This used to be easier - and a lot more fun, cont.

[DonH]

Well Mat 20th was as uneventful as it always is. The only difference is that I remembered this year where I don't most years. I texted several friends including a few who were in the wedding to see if they remembered. Two guessed correctly, a few others didn't even respond. I never got back to them and life simply went on. Was with family on the 21st and no one even gave a hint. I said nothing. I'm guessing after all these years it's long forgotten.

Did have fun last Saturday though including discussing the potential to go on a cruise with the friend I was out with. I love cruises. It would be her first. We get along really well and have fun together. She has not had a serious R in years just like me. All things considered we coukd be dating but I just don't feel it with her. Not sure why. Yet I'd totally do the cruise and we have been physical at times. Might somethung develop? Hmrf I guess anything could happen but I rather doubt it. I'm totally in for the cruise though - will see if it happens. Now watch her get a BF and I'll be out. Lol

Another "date" of the same type - in all ways this Saturday. Really is the same other than I do feel an attraction with this one but we are just not a fit. She has young children (7/10) and suffers from some depression issues. The good L is great but the not so good L is really hard to deal with. Still, I'm very looking forward to seeing her Saturday night. I'm sure it will be fun.

Of course as luck would have it, two GF from high school asked me to meet them Saturday night. Now it was HS so it's not like I was in love with either of these girls. They are still the best of friends and it was just casual stuff with me, years apart from each other, but I'd love to see them. Not sure the timing will work since I'll be with L an hour away from where they will be, but I told them when I was on the road I'd text and if they are still out I'll stop by where they will be. One is just visiting from out of state so I'd really like to see her. The other is recently D'd --- hmmmm is that part of why she messaged me after all these years? It did cross my mind but honestly I'd just love to see these friends from so many years ago. Last time was about 4 years although we keep in touch electronically. Anything else would just be a bonus.

And then, the gal from January invited me over for a cookout on Monday. We've stayed in touch with her more perusing me. As per my usual, not sure if I feel anything more than a friendship there either but I love talking with her and I'm sure Monday will be fun.

Add in band gigs on Friday and Sunday and I've got a busy busy weekend! And that's good. A lot of activities and that's great. Still no one that I think about in "that way". Part of me thinks that's good. Another part wishes I had a real, romantic date in the mix. Just not the case. Oh well. It's just the start of summer. Will see what happens. And of course, even if it does will I be interested? That's the piece that seems to happen less and less every year.

[adinva]

Hi Don! How do you navigate the potential cruise-girl R? Seems so confusing to me...i'd think she'd assume that was going to be a serious thing, and feel rejected if it's not. If you're willing to share I'm wondering how something like friends or more than friends but not going anywhere but not cut off entirely gets negotiated.

[DonH]

Well Adinva, it has just sort of happened and evolved. I've known her for coming up on three years now (I think). She is 43, never married and no children. She has not really had a BF for as long as I've known her. We somewhat worked together for the first year or so but she has moved onto a different company. We are both very comfortable with each other. She is casual about it all and so things just happen very naturally. At least that's the case for me. We've stayed together in the same bed before without anything happening so it would not be a problem for both of us if we did a cruise together. We actually nearly did that a year ago with a cruise I ran but she could not get off of work since she was still pretty new in that job. She's done the FWB thing with others and seems fine with it. We are actually more friends than benefits.

So I don't know if I'm explaining things well or not. If you are asking, how did I make this happen - the answer would be, I didn't. It just sort of evolved. I wish I had more romantic feelings for her but they are just not there even though I love hanging out with her when we do. I guess it's possible that could develop if we spent more time together but sort of doubt it.

She may wish or want for more? I'm really not sure. She is the type of person who is pretty smart, reads people and then will try to do what they like - if that makes sense. So sometimes I'm not really positive of what she really thinks or feels - sometimes just more I sense she's doing or saying something because she knows I would agree or like it, etc. Does that make sense?

As for her, she claims she would like to be married one day, yet she does less dating than I do! I don't think she was able to have children even if she would have been married and now at 43 that's sort of off the table unless it happens really quickly. I just don't think that it will. We are both rather independent, like our space, etc. I've heard her talk about at least a few guys she's been involved with and actually doesn't have expectations with them and sort of rather keeps them at a bit of a distance.

For whatever reason, I really do think we could both go on the cruise, even interact much like a couple and still just continue to be good friends afterwards. I may be total wrong, but I don't think so - other than, like I said, I sort of sense she might hide her true feelings unless she thought I felt differently. All I can do is take her at her word and her actions. It's really up to her. We'll see if she reaches out and has me book this with her. The only potential down side would be either of us getting into a R in which case either I'd have to cancel or she'd have to say, Sorry, Don, I've got a BF so obviously he's going to have to go on the cruise with me - which I'd totally understand. Thing is, we've both been single all this time - the odds are not high that will change in the next 10 months.

