Hi, I'm looking forward to any advice and learning what I can to turn things around in my life. Thank you in advance for any help you can offer. My story: Starts well before recent events but I will start when things came to a head. May 28th w and I had a stupid fight over a drink of water of all things. The fight was stupid and really not important but more was the tipping point for all that lead up to it. W decided she needed space ... I did the usual I love you I'll change that have always worked before ( I mean them but never have been able to follow through) Eventually I tried my best to just give her the space she asked for. After 2 weeks of this I sat her down and and asked her where we stand ... this was the bd last saturday. We have been married 27 years . I put on as brave a face as I could swallowed my emotions and did the best I could to understand how she is feeling. I do have suspicions of some type of A lots of signs nothing concrete. Yesterday she asked me about a business trip scheduled for next week. I was completely honest when I told her I canceled because I felt like I could not focus on what I wold be there for. This made her angry that I was trying to make her feel guilty , not my intention at all. I later txted back with this text: "You don't get to choose how I feel or react. Saying things like "you can't change" "Your lazy" " you don't" "You can't " "You wont" Only chip at my self esteem And give me a "why bother attitude"! Unfortunately that makes your prediction come true. I'm no longer letting anyone choose what I can or cannot acheive, how I feel , or what my intentions are. I don't think it's unreasonable to be upset , worried and distracted. Everyone I love and care about is on the line If I didn't care I wouldn't feel anything. I've used the time to do some soul searching , to try and identify where things go wrong and how to change them. I'm not going to get bogged down in either of our past mistakes that I cannot change. I'm focused on the right here and now what I can do to improve and moving forward"
This did get a response and ultimately a txt saying don't txt me anymore.
What's odd is she was a little nicer last evening, has txted me multiple times today for nothing and then informs me that she offered our freinds to stay with us Saturday (tomorrow) I just replied ok.
I am about halfway through the db book and am wondering if you all might think these are the little signs I should be looking for? Sorry I know it's long
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Like Yoda says, "To the right place you have come." And, like Spock would say, there's a 99.357% chance your wife is having an affair (zero emotion in the delivery).
WWs (wayward wives not wild women) have a knack for drawing their husbands into hostile communications (aka fights); it makes it easier for them to go about the business of being naughty.
Doodle , Thanks for the response. I'm realistic that's probally the case and have already decided to forgive and move on if that ever comes to light.. not bringing it up until I'm certain. Things I like to do are photography and Competitive shooting , don't worry I'm stable and have an extremely high threshold before I lose it lol. I started counceling this week however I requested to see someone different after learning about the solution based approach
Hello and welcome! Like Cadet said, you've been given the gift of time. Most people come here wanting to know what to do RIGHT NOW to put things back to "normal". Unfortunately people who come here are well beyond that stage. Your W has been harboring resentment for months or even (more likely in your case due to the length of your M) years. What took that long to break will take just as long or longer to fix. This is a marathon. Settle in. My advice right now is give your W LOTS of time and space. Don't say anything to her beyond small talk. Anything you say is likely to just cause further damage.
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W decided she needed space ... I did the usual I love you I'll change that have always worked before ( I mean them but never have been able to follow through)
Exactly, and now she's given up hope. She doesn't think you will EVER change. So if you want her back you have to change, and you have to make those changes permanent. At first she'll think you're trying to trick her into coming back, but show her the changes consistently and for a long enough time and she'll eventually believe them.
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I do have suspicions of some type of A lots of signs nothing concrete.
A WAW almost always has an affair, whether physical (PA), emotional (EA) or even imaginary (IA). It's part of their way of escaping a marriage they can no longer tolerate.
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I later txted back with this text: "You don't get to choose how I feel or react. Saying things like "you can't change" "Your lazy" " you don't" "You can't " "You wont" Only chip at my self esteem etc. etc. etc.
Wow. I hope that was before you read DB, and that now that you've read much of it you know how damaging and horrible that text was. That's definitely "more of the same" behavior and just solidifying her belief that leaving you is the right thing to do. Please read the links in Cadet's post, especially the one about validation.
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This did get a response and ultimately a txt saying don't txt me anymore.
I'm not surprised, and she's right, you need to quit texting her and give her time and space.
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What's odd is she was a little nicer last evening, has txted me multiple times today for nothing and then informs me that she offered our freinds to stay with us Saturday (tomorrow) I just replied ok.
