The 10 % succes rate ain't far from the truth. If you Google reconsile after separation you'll find a US statistics website that cites that 87 % of separations lead to D. A small percentages probably R after D so the odds are not on favor here. But then again, why shouldn't hoosjim be in that 13 %, someone has to be ;-)
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
Plus, while some can do the "front row seat" changes, i think most of us need some geography to detach, and make the changes noticeable.
Full separation really puts you behind the 8 ball and the numbers bear that out. Like 90% failure.
Where did you get that statistic?
From what I've seen in the many years I have been here, recons don't happen until there is full separation. Aside from TXHubby, I haven't known one DB'er to recon while living in the same home.
I agree with Ginger, full seperation is needed for most.
Its not that I think full seperation is actually needed to reconcile, just that It's rare to find someone in this situation who can see WW on a daily basis and still detach enough to make a difference.. As successful as TXHubby was at getting there, he lived through two years of hell to get to that point... That two years will tear most M's to shreds, shoot I only did it for two months and it really affected me emotionally and physically, not to mention the emotional pain I tried to inflict on her..
I just really feel like living together really limits each other's ability to go on their own journey...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
The 10 % succes rate ain't far from the truth. If you Google reconsile after separation you'll find a US statistics website that cites that 87 % of separations lead to D. A small percentages probably R after D so the odds are not on favor here. But then again, why shouldn't hoosjim be in that 13 %, someone has to be ;-)
I do doubt that they have a statistic for those who are in house separated. I only know what I know from here.
I agree with coconut. It's rare to reach your full potential of detachment living with a spouse who you aren't with, but want to be with. It's very difficult to focus on you and not her. And you really focus on her.
I agree with coconut. It's rare to reach your full potential of detachment living with a spouse who you aren't with, but want to be with. It's very difficult to focus on you and not her. And you really focus on her.
Idunno, guys. Just doesn't seem all that consistent with the MWD divorce-busting to have a bias IN FAVOR of separation. Nor even with Sandi's guidelines, and she's pretty tough (And I'd note she's another ww who reconciled without a separation). Would love to hear her chime in on this one.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I was confused about the same thing. MWD wants you to sit back and wait out your WS, while working on yourself. But the advice from posters on this site will tell you to drop the rope. It seems to contradict what the book tells you. That has always been confusing for me in regards to DB'ing.
MWD wants you to sit back and wait out your WS, while working on yourself. But the advice from posters on this site will tell you to drop the rope. It seems to contradict what the book tells you.
Hi Tread. Actually, the rope-dropping is entirely consistent with DB-ing from MWDs books. Most particularly the "Beyond the Last Resort" technique or "Last Last Resort" (one or the other, I can't remember.) That technique basically counsels "going dark" or "dropping the rope," as some put it, when the WS/WAS won't end the A and the LBS can no longer take it. I would say a good portion of the folks who come to this site and start posting are at the end of their ropes and have, to that point, not been very successful with the early steps/stages of DB-ing. Many or most also are dealing with "Wayward" wives who, as Sandi often notes, are a different animal than WHs, and more often put you in a scenario where you need to go to the Beyond the Last Resort.
Im probably doing some violence to the idea as I am a relative noob, but by my understanding what Sandi and others counsel is generally speaking not inconsistent with DB-ing... it just assumes a more dire circumstance from the get-go when you have a WS and particularly when you have a WW.
Quote:
I was confused about the same thing. MWD wants you to sit back and wait out your WS, while working on yourself. But the advice from posters on this site will tell you to drop the rope. It seems to contradict what the book tells you. That has always been confusing for me in regards to DB'ing.
Also, just for the record, what I am saying in my response to Ginger and Coconut is that I don't see how/where full "separation" is necessary or even advised for "rope dropping" or "beyond the last resort" or whatever you want to call it. My understanding is that you need to be prepared to do that if necessary, but it is not prescribed and, indeed, has some drawbacks.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/28/1704:05 PM. Reason: Combine posts
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
The 10 % succes rate ain't far from the truth. If you Google reconsile after separation you'll find a US statistics website that cites that 87 % of separations lead to D. A small percentages probably R after D so the odds are not on favor here. But then again, why shouldn't hoosjim be in that 13 %, someone has to be ;-)
Not sure about that statistic for 2 reasons.
As of the last time I researched around here, it was not the in house sep that lead to the most recon
and moreover, 1/3 of the divorces actually filed in CA do not lead to divorce, so the idea that 90% of people who sep end up divorced, is at least false in that state.
Just food for thought and I really think these stats are hard to come by accurately.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I was confused about the same thing. MWD wants you to sit back and wait out your WS, while working on yourself. But the advice from posters on this site will tell you to drop the rope. It seems to contradict what the book tells you. That has always been confusing for me in regards to DB'ing.
Being patient and "waiting it out" is only part of what you should be doing. It's not passive. Just sit back, do nothing, and hope for the best. While you're "waiting it out" you have to be very pro-active about your own life. You can't control your spouse so don't try. Leave them to their choices. You can control you. Just detach from them, even if in the same house, and put your own plan into place for your future.
I think that is the miscommunication sometimes. I tried the passive waiting it out and it was soul crushing. I wasn't doing it right. I was waiting, but I wasn't truly executing my own plan for my life. My thoughts and actions still revolved around her and if she'd want me again. It consumed me. It'll kill you.
The proper way to wait it out is to get yourself moving on YOU and disregard what they're doing. Once you get a solid plan in place and fill your time with positive things that are working toward a great future for you then you won't have near as much time on your hands to "wait it out" and it makes being patient much much easier.
I may seem contradictory because I did file for D but that was after years of waiting it out and I was finally so detached that filing for D didn't bother me a bit. Staying in the M at that time was a hindrance to my great new life so I was going to remove that hindrance.
If waiting and seeing is too painful it's because you're not doing it right. Detach from the spouse you're waiting on, be friendly, be cordial, but DON'T let them cause you heart pain. Detach. It's for your own health. Don't give them ultimatums or engage them in any way about your relationship. Let them go. Even if you stay in the same house, let them go. Focus instead on you. Make plans for your future. Execute those plans. Have fun, set new career goals, set new personal goals, eat better, exercise, do hobbies, renew old friendships, make new friendships. Fill your life with positive activities and time will fly. You won't even notice you're still "waiting and seeing". That's how you do it correctly.
Full separation really puts you behind the 8 ball and the numbers bear that out. Like 90% failure.
Statistics don't tell you why though. I just said this in another thread, but I am convinced that after S, the LBS finally lets go and moves on and THAT is why the success rate is low, the LBS. When the WAS finally wants to recon, guess what. The LBS says "why should I take this liar/ cheater/ heartbreaker back, I've moved on and healed, do I really want to risk going through all that pain and agony again?" And for most of them the answer is no. I was a model DBer, and yet when it came time to fish or cut bait I was the one that pushed the D through, not my XW. Even the best DBers eventually get tired of the BS and decide it's time to get on with life. I also mentioned in the other thread that when I was going through S I polled my D'd friends and family and asked how many of their WAS's tried to recon. I was astonished to hear that every single one of them did. A few of them took their spouse back, most of them did not. And the reasons they gave were what I mentioned above- "by the time he/ she wanted to come back I was done and had moved on."
Don't put your faith in statistics. Put them in your own abilities. You have a very good chance of being in the 10% if you are willing to put in the work and be patient.