[DonH]

Wow, coming up on 4 months since I've posted on my own thread. I had to even find it again! Not that I've haven't posted on others and I pretty much stop by several times a week and catch up. Just have not posted here - which means catching up on 4 months takes some time - an entire summer's worth. For those with enough interest, and some knowledge of my past, here we go.

I guess the place to start is, I'm really doing well. Then again, I pretty much have been all through. Somewhat on the advice given here, I've given up on "trying" to meet women and just letting things happen - and they have.

I'll start with the craziest of all - at least to me. Anyone remember the friend of a friend who lives on the east coast but comes back "home" as she calls it, at least once a month? Like the others, I had pretty much given up on her after she got weird on our last date - which was over a year ago now. We've very lightly kept in touch with a FB post, comment or text here and there. Then I started noticing her liking or commenting on nearly every of the few FB posts I make. Hmmmm, what's that about? I then figured I'd wish her a happy birthday and got a clearly depressed response - or at least that she was struggling. I do feel bad for her as she is in much the same place as some of us here. Not my problem, not mine to fix but I do have empathy for her. We talked a bit and that was it. Well I did talk with her friend, who remains a very good friend of mine as well.

So imagine my shock then about a month ago, just as I was about to leave on a four day trip, inviting me to come visit her and "hang out by the ocean" as she put it. Huh?????? I hardly hear from you, you show little interest but out of the blue invite me to stay with you for an extended weekend? Who does that? Is this "normal?" I did respond and some decent conversation followed over several days while I'm away. Again, out of the blue, she does a complete about face, says she's not in a good place and doesn't need "crazy in her life." Now I may be and may bring a lot of things, but most certainly crazy is not among those things - which really P'sd me off. I quickly dropped the rope and did not respond much more. A day later and my phone is blowing up with texts and calls. Seriously? Believe who people show themselves to be. There is more to this story and her loneliness together with advice from our mutual friend likely had something to do this this. We did meet when she came back to town but I can't get over her behavior and it pretty much took away my interest. We've not talked much since.

Very busy summer. I have increased the GAL although much of it still centers around band gigs and trips - which is very normal for me. However, so many of these trips are 75% vacation and GAL and 25% "work" Booked a 100% vacation trip I've wanted to do for a long time to Washington DC for next month. I've been to many places but never DC. Hope to meet up with a friend from high school who just retired as a colonel and still lives out there. May meet up with another friend as well. Beyond that, I'm going by myself - which has often been how my vacations have gone for the last 12 years. Going to a beech resort or something like that by myself - no way. But DC is a perfect place to go by myself and explore - in fact I sort of prefer it.

Ran into another lady I've been attracted to back in July. Clearly we'd at least go out if she didn't live in PA and me in WI. At least it was a self esteem boost and nice to connect and spend time with someone in a romantic type way. It felt very natural and was very enjoyable.

The friendship with the is she gay is she not gay woman continues to grow - very well actually. We are so comfortable with each other and she makes an effort - clearly. I mean, I'll just leave her a casual message (if she doesn't answer) and within hours she's returning the call - and this happens pretty much every time - even when I say "just calling to say hello." We'll often talk for hours. Still not sure if she's into men or not. She clearly does not have a BF and doesn't seem to want one. She calls me dear and hun and all sort of other names yet it seems very natural. We've done some walks together - she's huge into fitness, actually is an athletic trainer, but doesn't do much with that certificate these days. Met for drinks and dinner. Might something develop? It well could or it may not. Thing is, I'm not even thinking about it, just enjoying her friendship.

So have I gotten anywhere or any clarity through this summer? Perhaps I have and it may continue to answer why I've not had a GF in 4 years and not much in the way of Rs in the 11 years since my divorce in October 2006. I want to be invited to the party - I just don't necessarily want to go. That became clear with the east coast lady - although her behavior was also a big factor, no doubt. But I'm not sure I was all that attracted to her in the first place. It was enough to pursue something but as soon as she returned the interest - dysfunctional as it was - I was not nearly as sure. Does that make sense? It feels for sure that I don't at all want to work at it or for it. If it happens in an easy, no drama, no hassles way, I may be in. But I clearly don't have a lot of effort to put in to pursue someone - and perhaps they can sense that? Then again, with some, I clearly put in the effort. Am I even making sense now?

This is how it was prior to meeting my exW. Some people seem to fall for anyone or can "settle" for anyone. A year ago I got contacted by an ex GF who broke up with a long term live-in BF. I was not much interested in going back there but would have reconnected. Within a month she "met someone new" and was just married - for the 4th time - last month. Some people do that. It's just not at all me - never has been. The good thing about not trying as much is I'm just as happy without the frustrations I was often talking about here. I still miss intimacy - especially just holding hands, snuggling together, kissing, things like that. But not enough to settle and above all, I still rarely really, really find someone I'm very interested in. It's always been that way and perhaps always will be. Ex W came out of nowhere and the pieces just fit. Will that happen again? Who knows but something tells me it's not likely.

