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Chase20 #2747263 06/18/17 12:01 AM
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Find a post that accuray wrote, click on his name and then click posts.. It will bring up a list of posts from day 1.

The mind wandering and the feeling like a zombie going through the motions of activities will lessen, keep doing activities, it gets better everyday until one day you find yourself actually having a good time.

Give her more space, don't break down and text or call, limit interactions and only validate if she starts R conversation. If you haven't, read up on being a lighthouse.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut #2747328 06/18/17 09:29 AM
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W came to pick up D this morning. I was worried it would be awkward because of the text messages from Friday night.
I was happy and playing with D when she showed up. She actually put on jeans instead of sweats not sure if that means anything but DB says look for anything as a sign or that things are different.
She still wears the necklace I gave her that has a lot of meaning between us.

She asked me some questions about what I was doing today and when our D was asking to go she told her to be patient because we were talking. Does she really think we can create a friendship when she knows how much it is killing me.

I know I need to let it go and not worry about what is going on in her head. Just work on myself and GAL. I have IC on Monday, acupuncture on Tues and DB coaching session on Wednesday hopefully will get more grounded.


M:38 W: 30
T: 7
M: 4
D: 2
BD: 1-13-17
Sep: 1-13-17
Chase20 #2747435 06/19/17 06:42 AM
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Originally Posted By: Chase20

Tonight she sent a message that said "i miss just being your friend, I hope we can get there..."


Originally Posted By: Chase20
and then the follow up text
...sorry i shouldn't have said that. I apologize. I still have emotions, lots of them. Just trying to balance this tough situation.


Just listen and validate, even if it's by text. "It sounds like you are going through a lot, I'm sorry you're struggling." Here's the thing- she IS going through a lot. You can come on these forums and read pages and pages of WAS's talking about how miserable they are, how awful their sitch is, how horrible their WAS is for putting them through this. You know what is tragically absent from these forums? Any talk at ALL of how the LBS's spouse is ALSO suffering. LBS's are so consumed with their own grief that they seem to be completely oblivious to the fact that their spouse is going through just as much pain IF NOT MORE (because they've been suffering silently for months or even years). Please try to have some compassion for her, if you can do that then you're in a better position to validate her and that will help your sitch more than you can imagine.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks for that reminder. I do try to remind myself that W was feeling all these same things for months/year before she BD and I am just experiencing all these things now. But many times my anger/hurt over the situation clouds the empathy I should have for her too.

2 weeks ago was her email about how happy she is being separated from me, so its a bit of an admission that that isn't totally true.


M:38 W: 30
T: 7
M: 4
D: 2
BD: 1-13-17
Sep: 1-13-17
Chase20 #2747593 06/20/17 02:01 AM
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Originally Posted By: Chase20
But many times my anger/hurt over the situation clouds the empathy I should have for her too.


Understandably so. It's hard to feel sorry for someone else when we feel like our insides have been ripped out and thrown all over the room! But we're here to remind each other of what we should be doing smile

Originally Posted By: Chase20
2 weeks ago was her email about how happy she is being separated from me, so its a bit of an admission that that isn't totally true.


I remember reading Sandi's rules and especially the "believe nothing she says and only half of what she does" part and thinking "no, my W knows EXACTLY what she's doing, no confusion, no remorse!" She just seemed so absolutely sure of herself. I think I even posted as much here and had people telling me that I was wrong, that all WAS's are hurting inside even if they don't show it outside (which they try not to, because they want everyone to think they're confident in their decision). My W told me months later that BD ate at her, that she cried every single day in private because she was so confused about what she was doing. I NEVER would have guessed it. She seemed so sure! So yeah, it really is true that you can't believe anything they say and only half of what they do.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Chase20: I know exactly what you mean by forgetting to be emphatic. That truly IS the hardest part to realize they are both in turmoil. At least for me, I get a little comfort from W who wants to spend time with me. But I also have to keep reminding myself I have only felt this hurt for a little bit...she has felt this for years. At the end of the day we need to see it as a good sign that these reactions occur because that means the feelings are there. It's not easy. Not at all.

Tobias #2747647 06/20/17 05:52 AM
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Its hard because the exterior is so tough and sure of herself. She never breaks down in front of me or give me much emotion.

Its been over 2 weeks since her email about mediation. She hasn't mentioned it. Do I bring it up at all or just leave it for now and be happy she isn't bringing it up again?
I find myself checking my email every morning in dread that she is going to send me another email saying she wants to make an appointment.

I did make a reference to it when I saw her on Sunday. I learned to make cake pops with my daughter. I am not a baker but my D loves them so I am learning. She wanted to give W one and I said ok but I said I wanted to make it clear that it wasn't a gift from me. She gave me a little smirk.

NC is scary, it makes me fear that she will forget about me. Its hard to see the other side of it that it actually is space for her to heal and rethink her position.


M:38 W: 30
T: 7
M: 4
D: 2
BD: 1-13-17
Sep: 1-13-17
Chase20 #2747650 06/20/17 06:13 AM
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Originally Posted By: Chase20
Its hard because the exterior is so tough and sure of herself. She never breaks down in front of me or give me much emotion.


Absolutely, that's part of the WAS approach. What she's feeling inside is a different story though.

Quote:
Its been over 2 weeks since her email about mediation. She hasn't mentioned it. Do I bring it up at all or just leave it for now and be happy she isn't bringing it up again?


Don't bring it up. My W was all gung ho about filing for D. She has her L draw up the papers and that was the last I heard of it for 6 months. I'm not sure she ever would have filed, but I was going through a business partnership deal and I ended up pushing the D through so the business deal wouldn't get tied up in it. Often when you can remove all pressure from the WAS the D just goes on hold indefinitely.

Quote:
NC is scary, it makes me fear that she will forget about me.


EVERY LBS thinks that. If I'm not constantly in my W's face then she'll forget about me! Or she'll think I don't care about her! If your W went a month without contacting you once, would YOU forget about HER? Of course not, so why do you think the reverse is true? She's been married to you just as long as you have to her, LOL! And the feelings are still there, she's just trying really hard to suppress them. The more you're in her face the easier that is for her. The less you're around the more she might start missing you.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Chase20 #2747651 06/20/17 06:17 AM
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Chase,

My situation is coming up on three years and I have only witnessed my wife cry once, our first day of marriage counseling.

Your wife is not going to cry now because she knows she is in control of the situation and can end this and have you back anytime she wants.

She has to miss and wonder about you, that is the only way you will get the outcome you are looking for in your situation.

If you do not want a divorce, do not bring it up.

LH19 #2747659 06/20/17 06:58 AM
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Absolutely don't want to be divorced.

Quote from a book I am reading:

"In a holy relationship we don't seek to change anyone, but rather see how beautiful they already are"

That is my reminder that my W is a fragile, imperfect person and my love for her is based on those qualities just as much as her strengths. It also oddly allows me to step back and detach and let her have her space. I can't change her mind right now in this moment. It is a process and I have to trust the process.


M:38 W: 30
T: 7
M: 4
D: 2
BD: 1-13-17
Sep: 1-13-17
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