That's not really that odd, usually a WAW will suddenly become very pleasant after BD because they feel a great weight has been lifted and they've taken the first step towards escaping.
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I am about halfway through the db book and am wondering if you all might think these are the little signs I should be looking for?
You're in a marathon, not a sprint. It's way too soon to expect to see any signs or baby steps towards reconciliation. Be patient, right now you just need to start laying the groundwork.
Another stander, Tough pill to swallow but I appriciate your honesty. I know it's broken and I know I've contributed but I'm one half . I've backed off almost completely and have responded to her txt today very brief ok, ect ...she seems to be talking more so I don't want to blow her off
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes and how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Ok so it goes without saying that if I knew how to resolve this and make real changes , i wouldnt be here in the first place. Worst part is I solve complex problems for a living! I know that what is observed on the surface almost always has some underlying root cause that often times is well hidden. My mind works to solve problems the more complex the harder it works sometimes until my head hurts it's a gift and a curse. At the time I sent the txt I thought it said what needed to be said and demonstrated how powerful words can be in determinig an outcome. I now see that not only may I have made my point but my own words might have affected my own outcome.
Ok so I guess the most pressing advice I need at the moment is Our freinds will be spending the night tomorrow while in the area , they have no idea of our current situation how would you recommend I try and handle this they have known us over 20 years acting normal might be difficult
I know it's broken and I know I've contributed but I'm one half .
There's a chapter in DB called "It takes One to Tango". The gist of it is if you want to save your M, YOU will be doing ALL of the work. This isn't a 50-50 effort. Your W is done and checked out. She's not going to put forth one bit of effort, because she doesn't want the M. So it's all on you my friend.
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I've backed off almost completely and have responded to her txt today very brief ok, ect ...she seems to be talking more so I don't want to blow her off
A lot of people think "giving them space" means "being rude, indifferent and uncommunicative", LOL! No that's not it at all. Do you know Sandi's rules?
^^That will help you understand what your communications should be like. NO relationship talk. NO following her around. NO constant texting/ emailing/ calling. Just back off and give her space, and when SHE wants to talk then you're there for her. You're friendly, open, and most of all a great LISTENER and VALIDATOR.
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My mind works to solve problems the more complex the harder it works sometimes until my head hurts it's a gift and a curse.
I think that's what kills a lot of us guys going through this is we're "fix it" types, and we just want to know what formula to apply to this particular problem to make it go away. But your W is scared, confused and in turmoil right now. As I described in another thread it's like a violent storm is raging inside her head right now. Outwardly she may appear calm and confident, but inside she's really torn up trying to figure out if she's doing the right thing or not. She'll change her mind constantly, and as a result you'll see a lot of mixed signals. All you can do to help is to not help. That's why we keep stressing giving her time and space, she's got to sort things out and anything you say is going to interfere with that, especially early on in the sitch. There's no magic trick or formula that can resolve emotions. IE, you're trying to solve a problem that has no constants, only variables!
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At the time I sent the txt I thought it said what needed to be said and demonstrated how powerful words can be in determinig an outcome. I now see that not only may I have made my point but my own words might have affected my own outcome.
The whole message basically said "I don't care what you want W, nothing matters but what I want." It trampled all over her feelings. And her feelings are super raw right now! So again, time and space, and listen and validate when she gives you the opportunity. It's not a deal-killer, just a backslide. We've all been there!
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Ok so I guess the most pressing advice I need at the moment is Our freinds will be spending the night tomorrow while in the area , they have no idea of our current situation how would you recommend I try and handle this they have known us over 20 years acting normal might be difficult
Usually WAS's only confide in one or two very close friends. Your W may very well have said nothing to these particular friends, and you shouldn't either. If your W does say something to anyone and they happen to ask you, do not tell them anything other than "well we're having a rough spot, but we're working on it." Save your real thoughts and feelings for here and/ or for a friend you have that does not know your W. A lot of DBing is presenting a calm, confident, secure you to your W (and to any common friends and family) to try and attract her back, even though you may be feeling like a beat up, pathetic wretch, LOL!
