First time here, part 3

[PsySara]

I'm really proud of you. You came across confident, cheerful and detached. This starts him thinking that you are moving forward (because you are!) and that he has a "sliding door moment" to either step through or maybe miss this opportunity forever. I am a physician and watch fellow physicians destroy their lives by making their work the only priority. Most of them are single/divorced or perpetually moving from one relationship to another.

I got into an argument with my program director once because he said I had no ambition. I reflected back that my ambition was there but with different goals. My goal was to do work I enjoyed with the aim of coming home each evening to have dinner with my children. I also don't jump at working weekends (like my colleagues for $$$$) because I'd rather be with my kids.

My WH is like yours in that his work has oftentimes interfered with family time. While the kids are young this doesn't register with the little ones but the future will make for a lonely time for WH if he doesn't start getting a work-life balance. I let go of the rope and now WH comes home more consistently. You're doing well, keep plugging along. I want updates on your GAL weekend!

[leahsue]

Thanks Sara.
I'm going to do some fun things this weekend, but I have to admit my heart is a little heavy today. Even as I say that though, I realize that part of me is a little relieved to not be constantly watching my phone, focusing on him. I know I'm nowhere the detachment I need to be, but I'm a heck of a lot closer than I was 24 hours ago. At least I'm back to the stage of NC- which I've said before, is so much easier for me to maintain than that hot and cold, push and pull, which were all on his terms anyway. I feel a lot more free today. And so far, not really all that sad. Nights are hardest.

[leahsue]

Just some random thoughts this morning....
This weekend has been harder than I thought it would be. I think because I did not plan enough GAL to do on my own, since the plan was for H to be here. I had spent so much time planning things to keep US busy, then when the visit got canceled, most of those things wouldn't work for just me. So I've had way too much alone time, which usually leads to sadness. I'm going to try and step it up today. I don't have trouble making new friends, but I'm having trouble figuring out where to meet them. All the groups I look into so far are either senior citizen groups, or young single adults who want relationships. Really all I want are people to do fun things with in a group. I'll keep looking.

I did have some rather drastic thoughts this morning about just bringing this whole thing to a conclusion- I considered just getting on a plane today, checking into a hotel near H's apt., maybe watch for a day or so, or maybe just walk right up to him. That could either go very positively, or horribly bad.

So many friends have said to me, well I wouldn't just be sitting here waiting for him to make all the decisions about your relationship-I'd be in his face, demanding answers, calling him out,..... but that's just not me. For me to just show up and see him face to face would be the most dramatic 180 I could ever do. He would be shocked. But maybe I would be also, and not in a good way.

I've had NC since I told him the new dates of his visit wouldn't work for me. I don't know if he'll keep those dates and come anyway, or re-schedule, or just let the ticket go. He will have to be the one to decide that though, then if the times work out for me to see him, I will.

If I'd ever been given the magical gift of mind-reading, this would be a great time to use it.

[Tread]

The hardest part is putting the decisions in somebody else's hands. Especially when that person doesn't seem to be in the right state of mind. And friends giving their advice always makes you seem foolish. Which is why I have stopped telling friends and family things. But that's all we can do. GAL in many cases never seems to go the way we hope they do entirely. That's why its good to always have a back up plan just in case. When plans fall through my mind always goes back to my sitch. So I've learned to always be prepared to do something else.

Don't show up for a face to face, unless you plan on fighting for the MR. And since you say that would be your 180, it might might something to him. Anything else is just going to make you look crazy and cause him to run even farther.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm really proud of you. You came across confident, cheerful and detached. This starts him thinking that you are moving forward (because you are!) and that he has a "sliding door moment" to either step through or maybe miss this opportunity forever. I am a physician and watch fellow physicians destroy their lives by making their work the only priority. Most of them are single/divorced or perpetually moving from one relationship to another.
I got into an argument with my program director once because he said I had no ambition. I reflected back that my ambition was there but with different goals.



Sara, I'm a L by training, m to a DOCTOR, for 35 years. And Known hundreds of MDs. I will offer 4 vignettes to ponder.

1) ALL of the staff physicians I knew who discussed or pushed more "ambition" to the younger colleagues, are divorced and have very distant r's from their children.

(If they are in their original m's they would push more balance).

Urging the same behavior that ruined their own families, seems like a cruel way to justify their choices as if to say they had no choice. (But then, just b/c they are DOCTORS, doesn't mean they are emotionally brave or self aware.)

2) our d28 feared h when she was young, b/c she did not know him. Literally, she asked me who he was when he came home one night. That hurt h and it was a moment of consciousness, painful for all of us. I think it briefly sank in. But I suspect it later = sacrifice on HIS end....HIS loss, more about HIS suffering and not the vacuum it was for my single parenting or loss for our lovely d28.

3) recently d19 asked h for food money for her summer away. H said he is "tired of being used for money." D19 said to me, without rancor, "what else would I use dad for? Deep talks? We've never had any. Spending time together? I'm in college now, that ship has sailed..."

Isn't that ^^ just freaking tragic?

4) Last, we knew a couple in which both were MDs. They seemed to want to out earn the other and both took lots of call.

One or both of their kids had a lot of emotional issues and the father MD told me that he & his w had "done everything for them...we hire therapists and tutors and mentors and they see a shrink too..."

All I could think of was that those kids were screaming for attention, and all these DOCTORS could do, was hire more surrogates.


Sara, please remind yourself of these ^^ moments, these times YOU could have had,

if you were making other "ambitious" choices.





My goal was to do work I enjoyed with the aim of coming home each evening to have dinner with my children. I also don't jump at working weekends (like my colleagues for $$$$) because I'd rather be with my kids.

My WH is like yours in that his work has oftentimes interfered with family time. While the kids are young this doesn't register with the little ones but the future will make for a lonely time for WH if he doesn't start getting a work-life balance. I let go of the rope and now WH comes home more consistently. You're doing well, keep plugging along. I want updates on your GAL weekend!

[leahsue]

Tread, just curious why you said "only show up for a face to face if you're going to fight for the marriage"..... I guess, in a way, I AM fighting for the marriage. Neither of us has said we want a divorce. We just live 1000 miles apart right now, and I got tired of his planning visits here, then postponing due to work deadlines, only calling or texting sporadically, etc. He is not overtly trying to divorce me, but he is certainly not pursuing me either, with the exception of planning to visit, which has now been delayed 3 times. So honestly, I don't think we really "fit" into a certain stage in the DB wheel. I think I'll have a better idea once he makes his way here for a visit. In the meantime, I'm NC. That's about the only thing that feels right to me, at this point. Make sense?

[Thornton]

I would stay NC right now. Do not even think about buying a plane ticket. That would be disastrous!

[OwnIt]

Leah, I agree with Thornton. I think it would be disastrous if you did that. I can see that you have a hard time with patience. I did for a long time too, not sure where I suddenly found it. I think it was when I decided that I was ok with divorce. I can't stop him, but I'm not doing it for him.

I think your H is still way too much the focus of your life and that you view him as a necessity for your own happiness. Do not give anyone that power over you. You are such an amazing and plucky woman. Get out there and live that life and be that independent dynamo that squeezes joy out of every moment.

Vent to us (and share your cockamamie schemes) but with him, be confident, busy and steady. You guys keep dancing so close to one another that you will collide at some point here. Just be patient.

[leahsue]

Thanks Thornton and Own,

I'm trying. I don't know why it's so DAM(N) hard right now.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Thornton and Own,

I'm trying. I don't know why it's so DAM(N) hard right now.

expectations of the weekend you had planned and hoped for, would be my guess.

I'm sorry.