WW won't separate

[resolut]

Previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2737264&page=1

[resolut]

Thanks, 25

I think if the truth were told right now, the next level of detaching is what I'm having trouble with. I'm being honest with myself about that. It is very tough to keep detaching while she lives with me. If I go extreme with it then she's just going to resent me.

I'm staying most focused on me and doing things that make ME happy. And yes you are right being there for my kids is the #1 thing making me happy right now. We're two weeks away from taking an awesome vacation and being without my WW for several days.

[resolut]

Somehow I managed to climb out of a phase of depression I was carrying. I just sort of ran through it not expecting it to last but bewildered as to why I felt stuck. I'm back to feeling stronger and working on moving on from my WW. I've been reading a few good books and also keeping up the running.

Still no movement on her getting off cell plan.

I have a lot of things keeping me busy right now and quite a few events with the kids so it keeps my mind off the elephant in the room.

I've also read a few people's stories on here and have been very moved by what others have gone through and the strength it took them to persevere and heal. There are some amazing people on this forum.

[resolut]

I am in a big struggle right now to force myself to ignore something that could be a positive sign from my W. I know in my head that I should pay this no attention. This time right now above all I need to practice detaching and focus only on GAL. This is killing me though.

[Tread]

resolut,

Glad that you managed to get yourself out of this depression. If your W gave you a possible positive sign. Don't act on it, just exam and determine if this is your W given you some kind of bread crumb to making this work or possible manipulation? But keep with the detaching and GAL. Trust me, I understand first hand how it feels to grab for anything that resembles hope. Just stay strong.

[resolut]

Tread,

She's definitely not throwing a breadcrumb. I just have some small hope that something has changed with the OM. I know I need to ignore it and move on. I am trying.

It seems like I often get my hopes up that the weekend will be easier but in reality it is always harder. I guess it is because I'm with her a lot more on the weekends.

The more that I'm living through this the more I'm seeing how delusional she is about criticizing me and our past MR. She has her own version of history right now and it is sad.

I read chris73's story like many have suggested and it was helpful to me.

[resolut]

Well what I thought might be a positive sign turned out to be negative. Very negative. It is more evidence that my wife is making choices to move further and further away from me and be with OM. I just don't want to be with her any more after her decisions and behavior.

Thankful that I have this place I can come to and know that I am understood. I need to keep with more positive decisions for me and my kids.

[leahsue]

Hang in there, Resolut. This whole thing just bites. I'm so sorry you got more bad news. Tomorrow is a new day. Just keep being a great dad. You can do this!

[resolut]

Thanks Leah. I am counting down the days until next week when I'll be on vacation with the kids and without her.

She did respect my wishes on a boundary of getting her own cell plan. Its a relief that I don't have to see all of that and its no longer there as a temptation to track her activity

I've been trying lots of validating and affirming in my conversations with her. Not that I'm trying to win her back but just for my own sanity. As she sinks deeper into this she's just not a happy person and I don't enjoy being around her most of the time. There are still these feelings of wanting to share something with her or walk into the house and sit down next to her like I always did but of course I just stop myself. Its hard to shake old feelings of familiarity. More and more I am just evicting my feelings for her.

[resolut]

Ugh today has been difficult. Had a long car ride and event with my W and youngest D. W was negative about a few things and her mood brought down the whole event for me. I then started to have a lot of anger about she's just totally let me down with the whole affair. Detaching is just incredibly hard when I'm spending a lot of time with her and family stuff. One of her complaints about me before the BD was that I had too much negativity in the R. Now that I'm aware of it and actively working on it her negativity is getting to me. She's just not the woman I used to love.

I finally was able to get away and go do some stuff on my own with friends. What a relief. I'm still focusing on myself and detaching from her and not being under her influence. But like I said it's such a challenge because of living with her and all of the family events.

[Tread]

You sound exactly like me right now. Now that I'm aware of my flaws that I have worked on in the R. Now I realize my W is just as bad if not worse. And it bugs me, because my instinct is to fix things. Especially if I'm well aware of a solution to a problem. And there was even a brief moment where I wondered if I had somehow outgrown my W due to my behaviour and goals improving. And her basically getting worse. Found myself having to shake those thoughts away. Just keep focusing on yourself. The woman you used to love is somewhere in there engulfed in a fog.

