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Just a quick post here, I may have more - but I caught my wife checking up on her OM, even though they work together (the affair was over once I busted them). Why would she check on him if she worked with him?

Turned out he supposedly got in deep legal trouble and she was seeing if it was online (he has some past history and it made news online).

My wife was devastated when I found out. All those movies and TV shows were nothing like real life. My wife was actively suicidal at the time, knowing that her life was about to change for the bad. She was active in church, bible study, and put on this "sweet country girl" air about her. Our children hated her, her closest friends were disgusted. It took a year of therapy and forgiveness on my part for her to recover.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Jul 2011
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Originally Posted By: Newguy2

What an emotional mess I've been. Does it end when we make a choice? How long until I can confidently make a choice? I hate this state of ambivalence. It's not only tearing me up - but I know it's effecting our relationship.

BTW - we have our first couples counseling session this week. Maybe that will help.


The "emotional mess" will end when (1) sufficient time has passed for you to process and work through the stages of grief to acceptance and (2) you are "bringing it" and have no doubts as to your value as a husband and partner.

In order for an affair to start there has to be an "emotional gap". If you're connected to her the way you can be, there just won't be room for someone else and you'll know it. When you get there, you won't even think about what's happened in the past, I promise.

If you step back your road to feeling good has everything to do with your attitudes and behaviors and really very little to do with hers. If you're empowered and feeling good physically and mentally, you'll have an "I've got this" attitude.

Often the pain of being cheated on is in feeling inadequate -- i.e. "what's wrong with me that made this other person a better choice?" That's a feeling born of insecurity and self-doubt. If you know you're "the better man" there is no room for those feelings either.

As with many things in life, relationships spin in self-reinforcing cycles. That can either be a negative cycle where mutual resentments build and you get farther and farther emotionally distant from each other, or it can be a positive cycle where you each pay it forward and ask "what can I give to this relationship" rather than "what can I get from it"

You two have been stuck in a negative cycle where you don't trust her. The fact that she knows you don't trust her makes her feel guilty and bad which makes her not want to seek positive intimacy with you. The fact that she doesn't seek positive intimacy with you makes you not trust her, and around you go. To break that, you have to pay it forward and bring it, and that usually requires "fake it until you make it" because you're not going to "defend your way there"

Regarding couples counseling -- caution. I *strongly* recommend meeting with the counselor 1:1 before your first session to discuss how you're feeling, what you'd like to get out of the sessions, and "stack the deck" as it were so that you're not surprised. There are some things you're going to feel the need to say that are perhaps better not said with your W present. I personally have not seen good outcomes from MC and I think you're better served doing joint sessions with a DB coach on this site, but that's just my $0.02

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Very good stuff, Accuray.

I wanted to edit my post above meaning when my wife got caught in her A, not caught checking up on her OM.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 33
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It's been almost two months. I've seen an individual counselor, spoken to a friend for support and my wife has answered all my questions. I feel like I'm reaching the end of the road where I need to make a choice of whether I forgive her and stay in the relationship or [forgive her] and leave.

Unfortunately the last few days I've been leaning strongly toward ending the relationship. I'm so hung up on the affair lasting for 3 years, that it started right between two big trips we planned together (for our relationship), that I had to discover it on my own (or it would still be going). I'm hung up on the EA and the PA. I don't think my wife is able to give me what I need to fully reconnect with her. I would need to swallow my own self-respect in order to stay in this relationship because of my strong value of commitment.

I don't feel good about this decision. I dread hurting her because I still love her and care about her. I know she wants me to make a decision soon because she is struggling with my ambivalence. I fear what will happen with our two children and how it will affect them.

We had one session of marital counseling and it went very well. I keep feeling connected to her when we are together and in counseling, but when I'm away, driving, at work, all I think about is the hurt and how I don't deserve it. I think about all the negative aspects of her and tell myself (I don't want to go back to that). I laid in bed next to her last night and all I thought about is how I don't want to be with her and I felt soooo guilty and anxious.

Anyway, I needed to post on her because my mind is a mess today. I didn't sleep and I have a stressful day of work. I think I need to sit with my decision without acting on it and see how I feel. At least give it a few days. I have individual counseling in 4 days so maybe I need to speak with my counselor about it.

Also - I spoke with my wife's friend (who knew about the affair). She knew about the affair but she didn't know all the details. She said 2 years ago my wife was crying and sobbing and saying she needed to tell me about the affair - her friend told her not to - but she told my wife to end the affair. My wife didn't end the affair and instead stopped telling the friend about it. I was angry with the friend, but I've forgiven her. It's funny because the friend thought my wife met the man through her work - she had no clue that she 'searched' for a man to have an affair with... I didn't share this with the friend. Just told her that she didn't meet him through work.

