I am having a rough time... the cookbook came and she saw it and got excited so I said you pick a recipe and I will make it. So I go to the store and when I come back I saw a note on her bed where she is writing things down on what to do to live on her own. Very short basically utilities and utensils but still... I was hoping she wasn't going to take this step. On it she has separation agreement written. And earlier today she did mention seeing an apartment close to work but it is pricey.
I know I can survive on my own but I don't want to. I was hoping with time and patience she will see that the changes I made are genuine. But I haven't gotten a chance to show her a better side when doing fun things. She is intentionally trying to not do those things.
I am just going to have to accept it's over but not be sad and angry about it. But it's soooo hard.
What a weird day... so here is another update.... I went to go see a movie and when I came back W greeted me in tears and said how she doesn't feel anything. Nothing sounds like fun to her. She seemed in major despair so we hugged and we cuddled a bit. She then initiated more physical contact saying that she doesn't want to give me false hope and I said I don't have false hope I know it won't be fixed overnight and she said: maybe ever. And I said. Yes that is possible. She then initiated sex which we did. I know the rules say not to do that but given her despair and given the many mixed signals I figured this may give some kind of positive boost.
She then later came over to my room and said she is conflicted about what happened because she wanted to keep that boundary. But it was HER who initiated (as it was a week ago before I left for a trip...but at that point nothing happened). She said the most likely option is still for this to be over. She said it felt good but different since it lacked that lovey-dovey feeling.
So I made some errors by telling a few close friends that I found out... I was so hurt by her cold reaction to me finding out. After I told them she came to me and for the first time in a while we talked for a few hours and fell asleep in the same bed. She mentioned why she went for this and how it felt and how there are many things that wouldn't work between them.
This morning she freaked out when she asked me if I had told anyone. I wanted to be truthful. She has been exhausted but has spend a bit of a time together. I showed her the sex starved marriage book as it seems our libidos never matched up...although we both wanted more sex but it just never clicked the right way.
She said last night that the OM actually helped her appreciate me more and almost make these past few weeks so much better with me. But that she didn't tell me because she had made the decision to leave before she met him and it was starting to fizzle out anyway.
I don't know how to feel. Somehow I want to make it work even more as I am so mad at myself for apparently neglecting her so much. Although she seems to only look at the negatives. She said OM opens doors, compliments her look, tells her she smells right. Things I have done and said but not always. From the texts I also learned she likes that he is dominant in the bedroom which is something I wish she would have addressed with me.
It's going to be rough getting back on track but I told her ILY. And I want to make it work. We need to start small. I definitely need to stop talking to others...but I was in such a lonely place and deep down I knew she was seeing someone else. So it was almost better that that was uncovered...as she was starting to treat me like the OM and the OM as her H.
Maybe now she will give it her attention since we do seem to have a strong bond. There are just things we need to work out.
Sorry to hear about your W cheating. But at least you now know what pushed your W into wanting to leave. Don't get me wrong the neglect was a big part. But I have discovered that there is always a trigger that makes WS decide to leave. So your W is most likely lying about knowing she wanted to leave prior. Also your W is making no sense. The OM helped her appreciate you more. How is that? Especially when you say that she is only looking at the negative in you. But yet speaks about how great the OM is.
Did you ask for any details in regards to OM? Does OM have a w or does he work with your W? Don't get me wrong. Your focus should be solely on your MR, but these are details that you should know about. Because OP will always have a place in blocking when your trying to make changes in your MR.
Also what do you mean by strong bond.? Has she now shown signs of wanting to possibly make the MR work now that the truth is out there?
What a weird day... so here is another update.... I went to go see a movie and when I came back W greeted me in tears and said how she doesn't feel anything. Nothing sounds like fun to her
What are the ages of you and W? No offense, but she sounds very young and/or immature. She clearly has you wrapped around her little finger, which seems to be the case with the majority of newly LBH'S.
Quote:
She seemed in major despair so we hugged and we cuddled a bit. She then initiated more physical contact saying that she doesn't want to give me false hope and I said I don't have false hope I know it won't be fixed overnight and she said: maybe ever
For whatever reason you were led to think she had a change of heart.........she has not. It always makes me nervous when I hear about a W cheating and then seducing her H to have sex with her. I have a couple of immediate thoughts as to why she would........and neither are good. It would be easy if things could be fixed that easily, but it's not that simple anymore.