[resolut]

Hi Tread,

It's good to know you have the same struggles. I felt like my W was accusing me of war crimes during our BD confrontations. Now though I could easily accuse her of many of the same flaws, especially negativity. I know a lot of this is super enhanced in her because of her fog and delusion. She's a long way from the woman I married for sure.

Why shake those thoughts away? Shouldn't that be part of your own discernment?

I am very close to deciding I don't want to save the M. I don't know if I ever want her again. She so into the OM that I'm grossed out most of the time. And in all her actions she is just moving away from me. She carries around two phones now because I kicked her off our plan.

How long are you giving yourself Tread? How does anyone decide this?

[PEW1974]

No one can say how you decide this. Only you can will know when you have had enough. I find myself seeing my W differently now. She is still engulfed in her feelings for the OM. She tries to hide it now as to not upset anything at home but I am aware of what is going on. I try not to ficus on it and keep myself at a reasonable emotional distance. I do find it hard sometimes as I see her trying to open up more to me but I am unsure if it is just to keep me interested. I do find myself more and more possibly not wanting her back because I have been working on myself but see the same woman and all her same issues. I do know we will never work if she doesn't change and at the moment I don't see that happening.

I am sticking to my deadline for my own sanity and will see what happens then but I refuse to keep myself in this situation as it currently stands. All I can say to you is detachment has been the key to survival. Without it I was still focusing too much time and energy thinking about my W. I wish you the best and will keep following your stitch.

[resolut]

Thanks PEW.

I just don't interpret anything. It is hard to do but it helps avoid pain. IT all goes in cycles. My wife will open up to me occasionally and soften but I think its more of a place of just returning to the place of 25+ years that is familiar and safe to her. I don't think at all she's returning to the MR.

I feel much better now that she's off my phone plan and the temptation to check her activity is completely removed.

I'm working on more boundaries like that and essentially more 180's. We've had a few confrontations where I've expressed that I want no part of enabling her A. I need to get back to the basics though and above all just focus on me and not at all be concerned with whatever my W is doing.

[resolut]

Journaling:

The last few days have been rough. W left overnight a few days ago and it was great to not have her around and just be with the kids. Today she is seeing a L finally after a month. I'm hoping there's some movement in the process one way or the other.

Met with IC yesterday and she was challenging me about why I'm not pushing this along and getting my life back together. I think she sees that I'm a wreck and living in this state with a BS is hurting me. She's right.

Vacation coming up next week. Looking forward to being away from my WW. I'm thinking about the possibilities and upgrades to my life right now.

[resolut]

Not doing well. I'm not detached enough or I'm regressing. I'm doing all the wrong things when I know better. I'm trying to engage my W in a conversation about our MR this weekend and each time she just shuts it down. She refuses to say a thing about it. She won't even acknowledge it's over. I know I'm pursuing and it's totally the wrong thing to be doing but I want something from her even if it is to tell me it's over. I'm not even getting that.

[Henwen]

I empathize. I want an answer from my WH as well. But I'm not pushing for an answer since I don't want him giving me one I don't want to hear. Although if he sincerely thinks it's over and that is what he actually wants then he owes it to us to end it, so we can both move on. When I get the way you are feeling and want to talk to him I just remind myself that it's my insecurities speaking. Not me. And i walk away from my phone and find something else to do. So I don't contact him and argue. It's super hard. Because I want him to know he's hurting me and the kids with this behavior. But he knows. I don't need to drive that point home anymore. I wish you luck. And strength.

[resolut]

Hi Henwen,

Yes we are very much the same on this. I would welcome a conversation from her even if it was "I'm done and I want to file"

I have to interpret the stonewalling from her as some ambivalence \.

You are stronger than me, but since I'm also living with her she's a constant reminder to me that I'm still in love with her and I haven't let go. I'm back at square one I think.

[Jim1234]

Just remember you're not alone; lots of us are dealing with the same issues.

[resolut]

Just started the day/week with a big fight. I broke every rule again. I was aggressive in the fight. I didn't listen. I didn't valid. I am angry. I am hurt. I want her to open up and talk about where she is.

All these things were wrong and she pushed way back from me. I am pushing her away.

