I feel your pain with the child care. My wife moved out almost a month ago, and so far our son has spent two nights with her, and that was after a two weeks where I took him to visit her family. I'm currently visiting my family with him and she's alone back home (still not staying at home). It's frustrating because I honestly feel it's better for our son to stay at home with me, first for stability, second because the place my wife is staying isn't a great environment. But I also feel bad because he doesn't get to see his mom as much as he should be, and it's hard for me to GAL if I have to keep him every night and most days.
I don't have any advice, just letting you know someone else is going through the same thing.
Also, this is her adopted child? It's your biological daughter? Does she not see her biological mother?
What do people recommend regarding going along with mediation, how helpful should I be? Should I attempt to stall the process? My W is notoriously disorganized and slow to get anything going so I know even setting up a mediation will take awhile.
She still has most of her stuff at the house, she will come and take one thing even though it is sitting next to something that is also hers.
Just started reading DR and have a coaching session scheduled for Wednesday. My WAS left 5 months ago.
Hello Chase,
It will help the folks here if you could fill in some blanks on your backstory, maybe add a "signature" at the bottom of your post with pertinent info. In particular I'm curious how long you've been married. The longer you've been married, the longer it will take to turn things around. 5 months probably seems like an eternity to you, but DB'ing is a long process, it usually takes years to turn a WAS around. It can be done but it takes a lot of difficult work.
Originally Posted By: Chase20
She had told me before she was unhappy but I didn't think we really had any problems because we liked hanging out, had a lot in common and didn't really fight.
Time for a reality check, you've made the most common marriage-killing mistake of all. You didn't listen to her. She warned you over and over and you ignored it. Pretended things were OK. Now here you are. You're in good company, a lot of us were the same. BD comes as a shock to us, but usually the WAS is surprised we're shocked because they've been trying to get through to us for so long and they think we didn't care.
Originally Posted By: Chase20
By the time I realized we had a connection problem about 1.5 years ago she had built up a wall and nothing I did was helping. We tried MC and then she told me I needed to do my own counseling since my communication, not putting her first and mom issues were the main problem.
Yeah you are exactly right about the wall. That's what the WAS does to protect themselves. They try to get through to us, we ignore them, they build a wall and separate themselves, then comes BD. Also do you realize you're STILL not listening to her? YOU want MC, not HER. So why are you making her go? Don't do anything else until you've read DB cover to cover. You're making a lot of mistakes right now and DB will set you on the right path. Leave your W alone. Give her TIME and SPACE. We're not talking days or weeks, but months, and probably years.
Originally Posted By: Chase20
I have done about 3 months of another program where they advocate no space, calling every day and giving gifts once a week. I really like the program and think it probably works for some people esp. for situations where both partners want to work on things.
You're dealing with a WAS. Those are absolutely the WRONG things to do with a WAS. They are the OPPOSITE of what you should do. No more gifts or calling, period. Those things are pressure and pressure is the worst thing for a WAS. You are pushing her farther and farther away.
Originally Posted By: Chase20
My spouse's wall is still so thick my efforts are just crashing into it and bouncing to the ground.
Exactly, so WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING WHAT DOESN'T WORK????? Are you familiar with the picnic analogy? She's in her castle. The more you throw yourself against the walls the thicker she wants to make the walls. So go have a picnic. Get yourself a nice basket, spread a blanket out sit in the sunshine enjoy YOUR life without a care in the world. She'll look out her window and wonder what happened. What are you doing? Why are you ENJOYING yourself? What the heck? She'll keep looking out the window. Eventually she'll crack open the door. Then come outside. Then run back in. Then back out again, etc. etc. Maybe some day she joins you on that blanket.
What does that mean? GET A LIFE! You need a life WITHOUT her. Work out. Paint. Tinker with a car or motorcycle. Run. Bike. Whatever it is, go do it and QUIT pressuring her. When she sees you enjoying your own life, then maybe she'll want to be a part of it again. But not until you have well and truly given her time and space and carved out a life for yourself.