This week's update: As I felt like my life was in a free fall without a parachute I kept digging into the very few clues that she left. I was finally able to connect enough dots and confronted W with my suspicions. She didn't deny speaking or meet in this person but I sits he is "helping her through somthing" I let her know I don't belive that for a second. Reading his fb posts for the couple months leading up to this I am certain what his intentions are. I did message him to put him on notice not a threat but just to let him know I know. Instead of replying somthing along the lines that he was sorry for over stepping bounds he told on me lol. That spoke volumes as far as I'm concerned. Ok so right or wrong all of this actually made me feel a little better I guess because the suspicions with out know was eating me alive. I left the door open to work this out and told her I would be available to talk when she was ready. That was Monday. Since monday I have been 180 No txts , being scarce ect. She has txted me a few times each day just general nothing txts Ive been keeping reply short and polite. This weekend I have an event she expressed she still wanted to go to but would change her plans if I wanted her Not there , I did tell her of course I wanted her to go. I'm not sure 100% how to handle the weekend. I know that I've made mistakes and will continue to make them but I'm trying to pick myself up and try again and again This is hard no doubt. Most of the time this week I have been able to get back toto not obsess but occasionally over welding thoughts creep in that just crush me. I also asked to change therepist to an sbt therepist 1st session with them later this week Sorry long looking for feedback to help what I did right what I did wrong and maybe how to deal with negative thoughts when they creep in Thank you
If she does go to this event with you don't be all mopey, pissy, angry, etc. That's very unattractive. Be the life of the party, or whatever it is. Full of life and confidence BUT toward YOUR enjoyment and happiness at the event. Don't do a darn thing toward hers. Be aloof toward her. After all, she has betrayed you and strong confident people don't tolerate that. Be "as if" toward her. Not mean, not rude, not angry, just a general "who gives sh*t about you..."
If you act mopey, pissy, angry, etc. that'll make you look weak and very unattractive and validate to her that the OM is a better choice. If you do as I say then you'll look very attractive and she'll respond. When she does you have to resist the urge to respond back. They want what they can't have. If you're a guarantee for her then she won't want you.
Become the absolute best version of yourself that you've ever been. Workout, update your wardrobe, be strong, happy, confident, and give off the attitude that you're going to have a great life with or without her.
Nope, it's not easy. Especially if they respond to the 180 and start temperature checking, giving messages of hope (false hope). You have to stay aloof. They have to win you back, not the other way around. Some of it may feel counter-intuitive but it works. The mistake I made was trying the other way (your way, so many other BS's ways) for almost 3 years. It was soul sucking and leading me nowhere. My emotional health was so poor that it manifested into physical health issues. One day I woke up and thought to myself wow, why are you letting this kill you? No other person is worth that. Like magic I found my strength. I looked in the mirror. I was 30 lbs over weight, my wardrobe was dated, I was always depressed and moping around lamenting my situation.
I said enough. I started a diet and exercise program that day. I STOPPED all contact with my WW unless absolutely necessary for the kids and then I was as detached as possible with the "as if" attitude. She noticed right away. She could see that I was no longer wrapped around her finger and she HATED that. I kept getting stronger, more fit, doing more GAL. Started going to concerts again with friends. Met new friends at the gym. Started riding a bicycle. She noticed. All the sudden my fancy new life looked great. Much better than her fancy new (cheater) life. I was way more attractive than OM. I was in shaped, dressed to kill, and couldn't care less about her. One day I was headed out, she asked where are you going, I said "out", she said can I come with you, I said "nope" and started to leave. She yelled "wait, please!!!" I turned around and watched as she had complete and total meltdown on our living room floor. Sobbing uncontrollably. All her cocky cheater strength and snarky attitude gone. All her WW thinking gone in a white hot second. Saying how she screwed up and loved me blah blah blah. You know what? All I could think was how pathetic and unattractive she looked (sound familiar?). From that moment on I was being pursued by her. Not the other way around. I pretty much dictated that I had a great new life going. Her betrayal had spurred me into action and I was going to be fine. I didn't need her at all. I did say we're still married and you can be part of my awesome life but there are rules and boundaries that we both live by. First, we love, honor, and cherish each other. Any break from that and I'm gone! No cheating, no flirting, no ANYTHING with anyone else but your spouse.
You do that my man and you put yourself in a no-lose situation. She either wants in on your great new life or you move on because I promise you'll be attractive and other women will want to be a part of your life. Women love strong, confident men. No cheating bastard OM can ever compare to an honest, strong, confident man so be that man. Good luck.
