OC, I contacted the administrator as soon as it happened and she can't locate the thread. It is my understanding that this has happened to another moderator in the past. Again, I am so sorry.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
XW blew up after I removed about $400 of expenses from her support checks this month (she hasn't contributed anything to the kid's child care, insurance, phones or allowances since this time last year). She went to FB and threw me under the bus to friends and family.
I blocked her on FB and texts.
Couple days later she buys a plane ticket to come here without giving me a head's up first. She arrives tomorrow with our daughter.
Add to this... 48 hours ago she sends an apparent suicide letter to a friend saying the pain and anguish she feels is too much to bare. She misses her little family, but it's too late. It's too late to have them back. She blames herself. And she's sorry. But it might be time to end it all...
I asked this friend to call the police and forward the message to her Dad. Officers arrived, offered to take her to the hospital for evaluation and she refused to go. Instead, she went to consult with a lawyer in an attempt to garnish my wages for support (which is my fault because I've always given her more than what the state required, but now I'm doing it letter of the law and it's much less).
Her family went to her place last night and tried to be helpful. She clearly appears genuinely sad & depressed. According to her sister, she wants to reconcile, but when she talks to me she has every excuse for why it can't work right now.
So today we talk for the first time since I blocked her (Sept 2nd). I was thinking it was going to be a conversation about her trip out here tomorrow and the suicide letter, but instead, it blew up into me leaving the state, not caring about her or giving her enough money, and that I abandoned our daughter by moving away.
So it's really hard to tell what the real story is here.
For one, I don't know if she's wanting this because she's out of money or if she genuinely wants to return. And two, I need to shut up. I keep trying to correct her or defend myself... that's not helping anything, it only shows her I'm still stinging over everything she's done to us.
So here I am, multiple states away with two of our kids. She's in another state with our eldest. There's a lot of miles and hurts in between, yet she's going to be here tomorrow and already demanding the kids be pulled out of school to spend time with her.
Where do I even begin? How do I know what's real?
Me: 48 WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19 M: 18 T: 20 D20 S18 S9 BD 05/22/16 W asked for D 6/20/16 D final 1/9/17
OC, I can only tell you that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am only a month out from signing my papers and it all still seems surreal.
As has been said on here before...believe none of what they say and only half of what they do when they are clearly still in MLC.
During my ordeal, I spoke with some of her family and friends...I know now that that is highly frowned upon, but during that time she would say, "If we are to work things out you have to stop talking to people". I took that as, she wanted to work things out. On the contrary, she was wanting to continue with the D, but didn't want anyone to know what was happening unless it came from her.
Sounds like she is in severe depression if she is talking suicide. Either that or she is seeking attention. Neither one is good and I would think that both reasons are cause for her getting counseling.
You are probably right as far as you zipping your lips. Sometimes they use everything you say against us and then have even more ammo later.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers over the next few days.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I heard recently that when dealing with an angry person the best thing to do is not to join them on the theater stage. That analogy works on so many levels.
Don't argue with W. Don't defend your actions and don't make any big decisions. Tell her you will get back to her after reflection.
Maybe she wants to reconcile but doesn't believe it to be possible.Maybe it is horse shhit. At this stage she does not seem to be in a place where reconciliation is possible. Don't close the door to reconciliation but don't stand there holding it open either.
I personally would not pull the kids out of school on demand of someone imposing an unscheduled visit and making accusations.The OM is not the issue but until completely out of the picture, reconciliation cannot possibly happen. Don't insist that she breaks up with him (controlling) but state you won't be in a R with anyone who is involved with someone else (boundary).
Best of luck with the visit. I imagine it will be more about what she can get from you than anything else, but by being calm and strong you can influence the possibility of something more later.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
So... The weekend has not gone great. Had I kept to Roist suggestion to not defend myself or argue, I'd probably be in a better place.
She's used anything and everything that has happened this weekend against me. One minute she wants to be with me, the next she is vindictive, the next she's crying. It's all over the board.
On top of it all, she's still getting texts from the OM and her family trying to find out how things are going and putting pressure on her. None of it helps as it's all just pressure for her.
This morning it came out that she doesn't want to tell me what she really wants as she's afraid of what it might mean to her finances and access to the kids. I read that as this is not about restoring our relationship at all, this is about money.
