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Hi Sara, im glad you've reached the stage where you are. A stage i think we all must come to in the end no matter how different our paths were to get there.

No plans for a girls weekend away? I found out treating yourself every now and then can be great.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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PsySara Offline OP
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My weekends are for spending times with the wee ones. I try to get out with friends around once or twice a month. Given working full time and then having three small ones kind of makes my "me" time very limited. But that's okay, I enjoy my kids.

WH went out for a bike ride yesterday while I was at work. When he came home he was quiet and distracted. Rather than tiptoe around him and try to mind read I told him pointblank that he appeared distracted. He looked at me and said, "You think so?" I told him that I knew him fairly well and there was something heavy on his mind. Here's where the infidelity colors everything...my mind immediately went to affair stuff and if he had crossed a boundary again. He says, "I know I need to build trust so I am going to be honest about today." My heart was pounding so loud I could barely hear him. He continues, " I felt bad about going for such a long bike ride and so I rushed home so I wouldn't be too late. I was gong almost 100 mph and got pulled over and now I have a ticket for $300."

Honestly I almost laughed with relief. While I told him gently that I did not want him to drive that fast as he could get killed but that a ticket was no big deal. I fear I am not as detached as I thought if the thought of him crossing boundaries makes me so on edge. Today WH texted me, "Thinking of you :)" I was surprised as this is very out of character for him. I texted back to him to be careful while riding today and "Don't bring home any homeless bikes." He was laughing because he's been oogling pics online of Ducatis and Harleys and Indians. He texted back that I am lucky there isn't a bike rescue or we'd be in trouble.

When I got home we decided to take it easy tonight and took the kids to IHOP for dinner. The kids had a great time and a full belly. We got home and I did the bath/homework/bedtime routine. WH just took them to bed to lay next to them while they doze off. Where are we in relationship? I don't think of this as piecing but it's not the feeling of limbo either. Honestly I don't care what the stage of...whatever it is we're doing but I am relaxed and happy so, who cares?


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Dear Sara,

You are really detached, so proud of you!

Wow, did you notice how good it feels when you realize that you are Ok and somehow in peace if he wants to leave... and how his attitude switched somehow, why? because he realized that his power and his manipulations on you are over, you are now waterproof, he became somehow conscious (a tiny bit) that whatever the decision/action he will have to take will be based on what he really wants and not on what "he did because he was pushed to do" (wake up call to reality). You removed yourself as an excuse to his future actions. That's something scary for them, you "shook" his way of thinking. The more detached I became, the more "clingy" my H became and lately he has been saying how "a great wife I am, how lucky he is" (his cheaters/divorced friends are not really happy with their lives, they were at the beginning but now it seems that they realized that the grass was not that green on the other side of the fence), somedays I think he is scared I might do the same of what he did (he is always finding an excuse to call me to figure out where I am... and I am not answering my phone all the time...), that the last thing on my mind, I am just happy to have regained confidence in myself, my boss gave me a big raise and more days off when I went to tell him I wanted a sabbatical year.

"I am worth it" is my new motto, my kids love it.

Now don't expect him to have a big epiphany anytime soon, it's more a very slow awakening with a few step back from time to time, it seems they want/try to test us to evaluate their power, somehow they hate to have to comply to rules to stay in the family home after experienced that exhilarating freedom and all those "good feelings", it takes time for them to become conscious it was lust not love, it was fantasy not reality.

Stay firm on your position and boundaries and DO NOT hesitate to state them from time to time and reinforce them. You will be tested on them, when I don't know but you will.

Please don't have any R soon, he needs to understand that you are DONE and you need more than a few words to reconsider/give a thought about your situation if that what you might want.

Become mysterious for your own good, the less he will be aware of your life outside him (keep details to the minimum) the better it will be for you, you need your own privacy , build your own "happy place" with your kids and friends. Find happiness again and thrive. Live your life, stop letting what he did to you entrave your life in the "now", and rebuild your self esteem. Your worth is not related to him, your worth is what you will make of your life. Think of him as an accessory, nice to have but not necessary. You need that to protect your own heart and mind in case he decides to file for divorce or if you have to ask him to leave. Piecing is a marathon, a very long one and the success is not guarantee, so don't waste your heart and mind, keep them protected. It doesn't mean you stop loving/caring for him, but you refuse to have that feeling determine your own level of happiness.

I am so happy that you are finally finding happiness in your daily life, it means that your mind is not focused only on him and your relationship anymore, it's a sign of real detachment.

Sorry for being so late to post but graduation is around the corner, so many things to take care, also one of my kids is going to States, and I had a recurrent health issue to take care of ...

Big Hugs


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
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Just saw you last post, I was typing while you posted. It took me a while, my daughter changed her graduation party "wishes" again... she said now "mom you can do as you want". One week ago it was "you don't get it, listen to me...". MLC taught me to be patient and detached, lol, so useful with teenagers.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Joined: May 2016
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PsySara Offline OP
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Hey Sky! Sounds like you have your own hands full. Enjoy these milestones and savor a job well done as a parent.

I am irritated today. Two weeks ago I let WH know I was submitting out notice to leave our rental by June 19th, when the lease was up. Not a peep from him. Last week I told him I wass scheduling the carpet cleaners to come on June 17th and that I planned on having the entire house moved a week before that. Again, he just nodded. So I scheduled that as well. Tonight I was going through movers and decided given our super hectic schedules that I would hire folks that would pack and move us. I originally was thinking about packing myself but there simply isn't enough time.

