Stunned your pain is palpable and I am very sorry for you and hope it gets better soon. Give yourself a gift and stop snooping. I found so many things that would make reconciliation near impossible for both of us. You know enough. The sooner you detach the sooner the cycling and despair will end. That is the only thing that will make the pain go away.
I'm not even that mad, it's almost like a relief cause I had a feeling from day one that she was at least talking to someone else. And now I think it will help me detach cause I think I giant wall just went up around me heart. It hurts don't get me wrong but I'm not as upset as I thought I would be, but if I found this out a month ago I would've been devastated.
Well I had a moment of weakness today and asked the W if she cared to join me for a slurpee at 7 eleven after she got off work. (She loves slurpees) her reply was "I'm sorry. I can't". Idk why I asked cause I knew the answer, but she is meeting me tomorrow cause we both have to sign some documents about terminating our Ivf program. So she's fine meeting when it comes to tying up lose ends but not a casual meeting. Again I know it's only 4 weeks so I must pump the brakes
Yeah little things like this basically undo all the hard work you've put in up until now and reset you to zero. I can't tell you how many sitches I've read where someone says "I went NC on her for 3 days, today I asked her is she wanted to go have a slurpee (or whatever), she said no so I went NC again." Well guess what, that wasn't NC. NC means NO CONTACT, PERIOD. It doesn't mean no contact for a couple of days, then inviting them on a date! Because to THEM that just looks like "more of the same" behavior. "Geesh, he left me alone for a couple of days and then asks me out? Seriously? Why can't he just leave me alone?" Sandi has posted some amazing threads on here that give some incredible insight into what a WAS is thinking. You should look up her threads. It's very eye-opening. Your W doesn't want to have anything to do with you right now. Hopefully that will change with time, but for now you need to understand that and respect that.
So we just met up till full out a form for our Ivf program and had to get it notarized. As we were in the store doing that she started tearing up. I touched her arm and ask if she was ok and she started tearing up even more. When we walked outside she was crying and said it's just hard going through this and I told her it doesn't have to be this way. We talked for a while just about the situation and I started crying too at times. I told her I know you have to do what you have to do for you right now, and don't be afraid to contact me if your feelings change. Then she stopped crying and started acting like well this is the way it has to be and this is what I'm doing. She started talking again about moving her stuff out and how she doesn't want me there cause it would make it awkward for her. It's like she's got this inner battle going on. Her lips are telling me one thing but her eyes are showing some something completely different.
When we walked outside she was crying and said it's just hard going through this and I told her it doesn't have to be this way.
Uuuuuuuugh. Don't say that! Once again, that's relationship pressure. She was opening up to you. What should you do at times like that? LISTEN. VALIDATE. EMPATHIZE. If you don't know what validation looks like, read this thread:
It's like she's got this inner battle going on. Her lips are telling me one thing but her eyes are showing some something completely different.
Are you familiar with Sandi's rules?
"Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared."
It seems like there's an inner battle going on because there IS!!!! She is hurting, scared, confused. Her mind is like a storm, hurricane force winds are blowing, waves are smashing against the rocks. What comes out of her mouth is basically detritus thrown out of that storm. She may say something completely different 5 minutes from now and again an hour from now. Why? Because of that raging storm. What can you do? Give her time and space. A LOT of it. More than you want to. More than you think is needed. And some more on top of that. One of my coworkers remarried his ex-wife last year. You know how long they were apart? 8 YEARS. It's been 5 years for me and it's only been in the last 6 months or so that my ex has suddenly warmed up to me and started asking me to help with projects around her house and such. A lot of people come here thinking things will be resolved in a couple of weeks, or a month. No, when we say this is a marathon we are not kidding.
No you're right I shouldn't of said that but at the time it just came out and I didn't even realize it.