Its funny that you mentioned the aloof part because she seems to be acting that way towards me. No matter, Ive got a plan that I will follow I've already dropped 20lb and have started working out (Weight mainly from stress) so I'm going to go with it and try and keep it off and lose me Thanks for the input it's greatly appriciate happy to hear a story that turned out well
Back from weekend event. Overall went well, tempeture of things was luke warm compared to cold. I did my thing payed attention when she wanted me to held hands a couple time but only breifly. Noticed her spending tons of time on her phone txting or whatever bothered me alot but didn't say anything about it. Still trying to stay the course and not un do any progress thus far. First sbt appoint on thurs. She mentioned possibly camping next weekend I didn't really ask any other details so will have to see what goes this week will keep doing the 180 but cer Will be open to communication when she initiates.
Glad to hear that your weekend went well. I personally hate it when my W is texting most likely OM, while were out doing something together. Especially if were out as a family. But you did good maintaining your cool. And it seems that she is interested in doing more together. So it seems to be going in the right direction.
Ha! WAS's and their phones! My W slept with her phone in her hand! I'd wake up at 2am and see her checking her phone for messages. They get their enablers all lined up and text them day and night for affirmations. It's all part of it. The worst thing you can do is snoop. The best thing you can do is act like you don't care about it.
Yea , It does drive me absolutley crazy! I know she checks it at all hours day or night. Outwardly I don't let her see it driving me nuts. Inside I want to f'n scream. Getting easier to appear like I could care less , just starting to keep my self busy
Overall went well, tempeture of things was luke warm compared to cold. I did my thing payed attention when she wanted me to held hands a couple time but only breifly. Noticed her spending tons of time on her phone txting or whatever bothered me alot but didn't say anything about it.
I want to make sure I have this right. She has brought a third person into the MR. She was with you at this function and spending most of her time on the phone texting..............and you held hands with her? Who initiated?
She is aware that you know she's cheating, right? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Take this tip for whatever you think it's worth. The longer a WW sees her BH tolerating her disrespect for him, and she sees him trying to cling to a MR she is dishonoring......the less she will care about him. Why? B/c she is wayward and no longer thinks like the the girl she use to be. (Unless you M a wayward woman from the getgo). Therefore, you may have to change how you interact with her and deal with this situation. You aren't dealing with just a bad MR......you are dealing with a wayward, and it won't be a pleasant experience for either of you. IMHO, the MR won't get a lot better until she ends her wayward behavior.
Whenever a wife is wayward, it's b/c she has lost respect for her H. The way a wife loves her H is tied to the level of respect she holds for him. When resentment and unresolved issues are growing in her heart, her feelings of desire and attraction for him give way to disgust, anger, and disrespect. In order for her to truly have those loving feelings again.......it has to start with her respecting her H. Therefore, he can't be in competition with the OM, and try to romance her back into the MR. Perhaps it worked before M, but things are much different now.
I have seen the majority of male newcomers look at winning back their WW, as if it were a challenge. Well, it is a challenge, alright. However, I think the nature of most men are to be fixers, and they are motivated to undertake their broken R and "fix it". They usually begin (with encouragement from the board members) by trying to become the H they think their W wants. The problem that arises in many cases, is that the H goes into Super-Husband mode. He sees it falling under the title of improving himself. Sadly, this usually fails to fix the M problems, and in fact......causes her to feel even more disrespect, b/c she knows she is doing him wrong and that he should not put up with it.
My suggestion is to find the man you were before M. Women don't fall in love with a guy b/c he does all of her chores, or he becomes a "yes dear" type. So many M problems are caused when the individuals stop being the people they were when the other one fell in love with them.
Please stay balanced. You can fix yourself, but you can't fix her. And truthfully, until she ends this A with the OM, there will be things you can't fix about the MR. What she may have complained about in the past, doesn't necessarily apply now. You could put on the Super H cape to wear every day, and it would not fix the issues. Although she may use something from the past to blame you........the big problem now is her wayward mindset. You can't fix her waywardness.......but honey, you can have a powerful influence. There is one thing a WW respects............strength. She respects a man who won't tolerate her BS. A man who does not reward her bad behavior. A man who is not afraid to stand up to her.......or other people in his life. A man who has firm boundaries, and the confidence to enforce them when necessary. A man who is wise to her games and she cannot manipulate. So, when thinking upon the things you want to change or improve, I hope you will consider adding these things to your list.
