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sjohns6 Offline OP
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I wanted to add a few things mentioned in our MC session last week that might be pertinent. I mentioned above that she said that she had been blaming me for things that now that she has had some time away that she realized were not my fault. She also said that she had 101 reasons that she wanted to make things work between us. I replied by asking if any of those things had anything to do with me because I could think of a bunch of reasons to ie: finances, missing the kids, not liking her apartment, etc. She said yes, they do include me. I followed up by asking if she had any desire to be with me at all. She said Of Course I do. I said that she couldn't say of course because she didn't show it.

I realize that during the MC session that I was having a hard time listening and understanding what she was saying as I wanted to say my own thing. I brought up how in the past months she has told me that maybe we weren't compatible, that I might be happier with someone else, that we got together too young, and that she couldn't be the loving wife I needed her to be. The counselor asked if she wanted to reply to that and she said that she said those things when she was really unhappy. She seemed to imply that she didn't feel that way, but she didn't actually say that. She looked a little ashamed about it, but hard to say for sure as it was more of a look than what she said.

I guess I wonder if her saying that she was blaming me for stuff that wasn't my fault, saying that she messed everything up, saying that there are many reasons to work things out (including me), and that she does have a desire to be with me...paired with small acts of spending more time around...even if it is still a little distant and awkward, are good signs. I feel like I need to get a handle on where we are since we have her housing situation to consider in the next couple of weeks. Either she is moving back home or finding a new apartment.


Me: 45 yrs
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sjohns6 Offline OP
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Wife came over last night and made dinner and hung out with the family again. The kids don't really like to spend the night at her apartment, and I think she is starting to realize that it isn't good for them. She might also be trying to spend a little more time at home to get used to being around again...but it may just be that she wants to spend time with them and doesn't want to make them go to the apartment when they don't want to (or maybe a little of both). Hard to say for sure. I wouldn't be trying to figure out intent right now if it wasn't for the timeline of her apartment lease (mentioned above). I find myself trying to see if we are at a point to where she could move back in and we could work on things.

I am also starting to realize that some of the awkwardness that exists between us when we are together is my own thoughts/feelings. They (my thoughts and feelings) are well deserved due to the circumstances of our relationship and her midlife crisis, but I also realize that they may not be warranted in the specific situations that I am deeming awkward. For example, when at the house she might sit there and play on her phone for 10 to 15 minutes. That triggers me to think, what is she doing, who is she texting, and I feel anxious about it. I realize that before all this mess started, I wouldn't think anything at all about her playing on her phone. I also realize that her playing on her phone doesn't mean anything. I think I have a bit to work on myself before we can work all this stuff out...regardless of where she's at mentally right now. I am just trying to figure out if my triggers are holding me back from recognizing whether or not she might be making a serious efforts to make things better. She has not come to me remorsefully yet to say that she is sorry and whatnot, but I feel that she might be close to that and some of her actions seem to suggest that she does have regret.

I've read somewhere on these forums, or maybe in one of the books, that the spouse is the last thing they come around on. I don't want to try and put timelines on things or rush us to a place that we aren't ready to be at yet...but I do need to know if her moving home right now would push us back with the progress we have made so far. Somewhere in the next week or so this is going to come up and I really want to be prepared for it.


Me: 45 yrs
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Reconnection goes - things - animals - children - us.

We are last.

So I agree stop reading too much into anything that is happening - lower your expectations, and my feeling is not to let her back into the house until you have a real marriage again.


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Have you read the thread on reconnection? If not, here's the link:

TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (new)

This thread may answer some of your questions/concerns. I agree w/the advice that Cadet has given you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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sjohns6 Offline OP
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Thanks for the advice.

Such a hard thing to judge since she didn't really seem to lose her connection with the pets and kids. I mean I guess by moving out she is putting her needs in front of theirs, but she has stayed very active with them trying to spend time with them and keep up with their schedules. The only obvious connection that seems to be lost is the one with me.

As far as letting her back in when we have a real marriage again, how do I judge that? I mean I realize that there will be a lot of work involved in restoring our marriage back to what it was (or something similar) and that it won't happen over night. If she is not displaying replay behavior and seems to be trying to stay present within the family and stop the activity that was hurting our relationship before, as well as going to counseling, and admitting to blaming me for things that weren't my fault, at what point to I consider her behavior a real marriage? I mean considering that restoring will take a while and although still a little awkward, maybe trying to be better.

To clarify, I am not trying to get you to say that she should move back in and we are in a good spot, I'm really just trying to figure out what it will mean to have a real marriage again given that it will take time to fix things. What benchmarks should I be looking for?

As always, thank you for talking me through this. It helps so much talking with people who actually know about this stuff.


Me: 45 yrs
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Daughter: 18 yrs
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sjohns6 Offline OP
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Thanks job. Not sure if I've read it, but I'll read it now...


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sjohns6 Offline OP
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I think I may have read that early on, but it wasn't pertinent to me then. Thanks for the link. That did help. Not sure if I know how to handle my situation, but it helped with some questions.

Her apartment has been killing us financially and its hard to know how we could continue to live like this. Whether she is better yet or not, we are working on things so we don't have any plans currently to split finances. Not sure if that really matters as a dollar is a dollar whether it comes from one account or another, but it does make it harder to tell her no if she wants to move back. To clarify on that, she has not asked to move back yet...but that is a discussion that will come up in the coming weeks and her moving back is one of 2 options she can consider.

Guess I have things to think about...


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Daughter: 18 yrs
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sjohns6 Offline OP
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I went back and read the 6 stages of MLC to get a better feel for the explanation in the link you sent since it references them. I think that maybe my wife is in the withdrawal stage. I am not sure that she is towards the end of it, which is where that link suggests that true connection will begin. Still not sure if her coming home now (or in 2 weeks rather) is a good idea. I want us to have the space we need to get to the place we need to be at, but the finances complicate everything.

I think for now I'll just keep trying to live each day and focus on what I can continue to do to better myself and spend time with the the kids. I'll deal with the apartment thing when it presents itself. Like I said, I just wanted to be prepared for that conversation as I know its coming, but I think I feel a little more prepped for it now. I think that's all I can ask for right now.


Me: 45 yrs
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Married: 15 yrs
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Keep the focus on you and living your life to the fullest. Leave a light on in the window and the door ajar and if she does make overtures to want to step over that threshold, then be patient and don't rush the process. She will need to do the hard and necessary work to gain your trust once again.

Dig deeper for patience and keep those expectations at zero.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: sjohns6
I think that maybe my wife is in the withdrawal stage.

I hate to tell you this but 7 or 8 years ago I wrote the same thing you wrote above.
I was absolutely positive of this.


I was totally wrong.
If she was in withdrawal phase then it did not stop her from divorcing me and running away.
Please take care of yourself and do not worry about what stage she is in.

My .02


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