WH said he preferred for us to extend the lease to then end of the month so we could "pack here and there." I gave an exasperated sigh as I have already scheduled the carpet cleaners, the walk through and the move out day. He immediately became argumentative and acted like the victim, "Never mind, I can already see you're not willing to consider my POV." So I asked him (with some frustration in my voice) to explain why we should delay it. He kept saying we could pack some stuff here and there. Now keep in mind this guy has NEVER packed anything. I spend weeks ahead of time packing everything before moving day. So I know a delay will simply be procrastinating a mad rush of me doing everything by myself again. Of course afterward WH went into his stone walling behavior and stared at the tv muted. Why muted? Who the hell knows, so we could sit in awkward silence. I just finished up cleaning the kitchen (I cooked dinner) bathing and getting the kids read for bed and now I am sitting here typing with irritation.

It's moments like this when I ask myself why am I married to this guy? He is lazy, procrastinates, makes promises and then "forgets." I end up being the only grown up in the relationship and continue to be so.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Wow, that's PA behavior...
He expects that you do you own moving with 3 small kids and a full time job!
May be you should give him a nice ultimatum, "if we are getting too busy may be we should reconsider hiring a company to move, remember also I had some heart issues and it's to my best interest to be careful, so unless you do all the packing I am not sure I can help/do it that time.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 791
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PsySara Offline OP
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Sky,
WH is the kind of procrastination, he will put things off until the last minute and then wonder why I am so stressed out. This was just more of the same for him.

I am in NY for the weekend staying at a colleagues place while visiting another colleague who is terminally ill and probably going to be passing away soon. When I was a resident we had a tightly knit group. It was majority male and I call them my brothers. Well one of those "brothers" found out he has pancreatic cancer and now he is fading fast. He was in the ICU for the last 2 weeks and they stepped him down to regular floors yesterday. He looks like a skeleton with skin. Earlier this month I texted all the other "brothers" and we all came to visit him yesterday for 2 hours. By the end of the visit he was drifting to sleep but seemed very happy we came. My heart was just broken into a million pieces, he is in his 30s and is graduating from his fellowship next week. He will likely not be able to attend his own graduation.

WH knows this colleague but was unable to get this weekend off as he is scheduled to work. Initially WH wanted constant texts and calls to speak to me. He seemed almost clingy and wanting assurance that I was thinking of him. However he cooled considerably by the night time last night and was short and mumbling. I was puzzled but didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it. I stayed up late playing board games with my friends and slept like the dead. Now I am drinking homemade chai and planning the day visiting more friends.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 229
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Sorry about your friend, but glad you are finally having some time for yourself. Keep planning your own activities and visiting friends, you need that positive network. I noticed that the more I reconnected with friends, the happier I became.

I am so proud of you, Sarah, you changed so much since I read your posts last year. You have mastered the art of Detachment. That's road was not easy, to be frank, I don't think that is easy for anybody, we learned through our trials and mistakes, they made us stronger and wiser.


Me 52+ WH 57+
Married 20 +
Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Joined: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted By: skyhigh
Sorry about your friend, but glad you are finally having some time for yourself. Keep planning your own activities and visiting friends, you need that positive network. I noticed that the more I reconnected with friends, the happier I became.

I am so proud of you, Sarah, you changed so much since I read your posts last year. You have mastered the art of Detachment. That's road was not easy, to be frank, I don't think that is easy for anybody, we learned through our trials and mistakes, they made us stronger and wiser.


THIS is where I thought I was, but I wasn't. I'm going to try to go there now. One day you feel OK, and the world is your oyster. The next day, or hour, or minute, your emotions drive you backwards. It's all a journey.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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PsySara Offline OP
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Sky,
Thank you for the constructive comments, it really helps when someone points out progress as sometimes it feels like I haven't really made any. Today my stomach is a ball of nerves because I am going home and detachment is always more difficult with WH in my presence.

Leah,
I still have roller coaster feelings but the difference is I have learned not to jump and react to my feelings. Feelings are transient and if you sit on them for a bit then they pass. This weekend is case in point. While I am with friends and doing things I don't even think of the disaster that became my marriage, but now that I am going back home I am back to an anxious ball.

This weekend has been a blessing and a curse. Seeing my friend was sort of a pivotal point in my mind. His wife was by his bed (and has been for months now) and you can see the love between them. Of course I went back to the last 1.5 years while I was being hospitalized for my heart and WH's barely emotional presence during that time. I also started thinking about the fact that I am 40 years old, still have my looks and energy and how I am not sure if I want to gamble that away while waiting for WH to come around and be the husband I need. I am extremely close to becoming a WAS. I have even pictured sitting down with WH and telling him I am going to file and we need to start discussing the logistics of divorce. I am >thisclose< and only the thought of the pain it may cause the kids holds me back. Frankly I feel they are already experiencing pain from our dysfunctional marriage so it seems 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other. So talk to me, my friends. Tell me why I should not do this. I am just so exhausted from waiting on WH to show true, deep remorse. He still does not go to IC, will not go to MC, doesn't even read any books. He has poor boundaries and I have this deep feeling he will cheat again in the future because he has not examined and repaired what is wrong in him that makes him cheat.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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