Keep posting!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey DO428, sorry you're here but reading your thread I just want to back up what TXhubby and what the others have said. My BD is pretty new and raw too but you definitely need to focus on you. You haven't mentioned kids which in one way is a blessing, you can meltdown in tears whenever you want, but in another way a curse because you have to be strong for them if you have them so can't wallow in self pity.
Work on you and what you like doing. One of the guys said to me today what is your passion, passion is sexy and if you haven't found it yet start looking. I know what mine is it's dancing and tomorrow I am finding a dance class asap.
Good luck, keep in touch and stay strong!
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Hey TX, sorry I'm hijacking on someone elses post but couldn't work out how to find yours. Could you take a look at mine if you get chance, I like your no BS approach and straight talking
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Hey TX, sorry I'm hijacking on someone elses post but couldn't work out how to find yours. Could you take a look at mine if you get chance, I like your no BS approach and straight talking
No problem. I stick around to give my two cents about what has worked and hasn't worked for me. I feel a special bond with other BS's/LBS's.
Hey TX, sorry I'm hijacking on someone elses post but couldn't work out how to find yours. Could you take a look at mine if you get chance, I like your no BS approach and straight talking
I forgot to add, let me do some homework/reading of all your posts and then we'll talk.
Yea , It does drive me absolutley crazy! I know she checks it at all hours day or night. Outwardly I don't let her see it driving me nuts. Inside I want to f'n scream. Getting easier to appear like I could care less , just starting to keep my self busy
Hello D0428,
She knows you know about OM, right?
She is cake eating in a major way. She gets to carry on with OM on her phone, etc and keep you around as plan B. Would you say that she has the best of both worlds without any consequences?
Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
This week's update:(it's a good one) Ok so tuesday I got home from work early Noticed that fb activity stopped around 1 for about 2 hrs and counting so I theorized that if your not chatting anymore you must be with the person with whom you chat. Long story short found my truck in a driveway where the few clues I had lead me. I txted her a pic while she was there and waited for her to leave. She told me oh that's just my girl freind (whom I've never heard of) I told her I wasn't there by accident and clues I follows had nothing to do with girl she mentioned. I'm not sure what hurts more the A or the out right lies to my face. So after the initial anger friday I told her I love her and that I would get out of her way so she could find whatever she is looking for. I'm in NC mode focused on getting my house ready for sale, my kids , and my exit strategy should things not turn around. It's like she's living in some altered reality.
Oh almost forgot she replied thanks that means alot , I'll be much happier in the long run because she was never a good wife. Well I can tell you here I was never unhappy and thought she was / is a great wife and mother. (Except current) I know she is rationalizing my question is is that a phase or will she always try to rationalize because it's obvious she does not want to face the truth or the facts even caught.
Man is this hard! I'm a couple days into NC Most of the time I feel great almost carefree staying focused on house kids and whatnot. Then without warning ryhme or reason reality hits me and I feel real low. This whole thing [censored]! Just feel better when I vent Thx
Need help understanding what is happening Ok so after confronation w found out her mom and I had compared notes she was not happy about this . Now after barley talking to me at all the last month she's talking more but flips between happy normal type nothing conversations to the whole I can't do anything right type of stuff that was going on in the months leading up to this. When that happens I disengage as best I can and become scarce. Obviously my NC has invoked a change in the R just trying to understand what's happening
Ok so after confronation w found out her mom and I had compared notes she was not happy about this
This is in DB, but you should NEVER "rally the troops" against a WAW. This looks like control and manipulation to them, and if there was that in the M then it's "more of the same" behavior which is absolute poison to trying to rebuild a R with your W.
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Now after barley talking to me at all the last month she's talking more but flips between happy normal type nothing conversations to the whole I can't do anything right type of stuff that was going on in the months leading up to this. When that happens I disengage as best I can and become scarce. Obviously my NC has invoked a change in the R just trying to understand what's happening
NC is more for you than her. It's to get you off her roller coaster of emotions, which she is clearly still going through. I would suggest going NC again. And don't talk to her mom about the R anymore. If you want to talk about the R then come here or find a friend that doesn't know your W and has no contact with her. To mutual friends and family just put on a happy face and tell them about your awesome GAL activities. Remember Sandi's rules, you want your W to think you've had an awakening and are moving on with your life.
"12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude."
