Hi, I'm looking forward to any advice and learning what I can to turn things around in my life. Thank you in advance for any help you can offer. My story: Starts well before recent events but I will start when things came to a head. May 28th w and I had a stupid fight over a drink of water of all things. The fight was stupid and really not important but more was the tipping point for all that lead up to it. W decided she needed space ... I did the usual I love you I'll change that have always worked before ( I mean them but never have been able to follow through) Eventually I tried my best to just give her the space she asked for. After 2 weeks of this I sat her down and and asked her where we stand ... this was the bd last saturday. We have been married 27 years . I put on as brave a face as I could swallowed my emotions and did the best I could to understand how she is feeling. I do have suspicions of some type of A lots of signs nothing concrete. Yesterday she asked me about a business trip scheduled for next week. I was completely honest when I told her I canceled because I felt like I could not focus on what I wold be there for. This made her angry that I was trying to make her feel guilty , not my intention at all. I later txted back with this text: "You don't get to choose how I feel or react. Saying things like "you can't change" "Your lazy" " you don't" "You can't " "You wont" Only chip at my self esteem And give me a "why bother attitude"! Unfortunately that makes your prediction come true. I'm no longer letting anyone choose what I can or cannot acheive, how I feel , or what my intentions are. I don't think it's unreasonable to be upset , worried and distracted. Everyone I love and care about is on the line If I didn't care I wouldn't feel anything. I've used the time to do some soul searching , to try and identify where things go wrong and how to change them. I'm not going to get bogged down in either of our past mistakes that I cannot change. I'm focused on the right here and now what I can do to improve and moving forward"
This did get a response and ultimately a txt saying don't txt me anymore.
What's odd is she was a little nicer last evening, has txted me multiple times today for nothing and then informs me that she offered our freinds to stay with us Saturday (tomorrow) I just replied ok.
I am about halfway through the db book and am wondering if you all might think these are the little signs I should be looking for? Sorry I know it's long
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Like Yoda says, "To the right place you have come." And, like Spock would say, there's a 99.357% chance your wife is having an affair (zero emotion in the delivery).
WWs (wayward wives not wild women) have a knack for drawing their husbands into hostile communications (aka fights); it makes it easier for them to go about the business of being naughty.
Doodle , Thanks for the response. I'm realistic that's probally the case and have already decided to forgive and move on if that ever comes to light.. not bringing it up until I'm certain. Things I like to do are photography and Competitive shooting , don't worry I'm stable and have an extremely high threshold before I lose it lol. I started counceling this week however I requested to see someone different after learning about the solution based approach
Hello and welcome! Like Cadet said, you've been given the gift of time. Most people come here wanting to know what to do RIGHT NOW to put things back to "normal". Unfortunately people who come here are well beyond that stage. Your W has been harboring resentment for months or even (more likely in your case due to the length of your M) years. What took that long to break will take just as long or longer to fix. This is a marathon. Settle in. My advice right now is give your W LOTS of time and space. Don't say anything to her beyond small talk. Anything you say is likely to just cause further damage.
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W decided she needed space ... I did the usual I love you I'll change that have always worked before ( I mean them but never have been able to follow through)
Exactly, and now she's given up hope. She doesn't think you will EVER change. So if you want her back you have to change, and you have to make those changes permanent. At first she'll think you're trying to trick her into coming back, but show her the changes consistently and for a long enough time and she'll eventually believe them.
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I do have suspicions of some type of A lots of signs nothing concrete.
A WAW almost always has an affair, whether physical (PA), emotional (EA) or even imaginary (IA). It's part of their way of escaping a marriage they can no longer tolerate.
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I later txted back with this text: "You don't get to choose how I feel or react. Saying things like "you can't change" "Your lazy" " you don't" "You can't " "You wont" Only chip at my self esteem etc. etc. etc.
Wow. I hope that was before you read DB, and that now that you've read much of it you know how damaging and horrible that text was. That's definitely "more of the same" behavior and just solidifying her belief that leaving you is the right thing to do. Please read the links in Cadet's post, especially the one about validation.
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This did get a response and ultimately a txt saying don't txt me anymore.
I'm not surprised, and she's right, you need to quit texting her and give her time and space.
