Latest is that W asked me last night why I seem so distant. She lives with another man. Our marriage failed bc of me being distant. I aggressively pursued her after discovery. Didn't work so now I'm detaching. I may have detached a little bit much so now its a new "middle" plan.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Not that bold yet! My reply was I know your schedule. You only really talk M-TH during working hours. Friday through Sunday you don't talk unless we are in person. Easy way of putting is that she will talk my head off by text during week but weekend and nights she's dark bc she lives with OM.
I'm wore out for now and she's going to Mexico today so I will take a week breather.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
So I finally stopped being stubborn and went to IC. That guy was actually awesome and my insurance covers which is great. He specializes in MC so that was good. As many of you mentioned, me and W went to a general counselor for M counseling and it backfired. Big time. He was telling her to move back in, being pushy. That shot her right out the door.
His wife and my wife have the exact same backgrounds. Abandoned by parents bc of drugs. Sexually abused by random people mothers brought over. His MIL missed their child's birth bc in jail, my MIL missed our wedding bc of jail. I'm optimistic that this will do some good for me anyway. We talked about me being selfish in a good way. To stop being concerned with everything else and do something for me. We will scratch the surface next week.
I politely asked my friends to stop sending me updates. I don't have social media and they send me screenshots of W and APs latest adventures. W is in Mexico and she posted the flowers AP sent her in Mexico. Their relationship is exhausting with how much stuff they do. I hope she doesn't try to come back when they run out of money lol
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
This may be beyond the scope of DB so I apologize in advance. I plan to bring this up to IC next week. Any advice on the matter or good reads is appreciated. I've never said this so here goes nothing.
I've had several weeks now to detach, been giving it a good faith effort. I've been doing several things to improve myself. Starting minor and building my way up since I was at such a low point.
After much internal deliberation and denial, my problem is that I don't know how to love. There was no specific trigger that I'm aware of but I can remember as a teenager I started detaching from my family. Couldn't tell you why but it happened. I find this especially troubling bc I have such a great family. Truth is I have trouble telling them I love them to this day. Makes me sick but that's the truth. I rarely call them first, its them who makes the initial contact.
I did not have this problem with my wife for the first several years bc of limerance, butterflies, and excitement. Once all that wore off same problem reared its head. I constantly asked myself WTF is wrong with me. I have some sort of guard up for no reason to speak of.
I'm big, muscular, smart, athletic, and good looking. My best man said in his speech that I have the purest heart of anyone hes ever met. After the speech, my wife and other friends came up and said the same thing. 99% of the time I see a homeless person I give them money or go buy food and come back. When I see a personal or animal in distress, I help. Guess Im trying to say is that my heart is big on the surface, but it doesn't run deep. I have so much to be thankful for but Im not thankful. I don't think I've ever felt happiness for any extended period of time. Never been real depressed either. Just a constant state of feeling mediocre. In actuality, I should be happy and thankful for the life I was given.
All this to say is that has been a major issue. Its what ran my wife off. Its what made me feel insecure about developing relationships with people. I do want to mend my relationship with my wife but it will never happen without resolving this. To be frank, I'll never have any descent relationship with another woman without treating it.
This is very hard to admit but I don't see living a fulfilling life without taking this guard down. Any good reads or advice on this? I understand that there is probably not a step by step fix but maybe a story to give me a better perspective.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Try looking into a CBT counselor. Recognizing you have a problem is the first step in working on it so congrats for that revelation. Now put it into action.
Wife has told me repeatedly I don't know how to love and love is not natural for me. Maybe a doc can help with CBT. Maybe meds, who knows. I tried some serotonin meds for a week several years ago and it made me tired and impotent so I quit after a week. Wife was very mad I quit.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Latest is that W asked me last night why I seem so distant.
Because Im not interested in having a relationship with you while you are in a relationship with another man.
Sometimes I wish there was a like button. It's too bad that we forget that honest answers are ok. And it's honest to say that I don't want anything to do with you when your "living" with OM...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut I hear ya. That wouldn't have been a honest answer for me at the time. But ya know this has been such a drain. These last 2-3 weeks we talked twice. It's allowed me to cool down alot. Since I was chasing so much and decided to stop, I honestly have no idea what to even talk about now with her. You can only talk about the weather, gym and work so much. Been a good thing though, allowing me to put M aside and work through my issues.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
