on to the 2nd book in the HitchHiker's Series (Restaurant at the End of the Universe). We are going for walks.
And oh, we are playing some pool. I PROMISE I didn't push my kids into pool. Shoot, S13 doesn't play at all, and I was totally fine with that. But when my girls started falling in love with the game, well, works for me! We have been playing together, we practice for a few minutes working on fundamentals and foundational skills, then we play. The practice is really fun. It can be frustrating for my girls sometimes, D10 occasionally gets near tears. For this I am also working with her on her mental approach. We have a diary for her and I am asking her questions, having her brainstorm ideas, reading clips from books that helped me understand where my feelings were coming from and find other ways of looking at the game that didn't lead to so much pain. But this is a small part of it. Mostly they are getting into it. The detached focus, the simple experience of tinkering with a shot, learning how it feels to hit it a certain way, seeing how the balls react, making some adjustments, then practicing to anchor that feeling. I tell you what, they are learning how to practice HARD, because while their drills are easier than mine, we are pushing our limits the same way I push mine. And while they can't play for days like I can, the fact they can keep up at all is amazing.
So last Tuesday we set a new record. We play where I break the balls and then I take turns with my daughters (scotch doubles or scotch triples, alternating shots). When I play with both daughters D6 follows me so I can play position for her and leave her an easy shot, but then D10 is on her own. Still, we had one inning where we ran all 15 balls with only one miss. That means D6 made 4/5 of her shots and D10 made 5/5 (not always easy!). Then I do the same with just D10. Lo and behold we ran the table in one inning without a miss! Granted- I played perfect position for her so she had almost all easy shots, and we are playing on a bar table (7 foot), not the 9 foot I used to have in my old house pre BD. But still, when we were at 14 and there was 1 ball left to shoot the pressure was on and D10 had a tricky cut shot. She took a breath, lined it up, and shot it in. I couldn't believe it! I already had my speech rehearsed to calm her down if she missed and got upset. But she just rolled it right on in there!
Practicing pool made up about 90% of my waking hours for years and years of my life. It has always been my secret home, away from everyone and everything, just my little world where I go on my own. Like Superman's North Pole Ice Castle. Now I get to bring my girls there, play some music, hit some balls, practice a few shots. It is the most special thing I have to share (ok, besides reading, Lord of the Rings kind of jumped the shark!). And they LOVE the time with me and are finding the world as enchanting as I always have.
The funny part is that for a while I was conflicted about letting them get into pool. The problem is that at the top level there is no future. I literally am a top 50 player in the country and I might make more money if I was a champion at yo-yoing. That dead end has been hard for me in my life, because I would love to compete more but there just isn't a road to travel down. So I was concerned about setting my girls up for disappointment with the bleak future at the top level. But then I realized- for me, when I think of what game I choose, it's important to me that there's a bright future should you get to be one of the best in the world. But for 99.9999% of the population, that really doesn't matter. Because there's almost a 0% chance that my girls will travel the same distance down the road that I did. And for an amateur player that doesn't set out to conquer the highest levels of the game and just want to have fun playing a game, well, there's really no better game than pool! It is a ton of fun. So I no longer hesitate to let them dive in. While the road may have a dead end, it is 50,000 miles ahead so they can go as far as they want for all practical purposes.
Beyond that, I know they are getting strong from this. Not only are we spending time together, not only is it a ton of fun, they are learning how to work hard, they are learning how to deliberately develop skills, they are learning how to set and achieve goals, they are learning how to focus, they are learning self awareness. I can tell you all quite honestly that I learned nearly everything from pool. When I was 20 I started in sales and it was child's play compared to pool. I was a top rep in 90 days. Everything I learned from pool transferred over to sales and it was actually easier. So I'm delighted to know that the lessons they'll learn from this game regarding their attitude, mindset, discipline, focus, confidence, patience, and so on and so on, will prepare them for some of the same successes I've enjoyed in my life.
We have been slacking on chess a little, mostly because of the pool bug. I need to keep that going at least a little bit. D6 was just ranked in the top 25 FIDE rated girls under 7, so that's pretty cool. Granted the competition among 6 and 7 year girls isn't that strong even on the national or international level, but it would make sense to keep playing a bit longer. We'll see which game she likes most, or maybe she can keep doing both.
