Here again part 6

[T384]

Previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2739727&page=11

And I can never seem to get the hyperlink to work so I apologize in advance if I'm not successful again.

Here is my last post in response to Ownit and 25. Thank you everyone for your time, patience, and insight. I appreciate it.

Good morning,

I feel refreshed today the baby slept 6 hours straight for the first time! Must have been the graduation party haha. I think he was a little over stimulated.

The evening went off without a hitch. H had a good time (from what I saw) with my family. I went and sat with him with the baby to talk for a bit. He told me he was going into work tomorrow. I swear I almost think he tries to test me to see what I'm going to say or if it's going to start a fight. I just replied.. well that stinks but at least you have Monday off. Hopefully you won't have to be there all day and left it at that.

This morning I called him to see when he was thinking he would be done. The boys stayed with my mom last night and his work is close to her and it's 45 minutes from me so I asked if he would pick them up if he wasn't going to be late to save me s drive. I had asked him last night if he wanted to do something together this weekend. He said ya I don't care. So this morning he made a point to tell me he was going on the boat tonight. I just said maybe we can do something another night then.

I'm not worrying about OW. I mean yes it's in the back of
My mind but not something I'm going to investigate. I've not checked the phone bill in almost a month. He still continues to lie about stupid things. I'm working on letting it go and trying not to analyze it. He lied about going to get his hair cut. I don't get it. Like who cares. I'm obviously going to notice you got it cut lol. It's like he doesn't know how to tell the truth.

Anyway, I don't think in his mind he will be the one to do the things the C said my grandma also told me she thinks it's unfair of the C to put all of that on him with no expectation of me to initiate anything. I'm not sure if the C did that because H is the one who
Said he was done and he wants to see if he's willing to make an effort but I've decided (if you guys think it's a good idea) that I will Uniate the things the C said. I won't text H everyday but I'll continue sending pics of the baby and asking about his day every couple days and I will ask him to go out to dinner or a movie etc.

Im going to be the person only a fool would leave. It really is true though. When I can stop being negative and letting my emotions and pain drive my behavior. I am the person only s fool would leave and our life we have built with our boys - he would be stupid to leave. He's not in a place where he can see that right now. He's very distant and shut off... I'm hoping that with time he will open up.

[25yearsmlc]

Glad you started a new thread as I still, somehow, don't know how.

((AND Yes I know people have told me and I can just go back and read the instructions and I must have ADD or be resistant, etc - I'll work on it))

Back to you...

I'm pondering. Just wanted you to know I'm here.

Oh, and here is something for you that reminded me of a "fake it till you make it" deal. B/c these 2 weeks are what your h will have in his mind IF he leaves

and you don't want it to be you grilling him or crossing your arms judging...

***


About 8 weeks before h was to leave for Alaska (the first time) he had a 4 day conference in a resort area. He asked me and our 2 d's to go with him. I could not believe it.

I thought "no way".

I balked. I mean, why fake "happy family" when the axe was going to fall soon?
I could not imagine going and rewarding him, by pretending, or letting him be in denial, ETC.

My DB coach said something very different and very wise.

1) If this is your last vacation together, why not make it a good memory for your daughters?

2) why not make it a good memory for HIM so he'd have something to MISS?

And

3) to NOT fight and NOT to get angry. IN sum, she said my anger, however "right" I felt I was, or however justified my feelings were, they were not as important as my children having a good memory with their dad and me together.

My anger was not so important but honestly, sadly, it had been something I righteously clung to for too long.

Thanks to my DB coach,

I figured, maybe I could repress my anger for FOUR days...for FOUR days I could with hold my anger and my negative feelings and suppress my fears,

for my daughters and for the possibility that h would later regret things and maybe that I might even enjoy myself.

I didn't think I would, but I thought MAYBE I could pull off having some fun with the girls and they'd have a good memory of their dad. I did not realize that I might actually begin to FEEL differently by behaving differently, but it's what happened.

Also, I'm embarrassed to admit that when I contemplated this, I sort of comforted myself with the belief that "hey, I can always be angry and mean, LATER"...so it wasn't going to cost me anything to be kind and warm or at least, neutral, for four days...

At first as we were driving there, I thought h was getting a bit nerdy telling the girls about some wild life we saw.

BUT I stopped myself and instead, CHOSE to see him in a new way and I realized that in reality, the girls were learning from their dad. And it's a good thing that h is educated and smart. (And really I was simply being fairer to h)

Why was I seeing him so negatively before? Probably B/C he'd hurt me and it probably felt like a protective thing to do.

But it was actually destructive to our m, and that's just one tiny example of how I had let my anger poison my behavior and what I showed the kids.

Anyhow, I forced myself to "neutralize" anything negative I thought or felt, and sometimes, I was able to convert it into a positive. It got easier after only a day or so. And pretty soon, H behaved in a more relaxed way. He got happier and more positive as well. We both had some laughs too. And some romantic moments too, believe it or not.