I keep saying this - but this is so frustratingly difficult. The most difficult time of my whole life.


Married: 11
Wife: 36 Me : 36
EA: Started 01/2014
PA: Started 06/2014
A discovered: 04/2017
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Originally Posted By: Newguy2
I feel like I'm reaching the end of the road where I need to make a choice of whether I forgive her and stay in the relationship or [forgive her] and leave.


How can you focus more on the task in front of you than what comes after? If you are saying that the first steps are the same, why not take those steps and then see where it leads you?

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Ha ha Kaizen. I think the problem is that if I choose to stay I think I need to forgive her prior to choosing to stay (or at least make the commitment in my mind).

If I choose to leave - I can forgive her after I leave. What that would mean is trying not to hold it against her. None of our social circle know (except one person) and if I leave they will all know... so I need to forgive her in my mind after leaving enough that I don't become malicious with sharing the information.

I think my problem is I'm still caught up in the anger and hurt. I'm pushing myself to decide so I can either let it go and move on with her or to leave her and tell our social circle about the affair. As you can see - I'm handling everything so black/white. If I'm going to tell people after leaving her and that's so important - why not talk to some of my social circle about the affair before I decide? Because I'm afraid they will judge me for staying with her. I have these expectations of what I 'should' do - but I'm having a hard time separating whether it's me feeling I 'should' do something or whether it's what I actually want.

I can see why everyone was telling me 'it's so early' when I was 2-3 weeks in. This is so confusing.


Married: 11
Wife: 36 Me : 36
EA: Started 01/2014
PA: Started 06/2014
A discovered: 04/2017
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Originally Posted By: Newguy2
I can see why everyone was telling me 'it's so early' when I was 2-3 weeks in. This is so confusing.


You are 6 weeks in to a relationship youve had for like 15 years. I would work to get your emotional status under control before you start making any decisions. Take a month or two or six and just try to 'be'. Try not to obsess over your 'decision' and instead focus on what is important to you long term and decide whether those are things you can get from this relationship.

The way see it, you dont need to decide 'to stay' or 'to leave'. Instead, wake up each day and decide whether or not today will be the day you leave your marriage. If it's not, then go about your day without the stress of a looming "DECISION".

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I guess I feel guilty for 'waiting' on the decision since my wife knows I have a lot of ambivalence going on - though we mostly try to go about our relationship like we are working on it - but we both 'pull away' from each other when we have thoughts about the ambivalence. She asked if I could have a decision for her by the end of June - I told her I would have it much earlier than that (because June felt so far away). Now that May is almost over, I feel like I need to have a decision together. I believe we need to start doing more work to improve the relationship or start moving to end the relationship.

I believe my emotional status is more under control - but I feel so mixed. If I decide to leave I feel sad for my wife (who is trying) and scared for myself (I don't know what will happen next). If I stay, I feel like I'm 'swallowing my anger' like I've always done. It's another sign of disrespect that I have to 'suck up' and accept.

I think I've been handling all of this rather well - until the last few days. Maybe I'm putting to much pressure on myself and I need to slow things down again - as [Kaizen] mentioned.


Married: 11
Wife: 36 Me : 36
EA: Started 01/2014
PA: Started 06/2014
A discovered: 04/2017
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Newguy2,

Unfortunately you can't hurry healing and you can't do it on anyone's schedule. I understand that no one wants to be in limbo.

One of the challenges is trying to get from where you are to where you want to be, and feeling impatient that it's taking so long. The issue is often that you can't just jump from a "3" on the happy couple scale to a "10".

Something to try with your wife: talk about how happy each of you feel regarding the relationship on a 10 point scale. There's no wrong answer.

Let's say she says "5".

Say "why is it better than a 4?" -- celebrate that success

Say "what would I or we be *doing* if it was a 6?"

Then make a plan to do that. The focus is on what you would be *doing* specifically and not what you would be feeling, because you can't control how you feel, but you can choose what each of you do.

Then agree on a time to reassess. That way you can see progress together and the goal doesn't need to be 10.

In the example above she did the rating, but both of you should do it, and be honest about it!

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Hello Newguy2,

Did you ever read Healing from Infidelity?

Sure, leaving might seem easier, but it isn't. Leaving just creates a different set of issues. Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you clarify your goals and help you with flip flopping.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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