OK, wow. I talked a lot about games. I guess that's where my heart is. I've been working hard on my poker game. I love pool more, but there simply isn't any competition or opportunity to compete. So I've been trying to master my back up game. I am not professional level at poker, but I'm closing in. I'll never be as good as I am at pool, but the games are soft and everywhere, so at least I can compete. And if I'm going to do something, I want to do it well. For me the most fun is the hard work, study, reading books, working out the math longhand with a pen and paper, posting on forums, reviewing hands, listening to podcasts while working out, etc. Just playing would be boring. I like to work. And having new ideas to practice makes playing more fun. So that's what I've been doing for fun.
What else? Hmm...XW, yeah, I have a couple of funny XW stories I could tell. The house got pelted with hail and insurance is covering it. There is a $1,000 deductible. She asked me for half. I checked with my L and was told it is 100% her responsibility. I told XW that but offered to put her in touch with a roofer I knew that had some ideas on how to LEGALLY minimize the out of pocket. She literally responded with "Is it worth going to court over $500?" I was just like ZOMG! Really, we're going to go straight to the court threats?!? LOL. The funny part is doesn't it work both ways? I mean, isn't it also her choosing to go to court over the $500? OK, but that doesn't matter. It's a universe away. My L also told me that if XW doesn't contribute to the children's braces that anything I pay towards necessary medical or dental expenses that she was supposed to can be deducted from my support payments. For anyone that has followed me you'll know I made sure I was not only fair financially, but MORE than fair (as is evidenced that I am still living with my mom and 3 children in a 2 bedroom apartment)...but it is nice to know that there is an end to my ties with XW. She has been continuing to get in my pocket book casting herself as a perpetual victim and feeling perpetually entitled because she's the kids mom and is 'doing her best' so that should be enough. All I want is to STOP getting emails and texts asking for more money or making excuses about why I need to pay her end of things. I just want this done. Over. Behind us. Sheesh. I gave and gave and gave and signed over everything to be allowed to move on, and she's doing everything possible to try to keep rehashing and gold digging. So yes, I'm totally done, and if I need to go to court over $500 or braces then at this point I will do so. This actually WON'T go to court because there's nothing to debate. She is responsible for herself and her part of the kids expenses. This is not a court case. This is her either paying, or me paying directly on her behalf our of her support. I take no satisfaction in her hardship, but I take great satisfaction in justice and having my rights to my own life free of her being upheld.
But this is just trivial. And while I talk about games, and kids, and work, and all that...really, I am still enjoying the space between. If there's one thing I've learned from all of this it's that life doesn't get any better than the here and now. It just doesn't. There is pain and heartache and loss and suffering and nothing quite goes the way we long for it to. The truth is that since BD (Shoot, I think today is actually my 3 year antiversary, I only noticed because of my signature line, and that's a cool sign!) nothing will ever be right again. At least not compared to how I wanted it, or longed for it to be. But that has freed me and forced me to recognize the things that are beautiful within the remains. My time with my kids is perfect. Even posting right now and writing all of this is sublime. The other day on 25year's thread I posted a couple of replies and found exactly the right words I was looking for. That is satisfying to me. So yes, there will always be a hole in my heart and my life, and I will always regret that I can't share moments of pride and joy and intimacy and companionship and love with the mother of my children, I still am filled with abundance. It's like being at a Thanksgiving feast where the turkey got eaten by the dog. Too bad. It would've been nice to have turkey on TG, and that would've made the meal complete and just right. But hey, we're not going to let that stupid chocolate lab wreck our meal, right?!? Heck no. There's plenty of stuffing and scalloped potatoes and cranberry and corn casserole and pumpkin pie to make this one heck of a holiday.
OK, I'm getting myself hungry now. I think I'm going to see if I have any of those things in my fridge...hmm, no, looks like it's going to be microwave burritos. Hey, I'm a bachelor now. Don't judge...
Thanks gang, love all of you, take care and have a great weekend.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
PS- Jelly- I know you are stealthily reading this. Thank you for following. I won't bump your thread and force a reply, but no one has forgotten about you. Hope you are having a good weekend. If you don't know what else to do, shoot some pool
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Oh, one more thing. In regards to XW...she is a great mom to the kids. The fact is that there is her and me, and there is her and the kids. She is great with the kids. I am very blessed and appreciative of that. The her and me part doesn't matter. I can take care of myself. I'm so lucky that the kids are loved by her and she loves them and is there for them. And while the money grab attempts like the mythical hydra seem to grow two new heads for every one I slice off, I will happily fight a snake monster for life as long as my kids have a safe, happy home. She is a good spirit with human shortcomings in a misguided culture. And in the end, aren't we all? It just didn't feel right to focus on the one negative of the situation. The important stuff is all good.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