And best of all, the girls had a blast with him and me. Went up a mountain and rode horses. We count that as a very good memory. And I happen to know it was something h thought about later on.

It was about 6 months later his loneliness got to him and his calls became daily events, sometimes more than once a day.

Give yourself a day at a time with this approach, (or a "conversation at a time") and pat yourself on the back when it works.

** Turn your anger and your pain over to God and let HIM hold onto it for you. It's awfully heavy to carry all the time on your own.

[T384]

Hi 25

The site must be out to get you if it won't let you make a thread haha

Thanks for sharing the story. It makes total sense...

I'm going to get through these next two weeks doing that. I'm going to just act as if things are fine. That was the best response I got from him in the last 2.5 months when I did that anyway. He is in a worse place now then he was then but we will see if this can change the dynamic.

[25yearsmlc]

It WILL change the dynamic b/c you are going to show your best side, no matter what.

Remember what the real goal is, which is not to change him. (I know how hard that is to accept, believe me).

[T384]

Well another day down.

No change in H behavior but I continued with mine. H worked til late in the afternoon. I didn't call or text to see when he would be done etc

He came home and went with my dad and brother to a gun show. I went out and did some shopping with my mom and the kids. I got home and asked if they had a good time. He bought a very expensive gun.. I just replied oh that's neat is it the one you've been wanting and left it at that. We were supposed to go to dinner but he said he was too tired when I got home and we would go tomorrow. I said okay sounds good.

My family was going to dinner on the water and H declined to come because he was working on one of our boats.. the boys left with my family and I stayed behind to feed the baby. I left to meet them and told H I would see him later and he said he decided to come with. We didn't talk much at dinner but we laughed a lot with our family had some drinks and ran into a few friends who Joined. The boys went back with my mom ( I told them I feel like chopped liver lol ) so it was just H I and the baby. He went to bed early and I stayed up trying to get the. Baby asleep who still sometimes has his nights and days mixed up (and has been up for the last 2 hours since 130am). I'm tired!!

Anyway- not much to report. Just journaling. Today it seemed a little easier to be myself. It's hard when we're out like tonight with friends and family and he feels distant. Usually he would hold my hand etc. but I try not to
Think of that in the moment so it doesn't derail my effort

[OwnIt]

Keep going TO, you can do this.

[T384]

Thanks Ownit

Yesterday was okay. The boys were with my mom all day so I hung st the house with the baby and H worked on the boat all day. H had said on Friday we would go to dinner last night. 9pm rolled around and he was still deep into the boat so I figured we weren't going to dinner. I was pretty annoyed he just didn't even acknowledge it but i left it be. I went out there and kissed him goodnight. He didn't come in til 230am because the baby woke up as he was getting in bed.

Today we are going out on the boat. I asked him if he was going on the boat with my family or taking ours. He is just so short with me ... I just said okay just asking no biggy and left it at. I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard to be so nice and as if when he's so cold and short.

I really need more from him. I need some sort of sign that he's in this. All the signs point to he's not.

Anyway, contemplating taking the baby on the boat for a bit. He just turned a month old so I'm not sure if it's going to be more of a pain and hot for him.

Hope everyone has a nice Memorial Day!

[Sotto]

Mostly sounds good from your end TO. The only bit of thinking to watch is this bit..

"I really need more from him. I need some sort of sign that he's in this. All the signs point to he's not."

When your mind goes to this place, you get all antsy with him and then the cycle starts again...

Take care and hope you enjoy the boat trip xx

[sandi2]

I really need more from him. I need some sort of sign that he's in this. All the signs point to he's not.

This ^^^^^^^^ is going to be the rope that hangs your M. You do okay for a few days, then you start saying you need more from him. Maybe you don't say it to him...........but I think he is reading the message in you. Spouses know each other very well and if you are constantly thinking about how you need more........chances are your attitude, body language, tone of voice, facial expression, responses, behavior, etc. is giving the message to him.

He already feels that he will forever be under your magnifying glass. Why should he strive to show you signs that he is in or out? He feels he cannot win. The first thing out of the counselor's office, he tried to kiss you and you rejected him. Men can't take too many times of rejection (which comes in various packages), before they give up. The male ego is the most delicate thing in the world. I'm not saying it's right or fair.......it just is.

What is your part? What if he is thinking that he needs to see some sign in you that tells him you are through doubting/judging him? You have not drilled him lately, and that is great........if you maintain it. From what I've observed, you are looking at him to see if he intends to give what you need. I'm just asking.......what if he's looking at you?

Maybe you should stop saying you need more from him...........at least for a while, b/c it could be subconsciously working against you. I know you are just saying it here on the board, but it may have negative power behind it. We all agree you deserve more than what you are getting. I have observed that these words seem to be the start of another bad emotional ride for you.

[OwnIt]

I would think a good antidote to that would be to think instead I need to give more.