All cheaters have something in common. They are deceitful. From this point going forward, you need to protect yourself, before anything else. You will not be able to trust her word or actions alone.
Do you know if she has had sex with the OM?
Have you confronted her about the affair? If not, wait until we can discuss it more, before jumping into confrontation.
Never tell her how much you know, or the source.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We do have about a 10 year age gap. She is 30, I am turning 41. She never was immature but I have felt her age is acting up now.
She knows what I know and she has been very upfront about it as well after I called her out on it. I took pictures just in case this isn't salvageable and the divorce can be filed for infidelity but I want to see if we can overcome this. It truly seems she was feeling isolated. And from what I have seen OM gave her attention more than anything. They did have sex about two times. The hurtful part is more that she lied when I asked her twice about it. And that I was trying to give her attention too...she just saw it as not being genuine because where was this H all these years? Well he had been there but inconsistently.
She said the OM made her realize things we are compatible with and by looking at me as a friend she got more compassion for me. Maybe she cannot be trusted but I have to figure that out. She told me this morning that she liked being sexual with me but that she doesn't know if she did it because she was afraid or because she wanted to. I told her we need to take this a day at a time. I told her that while there are a lot of complications we also have a history. The things we did yesterday where things she felt were missing all these years. But we also addressed several challenges that we needed to work on.
Some of what she describes conflicts with what happened. Like she felt these past few weeks I wouldn't even care if she slept with someone else because I didn't seem to show any signs. Which isn't true...except that for the past three weeks I stopped saying ILY and I stopped sending a ton of messages.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
So this past week has been in some ways the closest we have been. Yet she still talks to this OM and plans to meet him on Sunday. But she wants a date with me today. She said she has a desire to have sex with others and I am not opposed to that but I feel we need to first work on us. She said this week for the first time she can see a future with me but she isn't there yet. There is a lot of hurt that I neglected her.
She said if I cannot let her hang out with him and that it is first to have a friendship with him and possibly have sex. She says OM asked her what was happening with us and for the first time she says she told him she agreed to work on it with me. But I don't know if that's true and if it's true what he responded with. She feels trapped and lonely and isolated and from the messages I read he did treat her well and showed her attention and seems an okay person. So if it's just different sex she wants to experience I can live with that. But I also am vulnerable about us.
She noticed I ordered the sex starved marriage and so much of what happened with us was described in there. I want her to read it but she doesn't yet seem ready. We HAVE both been exhausted and she has been sick lately (she even says she doesn't know if she even feels well enough to have sex with him even if she wanted to).
She has acknowledged how she took the little things I did for granted and has expressed more gratitude towards me. I just keep going back and forth emotionally.
But it's a positive she wants to date today and that she has slowly been talking about moving somewhere together (e.g., "if you go there I can do gradschool there"), she shared annual passes for a park she wanted to do last year and I said no. This time I was ready to buy them but then she was like wait no let's not add another big purchase just yet. But she also mentioned a maid. I THINK (key word) she is genuine...and maybe she is just doing all this to see how serious I am about changing. I have been wrong towards her (that doesn't justify her cheating on me...).
She has also been more committed to seeing a therapist/counselor BUT then I doubt it when she still wants to hang out with him. She said she didn't want to hurt me but also feels she cannot just let this OM hanging since he was there for her as well. So maybe all they want to do is go out for dinner. Last week when I saw her devastated and she said she wants to kill herself and that she doesn't feel anything (before I discovered the messages) she said she was already feeling it was fizzling out (but the messages contradict that)...she said now that I know she feels safer if she can still see him.
I just don't know what to do. She missed intimacy and didn't feel appreciated by me. So by me pulling away I feel I am doing the opposite of what I need to do. But we had a wonderful time yesterday but I feel by me trying to connect with her I am making it too easy for her to continue like this. But because I haven't always been there for her I am also wondering if by now pulling away again I am making it easier for her to think I am back to my old ways.
But I just told her that I just wanted to respect her wishes that yesterday was my day and today is OM's day (she plans to get a hotel) and that I cannot always be there when she wants me to be there. She got upset and called it passive aggressive. But I am just trying to do what she asked from me.
