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Leah,
I did something similar to your plan/fantasy. I got off work early one day and drove over to WH's job and texted him from the lobby of his hospital. He texted back he didn't want to see me and asked me to go home. I stood there in the lobby deeply humiliated and feeling more rejected. The fact is that when Walk-aways and WS are in their selfish groove it pushes them further away when we pursue. Instead of looking strong we come across weak and pathetic. It also just heaps on guilt to the other spouse and that makes them run faster. Please understand I am sharing my shame and mistakes because I don't want you making the same ones. I wish I had been as good as you at NC early in my journey. Instead I pursued with a vengeance and it had the opposite of the desired result. Now I have a WH who I feel has "settled" for me but is unwilling to do anything I need to rebuild trust. If I had been better at NC and chasing myself instead of him I think it would have had more of an eye opening effect on him. It would have made me more confident and secure, that's for sure. Detachment is a process not an end goal. It means getting rid of co-dependent behaviors and building healthy coping skills. It took us a lifetime to learn bad behavior so it's going to take a bit of time to restructure ourselves. Just keep swimming! smile


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
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leahsue Offline OP
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Thanks, Sara. I did a better job of NC, etc. at the beginning of all this, before he started coming around again. After several false starts, hopefully I've once again taken the focus off of him. If and when he comes to visit, then I'll see how I feel about a visit at that point. In the meantime, I have to GAL more whole-heartedly, and keep myself even busier than I already have.
I did much better today. I went to a cook out, actually had fun, drank a little, came home, went to a neighbor's and had more fun just sitting on the porch and visiting. I'm home now, and see I missed a call from H this afternoon. I'm not calling back or texting tonight. I think I won't tomorrow, but rather wait and let him make the next contact. And not because I'm game-playing, but I honestly just don't have anything to say to him right now. And that's a good thing. smile


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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leahsue Offline OP
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Just writing for the sake of seeing it on paper.....
I'm still hanging in there with the NC. I did not return his call that I missed on Monday, then yesterday he called again and I was outside working in the yard, so missed it. I did try to call him back last night but he did not answer. My normal post-BD self would have then texted (just to not lose that contact opportunity-which probably should have been left alone), but I didn't.
I guess we are in that pursuer/distancer dance again, but if we are, then so be it. If I'm available to answer his calls, then I will. If I'm not, well then, I'm just not. I hope I'm doing the right thing. Just a month ago, we were having some really good conversations. Then after he postponed the visit AGAIN, I just got fed up. Perhaps he senses that, but as we all know, who knows? I just have to do the next right thing, one day at a time. I DO feel less taken for granted. It may blow up our chances of R, but I didn't feel good about always being available, and kind, and having no expectations. I think for all of these reasons, when the time does come for a visit, I'll be better prepared to truly be AS IF. And I wouldn't have been ready this week.

Cadence, if you happen to stop by and read this, just wondering how things are going with you.... I haven't been on here as much lately so I may have missed if you posted, but hopefully, if you haven't, that's a good sign that you are doing well. Let me hear from you!


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Joined: May 2016
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Now that's GAL! I need to start taking a leaf from your book and turn outward again. I think it's so easy to slide back into complacency when you're living in house with the walkaway/wayward. I need to get out with some friends and hang loose.

You should be proud of yourself, you are detaching with style. This man is an utter fool if he doesn't chase you.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
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leahsue Offline OP
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Sara,
I can't imagine detaching while having to see him everyday!! My hat is off to you. You've been so self-confident and strong for so long. And in very difficult circumstances. Just watching you march through this season in your life with your head held high is an inspiration to me, to treat myself with more respect, and realize that I deserve better. My prayer for both of us is that we keep that reminder in the active part of our brains, and act accordingly. Let the fools fall where they may, but we will come out of this better, stronger women than we ever could have been, without this debacle.
Make some GAL time for Sara, so others can see the steel Magnolia named Sara. We got this! smile


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 275
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Quote:
If I'm available to answer his calls, then I will. If I'm not, well then, I'm just not. I hope I'm doing the right thing.


I think that sounds great.

Quote:
Cadence, if you happen to stop by and read this, just wondering how things are going with you.... I haven't been on here as much lately so I may have missed if you posted, but hopefully, if you haven't, that's a good sign that you are doing well. Let me hear from you!


Thanks so much. It's nice to know someone's thinking of me.

Truthfully, it's been a struggle. I weaned myself off some ADs that had me in a fog and made me not able to think (I gave it time to see if it would let up and it didn't), and so I've been feeling depressed and down.

I had an IC appointment today with someone new. It went okay but it was mostly catching her up on my life to date and what I was struggling with. So no relief there.

After H called my mom, there was a day or two of silence and then he wrote asking for my lawyer's contact info. He said he'd get one too and they could negotiate (after finally accepting I wasn't interested in doing that informally). I sent him the info and asked him to do the same when he'd gotten a lawyer.