I totally agree she has a hurricane of emotions right now especially since it's been just 4 weeks. She has definitely said some hurtful things and I do detacth myself as best I can and say to myself what she's saying isn't true. Maybe her tears were guilt? Maybe not? Idk and I don't think she even knows at this point. I do know that when she was sitting in her car I reached in to give her a quick hug and she grabbed me tightly and acted like she didtn want to let go. Another action I'll believe over her words right there.
Dang it Stunned, I hate reading yours, it reminds me of my sitch a lot. Some things that are helping me that you could consider:
1) You mentioned a song, I quit listening to music altogether. I was grocery shopping one day and our wedding song came on, I just parked my cart full of groceries and left. Music is hard with me.
2) They talk a lot about GAL which is right. I look at it a different way sometimes. Don't be bored. The second I'm bored, thoughts creep in. Read, run, slap yourself in the face, whatever.
3) Talk to humans face to face, or at least by phone. I used to be social but trapped myself in my house for months. Talk about no good.
4) Ignore these signs, dreams, clues, and all other hints. My wife would kiss me, hug me for an extended period of time, cry and say it was never supposed to be like this. Next week she is sno sking with other man. Many more examples but you get the picture. Unless she is begging and pleading to make yall work, I wouldn't put much thought in her words and actions.
5) My hardest, accept that this is happening. The more I denied it, the more delusional I got. About 3 weeks ago, I kicked my bathroom door off the hinges and cracked the tile on my bathroom cabinets. Guess what I'm trying to say is accept your reality at the moment and fix whatever you need to internally. My emotions got so bottled up I exploded. Now I have to fix by bathroom. Keep the collateral damage to a minimum.
Many of these are defensive plays, only you know what to do for your offense. Do whatever you need to improve yourself. Maybe something you neglected for a long time. NOW IS YOUR TIME.
I sincerely hope your sitch is an anomaly and gets resolved quickly to your favor. I'm on 9 months of separation, this isn't a quick process.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
I know I probably handled it poorly but when I see her opening up for a min like that it was like my words were coming out before I even realized it. Because my detachment is not as strong as I thought it was. And It really just seems like she's second guessing her self constantly when we are face to face but over text she's a lot colder it seems. So it just feels to me like when she's around me it changes her feelings in a way. Or maybe it's just guilt for hurting me idk? I can't ask her cause it would be a complete lie whatever came out of her mouth!
My bday is today and she actually did text me this morning first thing happy bday and told me she left a present in our computer room for me. Idk how to respond to that text, and I don't even want to open the gift. It just doesn't seem right opening it without her here. I want to tell her I'll open it when the times right but I don't think I should bday that or maybe I shouldn't reply at all to her text?
My bday is today and she actually did text me this morning first thing happy bday and told me she left a present in our computer room for me. Idk how to respond to that text, and I don't even want to open the gift. It just doesn't seem right opening it without her here. I want to tell her I'll open it when the times right but I don't think I should bday that or maybe I shouldn't reply at all to her text?
Remember the "friendly neighbor" rule. That's how your communications should be. If a friendly neighbor gave you a present how would you react? Probably with something like "wow that's awesome, thank you!" That's how you should reply. As to when to open it, you might just ask her "is it OK if I open it now or did you want me to wait until you're here?" That would be the polite thing to do. Just don't turn it into a relationship talk!
My bday is today and she actually did text me this morning first thing happy bday and told me she left a present in our computer room for me. Idk how to respond to that text, and I don't even want to open the gift. It just doesn't seem right opening it without her here. I want to tell her I'll open it when the times right but I don't think I should bday that or maybe I shouldn't reply at all to her text?
Remember the "friendly neighbor" rule. That's how your communications should be. If a friendly neighbor gave you a present how would you react? Probably with something like "wow that's awesome, thank you!" That's how you should reply. As to when to open it, you might just ask her "is it OK if I open it now or did you want me to wait until you're here?" That would be the polite thing to do. Just don't turn it into a relationship talk!
I just replied with a thank you that's very sweet of you for leaving a present I'll open it when the times right. And just left it at that