Originally Posted By: Chase20
Later she sent an email saying my gifts were not being well received 'right now' and she feels bad but its apparent we both want different things. She is happy being on her own. She is going to talk to someone about 'what it looks like to make it more permanent. And sorry about the email its just hard to talk to you in person since communication was always a problem.
Listen to her. Stop with the gifts. REMOVE ALL PRESSURE from her. Then and only then, maybe she'll give the D talk a rest.
Originally Posted By: Chase20
I am struggling with should I let go of the other model and try to back off and do a 180?
Has the other model worked? No it has not. There's your answer. Brother, take it from me and the other old timers here, there is no quick fix. Us guys, we want the quick fix. Tell me steps A, B and C to get my marriage back. Which "model" do I need to use, and how long will it take. You're dealing with your W's emotions, you cannot fix them. Only she can. And it's your job to give her time and space while she works on herself. And YOU need to work on YOU. Become the best you that you can be. Strong, independent, that guy she was attracted to in the first place. She doesn't want a weak, needy, desperate you. That is not at all attractive.
Originally Posted By: Chase20
I haven't responded to her email, she texted about mid day about my game yesterday and something to do with daycare for our daughter. I didn't respond, she called in the evening but I was in IC. She didn't leave a message.
Any advice on if I should respond before I have my coaching session on Wednesday?
Don't ignore her. The rule of thumb is to not contact her, but if she contacts you then it's OK to respond. Stick to business though. No relationship talk AT ALL. NO PRESSURE. By all means discuss parenting issues and such, that needs to happen regardless of DBing.
Read the book cover to cover, it only takes a few hours. Come back and ask questions. Then read it again. And again. Take a deep breath, you're running a marathon, not a sprint. You can do this!
What do people recommend regarding going along with mediation, how helpful should I be? Should I attempt to stall the process? My W is notoriously disorganized and slow to get anything going so I know even setting up a mediation will take awhile.
She still has most of her stuff at the house, she will come and take one thing even though it is sitting next to something that is also hers.
Good! Let her keep procrastinating! You need to do this: ___________ (nothing). Like I just said, remove all pressure from her and more than likely she will quit pushing for D. My ex started the D process and then I started DB'ing and removed all pressure from her, and it worked. She stopped working on the D. Eventually I ended up pushing the D through, but that's another story. The point is if you can effectively remove pressure from the WAS they will no longer feel the need to push the D through.
So much good stuff in here- thank you for sharing. I will keep in mind the picnic analogy. Made me smile.
We have been together 7 years married almost 4 (6/27). We met when she was 23 and I am 8 years older. She moved in right away and has never had an independent living situation. It was my house, my stuff early in the relationship she expressed that she never felt like it was hers but after we got married she stopped talking about that so I figured it wasn't an issue.
The reason I kept doing the pursue thing was because the other program said that is what I needed to do even if she was rejecting me. Just to expect that and keep doing it. Even though I sort of knew better because I know my W and she doesn't respond to that type of thing well anyway. Their coaches were telling me to stick with it and I was doing the right thing and she would see eventually.
My parents marriage was a rocky situation growing up and my dad just did things to show he loved us so of course even though I said I wouldn't do that, as I look back the last 2 years I see that is exactly what I was doing. Make sure the house is clean, kid is taken care of, bend over backwards for her hectic work schedule, don't complain when she is gone 12 days out of the month, keep the yard clean... if I didn't those things she would see that I loved her.
I don't think that is the case. Right up until she BD we did everything together or she was working. She is in sales and constantly going to different cities.
The last 5 months when I see her she isn't secretive with her phone or acting much different. She was always available to watch our D (during my spring coaching). And either she is on a work trip or having our D. But who knows...
No - really the only people we spent much time with was her family she has 2 brothers with gfs and my bf who is a guy but he is like a brother. She does travel alone to meet with reps. Never with anyone from the company. Its the alcohol business so I am sure there is lots of poor behavior/decisions.
Haven't responded to the email with the statement about mediation. Waiting to talk to DB coach tomorrow to get advice. W called and texted yesterday but I hadn't responded yet. W called again today 2x. I did finally answer and she had a 'crazy' story to tell me and I kept it short and got off the phone quickly because I was 'busy'. She mentioned nothing about the email.
