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#2741851 05/03/17 06:40 PM
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So, starting a new thread. Cant figure out how to link to the old thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2738033#Post2738033

As you know I am in the UK and have my H is back in the caribbean. Before I left he had told me that he would use the time I am away to have space and think about our marriage. He said he wouldn't be going out with the OW he has been living with (in the spare room according to him) as he felt obliged when living there that if she wanted to go out, he had to. I said that I will also use the time to give our marriage a great deal of thought.

So, I had installed a surveillance camera after he moved out - he had left me there alone - I had a choice when I left to tell him, or not, and I chose not to. I'd been gone 24 hrs. It was about 3am in the UK, my first night when my phone woke me with a motion sensor alert.

I thought to have a look - he had just got in from work. Earlier that day he had texted to say he was going to get a take out, chill out with the dogs and watch a movie.

So it was fairly late there and like i said he had just got in from work. He put the dogs in the garden and came back in to make their food. Less that 5 minutes later he came in and fed them - then he left. I thought this was odd, so i gave it a couple of minutes and called him - I know i probably should have left it, but my heart was racing and my mind running wild.

He answered - I asked how the movie was and he said - I 'm just on my way home now - just picked up the curry and heading there - so a blatant lie. I asked if it would be possible for him to put his camera phone on when he got to the house so I could see the dogs.

He now goes back to the house, puts on the camera phone and i talk to the dogs for a bit. He turns on the tv, sets up the table. He asks how things have been as his parents are here in the UK with me, and I tell him the truth - no easy or nice.

He tells me that he is missing me and does really love me and always will. Those words - just words i know.

I say I had better let him go and eat before his food gets cold. We say good bye. I watch on the camera as he turns everything off picks up his takeaway and leaves.

I gave it another couple of minutes and called him out. He went mental. I understand why - but it was just a fluke that i woke up to the motion sensor.

He went back to the house and smashed up the camera. He called me insane, paranoid, a lunatic, scummy - told me that the little bit he did care - well he now doesn't give a sh1t.

He said i was looking for something where there is nothing - he is not having an affair, he was not leaving with his takeaway - that it was all in my head. I know what I saw.

Even when caught out he lies so easily - all for a person he met 3 months ago. He manages to pass the blame onto me - maybe i do need to question my sanity.

Why tell a person that you love them, then betray them less that 30 seconds later? Why keep me hanging on at all if you don't want me? Why go to counseling to try and work on the marriage if you want to be with someone else? Why keep offering me hope? Am i missing something?

I know I need to use this time to sort myself out and build strength but honestly, I just have nothing left - I am numb that someone could be so cruel. This has all happened so fast - snowballing more and more everyday. I know that this will now end in divorce - and i have no idea how to prepare myself for it as for all this time i have wanted to save our marriage. I don't think there is anything left to save anymore.

How do i find the inner strength i need to walk away?


Last edited by Cadet; 05/04/17 06:00 AM. Reason: Link
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Island- I'll be honest with you.

Your relationship ended a long time ago. You are fighting for the old marriage. Why? How did that work out for you?

If you want H back, you need to let him go. No more spying. No more phone calls and chit chat. Find a way to function without him completely.

He needs to feel like you are movIng on with your life before he will start completely nig towards you. And it could be months before he does.

You gotta let him go before he will ever want to come back.

You can do it.

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Originally Posted By: Island
I know I need to use this time to sort myself out and build strength but honestly, I just have nothing left

Without this relationship, you will survive. I promise. Now is the time to put that life together. You took a great step going salsa dancing. What other things can you do? Your life will go on - its up to you to choose how to spend it.

Originally Posted By: Island
I know that this will now end in divorce

It will if you keep driving the train in this direction. YOU have control of YOUR actions. And your actions are taking you closer to divorce. THERE IS STILL HOPE FOR RECONCILIATION, BUT NOT IF YOU DONT CHANGE YOURSELF AND YOUR BEHAVIOR. You are continuing to do WHAT DOESNT WORK. Why are you so afraid to try something different?


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So it has been a while since i have posted - here is a brief update.

Within a few days of the camera incident, i received an anonymous email from someone telling me of my husband and the OW and that he was opening bank accounts and that he was going to screw me over. I ummed and arred about telling him, but in the end i sent him a copy of the email i received.

He was livid and told me it was all lies - well except for the opening of another bank account. He had suspicions it had come from his work, as in order to open a bank account on the island you need to have a job letter, something which he had requested the day before. 2 days later he was fired for having an inappropriate relationship with someone at work. I asked why he hadn't mentioned the opening of an account and he said he didn't know.

He still says its all lies - that there is categorically nothing going on and never has been and even went to see a lawyer re unfair dismissal. I dont know what to believe.

Anyway - a few days after that - his parents were staying with us, they broke the news to me that they had spoken with him and he had told them that he had made up his mind that our marriage was over and that he wanted a divorce.

I called him and asked him - Didn't i deserve to know first, couldn't he have done that. He just apologized.