What's the point of me holding out the olive branch. Why do I try to validate her feelings at this point. I have not received any validation or empathy from her since her A started.

Sorry I'm venting but had to get these feelings out. Things are taking a turn for the worse.

[LH19]

Resolut,

You have to get control of your emotions. You pursing her is making you look weak.

If you don't change the dynamic of this relationship this could go on for years.

I can tell you are motivated by fear. What are your fears?

[TxHubby]

Just started the day/week with a big fight. I broke every rule again. I was aggressive in the fight. I didn't listen. I didn't valid. I am angry. I am hurt. I want her to open up and talk about where she is.

All these things were wrong and she pushed way back from me. I am pushing her away.

What's the point of me holding out the olive branch. Why do I try to validate her feelings at this point. I have not received any validation or empathy from her since her A started.

Sorry I'm venting but had to get these feelings out. Things are taking a turn for the worse.

Don't feel bad for wanting your own feelings validated. Validation is a two way street. You both deserve to have your feelings validated by the other.

Some advice though. Right now you look clingy and pathetic. That's a very unattractive quality.

Think about a time in life when you broke up with someone. If they acted clingy and pathetic all that did was make you pity them and want them far away from you. They were very unattractive. Now the flip side...if you broke up with someone and then saw they were doing great, were happy, and doing even better without you then you started questioning why you broke up with them and that's the one you regretted and wanted back. They were very attractive to you.

Channel that anger toward making yourself the most awesome version of you that you can be. Work out, get in killer shape, go do really fun things without even inviting her. Be the guy that men want to be and ladies want to be with. Any man can be that man. Get yourself into physical and mental shape. Start now.

Let her go. Who cares what she's doing. Her business. You've got too many awesome plans yourself to be worried about her. Be that man and she'll respond. Trust me, I know.

[resolut]

TxHubby,

Yes you are right and I know these things. The truth is I was better at this 3-4 weeks ago. Something has really taken a toll on me and I've regressed. I just had a major talk with my W and got her to see a few things from my standpoint. We've agreed on a few more boundaries and we're going to continue the separation for now. I feel encouraged to a degree and my mission is just to work on myself and learn to detach from her.

[Natus]

Its hard, its why i opted for separation after a few months of in-house DBing. I hope you find your own strength and its okay where it comes from. Dont beat yourself about it.

[resolut]

Its been a little while for me.

I'm back from a 10 day vacation. I had the time of my life when my W wasn't there. When she was there we were cordial but no steps were taken towards me. I simply stuck to DB principles. It was all about enjoying time with our children.

I'm resolved now that my MR is over and I don't want to save it anymore. She continues her behavior towards OM.

I have met someone and went on one date. Someone here is going to hit me but I feel good. She's interested in me and I'm interested in her. Its simple.

Now I just need to make more steps to putting boundaries in my life and helping push my W out of the house. I'm feeling a sense of peace right now that I haven't felt in a long time.

[Coconut]

I'm still in love with her and I haven't let go. I'm back at square one I think.

i'll tell you what, since you think dating is a good idea, how about you at least let your date know where you stand with your W. You posted this 2 weeks ago.

Get my point?

[AnotherStander]

I'm resolved now that my MR is over and I don't want to save it anymore. She continues her behavior towards OM.

I have met someone and went on one date.
[/quote]

Stop and take a deep breath. As C-nut pointed out you've very recently expressed strong feelings for your W. You're cycling like we all did in your sitch. Today you're done, tomorrow you're not, the day after you don't know. It's normal. What you don't want to do is introduce a new R into your sitch. You are not at all emotionally ready for that, and it would be extremely unfair to the new woman. There is no urgency here, you have plenty of time. Use it to work on yourself and make yourself a stronger, better person.

[resolut]

You guys are right and I know this. I do know that the M is over though, and I don't want her back. I realize I've been cycling in this. If she were to return, the M is too tainted and the harm done is irreparable.

I concede that right now I have the gift of time.

[resolut]

Just a quick update from me and my situation. My W and I have decided to seek a D. We're going to start on mediation in August.