To add further concerns, we took the kids shopping for school clothes last night, and for the most part, it was fine. We went into bass pro shop, and W blurted out that she was going to buy a Bass Pro Shop hat so she could scratch out the "B" – I was not amused – especially said in front of all our kids.
A few minutes later she goes to the bathroom with our youngest son and when they were finished, my son said he wanted to go see 'Dad' so he runs off, and she lets him. Next thing you know there's somebody paging W over the intercom to come to the front cashier. W just let our son run off without paying attention and he got lost in the store.
The moment we got him back she got defensive and angry at me saying that I was judging her as a horrible mother (which in my head I was)... but omg. Looking at bass pro trucker hats instead of watching your 5 yr old so?
It also came out that someone has been giving her their Xanax prescription. She drinks a lot on top of this, so this is especially concerning.
She has my 17 yr old staying with her as well - at what point do I notify her parents... Or step in and remove my daughter from the situation?
I'm completely beside myself.
Me: 48 WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19 M: 18 T: 20 D20 S18 S9 BD 05/22/16 W asked for D 6/20/16 D final 1/9/17
How are you doing? I am praying for you and your children. In terms of advice, I don’t know what to say. Your XW seems like a danger at least to herself. I would not feel comfortable leaving my child with her but understand d wanting to finish h s. Is there somewhere else she can stay, maybe with a friend?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Lot's been going on, but the gist is three weeks ago, after a facetime call with my youngest son, my XW got really sad and proceeded to start drinking that morning. Hours later, she blacked out and says she woke up in handcuffs. Apparently, she was involved in a hit and run DWI with a BAC of 0.26
She called me scared and started apologizing about everything and seemed to be hitting rock bottom. I told her I was not here to rescue her and that she would have to call her Dad if she needed that kind of help, which reluctantly she did. He's hired her some hotshot lawyer to try and get her out of the charges.
She said she wants to reconcile, spoke to her lawyer to see if she could leave the state, and has made plans to shut down her apartment and prepare to move.
But since then, it seems every other day she's trying to figure out whether to come to the midwest with the boys and I, or move to her mom's house until our daughter finishes her last year of high school. It's hit and miss, up and down, she can't seem to commit which leads me to believe I'm being emotionally played.
I've been trying to be patient and not get too excited one way or the other, which she reads as me not wanting her back, which always ends with me reassuring her to the contrary... and then it would happen again.
I already paid for her power bill to keep it from getting turned off, but now I'm wondering if that was such a good idea now that I see she's been shopping and since then.
Work has me out west so I'm visiting daughter and XW – only now I've come to find out she's using her old boy friend's car (she took it this afternoon to have it appraised for his Insurance), so suddenly I'm realizing she is still seeing him. She is also texting quite a bit which leads me to believe there might be other guy friends too, but I'm trying (and probably foolishly), to give her the benefit of the doubt.
There's no manual here on how to receive an MLC back and I don't wanna mess this up. Anyone have any bright ideas?
Me: 48 WW: 43 OM: 53 met 12/16 to 10/19 M: 18 T: 20 D20 S18 S9 BD 05/22/16 W asked for D 6/20/16 D final 1/9/17
XW and D moved in with her mom over the weekend to cut her costs while she awaits the trial for her DWI hit and run.
I ended up buying my daughter a car so she wouldn't feel stranded at her grandmother's house. Found out XW returned her boyfriend's car and attempted to break up with him (so she says), however it didn't happen. So now she is sharing new car I got for my daughter so she can get around. :-|
She's also been sneaky turning off her friends view on FB so she can continue to talk to other men without me seeing what new friends guys she has added.
To keep this story short, I just don't think she's sincere about getting back together. She says and does whatever she can to get what she needs and then carries on her escapades. Now that her mom can watch my daughter, she's free to carry on.
Does she not want to be together, does she just need me to be close so she can take advantage? Am I wrong? Or is this normal?
I remember reading on HeartsBlessing's thread that the beginning of Acceptance reveals the "children" with flashes of her personalities surfacing, which sort of makes sense, but really how do I tell?
I'm just so flipping confused. So I put up with it? Do I stop talking about rebuilding the relationship and just go dark?
OC, I just want to let you know that I am following along. Unfortunately, I can't give any advice as I am just as lost as you. Prayers and thoughts for your situation.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
