Today I'm great and a mess. Excited and stressed. I'm starting a new job next Tuesday. It's been a long time since I've been in a workplace setting. All I can do is try. If I fail, so be it. WIpe myself, get up again.
I'm a little manic right now but trying to gather myself. THere's too much to do and not enough time.
Packing, finding a place to live, dealing with H inappropriate behavior, friends making massive mistakes in their marriage (they expect me to put them in check. Always), deciding on whether to pay for legal fees to start paper work on divorce, starting a new job, cleaning my house that's trashed right now, ironing...omg the ironing I have, checking emails, my hair and nails are a mess, I could go on and on.
My mania comes from me cutting back on my meds that stop that part of my brain from functioning. I know, it's not cool to do that, but I don't feel l like I have a choice, as there's too much to do with a dead brain. I'm managing my mood swings with meditation. It's helping me stay calm. I'm also ingnoring my H right now bc my bounderies aren't being honored. NC is nice.
I think I'm getting in a better place with myself. Lord, I hope so. I don't think I could get any worse than I was a few weeks ago. My sanity was slipping into nowhere land. The waves of emotions were way too intense. Staying busy helps.
I'm off to start on my chores. I won't get them all done today. It's absolutely gorgeous outside today! I WILL go out and enjoy it briefly.
I read a quote on here (and have heard it before) but that you eat an elephant one bite at a time. Just pick one thing to focus on and get it done. Try to avoid too many touches on the ball (picking things up and then putting it down again without accomplishing anything).
Maybe talk to your doctor about your medication and tapering off or decreasing the dosage to help you function better. I think it is generally not a good idea to go cold turkey on those things.
NC is nice. It is how I have survived since October. The weekly checkins or the touch and go periods are much less peaceful.
You can do this. Make a list. Take it item by item. Focus on forward and leave the past exactly where it is. You are going to get out in the world and have new experiences and meet new people. It is going to be great!
Congratulations on the new job!! You've got some good advice. Especially taking on one thing at a time, some of those things can wait, remember to take care of yourself and a PMA goes a long way.
Kyh, Thank you for the encouragement!! I'm trying that PMA a lot lately. Hoping it stays that way..
Ownit,
I'm slowing down a little as of yesterday afternoon. I had to. I'm going to focus on my ironing, doing laundy, getting my doc on meds, and the legal fees today only. I'm scared about starting the divorce process but it's the only way I know how to move forward in my personal life.
Only I know when it's time to get things moving along and I've made my mind up. I thought I may doing this to get his attention but that's not where I'm at anymore. I don't care if I go without health insurance, or not. I'll find a way to make this work. I always do.
Nee, making a decision can lift a burden. I'm glad you realize that you won't get his attention that way. I read somewhere that for some divorce is just a piece of paper (that is what it is for me) and for others it is the doorway to a new life. Perhaps you need that closure and to be the one making an active choice when you have been forced to just respond to him for so long.
Hi Nee, it's tough being the one to have to start the divorce process. Some people feel they need to do it in order to protect themselves financially. In my case, I would probably have reached that point - as I was financially vulneralble - but XH was in such a headlong rush to exit our marriage he initiated everything and carried it through to divorce.
The only thing I would say about the emotional aspect is - I don't think divorce is the key. To that. I think your processing and healing is the main way to work through things emotionally. For me, I found it freeing to become divorced even though I neither initiated or wanted it. I guess it's not great to be married to someone else's boyfriend, you know?
The main thing is to be at peace with your own decision xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you for stopping by my thread. I get what you're saying about being emotional in starting the divorce process. I am emotional. An emotional wreck for the most part. I do really well some days and others, not so much.
I'm hoping once I get divorced that it will be freeing for me too and a way of healing. I feel that I can't fully heal until I am divorced from this man. The being married to someone else's boyfriend is what gets to me the most. I won't be that person anymore. It's not healthy to continuously see myself as a victim. It's consuming me.
I hope you're doing well and having a good weekend!
I don't know why I'm so adamant about getting a divorce right now. I feel like I'm needing a new start asap. This is not where I want to be in my life at all. Being a victim is not healthy for me and I will only see myself this way while I'm married to my H.
H is being particularly calm and nice to me lately. I dare not speculate as to why. He's saying things like "be careful", "I desperately want to get close to you." And other things that really mean nothing to me more than a few minutes. These aren't things he's said since he's left. I don't think he's saying this because he's had some huge realization but I do wonder why his mood has changed.
I sincerely do not feel I'm in love with my H anymore. I have nothing but a sincere desire to have him out of my life forever. I know now that I will only make him unhappy and probably only be seen as provocative in his eyes. He's too defensive to see me any other way. I'm not even sure if I'm being provocative or not anymore. Nothing is planned like it used to be in my responses to him. I just say what I feel. That doesn't usually serve me well, but I don't care anymore.
It does strike me odd that's he's saying intimate stuff to me while I'm now so determined to get a divorce. I sure hope it's not his way of trying to reconcile. My physche can't handle another round of anything from him...good or bad.
How's things going your way? I hope it's been peaceful for you.
When you pull back, he will pursue. If you take the bait when he does this, he'll then distance himself and you become the pursuer. Did you read the thread on the distance pursuer? You might want to take a peek at that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for responding to my post. I've been there before with him baiting me and not fallen for it in a while. I'm basically begging him to get a consultation with a lawyer so we can handle the divorce without having a mediator. I want to keep this cheap for me. I honestly don't want to be the one to tell him that I'm owed half of his 401K. He's going to hit the roof.
Is the fact that I continuously ask him when he's going to see a lawyer considered pursuing? I've read the thread before but I don't know if this falls into any of those categories..? I don't want to play that game anymore. I just want this to be over.
I've been very anxious lately to end my marriage. I know it's over. I can't reconcile with him. I will only make things worse.