Then, there was about a week and a half of silence. It felt like he was trying to bait me into calling him to find out what was going on. Then yesterday his attorney called me and left a voicemail, and sent me an email confirming her call and asking me to please give her my lawyer's name and contact information.

What the? I'd already given it to H. Why would he give his new lawyer my contact information and not the information he already had? Is it a game? So I found the email I'd written him on the 17th, forwarded it to his lawyer and cc'd him. It's not my job to give his lawyer information he already has.

I went to dinner with a friend last night and she told me she doesn't think H is going to come back this time because of the negativity over the house. I find that really upsetting.

I'm still angsting over what to do about the financial arrangements. I really don't know what is right. Maybe it's time for a DB coach.

Sorry to hijack, but you asked for it! smile

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leahsue Offline OP
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Yes I did ask for it, and it's so good to hear from you. (I know I should have looked up your thread but I was short on time.)
Of course I don't know every detail of your sitch, in fact, no one does but you and your man. However, just from what I know, I think you need to remember what got you here, and that he is not your burden to carry through this breaking up process. If the financial problems come up for him, remind yourself that he is a grown man, and put himself in this place. No reason for you to suffer financially, on top of all the other crap he has heaped on you.
I know that seems cold. But what he did to you was cold also. I'm not into the "give what you got" mindset, but I'm also not into the "poor, sad me, look what you're doing to me financially" theme either. I think you have to do what's right for you, to prepare as if you will be alone for a while, and then, moment by moment, just DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING. It will carry you all the way home.
I think of you way more often than I post. Just know that. And you can always reach out to me.

By the way.... side note.
Since the BD, every time I think of being with anyone besides H, I have either cried openly, or at best, just cringed at the thought. I haven't seen his face since Jan. 1. So the last thing on my mind has been anyone else.
HOWEVER, yesterday, in the house next door that recently sold, there comes a man to build the cabinets, re-do the floors, etc. And as I was cutting grass, looking my VERY absolute sweatiest, unattractive self, here he comes to introduce himself. We chatted for a few minutes, and he said, I'll be here for quite a while since she needs a lot of work done inside. Just seems like a "good ole boy", which is exactly what I've always been drawn toward. Anyway, it was pleasant to note that last night, I found my mind drifting back to our meeting, and almost felt that- Hey, I could possibly still have a life out there, somewhere. It was a reassuring thought that my life and being a desirable woman may not necessarily be over forever.
Which does nothing but make me stronger, with the full realization that Sara is right, H will be an utter fool not to chase me. SMILE. smile


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
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leahsue Offline OP
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So after I missed two phone calls from H at the beginning of this week, and did NOT follow my normal MO, which would have been to text sorry I missed your call blah blah......, but rather stayed NC, he has continued with what I think of as spoiled, entitled behavior, which is to "show me" by not calling any more. I held out though, and I meant when there was further contact, it would be him making it. I wake up this morning and there is a text from him, "When is your Ya-Ya trip?" which is the reason I told him his re-scheduled trip would not work for me. I eventually texted back just simply, June 9-12. It will be interesting to see what happens next.
Handyman from next door just stopped by to chat again, and brought me his card. Hmmmmm. Good for the self-confidence. Which as we all know takes a real beating after BD.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
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I've noticed that some LBS, particularly males, will do some trial and error flirting and even have lunch with a female. Their goal isn't to start a new relationship but rather test the waters to see if they are still in the running. They almost universally return with confidence and more energy to DB. If I wasn't living with my WH and allegedly piecing then I would give it a go. Human are usually very predictable and the walk-aways often get jealous and suddenly realize their spouses may not wait on them much longer.

I watched the LRT video and MWD mentions that a woman was texting a female friend about how excited she was to visit her friend and lots of effusive comments. Unbeknownst to her, her husband was able to view these conversations on an ipad and became jealous and suddenly engaged back into the marriage. I think walk-aways feel their spouse won't move on, won't be able to find someone else and that they can depend on their spouses for plan B. Surprise, surprise when they find that to be untrue.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
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leahsue Offline OP
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Thanks, Sara,
When I see your comments actually written out, it brings it all home to me.
OF COURSE, I don't want to be thinking about other men. But we are all human, and long for a connection, if nothing else, just to remember that just because our wayward spouse did not want us any more, does not mean that NO ONE DOES!
I'm afraid, both of loving again, and at the same time, of not loving again.
I'm not ready for that part of my life to be over.
But I know who I want it to happen with, and that may not be in the cards for me.
I think the healthiest thing for me to do right now, is sit back, watch how H handles the next few weeks, and react with my honest heart felt guide. No expectations, but no settling for less, either.
I have so many thoughts swirling through my head tonight.
I just need to chill out, watch some mindless TV, and let tomorrow be another day.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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