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What's odd is she was a little nicer last evening, has txted me multiple times today for nothing and then informs me that she offered our freinds to stay with us Saturday (tomorrow) I just replied ok.
That's not really that odd, usually a WAW will suddenly become very pleasant after BD because they feel a great weight has been lifted and they've taken the first step towards escaping.
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I am about halfway through the db book and am wondering if you all might think these are the little signs I should be looking for?
You're in a marathon, not a sprint. It's way too soon to expect to see any signs or baby steps towards reconciliation. Be patient, right now you just need to start laying the groundwork.
Another stander, Tough pill to swallow but I appriciate your honesty. I know it's broken and I know I've contributed but I'm one half . I've backed off almost completely and have responded to her txt today very brief ok, ect ...she seems to be talking more so I don't want to blow her off
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes and how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Ok so it goes without saying that if I knew how to resolve this and make real changes , i wouldnt be here in the first place. Worst part is I solve complex problems for a living! I know that what is observed on the surface almost always has some underlying root cause that often times is well hidden. My mind works to solve problems the more complex the harder it works sometimes until my head hurts it's a gift and a curse. At the time I sent the txt I thought it said what needed to be said and demonstrated how powerful words can be in determinig an outcome. I now see that not only may I have made my point but my own words might have affected my own outcome.
Ok so I guess the most pressing advice I need at the moment is Our freinds will be spending the night tomorrow while in the area , they have no idea of our current situation how would you recommend I try and handle this they have known us over 20 years acting normal might be difficult
I know it's broken and I know I've contributed but I'm one half .
There's a chapter in DB called "It takes One to Tango". The gist of it is if you want to save your M, YOU will be doing ALL of the work. This isn't a 50-50 effort. Your W is done and checked out. She's not going to put forth one bit of effort, because she doesn't want the M. So it's all on you my friend.
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I've backed off almost completely and have responded to her txt today very brief ok, ect ...she seems to be talking more so I don't want to blow her off
A lot of people think "giving them space" means "being rude, indifferent and uncommunicative", LOL! No that's not it at all. Do you know Sandi's rules?
^^That will help you understand what your communications should be like. NO relationship talk. NO following her around. NO constant texting/ emailing/ calling. Just back off and give her space, and when SHE wants to talk then you're there for her. You're friendly, open, and most of all a great LISTENER and VALIDATOR.
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My mind works to solve problems the more complex the harder it works sometimes until my head hurts it's a gift and a curse.
I think that's what kills a lot of us guys going through this is we're "fix it" types, and we just want to know what formula to apply to this particular problem to make it go away. But your W is scared, confused and in turmoil right now. As I described in another thread it's like a violent storm is raging inside her head right now. Outwardly she may appear calm and confident, but inside she's really torn up trying to figure out if she's doing the right thing or not. She'll change her mind constantly, and as a result you'll see a lot of mixed signals. All you can do to help is to not help. That's why we keep stressing giving her time and space, she's got to sort things out and anything you say is going to interfere with that, especially early on in the sitch. There's no magic trick or formula that can resolve emotions. IE, you're trying to solve a problem that has no constants, only variables!
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At the time I sent the txt I thought it said what needed to be said and demonstrated how powerful words can be in determinig an outcome. I now see that not only may I have made my point but my own words might have affected my own outcome.
The whole message basically said "I don't care what you want W, nothing matters but what I want." It trampled all over her feelings. And her feelings are super raw right now! So again, time and space, and listen and validate when she gives you the opportunity. It's not a deal-killer, just a backslide. We've all been there!
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Ok so I guess the most pressing advice I need at the moment is Our freinds will be spending the night tomorrow while in the area , they have no idea of our current situation how would you recommend I try and handle this they have known us over 20 years acting normal might be difficult
Usually WAS's only confide in one or two very close friends. Your W may very well have said nothing to these particular friends, and you shouldn't either. If your W does say something to anyone and they happen to ask you, do not tell them anything other than "well we're having a rough spot, but we're working on it." Save your real thoughts and feelings for here and/ or for a friend you have that does not know your W. A lot of DBing is presenting a calm, confident, secure you to your W (and to any common friends and family) to try and attract her back, even though you may be feeling like a beat up, pathetic wretch, LOL!