And so I'll end with this. I've not had any contact with ExW since 2.5 years ago when our dog had to be put to sleep I sent a text and let her know. She thanked me, etc. but that was it. Anyhow, for the longest time she wanted me to cut this tree down by the back deck. I really did not want to as it was the only one near that area of the house, had to be like 40 years old and just, well just didn't agree and it stayed. Well mother nature took off the top in a storm and it's just overgrown way too far so a friend and I removed it a few weeks ago. Somehow it dawned on my how many times ExW talked about - actually it became a joke - taking that tree down. At least I thought it was a joke - perhaps not. On a total spur of the moment whim, I took a picture of it on the ground and the vast open erea and texted it to her with a comment of "well it may have taken me 14 years but I finally took down that tree you wanted out of the way." I thought it was friendly enough - and totally my sense of humor. No response. And in this case, I could not have cared less - sort of expected not to hear anything.

And that's my update for this time. I'll try not to wait another 4 months but no promises. Life really is good, I can't complain. It without a doubt could be much, much worse. I'm rather happy on balance. Yet, everyone said for years and I still real on the boards all the time about all sorts of people "Don't worry, you'll meet someone else" blah, blah, blah. Seems like age 42 to 54 went by in a blink and I'm no closer to having a significant other now than I was then - perhaps farther from. I hope I didn't waste some good years there. In ways I fear I did. Oh well. Life is what you get when you're making other plans.

[Ginger1]

Don,

So you talk to this maybe lesbian for hours on end and have no idea if she is actually a lesbian??!! You need to change the conversation up to figure this one out! get into the deep stuff and you'll find out. ANd if she digs guys, I say go for it!

I'm glad life is good. we go with all the ups and downs right? I am glad it is on an up!

[kml]

Again, out of the blue, she does a complete about face, says she's not in a good place and doesn't need "crazy in her life."

That was some pretty obvious projection on her part. Good job staying away from crazy.

[Dawn70]

I agree TOTALLY with kml! And, is it just me or when people make blanket statements like that about avoiding crazy or drama or the like, it is them CAUSING the crazy, drama, etc.? I don't know....maybe that has just been my experience. LOL Whatever the case, I think you avoided a bad situation with that one, Don.

[JujuB]

Haha, i think youre right dawn. The people who say they are not looking for dram tend to be the ones behind it all.

Im even thinking that we have to consider being less forgiving of when people show us their true colors. (Like this woman got weird a while ago, then came back and acted like a psycho again) why do we keep thinking they have changed. Same thing with our ex's. We try so hard to do 180s so they wilk return, but then they end uo repeating. Because its all about them.

[DonH]

Good comments on the latest flake. With me, however, I am very, very leery and cynical of most in the first place - unless I really, really fall for them and then I can get sucked in. But in this ladies case there was never that huge of attraction - I was more giving her a chance as many here have suggested. I even remember saying she was last on a then current list of 3 or 4 - and getting yelled at by someone here for saying it that way - LOL. Anyhow, yes, it's rather clear. As I said, I don't try to fix people. I'm very huge on "people will show us who they are if we will only listen." That said, I do emphasize with her as it's what many of us here have gone through or are going through. She's divorced, no kids, away from family, not many local friends (from what I can tell), in a huge community for the military. OTOH, this is somewhat her choice and she doesn't seem to be wanting to do anything to change it - or perhaps like me, is not sure how to change it? But her only step in the right direction has been going from trying to tell everyone (and likely convince herself) she has a "great life" to admitting her life is not going that well.

The bigger take home for me, is the dating world seems to be filled with people like this - at least at my age. They are all over the place - all over. Yeah, I'm very picky and won't settle. I don't deny that. But still, it's so very hard to find someone who is "normal", meets what I'm looking for and I am attracted to. Then if even all those things are met, I have to check their boxes or we'll still not get anywhere.

Is it any wonder I've been D'd for 11 years next month and am still very much single. I think my revelation of two years ago holds true more than ever - I really do need to find a widow. Which, by the way, for those playing along and following me at home, my widow is moving from Arkansas to Florida in a few months! I just can't win - not that I've seen her in a long time anyhow.

Thanks for the comments everyone! I'm actually impressed people have taken the time to read it all!

[JujuB]

I hear similar sentiment from a lot of men out there. They all seem to be frustrated over the women they are meeting. That eqst coast lady is definatly someone to stay away from, but what else are factors that make someone a red flag?