I changed my return date as i needed more time in the UK - and for the first time in a long time i felt like me again.

I arrived back a couple of days ago and i'm truly wishing i hadn't. We have spoken - he says that he doesn't love me in the way a husband should a wife and hasn't done for 2 yrs. He is unhappy with everything and has been for about 2 yrs. For the first time he told me that he doesn't know if the unhappiness is him - I asked "do you not think you should seek some help if that is the case?" he just said probably. I asked, rather than trying to find the root of your unhappiness you're throwing me away along with everything else??? He said nothing.

Today he told me that he just doesn't want to be married - to me or anyone. He doesn't know what will make him happy - he doesn't know if he can be happy. I asked him why he kept telling me he loved me for 2 yrs if he didn't and he said because he thought the unhappiness would pass - how am i supposed to go on knowing that all i thought was real and true was just a lie? That he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear?

I literally have nothing left - can't stop crying and feel my world has just crumbled. There is no coming back from this, no hope of saving our marriage. He has asked if i will file for divorce and we can split the costs as he says he doesn't have grounds in the legal sense and I do. I have agreed.

We are selling out houses here and I will have no choice but to return to the UK as i can't afford to be here on my income - I am taking the dogs with me as he doesn't want them either. I feel like such a failure - a failure as a wife as i didn't know he was unhappy for so long - a failure that i didn't know he didn't love me, a failure that i am returning to the uk with nothing except regrets and sorrow.

I wish so much that I could have my husband back - but he has gone -he has changed so much. I want to help him as any wife would, but he just doesn't want me. Why am i not good enough? What is wrong with me? Could I have done anything differently?

I feel so broken, so hurt and rejected.

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Island, the script you got from him is very real to so many here, myself included. That two years is going to grow and grow until it is your entire marriage. That is another thing they do. That and the lying.

If you don't want the divorce, you may not be able to stop it, but you certainly don't have to help him with it. You are in a vulnerable state. Not the best time to be making big decisions. I hope you have a good support system.

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I know I shouldn't make any big decisions but my choices are limited. He will have to leave the island as he no longer has a permit to stay. I can't afford the mortgage on my wage alone. I have no choice but to help with a divorce i dont want as otherwise, i remain in a marriage by myself. I am up against a wall.

His words are so painful to hear - but because I care I dont want him to be unhappy and i certainly dont want to be the cause of it.

He keeps apologizing for hurting me, but it does hurt so god damn much.

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I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I hope you take care of yourself. Let yourself grieve your marriage and feel it. But don't let it drag you under. You are stronger and better then that. You may not feel like it. But it's the truth. And btw there is NOTHING wrong with you. But I suspect you know that. You just don't feel it right now. I'm so sending you so many hugs.


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He wants a divorce, then he needs to be the one to make it happen. H fed you a line used by so many WS on this board. Two years will turn into the whole MR. Just keep DBing. But also be smart and prepare for the worse. WS can easily bring you down with them in their foolishness.


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So after over a month I thought I would update on my situation - no good news I suppose.

On the 7th July my H and soon to be XH will be leaving this island and heading back to the UK. I am filing this week for our divorce. It looks like I will buy him out of our home and get a tenant to support paying the mortgage. I have decided to give myself at least a year here to see if I can bounce back and if not then I can return to the UK - home will always be there. I gave up one career to support his dreams to come here, I am in a good job and do not see the need to give up another career because of him.

He is in the house getting his stuff together ready to leave forever. We are like room mates. We talk - he chats about silly things like normal - I listen although I am dying on the inside as all I want is a kiss and a cuddle and a reminder of what was. I look at pictures - all seem like I am looking at 2 different people - I can hardly remember those times.

I am doing OK - getting on with work and GAL, but in the back of my mind I am counting down the days until the day he boards that plane and its killing me. To watch him fly out of my life forever - when I thought he was my forever.

We spoke last night and he told me that it is killing him to see how much this has hurt/is hurting me, but he can't help his unhappiness. He said the doesn't know what the catalyst was or why now all he knows is that our marriage wasn't working, couldn't be fixed but cant state what was wrong and what couldn't be fixed.

He has so much momentum and almost excitement for the path and new life he is off to lead - or that is how is appears and feels, where I am left here with the memories or what was, constantly wondering what could have been and not knowing why things failed - I imagine he will take those reasons to the grave with him.

I know I will be OK - I really have no choice. Just wish things were different - wish I knew where things went wrong - wish I knew how to stop his unhappiness - wish I could know that I will be happy.

This [censored] - this hurts and I'm in a constant state of grief - maybe it will become easier when he is gone although I dread that day so much, but maybe not having to see him, see how sad he is, maybe that will make it easier.

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Hey Island,

My W just moved away as well to another state. Waiting for the actual move day was torture for me.

It does get easier when they actually leave. The memories are tough to deal with but they lessen with time as you establish your new routine.

Hang in there.

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