Overall I think DB'ing has worked and continues to work for me. The hardest part of the whole thing was learning to detach and GAL. There's no way I can say I mastered them and everything always seemed to go in cycles for me. I realize I have a long, long way to go but I feel relieved now that I can begin the process of moving on from her and I'm looking forward to redefining who I am without her. Right now I am shifting the focus away from losing the MR and putting everything I can into being there for my children.

[resolut]

I'm just updating my situation. There is very little to update. We're still separated but living in the same house. I am ready to file for D. I have been doing the compassionate thing and asking my W to schedule a sit down with both attorneys. She is dragging her feet.

The MR is beyond irreparable at this point. I am free of her emotionally but am going to feel so much better after the D.

Curious to know what others have done in this stage.

[AnotherStander]

Very sorry to hear it's coming to a D, but if you are in the right frame of mind and feel this is the best choice for you moving forward then do it.

I have been doing the compassionate thing and asking my W to schedule a sit down with both attorneys. She is dragging her feet.

It's not unusual. I think it's because they don't want to close the door on Plan B, and they know that after D the LBS is likely to move on.

Curious to know what others have done in this stage.

After S and during the D proceedings I did try to keep things cordial and upbeat with W. She came in at the last moment and added a bunch of money into the settlement (that she wanted me to pay her) and when I (very politely) asked her to explain where it was coming from she got irate and said we'd let the lawyers fight it out in court. I was trying to finalize a business decision that I did not want to make until after D so that it wouldn't get tied up in the D, plus I was getting anxiety just thinking about a prolonged court battle. So I ended up agreeing to it and the D was little more than a 15 minute long formality in a court. Walking out of their divorced felt surreal to be honest. But I did feel like a great weight had been lifted too, it was a relief. Not sure if that really answers your question though.

[resolut]

Hi AnotherStander,

Thanks for that. I'm just feeling a little frustrated right now that she's not making any effort to get started on the D. I know that I can just file and maybe I will have to. I wish I could have reached this point sooner but it took me almost 6 months to let go and realize completely that I can be so much better off without her and to stop thinking she would come back.

Now I'm the one asking her to leave me alone and just let me go. My prayers have also switched over in this way.

The gift of time though is an incredible thing. I have become more of who I should be in the past month. I just want it now to keep going and need to have the D behind me.

[sandi2]

I'm just feeling a little frustrated right now that she's not making any effort to get started on the D. I know that I can just file and maybe I will have to

From where I sit, it appears you have experienced a lot of frustration due to waiting on her throughout your DBing time. You were either waiting for her to end her A, or to tell you where she was with the R, or getting another cell phone, or something else. Now, you are waiting on her to make some effort to start the D proceedings. Can you not see it is a pattern you have? If you are ready to D, then why continue to wait around on her?

[resolut]

Sandi2,

I have filed.

Ultimately you are right. One thing that I have come to discover is that I was far too nice and respecting throughout this process. Back on BD I should have insisted she leave and refused to spend family time with her, etc. Maybe the way I acted was all out of fear. Perhaps by trying to be respectful I thought she would come back. I see this is all wrong now. I may never be the person that can do that. It may never be in my nature. On the other hand though, no one should ever be treated the way that I was - lied to, betrayed, disrespected, shut down, etc.

I am walking away from my marriage now and thinking about the possibilities for the rest of my life. My next relationship will be so much richer from what I now know and feel. I am enjoying the time and freedom that I now have.

[AnotherStander]

I wish I could have reached this point sooner but it took me almost 6 months to let go and realize completely that I can be so much better off without her and to stop thinking she would come back.

I think any sooner than that and you would have been making the decision emotionally rather than rationally. You need that time to sort your feelings first, so you were right to wait.

[Tread]

I with AnotherStander. First 6 months it's completely dealing with your emotions. By the end of that period is when you really see the WS for who they are. Not to mention you have made serious changes within yourself. Plus you habe had a chance to see if your changes have had any effect.

[Treasur]

The limbo and waiting kills you, but it's understandable - you're in shock, pain and confusion. Tread is right, you can look at things differently after a bit of time has passed.

D isn't easy, particularly when kids are involved. I wish you well and I'm sure that lots of people will be here to support and listen to you as you go.

[Gordie]

Resolut,

How are you doing? How are the kids? Were you able to agree on a settlement amicably or did you have to go to court? Have you had other dates or did you decide to wait on that?