yesterday was the first day of no contact on either side for the entire 5 months. It is heartbreaking to let go.
NC is not "letting go", it's simply giving her the time and space she wants.
Originally Posted By: Chase20
When you finally back off and give your spouse space what are they thinking?
Right now anything you do is going to look like a trick to her, that you're just trying to trick her into coming back. And really that probably is what you're doing for now. I can almost sense in your question that what you're really asking "I didn't talk to her for a whole day, so why hasn't she seen the light and come back yet? Why isn't it working?" Patience is critical, you're in a marathon, not a sprint. She will not believe any changes you make in yourself at first. It's consistency + TIME that will convince her you've really changed.
Originally Posted By: Chase20
My fear is that is will push her towards D/mediation faster.
Even though I know that my pursuit the last few months probably pushed her to that thought faster. Its so hard to let go and detach.
Read through DB again. Michele stresses that DB'ing is counter-intuitive. Your heart is telling you to pursue, lavish her with love, attention and gifts. Send her articles about how bad divorce is, talk to her friends and family and tell them to help her see the light, maybe even get the kids to ask her why she's doing this. THAT doesn't work. THAT pushes her farther away. THAT makes her want the D more than ever. She doesn't want you for now, she doesn't want to talk to you, see you, text with you, etc. If you give her time and space you remove the pressure from her. You give her what she wants. When the pressure is removed, they nearly always put the D on hold.
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Last night I was thinking she might want to facetime with our daughter since she hadn't seen her in a few days but she didn't reach out. I don't know how much to interfere with her relationship with D. D tells me she is sad because she wants to see mommy, I just tell her mommy loves her. Should I be telling my W that she should be calling?
Sounds like you're looking for excuses to reach out to W. If your W wants to talk to D then she will. She doesn't need you to tell her.
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The big deal is that I told my D mommy was picking her up from day care and she was excited. Then I had to tell her that isn't the plan now. This is what kills me about broken families where one parent makes plans and then breaks or changes them. It is such a let down to the kids.
This really doesn't sound like a big deal to me. You're correct that this is typical fallout in a S or D, stuff like this will happen a lot. Just roll with it.
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I have never been good at communicating my feelings/emotions. In the 5 month separation I have still not talked much about them because I was avoiding relationship talk/anything to serious. I am trying to figure out if I should 180 that but that is in conflict with going NC.
Are you asking if you should share your feelings with W? Absolutely not! That is something you do in a healthy M, but you're well beyond that point. If SHE wants to share her feelings with YOU then by all means, listen and empathize. But she doesn't want to hear what you're feeling because that's pressure.
I think my W is a terrible parent, but she at least TALKS to our D twice a day.
Your W is not doing what's best for your D. That's obvious. Everything in that schedule you mentioned is all about her convenience. Your D needs STRUCTURE and this is the opposite.
When I was a kid, my parents had me on a schedule that I called "ping pong" which involved a lot of back and forth. Yours is even worse. At some point you probably need to sit down with your W and say "this ISN'T going to work" and figure something out that will. For all three of you.
For sure there is a part of me that wants W to call D so I can see what W is doing
Stander- you comment made me laugh about one day NC and why hasn't she seen the light. That is totally how I feel. I feel like I have made so many positive changes about myself, my emotions are in check. I react from a place of love and compassion for others rather than seeing what I can get out of the situation for myself. I feel a sense of softness in my core being where I just use to be tough and unfeeling. I wanted to push all emotions away.
I have learned in this divorce/separation situation you really can't do that, everything is raw and painful. But it has really opened me up to so many more emotions and feelings and I allow them to sit with me and try to enjoy them. I feel like W would be crazy to leave the me I have become but she never gets to see that version of me.
She is coming tonight to pick up D for the evening and then I pick her up again tomorrow after work. If she comes in tonight and sits down (like she usually does) what is the best strategy for making conversation? Usually we talk about our D and funny things she is doing and we both share stuff that is going on in our day to day lives. I agree all the back and forth is eventually going to have to stop. I have been pretty flexible right now in an attempt to be accommodating/helpful/loving.
I know she needs time to go on her journey. Its just hard to realize that doesn't include me. I have been on my own journey these 5 months and have made some significant changes. But I want to share those changes with the person I made a lifelong commitment with! That part makes me sad.
I can see her journey is going to take awhile. Mine was very accelerated seeing as I am in so much pain.
My GAL plans this weekend: Saturday: I have my D so Brother coming over to hang out, and spending time with Dad for fathers day; Then we are all taking D to family graduation party.
Sunday I play in a softball league so we have our last games and then there is an end of the season party at a sponsor bar so most of my team will go and hang out.
I feel like I have made so many positive changes about myself, my emotions are in check. I react from a place of love and compassion for others rather than seeing what I can get out of the situation for myself. I feel a sense of softness in my core being where I just use to be tough and unfeeling. I wanted to push all emotions away.
That is FANTASTIC, I mean that shows real progress and you should be proud of yourself! But as 25 is fond of pointing out (paraphrasing from memory)- consistent behavior + time = change she can believe in. You're just missing the time component. I know 5 months seems like an eternity, but if you eventually work things out then in 20+ years it'll just seem like a small bump in the road. Your W still needs more time- to see your changes, to believe they are real, to sort out her inner demons.
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If she comes in tonight and sits down (like she usually does) what is the best strategy for making conversation? Usually we talk about our D and funny things she is doing and we both share stuff that is going on in our day to day lives.
No harm in that type of small talk. But don't ever initiate any R discussions yourself. If she initiates then it's fine to listen and validate, nothing more.
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I know she needs time to go on her journey. Its just hard to realize that doesn't include me.
It doesn't include you for NOW. Next week, next month, next year who knows. I always used to tell people here, your W changed her mind about wanting you, what makes you think she can't change it back again? It happens all the time. No matter how desperate things may seem, there is NO reason to give up HOPE. As long as you have hope, anything is possible.
After the debacle of switching up the daycare pick up, W was supposed to pick up D at 7:30. She of course was late, didn't show up until 8:10. She didn't let me know she was going to be late until 7:50- with a quick 'traffic is horrible - sorry' text. I responded 'no worries'
I have been on NC other than D for almost 2 weeks. The first week was right after she finally said she wanted to make our separation more permanent. Prior to that I was doing another program that was all about pursuing, one of the things they recommended was calling every day with some trivial, non relationship type of thing that would be of interest to them.
The first week of NC she was calling or texting every day. Then this week she went NC. Prior to this week she would have called or texted early to let me know she was going to be late (its one of her struggles-being on time). Today I feel like because I am going NC and she feels it, she is going NC.
Tonight she was at coaching at her open gym. Which has been a huge sore spot in our M the last few years. She travels so much, then coaches in her free hours esp. during the summer. Since I am a teacher that is when I have most of my free time so I have been resentful that she is choosing her coaching over being home with her family. Again I feel intentional NC because she has felt controlled by me wanting her to be home with her family instead of coaching in the summer. The summer coaching can be handled by the assistants, it isn't totally necessary for her to be there but I know she wants to be there.
Is it part of the pursuit and distance game for the WAS to intentionally distance. Even if it is related to picking up/caring for our D?
Showing up late, not communicating the change in plans for the custody schedule... doesn't she realize this doesn't make things look good for her ability to parent a child and if she takes me to a mediation session that she is giving me ammunition against her. She is not seeing anything in the big picture. Never a strength of hers anyway.
D always is sad to leave me and says she doesn't want to go with mommy I know that hurts her feelings.
